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@raravyll
loving you was an act of the will. being chosen was a door that never opened.
so i buried it.
under years. under miles. under the quiet weight of survival— telling myself that things left in the dark eventually turn to dust.
but time is a thief that moves like a blink.
one second, i am moving on. the next, i am standing in the wreckage of a decade gone.
and then, your eyes
find mine.
just a second. just a lock. and the armor i spent ten winters building turns to ash.
it is a terrible thing, that look…
it makes a mockery of every man who came after you. it makes me sit in the dark and ask:
did i ever actually love them, or have i just been looking for your ghost in every room
and the sentence stands: loving you is my undoing.
—" verdict"
nothing has changed.
the plot,
still the same.
even now,
here I am,
staring blankly as Rome collapses around me
-" rome"
after the sirens, the silt. i return to the citadel, stepping through the arches of transgression to find the floorboards slick with brine.
to this, i witness: the flannel nightgown, now a heavy shroud of sea-foam— the enticing visage, scrubbed clean by the tide.
there are no more midnight melodies; only the low, humming tinnitus of a vacuum where you used to be. the sidewalk is gone. the garden is salt.
to this, honey, i am hollow: watching the girl who went haywire become the very horizon she once tried to outrun.
i am home, and i am a stranger to the halls. the whirligig has stopped. the reverie is cold—
ruckkehrunruhe.
-| salt-stained citadel |-
to this, i covet: the girl who, amid the pelting sirens, still dressed herself in flannel nightgowns— enamoring you with an enticing visage, soft against the alarms.
to this, i covet: a citadel built in transgression, mustering midnight melodies and the daylight winks you possess, only to go haywire halfway. will you stay on the sidewalk to welcome Poseidon’s wrath?
though, she’s disappearing...
honey, i fear her whirligig— the dizzying spin before the stillness. i fear her becoming, fully, my twilight reveries.
-| the whirligig descent |-
"The architecture of a fall." A three-part descent from the sirens to the salt. 🥀🌊
time will forgive these hands their fevered, midnight psalms; it will forgive the way i kissed the scars where we tried to bridge the void.
time will forgive you, too; for falling for a Lilith— tracing my fault lines like a map, seeking snowdrops in the permafrost of a heart that was never a garden.
Adam, the madness is my inheritance.
i wrap the night around my shoulders. i crave the transgression: the screaming blood, the holy mess, the sin of wanting.
tonight, blame is a ghost. tonight we read the stars like a script: the 11:11, the syzygy eclipses, the alignment of things larger than our own grief. we must believe the universe is speaking— that in some corner of the infinite, we are allowed to exist.
but the sun is surrendering to the soil, and the dream is bruising. maybe someday we will forgive the seasons for letting us haunt places we could never stay; for the ache of the Aurora.
and like the wax melting on the wing, this wishful thought falls to the dirt—
stubbed, silent, d e a d.
and here i am, scribbling your averted eyes into a eulogy; naming the goodbye that you are too cowardly to speak.
-| midnight psalms |-
“Adam, the madness is my inheritance.” — A midnight sonnet for the ones who love like a transgression. 🥀✨
"My soul has never held a gaze as true as the one I keep for you. Remember that."
now, i linger where the rain surrenders me its idyllic embrace, though the summer’s last embers, like a sauntering ghost still slip between, inhabiting the smallest spaces.
-| embers in small spaces |-
flashbacks wake me in the middle of the night. i follow their traces only to arrive at the ending on the first page.
honey, this is how i die: the version of me that lived with you slowly decaying— a finished story, no revisions, no sequels,
no return.
-| marginalia |-
you are, still, all over the things i do
you are, still, the o n e.
i am yearning— the way no other man has ever caught me,
after y o u.
-| saudade |-
Today, I offered a flower and a prayer for the girl she once was— soft, untainted, ethereal.
Now, she is a corpse of poetry, waiting to be told.
I don’t know. You were right, back then. I can’t be good always not when you are nothing more than my twilight reverie.
So instead, I hope you can. You should.
Be good, always, my love.
-| Elegy for the Girl I Outlived |-
I am but a vagabond, longing for the lost shrine.
So love, I’d be a shredded, stubbed paper plane in flight to nowhere, just to find you. Under these languishing, crystalline lights stood a girl who delicately crafted eclipses out of impulse—turbulent and unrestricted.
You see, tonight was meant for rubble: for stone and bone to turn to gold, the way his touch was once yours, Midas. Tonight, let the temples crumble and burn at the last sigh of the divination I finally throw, that this night be ours.
Tonight is for the mistakes that storms would envy.
And at last, like comet and meteor, my love, I felt him—them—
as
a l m o s t y o u.
-| lost shrine |-
"Are you waiting for someone?"
The automatic door hissed shut, leaving the chime to ring into the empty aisles. Behind the counter, the security guard shifted his weight, his boots squeaking against the polished linoleum. He watched the girl in the corner. She’d been there for forty minutes, staring at the empty plastic chair across from her.
To him, she was a ghost in the making. To me, the store was the only place that still felt real.
I had just come from school—a blur of radio drama rehearsals where I spent hours projecting my voice into a cold microphone. Now, I had no voice left. My feet had carried me here again: 7/11. The same seat. The same cup of coffee. The white paper straw was already softening and fraying against the rim of the red cup, losing its shape just like the thoughts in my head.
Outside, the city moved in a smear of headlights, like an old film reel spinning too fast. But inside, beneath the hum of the overhead lights, time thickened and slowed.
You were sitting across from me. You wore that red jacket—the one that smelled like wind and detergent. Your white helmet rested in your hands like a giant pearl. You were mid-sentence, telling me a story about how life made you the way you are, and I laughed like a child.
Somewhere between your sentences, the late-night regulars; the tired laborers and restless teenagers thinned into strangers. Eventually, they vanished entirely. You were the only person I recognized.
"I’ll throw these extra cups and paper bags away, alright?"
The guard’s voice broke the silence, dry but careful. He wasn’t unkind; he was just trying to map the quiet.
I looked at the empty chair where the red jacket had been seconds ago. The smell of wind faded, replaced by the sterile sting of floor wax and the oily heat of hot dogs turning on the rolling grill. The phantom warmth of our conversation static-faded, leaving only the low, electric thrum of the refrigerators.
I turned to him, my fingers tracing the damp, collapsing straw.
"I’m actually waiting for this store to close."
He frowned, glancing at the Open 24 Hours sign flickering above the glass door. He didn’t know what to do with an answer that didn’t fit his logbook. He adjusted his belt and looked away, his reflection caught in the glass of the drink coolers—just another silhouette trapped in the neon.
I thought I was getting better at measuring time in cups of coffee instead of hours. One a day felt manageable. A tribute, rather than a haunting.
Still, it wasn’t enough.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll try harder to leave when the cup is empty. Or maybe I’ll stay until the sun bleaches the neon sign.
I’ll order another.
I’ll wait for the chime of the door, hoping that just once, the transmission stays clear and it’s you walking through it.
-| Fluorescent Hours |-
Truth is, time didn’t make me wiser—it made me afraid, and it made me skeptical.
When you knocked on my door, I already knew you were coming. You could be miles away and I would still hear your footsteps. Inside my head, you wore that devilish smirk, cocked your rifle, and took aim at my catacomb.
"Got you," you probably thought.
By then, I was already a willing victim, not the kind that self-destructs in madness, but the kind who quietly packs what remains of themselves: skin, bones, and clothes enough to last a few days. I watched you through the peephole of ghosted memories, scrutinizing the shadow you cast.
You knocked. I opened the door and closed it behind me instantly, shielding the chaos inside. I smiled as sweetly as I could, weapon in hand, and suddenly we were on our way to your place.
“Take a seat. Get comfortable, my love,” you murmured, breathing into my hair.
You took the backpack. The gun. My shoes.
Then, the hallway bled. The walls stretched into the cold stone of a cathedral. I saw myself in the center of that hollow sanctuary, drowning in a white dress too heavy for my frame—a shroud of purity I no longer owned, glowing under the judgment of stained glass. It was a wedding for a ghost. I was a pale sacrifice waiting for a benediction that would never come.
Then the stone turned back to wood.
You kissed my forehead. I stayed frozen, one foot in your world, the other braced behind me, ready to flee.
“I love you,” you said. A word disguised as loneliness, dressed in solitude.
I stepped fully inside and whispered it back.
Honey, this is not a love story.
This is a testimony for the people and places we mistook for love.
-| Peephole Theology |-
"A wedding for a ghost. A testimony for the places we mistook for home."