My friend with RAD has been suddenly acting very immaturely, always starting confrontations with us and trying to manipulate my other friends into getting back with this one boy (he cut it off because she was abusively controlling him). I know she has an attachment disorder, but I can't just tell her that what she's doing is okay, and tension is high amongst our friend group and I feel like I'm the only one trying to hold onto our friendships. Am I not understanding something? What can I do?
Hello lovely,
I’m sorry that your friend has been acting this way. Without treatment, RAD can be a very hectic disorder to live with. Reactive Attachment Disorder, can cause the person to sometimes show hostility towards others, which prevents them from making strong relationships, or impacts on the ones that they do have.
There are two types of RAD: Ambivalent and Avoidant.
The symptoms of Ambivalent RAD can include:
Shows compulsive care-giving nature.
Desires excessive intimate contact and declarations of affection from his/her partner.
Can either feel over-involved and under-appreciated in his/her work or relationships.
Tends to idealize others.
Can be very jealous.
Experiences mood swings and extreme emotions.
Finds it hard to maintain a long-term relationship.
Tends to be emotionally overindulgent in a relationship.
Feels that others are very difficult to understand.
Finds his/her relationships imbalanced.
Can be possessive.
Tends to be exceedingly dependent on his/her relationships.
Finds a sense of security only when in a relationship.
Is very sensitive to any form of rejection.
Suffers from depression.
Can be suicidal.
Finds his/her partner unpredictable.
Feels unlovable or undesired by others.
The symptoms of Avoidant RAD can include:
The individual avoids intimacy.
Shows compulsive self-reliance.
Has difficulty in getting along with co-workers and often prefers working alone rather than begin a team player.
Fears closeness in relationships.
Lacks empathy.
Has very low levels of perceived support.
Tends to be overly critical of others.
Passive withdrawal.
Finds relationships as a threat to his/her sense of control and feels that the relation is not worth the effort.
Is very sensitive to blame.
Tends to become intensely self-critical
Does not believe in idealizing a romantic relationship.
Finds others untrustworthy or undependable.
Thinks of himself/herself as an unlovable person.
Avoids personal relationships by citing work reasons.
Is passive-aggressive.
Source
It’s really great that you’re looking out for your friend, rather than leaving at the signs of their disorder coming out. The way that I would go about this would be to have a conversation with your friend about seeking professional help. However, instead of having it in a monotone kind of serious conversation, let your friend know how much you love and care about them whilst discussing it. Your friend is experiencing strong emotions at the moment, and may take a ‘serious’ conversation as more of a threat of being uncared for, or if the emotions are at the opposite extreme, may find you untrustworthy or think the conversation is about your needs instead. Throwing in a lot about loving them, and wanting to help them could appeal to their need for attention, care and love right now, or their self-importance. They may refuse at first, but over time, keep continuing suggesting it when they’re calm, using the same technique. It’s important to stay calm and remind them that you care.
Lastly, if you’re able to contact someone, such as her family or others that have been close to her and ask about ways to help her, that may be a good step. If your friend has a time where she appears to not be strongly affected by her disorder, it may be okay to also talk to her about what’s going on and get ideas on her to support her needs. But most importantly, I think you need to help her see that she needs professional help. That helps her, and helps each of you as well as you’ll know she’s getting support.
Take care,Alexandria.
