your bluest boy

a sick blog. dont follow me

[cut3panda]

[sickandsad]

I want to jump off the city bridge

[ladisputa]

[sickandsad]

I hate feeling like I did something wrong or hes mad at me even though I should know better. Hes not abusive but I didnt know what that feels like til now.

[wastingspaces-deactivated202301]

i hate this body i want to rip it apart

[gothpout]

I am not pretty I am rotting

[sickandsad]

do you ever look up “cure for _____ “ and immediately disappoint yourself and just wallow bc there is no cure and there never feels like there is going to be one

[sickandsad]

I’ve been thinking about seriously dying lately and its scaring me less than it should.

[sickandsad]

it just has gotten worse, ive been planning my funeral. 

[sickandsad]

I've been thinking about seriously dying lately and its scaring me less than it should.

[stolenvaporwave]

[bpdroses-deactivated20180617]

i realllly want to get fucked up. I want to drink. I want to drink until i black out. I want to smoke hash until i can’t move anymore. i want to reach oblivion. I want to drink every drop of codeine until i can’t feel my legs or hands. I want to be nothing. I want to feel nothing. I want to pop 30 morphines and lose sense of reality. I want to get fucked up. I want ro forget and i want to be forgotten. I want to destroy everything including my insides and outside. I want to destroy i want to scream i want to pull my hair out and jump off a bridge. I want to fucking destroy everything and that includes my disgusting stupid fucking self.

[siickangel]

i’m everybody’s second choice

[sickandsad]

It’s been fours years I’ve been tripping over myself for this boy, I know it’s illogical and it’s not that I’m obsessed, I just love him so fucking much and I wish he knew, I wish he knew how much I want to just hold him and tell him everything is going to be ok when he gets upset in his sleep or he vents and looks at me in a sad way . Or when he makes a vague post and I don’t know how to react, I’m so scared to try, I’m such a fucking wimp and I hate it, I hate myself, I hate myself for telling him I could find someone better and wanted to keep my options open only because I was scared if he knew that I liked him he’d find me disgusting in some way and we’d never be the same. I hate myself for torturing myself by watching him jump from relationship to relationship and just idly standing by listening and trying to help when problems arise.

I want to kiss him but god I’m so scared things will never be the same

When he cheated on me I didn’t blame him, I just felt like shit. I hate that I do this to myself.

But what really fucking kills me is that he could die any day and honestly in this moment if he died today I would probably die too just to see him again because he means so much to me.

Thinking about him kills me but man the Times we cry because we’ve laughed so hard are more than I could ever ask for and I can’t lose that.

I can’t lose another person

Brees gone, my dad’s gone, and my grandpa will be soon.

I can’t watch anyone else die, I really fucking cant.

I can’t be selfish, so he’ll never see this or know it’s me.

I hope someone sees this though, I need any consolation I can get at this point.

[sickandsad]

He knows I like him, but I'm not sure he knows this much . Being honest can feel good. But sometimes outcomes are just as bad as you fear. More bearable this way though.

I just need him to know how upset it makes to see him with his ex, I don't think I'm ready for that.

[sickandsad]

I feel like just a second choice

[sickandsad]

My dad's not even fucking dead. What an absolute crock of shit. I'm beyond pissed.

I regret passing up the chance to see him in some ways but it's probably for the best since he's pretty much dying anyway. He'll be in jail the rest of his miserable life and I feel somewhat sorry for him.

I'm nothing like him. I'm not going to be anything like him. I'm gonna fucking succeed even if it kills me.

My brother can eat shit for lying to me

[sickandsad]

It's been fours years I've been tripping over myself for this boy, I know it's illogical and it's not that I'm obsessed, I just love him so fucking much and I wish he knew, I wish he knew how much I want to just hold him and tell him everything is going to be ok when he gets upset in his sleep or he vents and looks at me in a sad way . Or when he makes a vague post and I don't know how to react, I'm so scared to try, I'm such a fucking wimp and I hate it, I hate myself, I hate myself for telling him I could find someone better and wanted to keep my options open only because I was scared if he knew that I liked him he'd find me disgusting in some way and we'd never be the same. I hate myself for torturing myself by watching him jump from relationship to relationship and just idly standing by listening and trying to help when problems arise.

I want to kiss him but god I'm so scared things will never be the same

When he cheated on me I didn't blame him, I just felt like shit. I hate that I do this to myself.

But what really fucking kills me is that he could die any day and honestly in this moment if he died today I would probably die too just because he means so much to me.

Thinking about him kills me but man the Times we cry because we've laughed so hard are more than I could ever ask for and I can't lose that.

I can't lose another person

Brees gone, my dad's gone, and my grandpa will be soon.

I can't watch anyone else die, I really fucking cant.

I can't be selfish, so he'll never see this or know it's me.

I hope someone sees this though, I need any consolation I can get at this point.

[sickandsad]

I just found out that my dad died

I don't think I can talk to anyone I know about this, or anyone in general.

So I'm posting this on my vent blog.