May, Marks and the Curse of Planning
I grief the love i could give. It was a cold windy day in chemistry class when i receive the news that my sweetest angels fly back to God.
There are so much regret. So much grief along her, shes the one who I talk to at night. No ones home anyway, so I talked through the CCTV. Shes my best friend, I wished i care more i wished we have better doctors and animal hospital in my city.
My friend asks why I put so much blame on myself. You're miles away, why'd blame yourself?
I blame myself because I knew better and I wasnt capable enough to execute my plan. I knew I had to get them out of my house. But I couldn't. I am not a prophet, but things, somehow I had the feeling. I am not an avid planner, i do things last minute, but when I plan, I plan.
I plan things mostly for the people I love. I recently meet my cousin at a little shop during dinner. She said that our family love language is act of service. It takes a particular sort of weirdness when your family never reassures you of love, that you'd notice everything by action and depth.
When I broke up with him, coconut, thats what i call him, I was planning his birthday. It was 2 weeks before his birthday and everything was set. Booked the place 1 months in advance, somehwere I know that no one would be able to book except upon special request.
Custom keychain, a little coconut with saxophone and gold on its hand. It started out as an inside joke for us when he asked me to call him koko. Coconut i'd say. Its in 3 layers, inspired by the lucky carved jade ball that my dad once bought from china, except this one is a crochet.
He's a coconut tree, that I hope can grow high beside the tower of Rapunzel. Swoop and take me away with him.
I told him there are 3 version of him, coconut, himself, and the young one. The one that I met during junior high, we sort of stranded, our parents didnt really care to pick us up after school so I was stuck with few fellow stranded children, one of them was him.
He said he didnt know that I was welcoming his move when he messaged me on fb 10 years ago. I sent him my class schedule.
So? You dont want to go out with me?
No silly, I gave you my schedule so you can find the time!!
10 years later, and I realize that planning was and always my love language. Eventually we had that birthday dinner. Crying. He said, its not good to cry on your birthday.
I didnt know they serve burgers here!
It was a small old hotel, they dont serve much food. But theyre not birthday worthy so i plan the menu ahead.
Checked his transformer collection although i have no idea about them, gift him bumblebee, the one thats missing from the set.
Maybe thats why I was so sad when he said he couldnt find any miffy and got me miffi. Maybe thats why i was so sad when he insisted that the restaurant we had dinner cant be reserved when we had a reserved table beside us on valentine.
Funny thing about coconut is that he thinks that taking a photo can cure sadness.
This year, I cried. He brave himself to the lions den and gave me a polaroid, i never cried on my bday, this one is probably the first, and he took photos with the polariod.
I told him, you're my proof that planning give me heartaches.
We plan, since day 1 we talk things that put prenups to shame. But now im scared to plan with anyone.
Those pics, I stared upon it sometimes, when I clean my desk, 2,992 miles away. I grief the time and the fun I could have with my dog, and those who I fallen out with.
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