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[byjove]

*doctor voice* hmmmm…..have you tried this revolutionary method called painmaxxxing? it is where you do not bother me and adjust to being in agony all the time and we do nothing to resolve the root cause or treat the symptoms. you don’t wish to try painmaxxxing? you’re being non-compliant with the treatment plan I have just provided you?

[rantingcroissant]

It’s been a while.

I feel so alone.

My pain has gotten debilitating.

I barely get out of the house, unless it’s to a doctors appointment.

My thoughts are so fucking loud.

I just want it to be quiet.

[rantingcroissant]

I am at the lowest weight I’ve been in the past decade. Yet I still feel the biggest and fattest in the room.

[rantingcroissant]

I haven’t had my period for a few months.

I kept forgetting about it and getting the pregnancy tests.

I went drinking with some friends a few days ago, drank like a whole bottle of alcohol.

And I was taking a shower today and I started having terrible stomach pains. I started bleeding, I guess that means I’m on my period now.

But I started crying.

And I know it’s pointless and lame and sad and terrible.

But I hoped, even just for a little bit, that I could have a baby.

That there would be this tiny person, that there would be this life, that could be … something.

[rantingcroissant]

My pain is still here, it hurts so bad now. It’s almost getting to a point where it’s constant.

College is hard, I don’t know if I’m learning things. The program is great I just don’t know if it’s doing what it should be.

I think I’m infertile.

I have a stuffed bunny that I sleep with now. Her name is Junesberry. She’s my wubby.

I don’t think I can go back to work. It’s hard enough to do school.

I’m so worried we won’t even be able to leave the country.

[rantingcroissant]

I am not my parents favorite child

I used to be

I would get the most attention

I would get the biggest presents at Christmas

I would be praised for all the things I accomplished

I would be congratulated for being the perfect child

I was the favorite child

I could make them laugh at a simple phrase

I could make them proud by being the good child

The smart child

The quiet child

The obedient child

But I am no longer a child

I grew up

I started making my own decisions

I became an adult

I became my own person

I am no longer a pawn in their game

We grew apart

I left church

I got piercings

I got tattoos

I had sex

I left home

I got married

I changed

I am no longer my parents favorite child

I am me

[rantingcroissant]

My depression is coming back.

I know I’m going to be shutting down.

I don’t want to, I don’t want to mentally and emotionally leave my partner again.

I don’t want to have panic attacks daily.

I don’t want this.

I want to be fucking normal.

I want to be happy.

[rantingcroissant]

I have autism.

I know now with 100% certainty. I’ve known for months but it’s real now…

It’s nice having an explanation of why I do certain things. It makes sense.

[rantingcroissant]

I’m AFAB and dress feminine. I married a cismale.

We were both asked for Christmas what we wanted. I said some clothing items and some stuff we need for our own place. My husband said some stuff for DnD and MTG.

Christmas comes.

I got house supplies. I got a deep fryer, a mortar and pestle and a shoe organizer. Then my sister in law got me clothes (that I didn’t want & didn’t ask for) that were two sizes too small.

My husband, he got two large DnD figurines, multiple small ones, a DnD book, a video game, etc. (Also his dad is making a door for his DND shed)

I knew eventually it would be like this.

The “woman” gets the stuff needed, for the house/kitchen/bathroom. And the man, gets the games, the stuff he wants, the fun things.

I was just hoping I’d get some stuff I wanted for a little while longer.

[rantingcroissant]

I’m not the same person my partner fell in love with

[rantingcroissant]

I got married almost a month ago now.

I haven’t felt anything since.

There’s nothing.

[rantingcroissant]

My forever wasn’t the forever I was hoping for.

[rantingcroissant]

when you spend hours crying and your fiancé is just sleeping peacefully beside you 😑

[rantingcroissant]

I started crying because I saw a video of someone eating eggs for breakfast.

[rantingcroissant]

So I was thinking a few days ago if my boyfriend was going to talk to my dad about proposing to me. Like if he’s gonna ask, like out of tradition.

Strange enough, it popped up today that he wants to talk to my dad about it. Which I thought was kind of sweet. Like I would’ve loved that when I was younger. But now my family is just doing as little as they can and almost trying to cut me off entirely. At this point I know they aren’t going to the ceremony but I don’t think I’ll even want them at the reception.

Which my boyfriend knows. Also he’s going to propose wether my dad wants him to or not. I guess my boyfriend just wants to try and explain that he’s not “stealing me” away from them. Just that he’s being with me and with my decisions.

[rantingcroissant]

Oh baby, I love you so

[rantingcroissant]

Oh yea a few things have happened…

My dad says that I’ll never be happy until I go back the the church (lds)

That I haven’t been happy since I left (depression, wtf)

That he will not respect my name change, that it goes against his beliefs

That I need to be moved out by March

That if I legally change my name they are going to kick me off of medical insurance, car insurance, literally any insurance that I don’t get through work.

My parents have been so disrespectful since I told them I am changing my name. My dad literally ignored me for almost a week.

I hate my parents.

And I know they aren’t the worst and I know that they could be doing really bad things. Like physically abusing me or be super strict about seeing my boyfriend. But I just don’t want them.

Like when I had to quarantine because I had covid. I was stuck in my room, in their house, for five days. They didn’t buy me food that I could eat. Whenever they (as a family) would get fast food or go out for dinner. They wouldn’t get me anything. And when they did make food for the family and invited me, I was allergic to the meal.

Like I know I have a lot of allergies and dietary restrictions but… they didn’t even try.

It’s like they don’t view me as a member of the family anymore.