Ray tells stories using language

Just a place for my poems and stories :)

[rayspoems]

Lists

lists, lists and more lists not stressful to–do's, little lists of little things, one dice roll, maybe one more, and the numbers choose for me, from my little list, a little thing to do. My little enjoyable treat, chosen randomly, or not so randomly, from my little list of little things. this is why lists calm me.

[rayspoems]

Merlin

Through the flurry of colour, and strokes,

at the end of the tunnel filled with art,

in the square room full of gods and Fae of the times old,

I saw him, me, him, me, him, me,

Merlin.

Not yet a man old, wise, sporting a silver beard,

but the young man full of wonder,

learning still to control his fire,

this element of power to wield.

A young man learning about the frail balance of the world,

the balance of good and bad, the yin and yang of his time.

I saw myself in his eyes trying to understand this world of mine,

the unwritten rules of this space and time I fell into.

As he is learning to wield his fire, I am learning to wield mine,

find the line between too little and too much.

Between too loud and too quiet, too strong and too weak.

The sweet spot of existence where you can feel complete.

-- inspired by the beautiful drawing of Marie Brožová Wizard Merlin

[rayspoems]

When the space around me feels oppressive and the silence chokes my breath,

I fill the space with food and my mind with anything to focus at.

When I can’t breathe in the empty appartment, I would do anything to escape.

But I still take care to find another way then through the 10th floor window.

I read and read untill wee hours of the morning to keep my mind from cathastrophising before sleep.

Asking for help when I can

and screaming out all that I previusly bottled up.

The silence is hurting my ears it sratches at my brain and makes me sit rigidly still.

My ears hear a high pitched noise so they don’t have to hear the silence.

I can hear the fridge work, electricity sreaming in the walls of my home and the main street humming with cars and busses.

And still the silence feels empty.

My heart beats too fast.

I eat to combat the emptiness in myself.

And I clench my muscles against the pressure of the too heavy air.

But I am strong, I will play myself a sad song and hopefully someday it will be easier to just be

Alone

With myself

And maybe one day that will feel safe, not scary.