marble

Ask me about my cat

[mimimimimimimiii]

[wiskie]

“Remember, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels 😇”

[modernbaseball]

2 am: bedtime were meant to be broken 😈

7 am: I hope i get in a car accident

[nyadversary]

big shoutout to the gas station near my house which is running a deal on energy drinks and thought the best way to express this on their large LED sign was to make it read BANG MONSTER 2/$5

[nyadversary]

update: you'll be pleased to know that they rethought their sign and have changed it to read MONSTER BANG 2/$5

[nyadversary]

i have terrible news about the economy

they raised the price of monster bang :(

[glitchgirlgasm]

Monster bang inflation 😵‍💫

[plumped-up-furrys-deactivated20]

monster bang inflation 🥺🥺🥺

[tinyyellowflowers-blog]

After school care pulled me aside about my child dropping an f-bomb “without remorse” and I put on my concerned face and nodded a bunch.

Apparently he was building something with a younger kid “who really looks up to him and is just starting to make friends” and said “Hey, you’re really fucking good at this.” which is, in my estimation, really a parenting victory.

[tinyyellowflowers-blog]

I absolutely failed at doing this:

[chronicillnesshumor-deactivated]

Doctors are like: ughhhhh. You're confusing. Come back if you die

[pukicho]

Been getting into ceramics lately

[trans-humanoid-automaton]

How do they taste man

[pukicho]

It hasn’t even been five minutes. Why do so many of you think I’m eating it. It hasn’t even been five minutes.

[dr-cute-pink-doctor]

Yeah yeah whatever how do they taste man

[pukicho]

Not so good.

[adonischildsupportcase]

[utopians]

Glassblowers and hat makers are so funny bc they're so obviously insanely skilled in these difficult crafts and 9 times out of 10 they're using that skill to make the tackiest shit you've ever seen

[junewild]

incredible innovations on the beverage front

[coquettethatcher-official]

just pissed in the stall next to strange

[strange-aeons]

It's been an honour, coquette margaret thatcher

[5weekdays]

my mom was trying to chew through some really tough steak and she turned to me and said “just call me The Gnawer.” she would do numbers here

[5weekdays]

[5weekdays]

she told me she doesn't remember saying this. quote, "must have been steak-induced hysteria"

[5weekdays]

[smeared1992]

you used to be able to get a job just by circling a listing in a newspaper in red pen

[ratica]

[tartrazeen]

And newspapers

[saltedume]

[modernbaseball]

[mxnrique]

i woulda survived the movie Carrie because i simply wouldn’t have bullied her.

[mxnrique]

me eating my prom meal while everybody is getting mass murdered because they couldn’t leave that poor girl alone

[cinderellaswaltz-deactivated202]

Ok, but the thing was she didn’t just kill people that bullied her, she murdered everyone at the prom. Remember what happened to that one teacher that was and helped her? So if you were at the prom you would have died.

[mxnrique]

no me and carrie see each other so she woulda let me live. rip to yall but i’m different

[susandotcom-deactivated20210224]

evil Winnie the Pooh: I could go for a few smackerels of blood right now

[susandotcom-deactivated20210224]

i think i’m going to pass out from how funny this reply is