Life is hard.

Don't ever give up. I feel descriptions are very meh, but I guess that we all have to deal with them. I am a struggling college student with a very depressing mind at times. But this is not me all the time! I swear I am happy most of the time. At the time I created this, I didn't really understand how to use tumblr... But now I do, unfortunately this is my primary blog, so if you want to follow me but don't want my long posts about depressing things follow me here: auern.tumblr.com That's a secondary blog I guess, still dunno what I am doing...

[ravous-blog]

I'm very high right now. And it's one of those highs that seems to have taken me on an emotional roller coaster, unsure of how I feel about the future, grieving about mistakes in the past, wondering what I could be doing in the present. My head is whizzing very fast, thoughts can't seem to be completed, and I often lose track if something distracts me. Or if this song ends! BRB

But what can I really write down? My problems feel so personal that even displaying them on a site like this makes me squirm in my seat. So basically I want to write about issues that I am too afraid to discuss. Physically, I am freaking out, my hands are shaking, the nerves in my arms are so tense that typing actually kind of hurts. My body feels tense, my back tingles and aches, my legs are dead, they just don't want to move, but this could be because of weed, or of how I feel, or a combination of the two. I did say that this weed has taken me on a real trip. Imagine in your life, you basically have a double life. You have a real life, with your parents, friends, dreams, ambitions, goals, etc. And then you have this second life, so to speak, unspoken in real life, no one knows it exists but you, and the people who are in it of course. Cause this life is a sexual one of course, but in a way that no person could describe. A life that only very few people lead. And as you grow older, the second life seems to want make its mark, so to speak, how do you deal with that? How do you let something in that you've spent so many years forcing out? I guess I really don't know. I often times wonder what it would be like if I didn't have a real life. If I just vanished off of the grid and started life somewhere else. I know it sounds awful and like a terrible thing to say, because I love to death my real life, and I love where its headed, but I cannot deny another part of me can I? How can I truly love myself if I don't actually accept everything I am? But I do envision a different life sometimes, I am still me, I still remember my memories, but moving forward I live with different people, with no traces to the person I once was, except for the thoughts in my head. I guess that would be like starting new, but the reality of it, is if I did that my problems wouldn't go away, I would be just running away. So what do you do? I guess the other option is to let my second life make its mark, and to accept myself as a whole and eventually be happy. But that's so hard. Like the outcome, I KNOW, I KNOW its a good outcome, if I just do the tough things that I need to do. Face my fears and move forward with my life I CAN succeed, I KNOW I am smart enough. But I don't feel it. I am afraid to face my fears, I am afraid to accept responsibility and move forward with my life. I like the laziness, it gets hard for me to do anything because I often want to be doing nothing. I am motivated to avoid doing my work. So like I even know the fucking answer to the question I was gonna ask, but I'll ask it anyways. How do I change? How do I learn to accept who I am, and accept the responsibility I need to take on to become the person I want. The answer to this question, as I have kinda already learned is: just do it. As cliche and as much as that's the Nike logo, it's kinda the truth. When you sit in your chair and you are just freaking out how your life is awful, like what I am kinda doing what right now, you should be spending that time doing the things that you need to do. I feel lazy because I feel behind in my academic career. If that was the case, in order to stop that feeling, I would start doing what it takes to get back on track, work harder to get those As, go to professors office hours, study, get in a lab, look at grad schools, look at jobs, etc. But I can't do those things if I just sit here and mope for myself.

So it really starts with myself, I have to stay strong and not let doubt cloud my judgment and stick with my decisions and not let myself fear the decisions I have to make.

Maybe my back is so sore because I have to bear this burden alone. I just write about my feelings, and the end I conclude with is always to stay strong and persevere. But I cannot share this burden with anyone else, I spend my days alone, trying to map out the world with just my own to hands. People would tell me that I have people who care and that I am not alone, and I probably would agree, but why don't I feel that way?

Ugh I have work, yay I'm off to be bored. 

[ravous-blog]

This post is optimistic, because I need to be optimistic.

Summer has gone and past and now I am in a new place in time and a new place in my mind.

Why hello there, lovely readers who have long since abandoned my tumblr because I have as well. I am writing today because I am in the library, as I have been many times before and I felt the urge to write down the progress that I have made as a way to tell myself that things have changed. I vaguely went back and read the last couple of things that I wrote down and I have come to the conclusion that I was very depressed lol. I guess in a sense I still am, but like a looooot less.

I failed my classes, at least two of them, in the spring quarter at UCLA. When I first got accepted to UCLA I never envisioned that my college life would be like this. Alone, confused, literally lost about what I should be doing and what I want to be doing. I broke down and cried a lot during that spring quarter, I didn't talk to many people as well. I just kept waiting for it to end and for me to be able to start over... again. I moved out of my room with my shitty roommates into a new summer dorm with new roommates. These roommates ended up being a loooot better than the previous two that I had, and for me, it was the first sign that things might have been improving. That summer I ended up having two jobs, which was good because basically all the money that I made that summer went to paying back all the debt I owed. I also began working out! It was an amazing growing experience for me that summer as I gave myself the break I needed to really get my head straight about my family and about myself.

My roommates were preparing for the new year, sending me links of furniture to buy, things to get as the new year was about to start, and I was honestly pretty excited. I put the struggles of last year behind me, and I grew from the experiences. Is my life like perfect now? Hell no! But I have made a lot of improvements. My current roommates are awesome friends who I party with and talk about some of the things going on in my life. They aren't exactly the perfect friends that I wanted, but its okay, I accept them for who they are and they honestly do make me really happy when I am with them and that's all I can ask for. Thank you so much Danielle, Claire, and Paul. I really mean it haha. I signed up to participate in band again, and this year has been sufficiently better than last year. Allen, this clarinet kid, I'm pretty sure spread rumors that I was some sort of slut, and it upsets me a little, but because of how big the campus is, I don't take what he says too close to the heart, but one day it would be nice to find out why. But within my section, the altos seemed to have become a lot nicer to me and have accepted me way more than I could have ever imagined. I even hosted a party which everyone thought was totally awesome! So I can definitely say that my experience in band has improved dramatically and I am happy about that. As for my classes... I am doing better too! I am retaking my Health Psychology class, and on my midterm I got an A! I am also taking 100B again, and I got a C on my midterm... which sucks somewhat, but it is actually way better than what I got last year, so I can still say that I am improving. My LGBT studies class is also a lot of fun. I met this super awesome kid named Kian who is gay, and super attractive. I asked him out too, but he said no lol. I was a little down about that, but ultimately I can't believe that I got to the point in my life where I was able to ask someone else who was gay out. It gives me much hope for the future that one day I will find someone who works for me.

I think that I am writing right now because I am a little worried, I have an essay due on Thursday that I haven't started, I have a quiz tomorrow and I still need to read two more articles, and I have two essays that are due next Thursday. I am also worried because since the beginning of the school year, I kinda stopped going to the gym too. I guess I kinda became overwhelmed with school and whatnot and I just haven't made time to readd going to the gym in my schedule, but I know deep down that most of the stuff I write down are excuses for behaviors that I know I should be doing. I stopped playing League like all together, and I also never go on skype anymore either. I think this has been such a wise decision on my part because I want to be living in the real world, instead of one in a game. However, I have picked up the new pokemon game and I feel like I have just replaced one addiction with another. I might have to change something about that. I also have this problem with solidifying friendships I supposed too. Like with my roommates over summer, we all became insanely close, but I don't really hang out with these people outside of when I normally see them. The same goes with Kian, and most other people. I dunno if hanging out with the people outside of class is a requirement in order to maintain friendships, but I have a hard time figuring out who I am really friends with, and the people that I just occasionally see. I feel overwhelmed and anxious mostly about school nowadays, I spent too much time last year avoiding and running and now I really feel the consequences of my actions last year. I mean, last year was really needed as I learned a lot about myself, but I am under such pressure now that it is insane. I think I might start meeting with my therapist again, just to monitor my behavior and to make sure I don't slip up back into the type of behaviors that I was in before. I have zero self confidence, and I question whether I can actually accomplish the things that I actually want to achieve everyday. However, the difference is that instead of just complaining about it, I feel more compelled and like I have more control to change it. It's just about making these changes really stick. I just have to keep telling myself I can do it, and when I get the bad grades that make me want to slip back in to those old behaviors, I just have to tell myself I have to try harder because I know I have to do it. Also, I seriously need to go to office hours, I really need to make these connections with my professors. I also need to do something about my wisdom teeth, they are starting to really hurt, I need to stop procrastinating that too.

Oh thank god, I really needed to write something down. Writing just makes my problems feel more concrete and like I can actually handle them lol. I am a long way from where I want to be, but I know I am far away from where I came and that's progress for me, I crave for more.

[ravous-blog]

Truths

Many people need to 'know' their friends. They need to think they know you. Knowing you means you are no threat to their ego. The circle of friends to them are an extension of their ego. These people circle-jerk each other, validating each other's belief that they are the center of the universe. When a friend starts to change, it angers them. You are not allowed to change, because they already have you mapped out, and changing would mean you are now unknown, unpredictable, a threat to their ego, no longer a part of their safe blanket ego.

What I'm saying is these people are not your friends, they are dependents.

[ravous-blog]

If I was dying, my last words would probably be "I'm sorry"

So I haven't really posted anything on here in quite awhile and I kinda feel the need to apologize, but at the same time I don't. I'm not quite sure of a lot of things right now and my head is in a really experimental zone right now, I am not quite sure what to make of it, but maybe explaining things from the last time I wrote might help clear up some things. Dunno its worth a shot I suppose.

Hmm so the last time I wrote was in February. Well as an update to the end of that quarter, it was pretty rough. The class I got a bad test grade in I ended up getting a C- which isn't considered passing, so I need to retake it. I feel ashamed, humiliated, upset, I can't even begin to describe how awful it makes me feel, I am a disappointment to all of those that have faith in me. But I know that it isn't the end of the world and that I just have to retake the class in order to move forward. Something I will definitely do. I guess I just have to learn from my mistakes and use it to my advantage. I passed my other two classes fine and that's that I suppose for the academic side... More on this topic later. As for the rest of my life... it has been pretty up and own. February was when I had just become friends with Paul... Paul is an interesting person I suppose. He is really gay, and kinda judges me when I don't know how to be as gay as him. He brought me to a lot of great parties last quarter and I met some awesome people through him, and I am even living with him and a couple of OUR friends now, I can't wait for next year, it's going to be awesome. However, this quarter (seeing it is like May now and we are well into spring quarter) Paul stopped talking to me really, and when I try to hang out with him, he is always blowing me off and avoiding me. It wasn't until recently that I found out that Paul had some new boy toy. I felt kinda used and left aside when I found out that they had been a thing for a couple weeks. I wasn't jealous that someone else was with Paul and I wasn't, but I was upset because I felt just replaced. Like Paul only wanted to be my friend because he wanted me to be some sort of "boy toy". I guess it was a mix of rejection and feeling used that made me feel moderately bad about the situation, but he is stuck with me considering we both signed a lease for an apartment next year. I think the answer to this problem is to just like wait it out cause eventually we are going to be living in the same room, so I think that will really be the test of our "friendship" lol, can't wait! Oh goosh, what else happened since Feb? Spring break was boring, I just worked, OH YEAH I ALSO GOT A TICKET IN MY HOMETOWN. This ticket thing is really a big contributor to my experimental thought process right now and I think this will be a good segway to kinda explain that. Back to the ticket! Over spring break, my friends from back home decided to hold a little party thing or whatever and invited me. Originally I wasn't going to go, but guilt got the best of me and I ended up driving to NP around like 9:30 at night. Clearly, the freeways decide to be closed that night and I ended up driving in the mountains while red-lining on gas and I literally began to feel fear creep in because I wasn't sure I was going to make it out alive. Obviously I did, and by the time I spent the extra 20 bucks in gas money I didn't have, and spending nearly an hour in the mountains, I finally was almost there. I made it to the town, and while driving through the town, that's when I get pulled over. Something about running through a stop sign while making a right turn. That's right everybody, I got a ticket for going 10 miles an hour, while making a right at a deserted stop sign at 10:30 at night on a Saturday. My guilt trip is going to cost me so much money. These stupid cops kept making errors on this ticket and while I got issued the ticket in March, I still haven't actually got the ticket...

But the impact of the ticket is what I really want to talk about lol. I guess I took it really as a sign. My goddamned hometown literally wants to kill me, when I visit, I get tickets, on my birthday, the whole town was literally on fire. Jesus that place is such a hell. Well after that day, I told myself that I would NEVER go back there. Seeing my friends really wasn't worth it, and even now seeing them wouldn't be worth it. I know I have bitched a lot about my friends, but I think that I finally realized why I bitch about them so much.

You see, I have this constant like problem of avoiding issues and kinda going into my own world and just not doing anything. Which I think has really been a huge factor in my failing grades and why I have no social life and why literally my life is literally trash. I would go to school, then come back to my dorm room and log on to skype, log in to league, and just kinda forget life existed. I could talk to my friends on skype and I could not think about my problems by playing this game. Since I was with people, I never really was alone, but what took me so long to realize, was that the people on skype I was talking to, are just toxic people. I couldn't express who I was, I thought my opinions were absolutely horrible, just because of what these people told me, and these people are supposed to be my friends. One of these "friends" on my facebook wall, on my birthday wrote "Happy Birthday you abomination to god." and while there is humor in what he said, I have come to think that ultimately this type of behavior is not what I want or what I needed. I talked about it with my therapist, about how I never leave my room and how my self esteem was shit and how when I even talked about my problems to my friends, no one really listened. So I guess that was really the problem. I invested so much time and energy to feel invisible. I don't really know if I love my friends as much as I used to. I can see their toxic behavior and how selfish these people really are. I'm trying to distance myself from them, I can't let myself be thrown around and beaten and taken advantage of anymore. The town hates me and even my friends I feel aren't healthy for me anymore. I'm sad to see them and it go, but I have to remain confident in what I am doing. Maybe this will be permanent or maybe it won't, but as long as I have these problems, I probably will keep my distance. Maybe once I get myself together these things will change.

Which really brings me to my next point, how school has become so hard for me and why I am having such a hard time doing anything. I want good grades.

I want a good job.

I want good friends.

I want a good body.

I want a good boyfriend eventually lol.

So over spring break, after I got my ticket, I had easter obviously with my mom and my sister. When my sister and I went to visit my mom, all she would talk about would be this stupid letter that my dad sent to my sisters and I like two years prior to this event (more like one year but whatever). It was such an annoying process to deal with, she would just keep asking about it, and despite what we told her, she just kept asking and accusing us on how we were on our dad's side, whatever. Long story short, it got to the point where we told her we wouldn't talk to her unless there was a therapist there... which inevitably led to family therapy. Dear god.

Family therapy has made me realize that my family is actually really messed up and that I can't really get a new start in life because of all the problems from the past. I've learned from therapy that my family literally sucks and that I come from an alcoholic family, and I have been invisible and tried to stay out of the way as to not be a burden. Dealing with alcoholism, my sexuality, and my toxic friends has really like made me literally have no self esteem. Doing anything is a struggle because I don't think I can do anything and I don't have any support in myself. I guess that's why I stayed in my room and tried to avoid issues, because I really didn't have any faith in myself. And this therapy was making things worse, sure it gave me an opportunity to come out, which I took and things went better than expected, but all I do now is think about these problems that my family has and it really began to affect me in other areas of life. I couldn't focus on classes, I couldn't focus on my work or anything like that. My therapist told me that I should probably stop therapy. Something about how I was trying to deal with issues that are still too new to me. I have too much anger, and the scar is still too fresh for me to be in a position to deal with what happened in my past. I need to figure out who the fuck I am really before I work on my relationships with everyone else. So tomorrow, I am going to tell my family that I want to discontinue the family therapy because I need to work on myself more than anything else. I've stopped playing video games, at least for now. I'm trying to stay out of my room. I have no idea what I am supposed to do or anything and I literally have to fight the urge to just go back to my room and play my video games. But I need to not only survive, but thrive, and I don't think that I can really thrive living the way I was living. I wanted so many other things and the way that I was living wasn't conducive to what I wanted.

I don't know how much faith I really have in myself, but I do trust the process, and I will stick to it as long as I have to. I don't know what I am going to do with my life, and all my free time, but even if it means just being in the library on netflix, that's better than being in my room talking to bullies on skype being addicted to video games.

Change is so slow and it actually requires hard work, I really wish I had someone to actually talk about these things. I have never felt so alone as I do now. Ever since I really felt the need to distance myself from my friends, I have felt really alone. One day I won't be alone, so I endure the sadness for now, hoping that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I think I am growing up, I just hope that I get things right before it's too late.

[ravous-blog]

I am so screwed.

I don't take to bad news very well. I was doing this really big project for one of my classes when I met with my group to discuss certain parts of the project. One of my friends was talking about how grades for our midterms came out and I checked mine and I literally failed. I feel ashamed and totally humiliated and I have lost all my confidence, and now I am back in my room and I need to finish the rest of this assignment and I feel to distracted by this awful grade, and I wanna go throw up, and I feel like nothing I do is useful and I just feel like a ton of crap. This project is due tomorrow and I need to finish it tonight, but I can't concentrate because I feel so bad, I don't really know how to comfort myself. Like a normal journal entry would be so much longer but I literally just can't think anymore. I don't know how to get back into the flow of working.

[ravous-blog]

"I guess" and "nonsense" are my two favorite words right now.

So time has passed, roughly like two months since the last time that I wrote in here? I guess so.

Wow is all I can really say, I don't think that my life really has improved that much since the last time I wrote in here, but what I can has changed is how I view my situation. I came into school with all these expectations and when I got here, none of those expectations were actually met lol. I guess it caused me to sink deeper into this massive depression because I totally believed coming to UCLA would like totally change my entire life and everything would be great yadda yadda yadda. I struggled because that first quarter I felt as if nothing really had changed and I just hated myself because I saw all these flaws and I wasn't doing anything to change it. When I last wrote, I finished out the quarter as best I could, which was better than I had expected. I literally had no friends, I had pretty shitty grades, and I just felt like crap. Break wasn't that great either, I lived with my sister and I had my own room which was nice, but I had massive debts piling up and so for the most part I spent my time not doing anything because I didn't have any money to do things. I actually got my car towed which costed even more money. It wasn't very pretty, but I guess I managed to get through it. I seldom worked because my freaking job didn't give me many hours, but that was okay with me lol.

When this quarter started, I tried to view things with a new perspective, I don't really know, maybe it was because I took a break from the first quarter and I felt really refreshed. But anyways, things just started to click a tad bit more this quarter. I actually have a friend who introduced me to his friends and he is gay! It feels nice to actually have a friend that I can be open and honest to about my life and literally have no censors.

And looking back on things, and my therapy sessions, and just how I handle everything, I realize that I had like no patience lol. I expected myself to transform after one quarter to something else, but in reality its a slow process that I had just started. I won't be the perfect student as of day 1, but I know that I will improve. Just like these issues with being gay, everything seems to get better with time. I am definitely happier now, am I out of my slump? Not entirely, but I feel like I have come a long way since the last time I wrote.

I have more hours at work, starting to work 12 hour shifts, which is gonna suck, but I'll be making some good money. I bought myself a tablet, and it has like consumed my life. Just recently I started using the calendar app to organize all my school work and my job and although I've been doing it for like a week, I feel a lot more organized. Tuesday I have a meeting with a personal trainer and hopefully I will start on some sort of training exercise or something like that. I'm trying to play video games less and less. I feel like the internet, tumblr, league, reddit, all kind of instill this overbearing self consciousnesses and I think that if I can cut those things down drastically then maybe I will feel better about myself lol.

I never realized how slow change actually is, but I guess it's all just apart of the process.

[ravous-blog]

I wipe my hands so many times, but the sweat keeps coming back.

Have you ever heard Adele's version of Lovesong, you know, the one by The Cure? Whenever I write a journal or something like this, I always try to be listening to be music that sets kinda the mood of the journal or something like that. I'm pretty sure that each song that I write to invokes a lot of meaning, or feeling so to speak, however, looking back at each entry that I have ever wrote, I can't recall the name of the song that I wrote it to. Lovesong, atleast to me, is an interesting song. I think I put more weight to that song than I care to allow, but to me, it evokes these feelings that I don't think that anything else can really bring out, or maybe it can, what do I know.

A common theme in songs, in like 99% of songs that I have ever listened to, they refer to a person called "you". In Lovesong, it's no different I guess. The words talk about loving you, and how being with makes the singer feel at ease again, and that "I will always love you". I think it is up to the listener to interpret who might be "you" and who might be "I". The obvious answer, and probably the answer that gives the most meaning is that "you" refers to the one "I" loves, the person that is.  When I listen to this song, I think of how amazing it might be to possibly love someone. Whoever wrote the lyrics of the song must have felt such a strong presence because the its a beautiful song. What made the song popular was people's ability to relate to the song too. So that means, not only the writer of the song, but millions of other people in the world have experienced, or can relate to what the lyrics of the song actually say. When I listen to it, I get excited and giddy, like one day, I will be able to relate to the song. Often times, I close my eyes and picture me slow dancing, with whoever, just someone. Back and forth, just like in an eternal moment. Maybe its a calming effect or something but I just feel more at ease when I think about how one day that I too, can appreciate the song, less as an option of looking forward to the future, but an appreciation for what I have at that given moment. Ugh, I don't really know. I got my midterms back from my second set of exams, and surprisingly, I did better than I did on my first set of midterms. Which, I guess is a victory, but to be honest, I still feel just as shitty. Like I cheated and didn't really pay attention and just kind of went through the motions. But that's how I have always been, I don't do... anything. I sit in my room, go on facebook, play League, listen to music, and watch TV. When I came to this school, I wanted to do so many things, I had so many ideas and stuff on what I wanted to do, yet I have to do any of that. This past weekend, UCLA beat USC for the first time since 2006. That night people were going crazy! Out with their friends, celebrating the fact that UCLA had beat their rivals after a long period of time. As for me, I sat in my room, for the entire night, not doing anything. I hate how I live, I really do. I wish I was a more interesting person, I wish I had the ability to make friends that I was actually proud of and that I wanted to actually hang out with. The only friend I have here believes in such ridiculous philosophies that when I am with him, I am actually more upset. I don't really want to be his friend anymore, but outside of him, like no one actually listens to me lol.

It's so weird cause I feel the same way about my old friends not from college too, like they are just on a different level, not that I am trying to patronize people or something, but I feel like that where I am at as a person, is just somewhere else, and the only reason why that I am still friends with the people that I am friends with is because of the history that we have together. Other than that, I see no purpose in being friends, their decisions are irrational, and how they play their fucking games just boggles my mind. So here I am, this fucking nuisance of a kid, who essentially cheated his way to get to a university that he doesn't even fucking deserve. Who's roommates are such an annoying pair of people, I don't even get it. I can't make any friends, at least the type of friends that I want to make, I can't uphold any values, or commitments that I want to keep, hell I really wish I could just drop out of band too.

A part of me literally just wants to do nothing. And it's getting worse. When I am in class, my hands and feet start to go sweaty, I become restless and I just can't wait to leave class. The ONE time that I went into the LGBT resource center at my school, not only was I sweating literally everywhere, I had shortness of breath, I was feeling light headed, I did NOT want to be there. When I went to the therapy place, it was the same deal. Literally the only place that I don't get all anxious and nervous is in my dorm room. However, when I am in my dorm room all I do is hate myself because I am such a failure as a person. NO I FUCKING DON'T STUDY AS MUCH AS I SAY I DO. IN FACT I DON'T STUDY AT ALL. Don't give me credit for anything, because I do nothing. I have my second meeting with a therapist tomorrow, hoping that I can some sort of answers, but I seriously doubt that I can be helped in such a short time frame. My last meeting was two weeks ago, and I am seeing someone new tomorrow because the last bitch decided that she was gonna go on her vacation or some shit like that. All I want, is to be fucking productive. I want to quit band because of the fact that I hate it so much, I want my job and school to work out, I want to be able to sit down and study and not detest everything that I do. I want to be able to get good grades and be motivated to do things in my life. I want to be physically active, I want to get in shape, feel good about myself and who I am as person. I want friends who don't judge me behind my back and who are willing to do the same shit as me. I want to be able to express who I am as a person and not feel humiliated or ashamed.  I can't even post on facebook or skype or anywhere how I truly feel because people are always reading, acting like they are interested and stuff, but the truth is, no one actually knows what I feel, and whatever people recommend is just bullshit and I hate having people prod through my life.

I sometimes wonder. Like the other day, I was at a physical and the doctor asked me if I drank, obviously I said yes, then he gave me the whole lecture about drinking and named other various people where things have gone horribly wrong and inevitably led to a person's death. And I thought for an instance if I had been one of those individuals who dies from like drinking or something. And the more I think of it, the more it would make sense if that happened to me. Not saying that I am suicidal or anything, but if I died, I think that I would be used as a person to make that example. "Oh you remember Taylor? The kid who tried his hardest and got into UCLA but screwed it all up? He had so much potential." I can't see myself actually having a future, so if I died young, I think that I would have so many answers lol. Like I don't see a way out for anything I am doing, my problems just seem to be adding up, they never seem to actually go away. If I died, I could be used as some awesome case to prevent the people who actually have the chance to be successful to stop themselves from doing something stupid. I can see other people having a future, but I can't see myself having a future. And I'll just sit there, in whatever afterlife I am supposed to have, and I think that I would be content with how my life played out. This tragic person who had too many flaws to actually live a full life, destined to die young as a message to all those who actually have potential. I guess you could say that I am lost cause. I literally do nothing. I feel like I am on my last leg, so to speak. I barely walk through campus keeping my head high enough just to get out of the way for other people who actually have friends and can actually succeed. No, I won't kill myself, but rather just give up. Like admit defeat that, as a person, I will never be able to succeed. I will stop trying to look for loopholes, like I am now, and just give up. And whatever comes, comes. I think that's why I am in therapy right now, or I am trying to be in therapy. Hopefully, they have some sort of fucking insight that I don't, because as far as I am concerned, I have wracked my brain for countless hours, trying to think of a reason for why I behave like I do. I am trying to figure out why I have such a repulsive personality that is so quiet that I can't even make or keep friends. I am trying to figure out why I have such a hard time doing anything school related. I sit down with my math homework and as I attempt to work on shit that I don't even understand, I just get more and more upset. And its not even like I am good at the video games that I play, I just get frustrated with that too and eventually just quit. I am a fucking quitter, I can't do anything right. I'm a goddamn cheat, who doesn't deserve this. Fucking ass, I just can't. I don't want to go back to my dorm room. I don't want to go back, I don't ever want to go back. I want to go home, I want to go to my bed. But I have no home, and I have no bed.

I have nothing, I am nothing, I will always be nothing. I fucking hate everything. I fucking hate myself. 

[ravous-blog]

I can't even think of a title I am so irritated.

Ohh what to do, what to do. Got my stats test back, and guess what? I did exactly average. In the grand scheme of things, that's actually pretty good, but for myself it's just another failure that like separates me from the rest of the pack. It's just another one of those constant reminders that I'm like retarded.

Well, I am not retarded, but just different. In band, I have one reed, no money to get new ones and I kinda suck at sax. I feel like an outcast because of the fact that I suck and that I come ill prepared for rehearsal everyday.

I have like no friends, all of the band friends that I made are not like me at all, and I have this really bad feeling that everyone hates me, somewhat. So yeah feeling more differently because the friends that I am supposed to have don't even like me.

I'm not even social enough to make new friends either. I can't do it, I just can't. I don't put myself out there. I can be outgoing, but I always need someone to talk to me first, plus my room is so much nicer.

So I have no friends, and I suck at sax, that's not that bad.

I haven't made a single gay friend either, let alone finding some sort of partner. I guess this issue ties in with the fact that I am not really that outgoing and doing shit outside of my comfort zone is so hard for me. But the partner issue is also a complexity with self image, which brings me to my next point.

Since I can't do most social things, I just sit in my room and play on my computer and smoke weed. I browse Grindr for anonymous guys to tell me I'm cute or whatever. I don't work out, I don't do anything active, I am just so boring.

So like I have all these flaws and I want to change myself. But I don't know how or where or what to do to change. And like it's always been on the back of my mind, but I don't know/ don't want to/ don't have the willpower to, change it.

But I've been dealing with these same problems for like a long time, but I think that now I am being pushed even further to do something about it. I like have horrible work ethic, and I always like put off studying or I don't at all, and I just deal with the fact that I am average. I don't want to be average though, I want people to acknowledge my existence and be in awe of the person who I am. More importantly I want to change how I feel about myself, I want a better self esteem, I want to be able to do things right and feel good about it. So what am I waiting for? Why haven't I done it yet? Apart of me doesn't know how and I feel like I am waiting for someone to show me the way, but even then that's a stretch. I didn't know anything about how to transfer but in one year's time I became like a king at it, and I did it all by myself. Apart of me is really lazy, and I think that's the biggest problem right now, I just don't want to do anything, I feel comfortable and content sometimes, but other times I just feel dumb. I am either in my classes, or I am in my room. I am either on fb, or playing League, these are the things that I want to change. I need to take the first step, I need to gather some initiative, otherwise my grades are going to suffer and I am just going to become an average person who barely succeeds at anything in life. Jesus christ, how do I do this. 

[ravous-blog]

I'd rather stay a fool for the rest of my life.

SO FRUSTRATED! Like honestly, I don't even know what I want, or how I want to live anymore.

I came into college with like a plan, god I am so retarded, I should know that my life never goes according to the plan that I try to make.

Maybe it's cause it's like the first couple of weeks of school and I still barely have my foot in the sand. Adjusting, managing school work, hanging with friends, trying to find a job, worrying about the future, trying to see when I can fit in time to work out and stuff. It's just so much lol. I think, what I really want right now, is someone to smoke weed with, now more than anything. I have friends from band, and they are all like these straightshooters who don't like to have any sort of fun at all. And so I am just like "ughhhhh" whenever I am with them because I feel like there is apart of me that they are missing. Not to mention that they aren't gay. I met like on person in band who is gay, and we hit it off pretty nicely, but I don't really know, like we are friends and that's supah cool and all, but he doesn't smoke weed either, so I feel still some sort of disconnect. And it's not like I am the most social of people either. I have such a mental block when it comes to trying to talk to new people and being outgoing. Outside of band, I really haven't made many friends, and I think that's where I am most frustrated. In high school, I only had band friends, and the diversity of my friends was rather limited. I came to college with this plan of being social and things like that, but I have yet to really see that happen.

And in terms of gay people, I have met a few, but it's just weird. First of all, ALL of them are in band, and they all seem to know each other, I dunno how the fuck, maybe cause most of them are brass and the brass tend to hang with brass and woodwinds with woodwinds, but still ugh.  ^^^^^^^^^^^ I wrote that stuff like a day ago or so, and here I am, now continuing this post. I think to basically sum up what I was trying to say the other day is that I just want to meet people where I don't feel like the topics that I want to talk about are so censored. I want a friend that I can smoke a crap ton of weed, I want a friend that I can freak out about school things with, I want a friend that I can talk about my love life, like extensively, someone who can relate to me on the same page too. I want someone who I can be gay with, be a nerd with, and things like that. I guess that's just a really hard combination to find. I meet someone, 90% of the time they aren't gay, and I tend to censor my conversations. If they are gay, they aren't a nerd, they don't smoke weed, and we generally don't get a long, or we never get past that really awkward stage. And if I do meet someone who is gay and we have things in common, it just gets complicated because there is always the probability of hooking up or things like that. So I'm like still waiting I guess. And I shouldn't force it to happen either I guess as well. It just sucks, cause right now I feel like I have a really low self esteem in my ability to meet new people and things like that. My INSTANT BAND FRIENDS don't really feel like friends. I get left out, no one wants to talk to me, I just don't get them I guess, and they really don't get me. It's just a low blow I guess, when people that you just met don't even want to hang with you or be your friend. It hurts, like a lot. I'm trying to remain optimistic, but it just seems so much easier to go into my bathroom and smoke some weed and waste the nights away on my computer, not really doing anything. I feel like I shouldn't have to try to be someone's friend. I don't even know why I crave the attention of people that don't even like me. I feel inferior and kinda just dumb. I kinda want to write a story tonight, and I think I will, maybe it will make things easier for me. "I waited till the car drove away before I let myself feel anything. This is it, I thought to myself, this is really happening. Before I knew it, I felt a pang of regret. I wanted to run after the car and hop back in and follow my parents, my sisters, my family, back to my home, and snuggle in my bed. I can't do that though... I had to be a big boy and continue on my journey forward. I turned to face the building that I was going to call home for the next nine or so months. I walked through the main office and into the lobby where the elevators were. There were people there, they looked so different from the people that I knew back where I was from. All these people here were here for the same reason that I was too. Education. Many times I would try to argue that higher education was just some sort of sham into giving greedy chancellors an outrageous amount of money. Most of the jobs that required some sort of degree could definitely be completed at some sort of vocational school. So naturally I felt like a hypocrite when I decided to subscribe to the lifestyle that I argued against for so long. I didn't have anything with me in the lobby, for my family had helped me set everything up before they left, I just went down to say goodbye. Before that elevator came, I got a chance to really take what the people were like, and I could see that everyone looked the same as me, at least their disposition...All scared and confused, looking kind of lost. Some had help and their parents were trying to cram all of their belongings in just one trip. Other families walked around, hopelessly lost trying to find somewhere to be, until someone was actually able to help them.

Some people looked more independent than others, they looked like they had done something like this before. For me, everything was all new. I had never gone more than a week without going home, and now I was just expected to live at a new location for like 9 months with no coming home at all?! (except for breaks of course) I don't know if I could handle it.

The ringing that the elevator has arrived snapped me out of my own world and back into the real one. I glide quietly into the elevator, trying to occupy as little space as possible as families begin to fill the already small elevators. The noise level slowly rises as families talk about where they are going to put clothes, asking how far their classes are going to be from the dorm, trying to figure out if they had brought everything. I had been like seriously 5 minutes before I really started to miss my own family, and now here I was stuck in the elevator listening to other parents, talk to their children about the things that they are gonna need. I looked up and tried to stare at the ceiling as the elevator stopped at every floor to let out families, I didn't want to pay attention to what the other people were saying anymore. Eventually the conversation began to die and I had more room around in the elevator. Naturally I got stuck on the top floor, so I had to go past every other floor to get to mine.

"Hi."

I nearly jumped as I realized that there was still someone else in the elevator. Quickly getting myself together and trying to get over the startling introduction, I face the voice called to me a second ago.

"My name is Amanda"

She was so beautiful. She was alone, which was the first thing that I noticed. I'm pretty sure my mouth must have dropped, but I wasn't really paying attention to how I was looking. She was everything that I wanted to exist in my life. Her hair was that kind of blonde that was dark and kinda looked brown in the right light, but it still could be blonde. Her hair was straight too, and it extended to just past her shoulders. Her face, it was so sweet. Her bright green eyes, the rosy cheeks, the softness in her look. Her smile was so nice, I felt like I could stare at it for hours.

"Er.. What's your name?"

OH SHIT! HAVE I BEEN JUST STARING THIS WHOLE TIME?! I contort my face and eventually a really creepy smile comes out, fuck, why do I have to look so awful?  I open my mouth and try to speak, I barely manage to say "Oh! Yeah! My name is Michael" She giggled, she freaking giggled. "Well Michael, it was very nice to meet you" She stuck out her and for hand shake. I don't know why, but for some reason, I got down on one knee and took her hand, and kissed it. Immediately I regretted what I had done. She took a step back and began to blush, I stood up and began to apologize. "I'm so sorry" I said, but she wouldn't make eye contact with me, the elevator came to a halt and the doors open and before I knew it she was gone. I thought about chasing after her, but I realized how big of a fool I had made myself look and the last think that I wanted was to make an even bigger fool of myself. I gathered my wits and went to my door, I entered my single bedroom dorm and crawled into my newly made bed. The sheets still smelled of my family, I never wanted to go outside again, I wanted to stay in my bed forever. College isn't for me, I am such a fool." 

[ravous-blog]

One day at a time is still too overwhelming.

The stages! The stages have returned! Actually I don't think that I have ever mentioned these stages that I am talking about...

Well basically these stages are like things that you grow thing (called stages...) that I think happen when you move to a new place.

Like right now, its my first night at my new dorm, and I'm like by myself and I feel totally conflicted. Basically being in this totally new environment I know that when I am in places that I have no idea anything about, I tend to rely on people that I know from home, they make me feel comfortable, so I text them in a hope of something nice... Which is how the first stage works of this process. STAGE 1: "oh god, I have no friends, I am so alone, I wish that I was still with my friends from before..." It totally blows, like you realize how great of people that you had, but now they are all gone kinda. Sure you can talk to them over skype and whatnot, but its nothing compared to ACTUALLY seeing them in person or something. It's especially sucks when they don't respond... Cause then you know that you ARE alone. But its totally kay, I know that it is still my first day and I need to give it time. I know that I am already better off than I was last year, around my first day too. I feel more outgoing, more excited, still nervous as fuck, but I feel like I can actually make good friendships, ones that are gonna last and stuff. I feel at home, just a little.

The second stage is meeting these new people. Like I am excited to see the diversity of people that I am gonna meet, and all their new ideas that they are going to show me and what I can contribute to them. I am confident in my social skills and I feel as if though friend making is gonna be easy.

Coming out won't be so easy. I'm gonna try to push it, if people ask, then I'll tell. But I haven't ever done that before. So its new to me. I have zero money, I am freaking out about money, I need money, I have no money, MONEY PLEASE. I also hope I don't come off as such a freaking complainer. When I talk to people, it's mostly about how much my life is just awful. I hope that doesn't turn people away... That's something that I am going to work on I guess.

I am in a dorm room by myself right now too. I have band camp this week, so I got to move in early, my roommates move in this weekend, hopefully those people are nice... UGeawuihgasdijgh I think I am just over thinking things right now.  I have band camp at like 9 tomorrow, so I am gonna try to wake up early and get a water bottle and sunscreen... Band always reminds me how unprepared I am for just about everything. Also I took pictures of myself, as like a "day 1" type of deal. Once I get a better grasp at what is going on here, I am gonna do the whole gym thing... Hopefully come spring, I look better and I am actually in shape. Oh well, I guess I just have to wait and see what happens tomorrow, and the next day, and the week after... and so on.

BREATHE! That's what I keep telling myself. Just take it one day at a time...

[ravous-blog]

so are they about people you know or just something you make up?

A little of both, I like to mix things up a bit :P

[ravous-blog]

is your last blog about you and an ex?

Nope, not about me. I have never had a relationship :O

[ravous-blog]

I have another blog, that isn't depressing, go to that one, unless you like depressing shit. Then you are in the right place.

"I dunno what came over me really. It's so hard to describe, but I know that the feeling was mutual. I loved the way you would get all close to me, and whisper in my ear the secrets that you never told anyone else. I loved how everyday that you saw me, I made your day that much better. You took me, away from everyone else, and I realized in that moment, all I wanted was you. In the beginning though, I thought we would go unnoticed. I acknowledged that you existed, and you knew that I existed too, but that was it. It took awhile I guess, for me to really understand that what I was looking for was in front of me the entire time. I went after other people, I'm sorry, I didn't understand what was to come. Actually... I did. Every time I was thrown down, you were there to pick me up, in all the good moments, I remember you, and in all the bad I remember wishing to be with you. It wasn't long before I realized that every moment that you were with me, I felt truly happy. I knew it was right, I could feel it, I didn't care what anyone else told me, I wanted you, I needed you, and you felt the same way.

The time together, that we had was amazing. I won't forget staying up late to talk to you for just a little bit longer. I remember sitting outside of your house, on your porch into the late hours of the night, but only after I had to sneak out of my own house first! You challenged me, shaped me, made me to be who I am to be today and I will never forget that. Instead, I say thank you. I battled for you, I just hope you know that. It wasn't easy either. I burned bridges, made changes to my life for the sake of us, and you were always happy, and it was always worth it.

I can't really understand what was going on in my head that first time we said goodbye. I tried not to let it get to me, but you had such a grasp on me, it was hard to not come back to you. I left, and again I have to apologize for my mistakes, it was wrong. I want you to know though, that the entire time, everyday, I would think of you. I didn't think that I could make it with anyone else really... I would lie in my bed, into the late hours of the night, trying to find anything to distract me from thinking of you. It didn't work, you know that as much as I do. I kept thinking back to when we were together, and all I could think of was 'why did I ruin something wonderful?' I thought long and hard, and I couldn't think of a reason for us not to be together. I mean, we were meant to be with each other.

You cared too, we started slow, and soon we were back to where we left off. I was so relieved. Our secret grew and as time went on I needed to set us straight, I wasn't going to listen to anyone else's bullshit, I want what I want, not what other people what me to want. At the time... what I wanted was you.

Another year has passed and I don't know what to think anymore... Distance will always be a problem, and the fact that I need to check in every two seconds does make things a little harder. But I'll overlook that. Things still haven't settled with everyone else either, but for you, I'll overlook that. I fear we may be growing apart, but seeing you upset hurts me even more. I'll stay with you, because I know it's the right thing to do. I mean, for me it isn't all that bad right? I get the convenience of having someone to talk to at all times. I have someone who cares about how I feel and what I do.

Sometimes you say and do stupid things, and I have to cover for you. But I don't care what other people think, and I know that you have good intentions. I'll overlook that.

We fight a lot.

But I'll overlook that.

It's weird though, the deeper I think, the more I'm afraid it might be true. I'm afraid to say it, I'm afraid to admit that I am wrong, but... but... what if we weren't meant for each other? Those days, when I was alone, I didn't see a way out, I had flaws, I wanted to change myself, I didn't think that anyone would accept me. You did, but I am so afraid. I don't think that I can get anyone else to like me besides you. If I had never moved, across the country, I don't think that I would have had anyone at all.

I don't know what to do! We are so far apart, and I feel like that since I am finally able to live on my own, I feel scared and confused. I need you now, to help me find out what I want, more than ever. But... But... what if I what I don't need is you? What if I am only with you to protect myself? I say I love you, but I don't even know if I mean it anymore...

I'm so sorry, I just want to take all the time we spent together and give it back. I want to make you forget I exist because I am not worth it, I am not worth you. I feel pathetic for thinking like this. I don't want to hurt you, I feel like a fool.

The worst part about it is that I can't tell you this. I pretend to be happy, we barely see each other anyways. Maybe when I figure out how this whole thing works I can finally see what I want. Maybe that was what the first break was for, or so I thought. Maybe I haven't changed and I finally am beginning to change now for the first time. I don't know.

I don't freaking know!

Why? What is wrong with me!?

I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore. Please. Please. Please. Forgive me."

So it's like September now, and life is pretty much on hold for the next two weeks. I'm just basically waiting to move in.

Dear lord I hope I can make some friends. I need some friends, at least some new ones.

Done with my job, oohhh man it feels goood.

Oh I bought League of Legends Season 2 Championship tickets, and my friends didn't buy any. I'll go by myself if I have to.

God they annoy me.

[ravous-blog]

I like complaining

This is literally going to be the biggest bitch slap to my previous post that I have ever seen. I think the reason for this is because I am writing again so soon, I still feel like the last post should accurately represent how I feel, but obvi if I'm writing again, something changed...

So to start, you need to know that most of my posts are an accumulation of thoughts that I think to myself, that I end up writing down in some badly organized fashion and it ends up not making much sense... But yeah. So lately, my freaking job has decided to give me like 40 hours a week, and I am just like dying. The job itself is so boring, I just sit there and fold clothes, but what's even worse, is that I do it by myself. AND OH MY GOD I HATE BEING BY MYSELF. Usually what happens is I begin to zone out, I just fold shirts... doesn't require too much brainwork. So I begin to day dream, usually about things I want, or how I wished my life unfolded, etc. But what gets really annoying is the fact that I always end up thinking about the future. I go through like these series of thoughts of what I want in the future and what I want to avoid.

I must be going through like a quarter-life crisis or something, because when I think of who I want to be, and who I am, they are two drastically different things. I am boring, all I do with my life is be on the computer, I am average... I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to be such a boring person anymore. I want to do things that I like, and create my own identity. Which is why I like want to learn how to dive and workout and stuff. Just an attempt to recreate my own image and hopefully make myself more appealing and more "worldly" so to speak.

So in my escapade of realizing things that I want to do, I begin to research diving and stuff. Obviously what I found was disheartening, but to be honest, I had no idea what to expect. To get to a like decent level of diving, you have to spend like hours doing all this stuff and its really insane. Plus they were mentioning the amount of injuries and things like that. Oh man it scared the living crap out of me.

In that moment, I didn't want to do it anymore, I wanted to already give up despite the fact that I hadn't even started yet... And it just made me so annoyed. This feeling of being boring is still there, but I didn't even want to make an effort to change myself, just after I saw that there was a little bit of a challenge involved. I didn't even believe in myself.

I started doubting everything all over again. I began to get pissed at my parents for not putting me in a good sport like diving when I was a kid. I started to feel all this regret for how I have lived my life because I feel like it has almost become permanent. Like I will always forever be average. I feel like I missed my opportunity to do something that no one else can do.

I just really want some sort of recognition. I want people to understand that I am unique and I have talents that no one else has. I want to stand out, I'm so sick of just being another face in the crowd. I think that's why I chose diving. I mean, how many people do you know that can actually do what a diver does? It's absolutely astounding!

So it freaked me out, I hated who I had become and was just thinking about all the things that I could have been. I feel defeated even before I have the chance to begin.

I'm still gonna do it though, I am still gonna go out of my way and make an effort to learn how to dive and to get myself in shape. It's just scary, I don't even know if I'll like it and I feel like I am running out of time. 

So no, I no longer feel like I just found money in my old jacket. I am absolutely petrified of being a nobody. I need to find out who I am. I need to find out what I want.

It doesn't help that in exactly one month, I move into school and I get to actually begin my life. I am like sitting here just freaking out because I want to like experience things that I couldn't do living here. I want to move away from my mom like asap, living on my own was so much more enjoyable. Moving back in with my mom has just made me frustrated and upset and wanting to leave again now more than ever.

Also on a side note, I think that I have finally taken a stance when it comes to my parents. Reflecting on their lives and how they raised me, I realized that my parents were a giant train wreck to me. Like when you think of parents, you think of people who are trying to help you succeed. HAHA, not my parents. They were a freaking obstacle and made my life so much harder than it had to be. We never had money for me, but we always had money to go on these extravagant trips that my dad wanted to go on. My mom is legitimately incapable of doing anything on her own. Anything that my parents have given to me has caused me more trouble than actually helped me.

So that's why I think I have learned to become more cold towards my family, my parents in particular, then I should be. Like I cannot rely on them to pull through with anything, so I have to disregard their existence and do it on my own. College, a job, my sexuality, just everything that I have done, my parents haven't contributed to at all. And if this is how my parents are, then I think that I am done with them too.

I don't hate my parents, or at least I don't think I do. I just feel nothing to them anymore.  They have made my life a living hell. I couldn't even come out of my room with them somehow ruining my day/moment/night/weekend/forever. I need to think about myself and for myself and compassion for people who essentially screwed me over... Yeah that isn't happening.

So when I say I feel nothing, I think of it as a worse punishment than being mad in the first place. Like they aren't even worth my time anymore. I don't care what happens with their divorce, their divorce has actually been the best thing for me. I became even more independent after we lost everything because my parents are dumber than an inbred donkey. I look at them and think of all the shit in my life because of them, how unsupporting and condescending they were to me. The only things that I have learned from my parents, is how not to behave.

So yeah, I don't even believe in myself, and I hate myself for not believing myself. And I hate where I am living, I hate my job, I just hate everything. I remember when I didn't feel this way, like when I lived on my own, and didn't have to deal with such annoying people.

I hate you mom, I hate you mom, I hate you mom, I hate you mom. Mom, I feel nothing towards you. No compassion, no pity, you are just pathetic and I hope that your drinking kills your liver.

My dad is dead to me, I literally haven't talked to him in over a year. It feels as if he is dead because of just how absent he has become. And you know what? I'm not even upset. Like this is expected from him. And besides why would I want to talk to him in the first place? All he does is just complain and yell at me about things I should have done despite the fact that he has the advantage of looking at my actions with hindsight.

My motivation for college right now, comes from the fact that I don't wanna be my parents and college will hopefully make me smarter than an inbred donkey.

[ravous-blog]

That moment when you find money in clothes you haven't worn in a while.

So the olympics, yeah... Loving it. Heh

But no this is more serious than that lol. Watching the olympics though did invigorate a passion that had a dying flame. I'm not like the most in shape, but I'm like skinny and just out of shape, I lack any sort of definition, and I do nothing with my life. So yeah, kinda pathetic. When I realized that I had the opportunity to work out at a good ass gym, I realized that I need to get in shape.

I've had this like want to get in shape before, and most of the time I never really do it... Like everyone else etc. But this time it just feels so differently. Like I am convinced that I actually am going to do it. I've even started eating better now, and doing research on how to work out. When I work, I look at like tank tops and I wanna be able to look good in them, I just think about how much better I would look if I put a little effort into it. I think that I'm kinda cute right now, I'm not hot, or like jaw dropping, but I like to think I have a little charm. Maybe I can use getting in shape a way to boost my looks too.

And while watching the olympics, I realized that I want to do diving. To go into some detail, I have always wanted to do diving, if my high school had diving, I would have done it, but they didn't, so I couldn't. UCLA is def the place where an average student could learn how to dive. Diving also produces amazing bodies, like Adonis-status-god-sent-give-from-above bodies. I wouldn't mind walking around looking like a god. And diving is always fun as shit to watch. Like what they do is INCREDIBLE. I could impress people at parties all the time. Plus I do nothing with my life, doing diving its better than nothing. "So what do you do outside of school?"

"Nothing..."

or

"So what do you do outside of school? 

"I fucking DIVE."

Okay I'll admit, I did exaggerate the responses, but only a little.

I just hope that I actually CAN do it, whenever I look up how to be a diver, it says you should start at like 7, man, I'm twelve years late! So like I have this motivation, I have means, I really feel like I can do this. And so today, at my very lonely job, I thought to myself for 8 hours "why?" "Why does this time feel so different from all the others" And I realized that I finally had motivation in my life. Throughout my entire like high school career and even before that, when I put effort into things, the returns were minimal. I tried working out, didn't work, school, friends, just like everything. Eventually I realized that I was like just stuck or I dunno, so I didn't really give more effort than needed. And fast forward a bit and suddenly I'm devastated about not getting to college and I think I hit rock bottom. From there I really rebuilt myself, I didn't really have a family, I was struggling with accepting who I really am, I was broke, I had no plan, like I was doomed. But yet somehow I survived, and did better than I thought was possible. And I realized that for once in my life, I was doing something for myself. I cared for college because I wanted to go to college. Up to that point, I was really living for other people, in school I did okay just to really please my parents, I did music only because my sisters did, not because I really wanted to. Nothing was what I wanted, and I finally took control of what I wanted the effort that I put in increased ten fold. I set this outrageous goal, and I was motivated enough to do it. Not because my sisters thought that's what I should do, or anything to do with my parents, I did it, because I wanted to. People actually wanted me to take two years, instead of one. And I got the results!!! I for one time in my life, put in effort and I got somewhere far. And now that I have actual results that effort gets you where you want to be, I think I have the effort to actually change how I look. I don't want to get in shape because of other people wanting me to, I want to do it for myself, not for anyone else.

Hopefully my motivation will kill intimidation cause I'm freaking scared to go to the gym, I feel so awkward and out of place, it like kills me to be in the gym.

Feeling good knowing that I can actually do things with my life. Makes school less intimidating, and the whole "life" thing feel a little bit easier.

PS: I hope this motivation helps when it comes to like essays and tests and shit, cause if not, I am so screwed. :O 

[ravous-blog]

One day it will be my turn.

So I found this new TV show called Happy Endings, and one of the main characters is this like totally straight gay dude. Like really manly gay guy and he is the best character on the freaking show.

Anyways, I was watching the show and there is this episode where the gay dudes parents are in town, and he hasn't told them he is gay. All his friends like push him to out himself to his parents, and so he decides to do it. And right now the scene came on where he outs himself to his parents and I freaked out. I had to stop the video and I couldn't breathe. I went all shaky and I actually kinda started crying.

I see so much of myself in comparison to him, so when he went to talk to his parents, I thought of me. I'm not ready for that yet, I can't finish the episode.

[ravous-blog]

It's weird because my friend is behind me right now, but who cares: UPGRADE!!!

So my sister showed me this song like about six months ago called "5 Years Time" and I immediately fell in love with it. It's got something to do with staying with a girl or something like 5 years time but I have mixed feelings about the song. I think that 5 years is too long to really have any sort of clue of what will be happening. Let alone with someone else.

I'm more focused on the now really, or the little upgrades in life that we tend to behold. This journal is going to be rough, especially for my friends.

Where I came from was not very pleasant, at least I don't think so and as I got older I became more aware of how to change my life. Finally when the dreaded years of high school passed I really became in control of what to do. I made some pretty bad mistakes but for the first time I realized that I was in control of my life. 

Things really began to change and I was like totally shocked by the radical changes. I hated where I was, and I finally feel like that where I am going is making sense.

I upgraded my school, that was the first thing to upgrade. I was distraught at first by college, it was the only thing in life that I had really looked forward to and to be stuck at this horrible city college that I hated was just really awful. I talk a lot about UCLA to my friends now because they really don't know just how excited I am. I don't even think I have fully grasped my own excitement on how drastic my life is going to change when school starts.

But it was so weird! I began to think of the transitions of college as a starting point, like there was so much more about my life that I began to change. It first started with my truck, this god damn awful being of a car that is awful and I just hate it, I am currently in the process (not doing so well because NO ONE wants a giant ass truck) of selling it and getting a smaller and better car. I am upgrading my car lol. And the car is going to be in my name! Not my parents.

My cell phone too! I am one of the few people that I believe doesn't have some sort of smart phone. I am stuck in the dark ages with my dumb phone. But soon, probably once I get a job in LA, I am gonna take myself off my mom's plan and take responsibility for my own phone, and fuck yeah I am getting a smartass phone. UPGRADE!!!

Location is being upgraded too, but I guess that also goes under the category of college. Dinky beach town Carpinteria, to super hip and awesome LA. I can't wait for all the opportunities and whatnot that are going to be presented to me. Talk about an upgrade.

My family as well, as much as I hate to say it, but I am becoming more and more detached to my parents and more attached to my sisters as individuals instead of apart of a family. My family has all this dumbass drama that no one seems to be able to get over and I am kind of sick being stuck right in the middle. After I move out I won't ever have to hear my mom complain about how depressed she is, or various other crap about staying strong etc... I want to start my own life and create my own family.

Okay this one, I don't know if I should call it an upgrade or just a different group but I am putting it in because to me, it's a plus. My friends. I love the to death and they are pretty amazing people, but I CANNOT WAIT to get some new ones, people that I have a clean slate with, don't have some weird history, don't know my back story or anything like that. I guess it falls under the category that I desperately want some gay friends. Like right now, for example, the new spider man movie has some sexy Andrew Garfield, but like with my current friends if I talk about me wanting to see the movie for Mr. Sexy, I kinda just laughed at, weird looks, or just turning me down completely. I want to have a group of friends who understand it. I need gay friends, I NEED THEM. Hahaha, but still most of my friends are also located in my hometown, WHICH I HATE, btw. And it's interesting, I think it has a lot to do with the town but everyone is so selfish and close minded and not very... diverse. They are nice and loving people, but I have realized that they all have some major flaws and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that they live in this like fake ass town and they are all spoiled and pampered and just ugh. My best friend who moved up to SLO, it's funny because we like almost complain to each other( I complain like 10 times as much as he does) about how different we have become compared to the people that live here. I currently like hate- I wouldn't use hate- but I can sense that my patience is growing short with my current friends and this god forsaken town. (It's funny because I am writing about my friends while I am at my friend's house!). But like that Adele song Hometown Glory, there will always be a special place for these people. These were the people that I developed all my memories with, and while I may get new friends, and change and whatnot, I will never forget how much my current friends have impacted my life.

So upgrade on friends? I think so.

My classes are getting upgraded too, no more GEs, bring on the Psych courses baby! I cannot WAIT to start doing shit in my profession. I can't wait to actually get some knowledge and have some background when arguing points and stuff. I can't wait to acquire the knowledge and skills. Upgrading psych skills, always a plus. :D

The other day was my orientation and I got like awesome times for my classes too, (this will probably be my hardest upgrade) and they all start at like 12. I REALLY REALLY want to upgrade... my body. I'm like not fat, nor am I skinny, I am not ripped, or a blob, I'm just undefined. I really want to change that. I really want to be proactive and workout in the morning, or at least that is my plan. I want to take advantage of the workout centers and ask questions and stuff without feeling so intimidated. I want to go to the food courts and just get a salad. I want to stop breaking out and start taking better care of myself (like right now I have these freaking zits like in my ears and I am so self conscience about them its not even funny) I want to upgrade my own appearance.

I've even started upgrading my clothes, but this one will take a lot longer since clothes are like mad expensive. But I have bought a couple V-necks, and I have a couple pair of skinny jeans, I wanna get myself some tank tops, I want to upgrade my style. I don't want to look dumb, I want to look, act, and sound my age. Hmmm the more I think about it, these seem less like upgrades, and more like just growing up. Who knows? Maybe this is just growing up and I am mad excited to finally see the effects of growing up.

But I do know one thing, and I have seen others fail at this. I need to take initiative, just like with school I have realized that nothing is handed to me and that if I want to change, I have to do it myself. But the confidence boost I have got in the past couple months reassures that I can do it. I can be successful while being gay, I can be successful as a transfer student. I can make new friends, I can get a good job, I can get good grades. I don't want to be a child anymore. I want to upgrade my life, I want to be an adult.