Being a high-functioning sociopath is all good and well, but that’s definitely not me. I’m more of a barely-functioning lunatic.
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@raptorsallupinthegoddamnkitchen
Being a high-functioning sociopath is all good and well, but that’s definitely not me. I’m more of a barely-functioning lunatic.
The internet is out. What do the Houses do?
Gryffindor: If I keep restarting the router it’ll have have to come back eventually, right?
Slytherin: I’ll just go to a cafe or a library and use their wifi.
Hufflepuff: I guess now is the perfect time to take a walk. Maybe I can catch up with some friends.
Ravenclaw: How can I function without the internet? Everything I need is there! Sure, I can read one of my many untouched books but, the internet - It’s all I know anymore!
This is disturbingly accurate...
Harry: Hey can anyone in this family render REALLY good?
Albus: I can render my enemies immobile.
Harry: I meant 3d computer renders but I’ll keep you in mind for future reference
wolfstar big bang is over so here are the illustrations I did for @bigblckdog s incredible fic. which is here. I still strongly urge you to go read it if you haven’t yet.
Hello, yes, may I have a new brain please? And it would be great if it’s not an absolute fuck shit that cocks everything up all the time. Thank you.
This sign has been up by my house for weeks and curiosity got the better of me so i texted the number and:
THIS IS HOW YOU START A RANDOM STANGER TEXTING FANFIC OKAY?!?!?!!!! I FUCKING NEED THE WOLFSTAR VERSION OF THIS SO BAD I CANT TELL YOU. HOW CUTE IS THIS SHIT?!?!!!
@starstruck4moony @marlenemckinn @withrewings @confunded-gryffindor - we’re the Missing Cat Poster club now? (also @purplechimera8 for making me post this) I got carried away with it but it’s also the only thing I’ve really written in the past four days, so hey, writers block.
-
Remus Lupin’s schedule is tightly regimented. On Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays he goes to the coffee shop on the corner to work through his copy with a vague change of scenery. He leaves the house mid-morning on an otherwise indistinct Thursday and strolled down the street, vaguely appreciating the sudden appearance of the warmer weather that negated his need for a jacket.
At the corner, whilst fielding a few texts from his editor and best friend Dorcas, Remus sees a tall man with thick-rimmed glasses affixing a poster to the lamppost, an incredibly pregnant woman with deep red hair beside him, a soft smile on her face. Her hand is on his arm and it strikes Remus with startling affection so that he has to look away. Probably for some part-time band with a gig at the local pub, he thinks. With a shrug, and a shocking ability to ignore everything that isn’t directly related to him, Remus starts down to the coffee shop, already thinking of that paragraph on page 73 that needs an entire redo.
Late afternoon when Remus retraces his steps, messenger bag over his shoulder and not much further along in his work, he stops at the lamppost.
Missing (1) One Fucking Pest of a Cat
The little bastard doesn’t answer to anything but we love and miss him so if you see him, you could try baiting him with tuna but he’s a fucking mastermind so good luck with that.
Mister, if you see this you’re in so much trouble you better come home right now. Daddy is mad but he loves you.
There’s a phone number and a photograph of possibly the most frightening looking cat Remus has ever seen. It’s a huge, grey-ish tabby with yellow eyes, and it’s meowing at the camera with a look that says I have seen Hell, human, you cannot scare me.
Remus laughs a little at the photograph, but he has to admit he feels a little sorry for the owner of the cat. He might not be an animal person himself - too much responsibility - but he remembers when Dorcas’ wife Marlene lost her dog for a whole of three hours, and both of them were beside themselves until they had been reunited. (Pickles had ran off to follow a French Bulldog he’d taken a fancy to, apparently.)
Remus decides he’ll keep an eye out for this terrifying Hell-Cat - if only out of a sense of self-preservation - and tries to peer dutifully into all the hedgerows and bushes on the way home. The next morning on the way to the coffee shop it’s all but forgotten about, though, the Missing poster just an additive to his usual backdrop now.
It’s maybe six weeks later that Remus is walking back from the coffee shop - gleeful because his edits are finally done - and sees the poster is still there. Out of curiosity Remus pulls out his phone and texts the number on the bottom.
Remus: hey, you ever find your cat mate?
Unknown: yeah!!! the little bastard is back home! we all missed him so much! Snuffles the most, obv!!
The reply is almost instantaneous. It’s accompanied by a picture, and Remus has to blink a few times to fathom out exactly what it is he’s looking at. He realises then that it’s the Hell-Cat from the photograph, along with another, equally fluffy, ginger and white cat. They’re laying on the person taking the photograph, and the man seems to have his head resting on the belly of an enormous black dog (although Remus is pretty sure it must be a sodding wolf at that size), and there’s another dog licking the mans cheek. But Christ on a bike the man is gorgeous too. He’s grinning in the photograph, the corners of his eyes crinkling, the setting sunlight casting warmth across a bone structure that frankly should be illegal.
Remus: Glad to hear he’s back!! Kept seeing the posters around. Snuffles is the ginger cat?
Remus doesn’t know why he’s replying, beyond the fact that this man is exceedingly handsome and Remus thinks he might even be happy that the Hell-Cat is back home. He throws his bag down by the door and treads into the kitchen, trying not to watch his phone for a reply.
Unknown: nah Snuffles is the Newfoundland, the big black dog. they are best friends!
Remus: you named your massive dog Snuffles?
Unknown: great name isn’t it?
Remus doesn’t quite know what to reply as he puts the kettle on and retrieves a mug from the cupboard, but another reply comes.
Unknown: you got any pets?
Remus: nah. they all yours?
Unknown: yup, cant resist a rescue. and besides, you cant pass judgement on my naming skills when you dont have any yourself. maybe Snuffles is a standard name for a dog, like you’d know ;)
Remus: well, I am a member of the weird name club myself
Christ, Remus thinks as he sits down with his tea, one photograph of a man with disgustingly good hair and you’re here telling him your life story, Lupin? But he wants to keep talking. This man is kind of funny, and Dorcas has been harping on at him to get out of the house for more than just a walk to the coffee shop and back - Mrs. Figg makes a mean latte but she’s far from riveting company.
Unknown: no way, I’m the same. awful family tradition. what’s your weird name?
Remus: Hippie parents more like. I’m Remus, wbu?
Unknown: Sirius, like the star.
Remus: oh, maybe Snuffles isnt such a bad name then ;)
Unknown: OI!
It’s followed by another picture message of the man - Sirius - and the black dog. Sirius is pouting, his arm thrown around the dogs neck, and even the dog somehow manages to look a little upset that Remus has insulted his name. But Sirius is even more bloody gorgeous and Remus’ heartbeat picks up. Remus laughs, it’s ridiculous, it’s absurd, he’s finally lost his mind. But he replies, because he can’t leave Sirius hanging.
Remus: sorry to you and Snuffles.
Unknown: proof of you being apologetic, please. Snuffles wont accept it until we see a repentant looking face :P (selfie will suffice)
Remus shakes his head and stares at his phone for a moment in disbelief. Fuck it, what has he got to lose? He ruffles a hand through his hair and adjusts his glasses before bringing his phone up and snapping a quick selfie of him looking as apologetic as possible. He sends it off before he can second guess himself and throws his phone onto the coffee table in some bid to distract himself from the fact he’s just sent a photograph of his face to a gorgeous looking stranger with a menagerie of anthropomorphic beasts. There’s no reply for long enough for Remus to utterly regret his decision.
Unknown: … jfc. Snuffles accepts your apology, but has told me I’ll be unable to until you agree to meet me for coffee.
No way. He gapes at the phone, thinking of all the ways this could be construed. But so far his brain only comes up with one way, and it’s the most obvious - Sirius wants to meet him for coffee (Christ, at least he’s literal, the sarcastic little creature in Remus’ chest says - maybe he does have a pet after all).
Remus: yeah, alright. Coffee sounds good.
Unknown: tomorrow, Bear Coffee at the end of Nicolson Avenue, 1pm?
Remus: yeah, see you then Sirius.
I’m flailing, I love this so much!!
Ugh this is too cute!!!
Marauders Group Chat
(Based on this text post)
Padfoot: I’m bored! Someone entertain me.
Prongs: Pads, it’s 1 am and I have class in thee morning, wtf?
Pads: But I’m boooored, Prongsy, can’t sleep. It’s your job as my best mate to entertain me.
Wormy: I really need to turn my notifications off before I go to sleep. Go to bed, Padfoot FFS
Moony: I’m trying to finish watching this weeks GoT before you twats spoil me again and now Pads’ whinging interrupts me? Go the fuck to sleep, Pads
Padfoot: Moony! Moonbeam! Moon of my life! You’re up?
Moony: Can you hear my groan all the way from your flat? Because I’m groaning here
Padfoot: But you’re already awake Moonpie! You can keep me company!
Moony: What part of I’m watching Game of Thrones did you not get, you wanker?
Padfoot: I can watch it with you…?
Moony: You scream at the tv and have given me spoilers almost every damn episode if I’m behind, why the fuck would I want to watch with you?
Padfoot: Because you’re awake, I’m awake, and you love me and know I’m going to annoy you until you give in.
Padfoot:
Prongs: FFS Moony shut his ass up
Wormy: Awww look at the pupper
Moony: That won’t work on me, Pads
Padfoot: I promise I won’t spoil anything and I won’t shout at the screen! I’ll even bring chocolate… ;-)
Moony: you’re annoying, you know that?
Padfoot: Come on, Moons, I promise I’ll be good. I just wanna bang you
Wormy: ….
Prongs: Did he…did you… FINALLY!!!!
Padfoot: I meant Hang! I meant I want to hang with you… but you know… whatever.
Wormy: Yeah sure that’s what you meant, uh-huh
Prongs: Shut it Wormtail, my OTP is finally admitting their feelings!!
Padfoot: Fuck… Moony? I’m sorry, it was a mistake, I just meant
Moony: Are you bringing the chocolate?
Padfoot: Ummm sure?
Moony: Ok then
Padfoot: Ok?
Moony: Yeah
Padfoot: To… hanging out?
Moony: Or whatever…
Padfoot: Really?
Moony: Just shut up and get over here already, will you?
Padfoot: I’ll be there in 10 minutes!
(Padfoot has logged off chat)
Prongs:
Prongs: My boys, my babies! FINALLY!
Wormy: Well this has been like 5 years in the making. it’s like a slow-burn fanfic
Prongs: Yeah that idiots pining and friends to lovers shit. That’s my jam really
Moony: You twats do realize I’m still here right?
Prongs: Good. Stop being idiots and bang each other then
Moony: Oh my god
Prongs: I can hear Pads rushing through the flat, he’s obviously in a hurry to get to you, Moony. *wink wonk*
Wormy: Just wear a condom, mate. Safe sex is good sex.
Moony:
Moony: But yeah I already have some, thanks Pete.
Wormy: Lube is important too, just saying
Moony: Now is a great time to shut up mate
Prongs: So ummm I just yelled at Sirius you already had condoms and he ran out the door so fast I think i heard him fall down the stairs
Moony: You guys suck
Wormy: Nah, but I bet Pads will ;-)
Moony: Fucking hell, and on that note I’m gone, ta
(Moony has logged off chat)
Prongs:
Wormy: yeah I’m happy for them too, the dumb pining idiots. But now I’m wide awake
Prongs: Me too. Wanna watch Umbrella Academy online together?
Wormy: why the fuck not.
Wormy: Hey, does that Klaus guy remind you of Sirius?
Prongs: I think Pads even has that leather skirt, honestly.
Found this on Pinterest
And here’s my little fic…
He passed by that way everyday to and from work. It was a shortcut after all, to cut through the park, through the narrow cobblestone pathway towards the centre lined by a circular path branching off in different directions.
Everyday, he’d enter the park through the northside entrance, headphones plugged in, a coffee cup held in one hand and one or more books balanced under the other, making his way through the gaggle of tourists, children and little stall vendors and out through the west side.
And everyday, he’d take a second, just one, to stop and look at the statue that sat in the centre of the park. It was of a man, a beautiful man. The features so defined, with long legs and strong arms, one held behind his back and one stretched forward as if in a position a chivalrous gentleman in another era gone by would ask for the fair lady’s hand for a dance. Broad shoulders and a lean waist. Ringlets of hair falling gracefully framing the young and aristocratic face made of hard planes and sharp edges but still something so utterly, humanly soft about it that it unnerved Remus everytime he’d take that second to just look at the man. And what caused his breath to hitch a little each time was a small smirk that could be easily missed if one wasn’t playing close attention, that small devilish smirk.
There was a rumour or legend, depends on who’s telling the story, that should the man’s soulmate touch his hand, the statue would come alive.
Remus had never believed in the story, there were a lot of variations of it. Some said that the man was cursed by a witch to spend eternity alone trapped as a piece of stone, always at the forefront, forever alone, never allowed to mingle with another soul. But there were some which said that the man himself was of magic. That he’d cast the spell upon himself, broken by tragedies of his life, crumbling from heartbreak. He’d made the decision, tired of the deceit and being surrounded by false love, to sleep until the one he was meant for would come wake him up.
If Remus had to choose, had to, he’d probably choose the latter because there was something magical about that face.
But, truly it was just a gimmick for the tourist industry, that was all it was. People flocked from all over to take a look at the famous statue and hold the hand outstretched, in hopes of reliving a fantasy, and take millions of photos and selfies and Remus would just shake his head in exasperation each day.
It was just a story after all.
But one night, on an especially long and frankly very tiring day of work, Remus stopped in the park and took a seat in one of the benches around the statue.
The park was deserted considering the earlier rains, the cold weather and it being very late into the day. He unpacked his sandwich and ate in silence still gazing at the statue.
It was the first time he’d ever played such close attention to it. And he couldn’t shake the feeling of familiarity. Like a gentle rug in some small corner of his mind, becoming more insistent the more intently he gazed upon the marvellous monolithic stone. Thoughts half formed zoomed in and out of his head and everything around him fell away save for the stone before him. Nothing else mattered in the moment.
Tires screeching off a road nearby broke his trance and Remus shook his head trying to clear the cloud encroaching his consciousness, putting his wandering mind as a consequence of his own tiredness and made his way to leave and head home.
Walking forwards, still in a little bit of a daze, Remus missed his step and his feet skid across the smooth wet stone. His hand shot out as a reflex hoping to get some solid grip before he fell and unknowingly his hand tightly gripped the outstretched arm of the statue.
Then, Remus did fall.
Quite hard.
On his back, the back of his head lightly bouncing off the hard pavement.
But what hurt more was the unknown and very surprising weight that fell atop him. It was weird.
Groaning in pain, Remus blinked rapidly and soon his vision cleared only to be filled by a beautiful face that was way too familiar, with the most beautiful grey eyes Remus had ever seen peering down at him in keen interest and confusion.
Before Remus could process what was truly happening, the expression on the man’s face cleared, soon to be replaced by an all too familiar smirk and the man spoke, in a low yet deep voice, “Hello, I’m Sirius.” Taking a deep breath, the angelic looking man continued, still atop Remus, smiling in way that could only be described as cheeky, “Thank you for breaking my curse.”
(it’s pretty dumb, but it came to me and I wrote in like 10 minutes. It’s been a long time since I wrote something, so I’m glad to have done so)
I love it and need more!! Dumb? This was so cute and I would love about another 50k! What happened after he introduced himself? Were people freaked out after the statue was missing? Did thee police try and find the culprit? How did Sirius get cursed? I need answers @aimforthedogstar!!
This is incredible!
Listen I’ll stop trashing Snape as soon as someone can give me a good reason for Neville Longbottom, the boy whose parents were tortured to insanity by someone who is still alive, to be more afraid of Snape than anything in the world.
Almost 40 years later Harry wakes up in the dead of the night, apparates into Ron’s home and shakes him awake.
Ron: Dude, blimey, what’s wrong!
Harry: We could’ve gone together!! We could’ve gone to the yule ball together and it would’ve been fine!! We could’ve done that!
Ron: *dawning realization followed by deep-rooted regret that they were both very dumb teenagers*
Other people’s small talk: some weather we’re having, huh?
My small talk: so what is your opinion on the supposed dichotomy of good and evil?
Listen, if you start on about problems with the hogwarts curriculum and dumbledore and the professors i’m sorry but you are in no way prepared for my “i’m an education major” “i once tried to figure out the hogwarts class schedule for reasons” rant. I have rage. I have a time-table spreadsheet. I have a strict anti-bullying policy. I have a hill and i will personally wring dumbledore’s scrawny neck and use his ugly ass robes as my new flag on it. I will personally fist fight the hogwarts board.
I’d pay to see you fight them tbh😂
The 25 Days of Shit Slytherins Say (Year 3): #25
Ugh! Curse this Christmas music! It’s joyful AND triumphant!
↳ Newt & Pickett in Fantastic Beasts The Crimes Of Grindelwald | ½
↳ Newt & Pickett in Fantastic Beasts The Crimes Of Grindelwald | 2/2
Ravenclaw: My doctor told me to limit my alcohol intake to one glass a night.
Ravenclaw: But last time I checked, bottles were made of glass.
Ravenclaw: *drinks whiskey straight out of the bottle*
Hufflepuff: What are your plans for tonight?
Ravenclaw: I don't know, maybe read a book, play some video games, pet a cat. The same old.
Hufflepuff: So nothing special for New Year's Eve?
Ravenclaw: It's New Year's???
... almost the exact same thing happened to me today... my mom was distraught that I don’t have “a life”