Venting account

Super secret vent account 🤫

[rants-v3nts]

As much as I claim to hate my older brother,

I just couldn't bare to leave him outside with her, our mother, while she was going through an episode.

So I grabbed my uncle. Because the only thing I could think at that moment was he shouldn't have to go through that.

My brother is only seventeen. He shouldn't be having a grown adult woman venting about her issues to him when he's still a teen.

[rants-v3nts]

"I'm not affected by it anymore,"

I tell myself,

Even though I still sob while trying to explain it to an adult.

Even though I'm still that small kid just trying to drown out the yelling with music.

[rants-v3nts]

Opening door one, longing for door two, and waiting for door three to be open.

[rants-v3nts]

It's a scary thing to admit, but a lot of times I do resent my older sister.

I'm constantly thinking, "She's such a burden," when I have to clean up after her messes. I know that a lot of the things she struggles with is because she has autism and ADHD, but the truth is she grew up thinking that if she just leaves it alone someone else will deal with it, I grew up fixing her issues she was too privileged to fix.

[rants-v3nts]

I feel like the Spider-Man movies have rewired my brain into only seeing Tom Holland as a teenager. The dude's a literal vampire I feel like he's looked 16 for the last 10 years 😭

[eldritchbauble]

I feel like I need to write a post on enmeshment / emotional incest trauma.

I used to hate when people applied the word "incest" to psychological/emotional abuse until something clicked for me, and I realized that it really is that invasive, gross, and insidious. (And as someone who's also experienced CSA I am giving you a license to call that shit exactly what it is).

What is enmeshment / emotional incest?

Enmeshment occurs when a child is not allowed to have any boundaries. This lack of boundaries causes confusion between the roles of parent and child, making the child take on an adult role, becoming inappropriately emotionally intimate with the parent and often acting more like a surrogate partner--thus referred to as emotional incest. Other related terms are covert incest (with overt being sexual abuse) and parentification (when a child has to not only act as an adult, or partner, but caretaker for the parent).

How does enmeshment / emotional incest present?

- Parent both lacks personal boundaries for themselves and does not allow child to have boundaries, and frequently gets angry if child attempts to develop any boundaries

- Parent treats child as a source to meet their own needs rather than as a separate/autonomous person

- Parent does not allow child to say "no" to them (even after child has grown up)

- Parent feels entitled to access child at all times (even after child has grown up), and frequently gets anxious or angry if access is denied; frequently uses guilt tripping and other manipulation tactics

- Parent is emotionally needy and demanding, and seeks out an inappropriately close/intimate relationship with child; may even make comments about how special the relationship between them is or that they have a bond like no one else does

- Parent makes child responsible for managing their emotional states and uses child to regulate their emotions for them

- Parent may blame child for their problems

- Parent has unrealistic expectations about child's role and responsibilities toward them, may bleed into expecting/demanding/forcing physical contact that is unwanted by child

- Parent shares inappropriate details about their personal life, may lean on child like a therapist, and is intrusive about child's life, therefore not allowing child to have space or privacy

- Parent assumes that their personality and preferences are shared by child, struggles to see child as their own separate/autonomous person

- Parent says and does things that are excessively controlling; is manipulative and undermines child's ability to feel, think, or act for themselves by keeping them in a state of both control and chaos (also known as coercive control)

- Parent is prone to taking over or unilaterally making decisions for child that child should be capable of and allowed to make for themselves (even after child has grown up)

- Parent has excessive concern or commentary about child's body or other personal matters

- Parent says and does things to keep child dependent on them for as long as possible, may even outright say "you need me" or otherwise undermine child's growth and development as they grow up (or even after child has grown up)

- Parent becomes upset or feels "left out" as child grows up and tries to become more independent

- Parent may take responsibility for child's success, citing their wonderful parenting and expecting credit or praise when child accomplishes things

- Parent displays unreasonable dislike or jealousy toward child's partner(s) as they grow up, may insist that only they can have a special bond with child, outright fabricate reasons to hate child's partner(s), or try to drive a wedge between them

(This is not an exhaustive list, only some examples).

How does enmeshment / emotional incest trauma impact the victim?

Emotional incest is a serious form of abuse, and similar effects are seen between victims of emotional incest and overt incest (sexual abuse). This is because, in both cases, the child is being violated by the parent. Because they are stripped of their autonomy, they are not really allowed to be a person at all. They are fundamentally treated as an object to serve the parent's needs or even as an extension of the parent themselves.

- Disruption in attachment, often resulting in disorganized (i.e. fearful-avoidant) attachment, because the caregiver is both the primary source of emotional intimacy and comfort as well as a source of confusion and distress

- CPTSD and other trauma disorders, especially dissociation as this type of abuse often causes confusion in child's identity and sense of self; pervasive depression and anxiety, addiction, etc.

- Feeling "uncomfortable, gross, or icky" about the parent or relationship with the parent--but often maintaining a feeling of obligation, anxiety, and guilt over the need to meet parent's needs

- Feeling chronically stressed, exhausted, and drained by the demand of parent's needs

- Struggling to form an internal sense of security, not trusting self to know how to function autonomously, feeling lost without being controlled

- Poor self-esteem, emotional dysregulation, and insecurity in relationships

- Extreme anxiety and/or guilt about trying to develop or enforce boundaries

- People pleasing, fear of upsetting others, expecting extreme reactions and retaliation

- Being overly dependent on others to function or make decisions, OR overfunctioning/codependency and even taking on others' responsibilities for them, OR both in different contexts

- Hypersexuality or other problems with intimacy due to not knowing how to have healthy intimacy

(This is not an exhaustive list, only some examples).

[rants-v3nts]

I kinda wish my childhood wasn't stolen from me like how it was, you'know? It's not like I'm being abused or anything(contrary to what my hospital thinks); I have food, clothes, hygiene, a home and an education. I'm provided everything I need to flourish.

In the physical aspects.

Emotionally, I've noticed that my mother tends to harm me in that field. I've confirmed recently that she is aware of the harm she caused me. The same woman with a degree in psychology, btw, chooses to neglect the possible(more than likely) harm her actions cause.

What actions?

Well, for starters, she loves to vent. Even when it's unwarranted or socially inappropriate, my mother enjoys vocalizing her trauma and issues in great detail to people. Unfortunately, I seem to be her favorite to trauma-dump on. When I was younger it was much easier for her to vent to me because I was oblivious, naive, and a child who depended on her much longer than any of my siblings.

When venting and crying into a well-exposed child's arms nightly began to bore her, she began her threats.

Threats that she's going to kill herself. Statements how she'll drive herself off a bridge, or pray that her organs will collapse in her sleep, anything to shock and scare me. She would add onto the whole matter that I would end up in my (deadbeat) father's protection, and how he, a violent man, must be such a better parent than her, guilt tripping me into sobbing more and feeling horrible for just existing.

And yet, still, throughout all of the mental abuse I've endured, I am still not allowed to hate my family. I am not allowed to hate my mother, but as time progresses, I do think I'm beginning to resent her.

[rants-v3nts]

AIN'T NO FUCKING WAY MY MOTHER ADMITTED TO USING ME FOR THERAPY WITH PRIDE 😭

When I reminded her that I am, in fact, a child, she stated that it was fine because I'm mentally mature. CHAT WHAT???

I CANNOOTT EXCUSE HER ACTIONS WITH IGNORANCE ANYMORE CHAT 💀

[rants-v3nts]

Can I be so fr? Ao3 fics should tag if they're in first-person perspective for fics about cannon characters.

Because no, author, I did not do that, the character did.

There is no I, we, us. It was all them. I had no part in it.

[rants-v3nts]

Me bc I'm the youngest and my older sister will forever know a version of our brother that I'll never meet:

[rants-v3nts]

Having a racist mother is NOT for the weak man 😭

She makes me wanna crash out.

Tell me why I'm rewatching the Spider-Man Into the Spider-verse movie and she looks over and audibly groans when she sees Miles Morales?! Like dude, we already got the memo that you hate poc from who you voted for you MAGA fuck, get yo incorrect opinions OUTTA HERE 🫩

[rants-v3nts]

Honestly can't believe I'm actually considering this, but I think I'll try to talk about global warming, climate change, and the el niño we're about to go through with my MAGA(ergo, idiotic morons) mother and grandmother tomorrow.

It's already apparent to me that my grandmother doesn't believe in global warming due to the way she scoffs and groans at my one-liner mentions about it. Not positive about my mother's opinion, but she always has an annoying grasp on her idiotic beliefs.

Wish me luck chat 🥹

[rants-v3nts]

I went out somewhere with my mother and brother today, and the topic of a certain peer of mine was brought up.

My mother starts gossiping HARD on that girl, talkin' about how much she hates her mother, and even states that she wishes for the child to drown in her pool this summer. A minor, only part of this drama because of blood relation, mind you. And my mother's old ass just goes on and on. I reminded her how that girl is, in fact, a minor, and she comes up with the lame excuse that she only hates the girl's mother.

Then I turned to look at my brother who, normally, would be on her side of the discussion, but I saw his face drop. He looked more dead than a rotting corpse. He was staring at our mother as if she was just another stain on the wall. And honestly? I think it's finally getting through to him that our mother is the most immature person on this god-forsaken planet. Obviously, our mother missed the stare my brother was giving her and the topic was dropped.

Oh what I would give to hear his actual thoughts in that moment, to see if ours aligned even slightly. I truly hope his dumb mind can comprehend that our mother is not a good person. I might just then be able to rework his brain into being more empathetic towards others. Eh. I'll keep dreaming. His redneck MAGA ass doesn't seem that salvageable ngl.

[rants-v3nts]

"You'd be such a great mom!"

Bitch what?

I have a DEEP hatred for morons. It's edging on literal discrimination towards people who are dumbasses. I even have a whole ass rant on this account about how much I hate a girl for being so stupid. You think I can safely nurture and care for a small, idiotic, stupid lump of flesh for 18 years? Keep dreaming. I'm not stupid enough to do that. People mistaking my maturity for maternity really be pissing me off.

[rants-v3nts]

For a matter of fact, no, it's not fine.

I'm actually annoyed right now, because how come it took me years–years worth of friendships I enjoyed, toxic friendships, and complicated ones–for my mother to finally accept one of my friends? My now only friend because she disliked my other one for being "too extroverted" and hyper. Almost a decade's worth of trial and error to find a friend that my mother could be happy with. Almost a decade's worth of distancing myself from my friends and forcing myself to be alone because my mother didn't like their personality.

My friend is great, truly, I care for them so much, but the fact that it has taken this long pmo.

[rants-v3nts]

"I can't cut now. It's summer; It's too risky."

Is a crazy thought for a child to have hours after listening to their mother trauma dump on them, unprompted, and constantly waiting for an opportunity to be away from her.

[rants-v3nts]

I hate feeling so needy and scared just because my depressed friend goes MIA for almost 2 days and when they do reply to me it's two words,

"I'm okay,"

And nothing else.

The message that they're still alive is comforting enough, I'll admit that. The unusual dryness of it is mildly concerning though. I fear they might've had some sort of depressive episode, multiple panic attacks or even a mental breakdown and choose to tell no one about it.