Total Word Count: 4,127 (shortest scene is 166 words, longest scene is 330 words)
Genre: Fluff, angst, smut
AU: Non idol AU
Tropes: Strangers to FWB, lovers to strangers, first dates, brother's best friend, friends to FWB
Rating: Explicit, MINORS DNI!
Warnings: Swearing, alcohol use, sexual content (unprotected sex, mentioned oral), self destructive behavior, body image issues in Taeyongโs scene, reader feels pretty inadequate throughout the fic, objectification in Jaehyunโs drabble if you squint, Chenle gets a little misogynistic, Jeno is a dick thatโs obsessed with working out, no happy ending
Summary: Snippets of a life spent craving connection while also running from it.
A/N: After multiple failed attempts at coming off of hiatus, I'm finally back! I'm really excited for you guys to read this one, because I haven't really tried anything like it before. I'd love to hear feedback!
This one was heavily inspired by the song "Unloved" by Lisa Cimorelli and my own self destructive tendencies in relationships.
And, last but certainly not least, I wanna thank @xomakara, @effervescentorbs, @raysramblings, @themoonlightfae, @spacequokka, and @nothoughtsjustfic for helping me brainstorm and listening to me talk about this story while I got ready to come back. I love you guys!
Taglist: @chugging-antiseptic-dye, @notyourjaem, @shadowkoo, @1-800-jewon
Send me an ask or dm to be added or removed!
Fic is under the cut.
Nakamoto Yuta
The Friend that You Call when You Just Wanna Have a Good Time
It all started when your phone vibrated, your phone flashing with a notification for a text from Yuta.
Yuta: You awake?
You: Yeah. Why?
Yuta: I found a new bar a few towns over. You wanna go?
You: I donโt know if thatโs a good idea. Remember what happened last time?
Yuta: Nope. Thatโs precisely why Iโm asking. Iโm bored and want somebody to get in trouble with.
You: Fuck it. Letโs go.
Just like every other time you went out, Yuta picked you up after your roommates went to sleep for the night and drove you to the site of your latest adventure. The bar that your friend dragged you to this time was smaller than the ones you typically went to, but you didnโt necessarily mind that. After all, you werenโt there to socialize. You were there to drink until you could barely remember your own name in an attempt to numb the pain. Sure, you would barely remember what happened the next day, if you remembered anything at all, but maybe that was for the best, considering the things you liked to do when you were drunk and hurting.
Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul
The Fuck Buddy that Says He Loves You because You Let Him Do Whatever He Wants
โI fucking love you,โ Ten said with a loud groan as he pounded into you.ย You were certain that he didnโt mean it when he said it, despite how many times he insisted he did, but you honestly couldnโt find it in yourself to care. Not when he fucked you hard enough that every ounce of pain that filled your heart was replaced by pure desire with every thrust. Sure, you knew that it was a temporary relief, a band-aid over the bullet holes that destroyed your sense of self and left you relying on empty distractions to get by, but youโd always thought that temporary relief was better than none at all.
Soft whimpers and moans fell from your lips as Ten continued to fuck you, and you held onto him for dear life. After all, you knew he wouldnโt stay after he was done. He did sometimes, mumbling soft promises that he wanted more than sex, but more often than not, he was gone as soon as the aftercare was done. You really didnโt know what was going to happen, so you were determined to keep him close for as long as you possibly could. Anything to feel something other than pain for once.
Lee Donghyuck
The Player that Thinks You'll be the One to Fix Him
Of course, you knew when you went home with Donghyuck that he only wanted sex from you. Did you care, though? No, you didn't. At least, not at first. You were just like him, looking for a good time and a little bit of attention with no real commitment. And for a while, that was exactly what you got.
Then, about a month after you started sleeping together, he started trying harder to keep a conversation going before he left for the night. As he helped you clean up, he asked you about your day, your dreams, and the things that made you happy. You really tried to dodge the questions, not wanting anything beyond a surface level connection, but he kept pushing.
"Seriously, what do you want more than anything?" he asked, looking at you differently than usual.
"I don't know," you answered once again. "Why do you even care anyway? I thought we were just fuck buddies."
"Well, I changed my mind about some things."
There was a moment of silence before you cautiously asked, "What things?"
"You," he answered, staring at you like you were the center of his world. You were silent in response, just shifting nervously in your spot, so he continued, "I wanna be more than just your fuck buddy. I don't know what it is about you, but you make me feel like I could be something better, and I like it."
"Yeah, sorry, but this isn't gonna work."
"What do you mean?" he asked, genuinely surprised by your reaction.
"You're not gonna use me to be a better person. That's not what this is."
"I'm not-"
"Get out."
Donghyuck stormed out of your apartment after that, and you collapsed into your bed and sobbed, asking yourself why you couldn't find someone that actually listened and respected you.
Lee Taeyong
The Pretty Boy that Makes You Wish You Were Beautiful
The first thing that people said about Taeyong when they saw him was that he was gorgeous. His eyes seemed to sparkle when he laughed. His voice was sweeter than even your favorite love song, the one that hadnโt been soured by years of feeling like love was too far out of your reach. His smile was like a personal ray of sunshine, always making the world around him a better place.
That was why it baffled you that Taeyong was willing to even be seen with you. You felt like you were everything that he wasnโt, and every day you wondered what made you so special. The fact that someone like him, the man that looked like Aphrodite herself crafted his smile, wanted someone like you, the person that couldnโt look in the mirror too long for fear of being driven insane by self-hatred, made no sense in your mind.
Maybe the differences that you saw between the two of you were why you walked away after a measly three dates. Why you told Taeyong that you didnโt want to see him anymore. As you told him that you didnโt think that the two of you were a good match, you considered telling him that it was nothing personal. That you just couldnโt ever see yourself measuring up to what he deserved.
Did you, though? Of course not. Instead, you gave a half-hearted explanation about incompatibility, which he could tell was a lie. He didnโt exactly try to stop you though, and you appreciated that. After all, if he did, you knew youโd break and tell him everything. And you couldnโt stand the idea of him seeing that you were just as weak as you were ugly.
Wong Kunhang
The Lovable Idiot You Only See Once
You could hardly believe how truly happy you felt when you met Kunhang at a party. He was funny, telling jokes that sounded ridiculous but never failed to make you laugh, and he was attentive, his focus never leaving you the entire time you were on the dance floor. In all honesty, it was strange. Was this the connection that you were so desperate for? Did you finally meet someone that could make you feel just a little bit less alone?
You never got to find out the answer to your question, since you heard someone call Kunhangโs name as you walked to the bar together. You tried to ask him for his number before he left, but before you could get the words out, he was lost in the crowd.
You wanted to be upset that youโd had another failed date, but in the end, you just couldnโt find it in you. Even though you were alone yet again, you still had fun with Kunhang, and you still had a silent hope in the back of your mind that one day youโd run into him again.
Kim Dongyoung
The Lover that You Want but Won't Allow Yourself to Have
Dongyoung was the one person that you hooked up with that you actually wanted a deeper connection with. The problem with that was that something felt off in a way that you couldnโt quite explain. You had no idea whether something really was off about him or if it was just your brain convincing you that you were unlovable again, though. Regardless, you still chose to keep your distance, refusing to let him get any closer than what was required for him to fuck you.
You knew that it was counterproductive to push Dongyoung away when he clearly liked you and wanted to get to know you better, but you couldnโt seem to stop yourself. That didnโt mean that you stopped yourself from hooking up with him, though. After all, he was pretty fucking good in bed, and whenever you were with him, you felt loved in a way that you just didnโt most of the time. And that made the uncertainty and confusion over what you wanted worth it.
Huang Renjun
The One-Time Lover that Sees Right Through You
After you and Renjun were dressed again, he gave you a knowing look and asked, โSo, does this mean that youโre gonna leave now?โ
You were surprised by his straightforwardness, but you still managed to say, โI mean, yeah. If thatโs ok with you?โ
โOh, yeah, itโs fine. I figured you would, honestly.โ
Surprised and offended by his completely correct assumption, you asked, โWhatโs that supposed to mean?โ
โIt means Iโve hooked up with girls like you before,โ he answered matter-of-factly.
โGirls like me?โ
โI could tell exactly what you were doing from the second you walked into that bar and started looking at every man that gave you the slightest bit of attention like they hung the moon.โ
โOh really? What exactly was I doing?โ you asked, frustrated by the almost-stranger that acted like he knew you better than you did.
โYou go out to bars and hook up with people you barely know because youโre alone and canโt handle it. But every time somebody starts to get close, you push them away because you think youโre not worth loving, no matter how much you crave that feeling of loving someone and being loved back. Sound about right?โ
โI-โ
โLook, Iโm not trying to judge. Just wanted you to know that I understand.โ
His ability to read you like a childrenโs book stunned you into silence. With a defeated sigh, you sat back down on his bed and started to cry, suddenly overwhelmed by the complicated feelings floating around your head.
Renjun softened immediately when you started to cry, pulling you close and mumbling soft reassurances and apologies while you tried desperately to regain your composure. Eventually, you did, but even after youโd stopped crying, he begged you to stay the night, too worried about your wellbeing to feel comfortable with you leaving. You agreed, but you also swore to yourself youโd never sleep with Renjun again, no matter how much you loved the feeling of finally being understood.
Jeong Yunoh
The Friend that Thinks He Wants to be More
Every time you saw Jaehyun, he made a point to tell you just how beautiful you were and how happy he was to see you. Normally, youโd appreciate the compliment from your friend, since he was known in your friend group as the โking of cheering people up.โ However, the almost seductive tone in his voice and the way he fidgeted whenever the two of you made eye contact made it clear to you that his intentions werenโt exactly platonic.
The problem with that was that you only saw Jaehyun as a friend, and you were certain that if he actually took the time to try and get to know you instead of just staring at you whenever you wore a skimpy outfit, heโd feel the same. But you knew that if you tried to tell him that, he wouldnโt listen, so you decided to just accept the compliments. After all, it was nice to feel wanted sometimes, even if you knew that it wasn't real.
Zhong Chenle
The Coworker that Thinks He Knows Better than You Do
You really tried to tune out your coworkers arguing, especially because you felt the argument was completely inappropriate for the office, but it was difficult with their loud volume and condescending tones.
โIโm telling you,โ Chenle said from his cubicle. โWomen like that donโt care about anything or anyone.โ
โWhat do you mean by โwomen like that?โโ you asked, butting into the conversation because you were sick of the bickering.
โThe ones that go out to a different club every night to hook up with whatever poor sap is too distracted by how they look to think properly,โ Chenle answered, uncharacteristically venomous.
โDonโt you think thatโs a bit much?โ Minhyung chimed in.
โNo, I donโt,โ Chenle said before turning back to his desk, signaling that he was done discussing it, even though he was the one that started the conversation by ranting about โwomen of today.โ
You knew that you werenโt the only one tired of listening to Chenleโs rants at work, so you decided to take the logical next step and reported him to HR. Once you left for the day, though, you felt unbelievably drained. Sure, you knew that what he said wasnโt about you specifically, but it still bothered you. You wondered if it was because you knew that you were doing exactly what he was describing, but there was more to it than that. After all, it just showed how little he knew about the world and the people in it.
Na Jaemin
The Boy Next Door that Only Cares on the Surface
When you got back to your apartment building after work, you literally bumped into your neighbor, Jaemin. You tripped on one of the stairs and fell into him, and when he caught you, he asked, โWoah, you ok?โ
โYeah, Iโm fine,โ you said, collecting yourself. โHow are you doing, Jaem?โ
โGreat, actually,โ he answered, completely oblivious to the fact that you were trying to get around him to get to your apartment. As he talked about his work and relationships, you tried to pay attention, but your mind frequently wandered to the cleaning that would need to be done once you actually got into your apartment.
After Jaemin finished talking, he moved around you and walked down the stairs, not even bothering to say goodbye. Part of you was relieved, just wanting to get home, but the other part of you was a little hurt that he couldnโt be bothered. In the end, though, you tried to tell yourself that you didnโt actually care about how alone you felt when no one even had the time for small talk.
Park Jisung
The Brother's Best Friend that Promises Not to Tell
When Taehyun told you that Jisung would be picking you up from the bar at the end of the night instead of him, you were far from thrilled. You loved your brother dearly, but youโd always hated his friends, particularly Jisung. He had the kind of arrogance that got under your skin like very little else could, he constantly spoke down to you and treated you like a dumb little kid, despite your closeness in age, and he was insanely gorgeous. Of course, the fact that he was one of the most attractive men youโd ever seen wasnโt why you hated him, but it did make being around him more frustrating than it had any right to be.
Still, even though you hadn't had anything to drink that night, you hated driving, so you were grateful that Jisung agreed to pick you up. So grateful, in fact, that you decided to set aside your frustrations for the night. You even repaid his kindness by taking him home and giving him โthe best blowjob heโd ever had,โ as he described it once you were done. After helping him clean up, you smiled and said, โThanks again.โ
โNo problem. Iโm always happy to help a friend out.โ
There was a moment of silence before you asked, โYouโre not gonna tell Taehyun about this, right?โ
โOf course, not. Iโm not that kind of person.โ
You breathed a sigh of relief and said, โOk, thanks,โ before leaning in to kiss him again.
Xiao Dejun
The Lover that Should Be Perfect for You
Every moment with Dejun should have been magical. He treated you like a princess every time the two of you went out together, never leaving your side unless you needed something or explicitly asked him for space. Not that you ever asked for space much, though. He also made a conscious effort to listen when you spoke to him, taking in the details of every story you told like they were the only thing keeping him alive. He loved you, and that was plain for anyone with eyes to see.
So why did you feel so empty when you were with him? Why did every moment feel more like checking boxes and maintaining a routine than spending time with someone that you cared about? You had no idea, but you did know that there had to be something wrong with you, since everything about Dejun radiated love and warmth. The exact opposite of your heart that had frozen over because of years of pain and heartbreak.
Maybe that was why you ran, to avoid freezing his heart too.
Lee Jeno
The Gym Rat that Makes You Feel Like You'll Never Be Enough
Unlike your other potential lovers, you didnโt meet Jeno at a club or bar. Instead, you met him at the gym during yet another failed attempt at getting your life together. Heโd been using the treadmill next to yours, and when you both finished up, you exchanged numbers. You tried not to think about it, but a small part of you was hopeful as you walked away with promises of a date.
When you finally went out with him, though, it was a disaster. You tried to suggest dinner at a restaurant, but he declined. When you asked him why, he said that none of the places in town that werenโt โmass produced garbage,โ in his words, had any healthy options that were actually good. You wanted to tell him that you thought he was wrong, but you held your tongue while the feeling of inadequacy threatened to follow you whole.
Instead, Jeno suggested going back to the gym to โwork off the day.โ You were exhausted from work, though, so you tried to suggest something that required less energy so that the two of you could just chill and get to know each other. His response to that was, โIโm not gonna sit on my ass just because you canโt keep up.โ
Needless to say, you never went on that date, and the hope that youโd felt when you first met him was squashed like a bug that didnโt make it across the sidewalk in time.
Dong Sicheng
The One-Time Lover that Thinks He Understands
โI know why youโre doing this,โ Sicheng had said as you gathered your things to go home after your first night together.
โOh really?โ you asked, trying to sound playful instead of worried. โWhy am I doing this, then?โ
โYou think I donโt wanna see you again.โ
There was a beat of silence before you asked, โWhat?โ
โOh come on, itโs obvious,โ he said. โI saw the way you looked at me before you grabbed your bag.โ
โThatโs not-โ
โItโs ok. Iโm not offended. But, for the record, I would totally be down to see you again.โ
โThanks, but I think Iโm good,โ you said as you finally walked toward the door.
Once you left Sichengโs apartment, you breathed a sigh of relief. When heโd told you that he knew why you behaved the way you did, you expected him to analyze you the way Renjun had, leaving you stripped bare in a way that felt vulnerable instead of exciting. But in the end, it was nothing more than an assumption that you wanted something from him that you hadnโt allowed yourself to want from anyone in a long time.
Maybe he was right in thinking that deep down, you did want more of a connection with him, but you never let yourself see him again to find out. After all, even misplaced attempts at vulnerability could be painful.
Kim Jungwoo
The Friend-of-a-Friend that Just Wants to be Close to You
Technically, youโd known Jungwoo for about three years through mutual friends. but you werenโt sure that you considered him a friend, too. After all, heโd barely spoken to you beyond basic greetings at group events, and you knew next to nothing about him.
Maybe that was why it was such a surprise when he walked up to you at Shotaroโs birthday party, threw his arms around you, and said, โHey! I missed you. How have you been?โ
You stiffened at the contact but still said, โFine. How are you?โ
โIโm good! Just wanted to catch up a bit because itโs been a while.โ
โJungwoo, we saw each other three days ago.โ
โSo? I canโt ask how youโre doing?โ
โI mean you can, but it feels a little weird. Weโre not friends, so I donโt understand why youโre pretending we are.โ
Jungwoo deflated at your comment and walked away. He was immediately replaced by Shotaro, who asked, โWhat the hell?โ
โIโm sorry! I was caught off guard!โ
โYou didnโt have to be such an asshole about it! He just wanted to get closer to you.โ
โWell closeness is a gradual process. You donโt act like someoneโs your best friend right out of the gate.โ
Shotaro sighed and said, โLook, just be patient. Please. And try to talk to him. He wants to be friends, but doesnโt know how to reach out.โ
As Shotaro walked away, you considered what he said. He was right, now that you were really thinking about it, and you started to feel guilty. Jungwoo had never done anything with malicious intent, so you decided to find him and ask for his number. After all, the process of getting closer had to start somewhere.
Liu Yangyang
The Party Boy that Pretends He's Never Felt Your Pain
You walked into Yangyangโs living room with Seulgi and Joohyun trailing behind you, and it didnโt take long for the prolific party host to catch your eye. After all, he had the kind of confidence that looked like it came easily, weaving through the crowd of guests like he was walking around puddles on the sidewalk. As you watched him, you found yourself envying his easygoing nature.
When Yangyang finally made his way to where you stood chatting with your friends, however, all it took was one look in his eyes for you to know that he was in the same boat as you. Sure, he did a good job of hiding his hurt from a distance, but actually seeing him face to face meant that you could see the hint of pain in his eyes and the small nervous habits that youโd caught yourself in hundreds of times.
When he actually introduced himself to you after speaking with Seulgi and Joohyun, though, it was like a switch flipped. He was all smiles as he pulled you into a hug and said, โHi! Seulgi told me that she was bringing some friends. Whatโs your name again?โ
You introduced yourself with a hesitant smile of your own and replied, โItโs nice to meet you.โ
โItโs nice to meet you too,โ he said.
The two of you continued to talk much longer than you expected, but you didnโt mind. It was nice to distract yourself from the pain for a night. And if you were right about the way Yangyang acted, he probably needed the distraction too, no matter how badly he wanted to pretend that he didnโt.
Qian Kun
The Well-Meaning Friend Whose Methods are All Wrong
โYou canโt honestly tell me that you think this is healthy,โ Kun spat.
โI never said it was healthy,โ you countered. โI said itโs effective. Thereโs a difference, you prick.โ
โThere doesnโt have to be, you fucking dumbass.โ
โIn my experience, there does.โ
โYouโre never gonna listen to me, are you?โ he asked, quickly losing patience with your insistence on self-destruction.
โWhy should I? We both know you do the same shit that I do. At least I have the balls to admit it.โ
โDo you really think that?โ he asked. You were silent in response, so he added, โWhatever. Iโm leaving. Good luck.โ
With that, Kun walked out of your apartment, leaving you alone with your thoughts once again. You knew that he was just looking out for you, but you hated his condescending attitude. Especially considering the fact that he had his own less-than-healthy coping mechanisms that he leaned on a bit too much when the weight of his past felt like it was going to crush him. Still, you knew that he was right, so you decided to call him in the morning and apologize. But until morning came, youโd curl up in a ball on your bed and sob as you thought about what your life had become.
Johnny Suh
The Potential Lover that You Know You Could Never Have
Sometimes, running into Johnny at the bar made you want to cry. Not because heโd ever done anything to hurt you, or because you missed some prior connection, but because you knew that he could never want you the same way that you wanted him. After all, he looked like he was sculpted by the gods themselves, his voice sounded sweeter than even your favorite song, and the way that he carried himself made it clear that he knew just how attractive he really was. What reason could he possibly have to want anything more than a quick fuck from someone like you?
You couldnโt think of one, really. So, you kept your distance, at least emotionally. Sure, you still hooked up with him from time to time, but that was where your relationship with him stopped, no matter how badly you wanted more. Of course, sometimes heโd ask you why you never stayed the night after the two of you had sex, but you were a master of excuses by the time that started. You had to be to keep him from figuring out that you were slowly falling in love with him.
Thank you everyone for reading! I'm so unbelievably happy to finally be back. If you liked this one, please make sure to like and reblog!
If you wanna check out my other works, my masterlist can be found here. If you wanna see what I'm working on, my upcoming works list is here. If you'd like to be tagged whenever I upload a new fic, my taglist form is here! You can also send me an ask or dm at any time to be added or removed.
Thank you again for reading, and have a wonderful day!
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