These screenshots could never do it justice but this scene of Cheng Xiaoshi desperately and excruciatingly crying as his own trauma mixes with the feelings of Chen Xiao, directly followed by a shot of Lu Guang with his face hidden from view, always made me feel sorrowful; even when first watching the show.
But now, knowing just how deeply Lu Guang cares about Cheng Xiaoshi and how far he is actually willing to go for him, it hits even harder.
Because Lu Guang is hearing everything Cheng Xiaoshi is going through at that moment. He can hear his gut-wrenching crying; can hear him saying he is afraid of being alone; can hear him scream out not only for the client’s mom but his own as well.
And it’s Lu Guang who put him in that situation in the first place. By not telling him about the earthquake beforehand; by not letting CXS decide and prepare himself for it. He thought he’d have CXS finish the mission quickly and never let him know what happened after. Trying to completely shelter him from any and all harm and it backfires dramatically.
Before this frame, Lu Guang tells him:
but CXS never does and Lu Guang can’t intervene. All he can do is watch. And try to experience it with him. Trying to fully feel the consequences of what he did.
And we deliberately don’t see his face. We don’t know what expression is on Lu Guang’s face as he has to watch the one in his heart fall apart - because of his choices. All we do see is that Lu Guang too is holding his own hand. Just like CXS is holding the hand of the dying mother, all Lu Guang can do is hold his own hands.
And when CXS comes back he has to act cold and strict again. Because maybe he wasn’t just protecting their rules here. Maybe this Lu Guang is already the one who has to make sure their current present doesn’t change again. Even though he felt sympathy for Chen Xiao and wanted to help him let go of regret (because maybe Lu Guang already knows what that’s like) he still had to be strict about their rules.
And of course, Cheng Xiaoshi punches him. Wouldn’t you? Not telling him about the earthquake, lying to him about saving the mother and then saying sorry like he barely even cares. Why is his friend so cruel?
and Lu Guang isn’t surprised. Quite the opposite actually: Lu Guang expected this. Maybe he even welcomes it. He takes the punch, because he too thinks he deserves it. Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t know why he is doing this and he never will. But at least he can take one punch. Maybe that will ease some of the sorrow in Cheng Xiaoshi’s heart.
But when CXS falls down and starts crying again, Lu Guang can’t keep up the act either. It only takes him a few moments to get back up, walk over to Cheng Xiaoshi again and do what he actually wanted to do from the start:
And then you think back to how they hid his face in the first few panels up above and you remember the face he made while telling CXS that he can’t save someone who already died.
And looking back at it now you realize there was a lot more to this face than just trying to prevent CXS from “doing something stupid”.
And I’m sure we are all aware that whatever expression was on Lu Guang’s face here:
seeing it might just break our hearts alongside theirs.
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