Readiajin

:)

[readiajin]

To Love Herself: Masterlist

Synopsis: Following ACOSF until Nesta’s confrontation with Amren. Rather than going to hike and soul search with Cassian in the wild, Nesta uses her powers to disappear.

Chapters

Prologue: Disappear

Chapter 1: Appear

Chapter 2: Wherever

Chapter 3: Hello

Chapter 4: 

[mariacallous]

[greatpoetryfun-deactivated20260]

Friendly reminder as we head into tax season (for US Americans), that the major tax preparation companies are fully prepared to lie and mislead you into paying for their tax preparation software when you might qualify for free software through the IRS.

Don’t fall for their bullshit. Visit IRS Free File and see what services are available to you. The requirements vary depending on your household status and income, but if you make less than $79,000/year (which is nearly everyone I know), you probably qualify for something.

[rat2rrj]

HR block also did this shit to me, fuck em

[sayosdreams]

ACOTAR MASTERLIST

sayosdreams masterlist

Guide

💌 : Completed fics

🌙 : Incomplete fics

🌸 : I'm open to writing more in the future but don't have plans to do so at the moment.

Thanks for reading!

Nessian

Sand and Stardust - multichapter Nessian pregnancy fic 🌙

** In progress **

POETRY: Painfully Overt Expressions of Trauma, Regret, and Yearning - AU oneshot 💌

Nesta and Cassian are in the same writing class in college

Of Bookshelves, Popcorn & Texts • Of Cell phones, Couches & Cafés - AU 💌

Angsty two-shot where Cassian and Nesta are in a good relationship until Cassian’s phone lights up with a notification: a text from Mor...

To rob thee of a kiss - AU oneshot 🌸

Nes and Cas steal a kiss from each other in front of a busy train station — but is that all they steal?

Drops of Sapphire - AU oneshot 💌

Nesta hasn’t told Cassian her secret. Angst.

Aquaphobia - AU oneshot 💌

A day at the pool with her sisters. Seems harmless enough, right? Nevermind the fact that she’s afraid of deep water...

Melted Dreams (Part 1, Part 2 ) - AU 🌙

Nesta finally landed her dream job — becoming a professional writer. Why was it, then, that she was sobbing outside of her favorite café?

Too - oneshot 💌

Maybe Nesta is too much for this world. Maybe this world is too much for Nesta.

Before the Dust Settles (Part 1) 🌙

Nesta had a miscarriage. Cassian didn’t even know she was pregnant. Angst.

Étude des senses: an incomplete collection of sketches & paintings - AU 🌸

Cassian is an artist. The beautiful, mysterious woman working in the bookshop is his muse.

Strange, Beautiful Unknown - oneshot 💌

Nesta stands on a balcony at night and ponders. Canon-verse, set around or after ACOWAR.

Picture Us (Together Forever) - AU oneshot 💌

Cassian and Nesta revisit their favorite memories from the past five years of their relationship.

>> Craving more Nessian? Here’s a list of Nessian fic writers! (Part 2)

Elriel

Stop and smell the roses - AU oneshot 💌

Elriel modern day fic where Elain owns a flower shop and is pregnant with her ex-husband’s baby.

Elain-centric

Love, Elain - oneshot 💌

Welcome to life in the display case, the sidelines, the background. Welcome to life being polite, pretty, and perfect. Welcome to life as Elain Archeron.

Pulling Weeds, Pushing Daisies - oneshot 💌

They’d all dismissed her, because how much harm could a cherry-cheeked little girl really cause? - Elain, revisited.

Other

Summer Nights and Faerie Lights - AU 🌸

Summers in Velaris mean sunny days filled with fun and drama. Join the ACOTAR crew as they navigate friendships, relationships, and the complexities of being a teenager.

[theteaqueendom]

Lady Death and Her Kingdom, Chapter 12

---

Cassian scuffed his shoe along the dirt, hands tucked in his pockets.

It had been four hours since Nesta disappeared into the forest, and it was just now occurring to him that they may be waiting here for a long, long while.

“She’s found them,” Azriel said from his spot on the ground, where he was preparing a light lunch. “A while ago. My shadows just got back to me.”

“Seems like it took them longer than usual.”

“There’s a strange energy here,” Azriel answered, without looking up. “It seems to slow them. Or distract them. I’m not quite sure yet.”

Cassian sighed, looking up at the sky. He had to be patient, he knew, but there was a protectiveness he couldn’t shake. Not since she’d looked so broken that first night.

“It’s a good time as any to ask you if you know what the fuck you’re doing."

---

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Tag List: Tag List: @c-e-d-dreamer @podemechamardek @talkfantasytome @moodymelanist @whyisaravenlike-awritingdesk @doriansgf @eerievixen @sweet-pea1 @thewayshedreamed @agents-assemble @jsmelodies @aelinchocolatelover @unlikelypersonalknight1 @slipknotvol3 @stylishmuser @lady-winter-sunrise @bri-loves-sunflowers @misswonderflower @acourtofladydeath

[gwandas]

Thinking about Bryce referring to Prythian as “Nesta’s world” again

[readiajin]

Being the eldest daughter is making dinner for your entire family 2-3 nights a week. Then one of the few days you don’t cook your dad asks for help making dinner and you say no because you are studying. Then he blames you for dinner being so late and him burning part of it because he didn’t have any help. But he never asked your two other siblings for help.

[wolfgeneralashryver-archive]

I like that Neata doesn't smile. I like that Nesta is unimpressed. I like that Nesta doesn't fake nice and conform to those around her. I like that Nesta feels most comfortable in conservative clothing. I like that Nesta enjoys quiet activities like reading. I like that Nesta shows she cares through her actions and nor cheap words. I like that Nesta never betrayed her sisters bec of a man feeding her ego. I like that Nesta is who got the Priestesses to start training. I like that Nesta loves to dance. I like that Nesta's trauma isn't stereotypical. I like that Nesta is polarizing and complex. I like that Nesta critically challenges what it means to be a female character. I like that Nesta challenges readers to face their internalized misogyny. I like that Nesta challenges readers to dig deeper instead of relying on what is being spoonfed to them

I just really like Nesta

[faeriebitch]

Since I see so many people say Nesta stans villainize the ic for helping her and believe that she was fine and encourage her self destructive behavior...

Reblog this if you like Nesta and recognize that she was spiraling and needed help, but think that the ic went about it in the wrong way

[gwynesta-archive]

Can someone give me acotar fic recommendations? Preferably elucien or nessian or something with Eris or Tamlin or the Valkyries

[faeriebitch]

Let me help you out (I'll link to the ao3 too)

Nessian:

Au ACOSF by @theladyofbloodshed (rewrite of acosf)

Embers and Light by @duskandstarlight (acosf rewrite where nesta actually goes to Illyria)

Sympathy for the devil by @saphie3243 (it's Nesta's pov from the first 3 books and it made me cry and love her even more)

The Hands that thieve by @saphie3243 (sequel to sympathy for the devil except it's for acosf)

The Rage by @ladynestaarcheron (rewrite of that scene where cassian was sad and nesta gave him a bj and it's done much better than canon)

Promise by @whyisaravenlike-awritingdesk (rewrite of that scene in acofas where cassian throws the gift in the sidra. I actually encourage you to read all of their nessian fanfics)

Paint it Red by @moodymelanist (modern au where Nesta's a vampire and Cassian's a hunter)

Should I stay or Should I go by raging_fire (modern au that made me tear up. it's 2 chapters)

Between Two Worlds by raging_fire (Nesta's from Earth and returns to Prythian after disappearing from their world when she was a teenager - also canon cassian visits the modern world and so do the rest of the ic)

Let me be your home by @perseusannabeth (regency nessian where her she's left a widow and marries cassian to be saved from her brother-in-law)

At Loss by philemonarthur (Nesta chooses the human lands, lives in a cottage and gets a cat. Cassian's there too)

In Defiance of the Stars by @unhealthyfanobsession (Nesta's from the autumn court and meets her mate cassian at a high lord meeting - features high lord eris, happily mated elucien, and nesta's the third in command)

Absolutely anything by @vidalinav (not a fic rec, just binge her masterlist)

A Favor by @ncssian (modern au where nesta and cassian become roomies in his giant cabin when her car breaks down in a thunderstorm- fluffiness and smuttiness)

Assentio Mentium by @unhealthyfanobsession (modern au with lawyer nessian and years of tension)

Anything by @talkfantasytome (make sure to read Stay)

All Nessian fics by @lady-therion (especially the one-shot Burning Brightly)

Wonderland by @c-e-d-dreamer (rejected bond and a mad cassian in the crazy sense)

Let our hearts, like doors, open wide by @c-e-d-dreamer (modern au kid fic)

One Little Mistake by @starksraving (very smutty. nesta dumped her ex and lives with her friend gwyn. idk what else to say just READ IT)

The Exile and the Injured by @theladyofbloodshed (human nesta is sent to live in cabin as sacrifice and an injured cassian falls on her roof and become her temporary roomie)

I'll stop now and give Neris

No One Likes a Mad Woman by @separatist-apologist (nesta dumps cassian and heads off to the autumn court to be with her fire dick hubby)

Engulfed in your Flames by @a-court-of-valkyries (Nesta gets dumped in the human lands and is found by eris)

Set My Soul Alight by @moodymelanist

Vices and Virtues by @vidalinav (snippets of Nesta in the autumn court)

Your Heart (As It Was) Will Be On Fire by @flowerflamestars

and Nezriel (trust me, give it a chance. they're great)

Sharpened Eyes and Singing Shadows by NerdyNikki94

A Secret or A Sin by @vidalinav

viciousness & intelligence by @thesistersarcheron (this is actually nesta x cassian x azriel)

And now for Elucien

Obviously I have to just say everything from @separatist-apologist masterlist. (I especially love They Say I Did Something Bad and also Exile)

@moononastring (Just binge read the fluff, it's good for your soul)

Kings, Queens, and Vagabonds by @gingerwritess

The Autumn Flame by The_Twisted_Kingdom (I haven't finished it yet but it's great, has elucien traveling prythian, and is currently at 627 chapters)

Also @velidewrites writes great elucien (and that smutty nessian piece ;)

Hope that was helpful (I am aware that was a lot of Nessian and I'm sorry I don't know any fics for Tamlin)

[perseusannabeth]

Ahhh thank you so much for putting me on this list with so many other wonderful authors! I'm so honoured!!!!

[bitchycloudsblog]

Nesta Archeron is for the girls who prefer anger over fear. the girls who prefer actions over words. the girls who are scared of their emotions. the girls who love smutty romance books. the girls who are secret hopeless romantics. the girls who fear getting close to people and then losing them. the girls who find it hard to make friends. the girls who grew up way too fast. the girls who are hard to impress. the girls who dont know how to be soft and are learning over time. the girls who are always cold. the girls who have confidence but no self esteem.

[silverflameataraxia]

I was an E/riel up until I read this:

He needed to know what the skin of her neck tasted like. What those perfect lips tasted like. Her breasts. Her sex. He needed her coming on his tongue -

Azriel's cock strained behind his pants, aching so fiercely he could barely think. He prayed she didn't peer down. Prayed she didn't understand the shift in his scent."

This is the first time SJM has made me gag, cringe, and beg her to stop writing.

And this is where I officially jumped ship and became a Gwynriel:

Gwyn's teal eyes flashed with alarm. "No! I mean, I don't mind sharing the ring. I just...I know you like to be alone." Her mouth quirked to the side, crinkling the freckles on her nose. "Is that why you came up here?"

Sort of. "I forgot something," he reminded her.

"At two in the morning?"

Pure amusement glittered in her stare. Better than the pain and grief he'd spied a moment before. So he offered her a crooked smile. "I can't sleep without my favorite dagger."

"A comfort to every growing child."

Azriel's lips twitched. He refrained from mentioning that he did indeed sleep with a dagger. Many daggers. Including one under his pillow.

I know Gwynriel's not romantically involved yet, but their banter throughout ACOSF, plus their scene together in Az's bonus chapter - they're endgame. And I love it!

[pageswithoutaplot-deactivated20]

Reblog if you think the three weapons Nesta made should have been given to and wielded by her, Emerie and Gwyn.

[perseusannabeth]

Chapter 4 - Cassian

A/N: Surprise! I’m posting unannounced! Sorry for the delay guys, once again, life got in the way. I had some personal stuff going on but hopefully I am now back on track!

I’m not sure if you guys are interested, but I’ve made an instargam where I’ll post some general bookish content, as well as maybe some stuff from when I’m writing! If you’re interested then give me a follow on @sim.in.dreamland

Trigger warnings for this chapter include mentions of abuse. Let me know if you feel like I’ve missed anything.

Word count: 9450

LMBYH Masterlist | My Masterlist | My Ask Box | Read on AO3

Cassian liked to think he knew how to act around women. He had been surrounded by women who fawned over him since the day he had been born. He wasn’t big-headed about it; it was just part and parcel of being the Duke’s heir. When he was younger, he had enjoyed the attention of being the heir, and later the Duke had bought him. So he couldn’t pretend he hadn’t had more than his fair share of dalliances with women. Cassian knew every play, every pass in the book when it came to women throwing themselves at him. Nesta Archeron was not trying to make a pass at him, and so it was fair to say he had no idea how to react.

Seeing her walking down the stairs in the red, off the shoulder dress had taken his breath away. No woman had ever made him feel like that with the power of her looks. Nesta had done a fantastic job choosing what to wear for all her worrying. Had she known he had a preference for red? He wasn’t sure who could’ve told her. It was more likely to be a coincidence, but Cassian couldn’t help but feel like it was fate.

Keep reading

[perseusannabeth]

Chapter 2 - Cassian

A/N: Here we are! Finally, after that delay!!! For those of you who missed it, I had some tech issues which meant all the editing my beta did for this chapter disappeared.

Warnings: some mentions of abuse but hopefully nothing too graphic. Please let me know if you think I missed something that should be a warning!

Word count: 11531

LMBYH Masterlist | My Masterlist | My Ask Box | Read on AO3

Cassian felt sore. That was the first thought that registered as he woke up. Of course, he had slept in worse places because whatever he was sleeping on was still quite soft, but clearly, his age was catching up with him. Not that he was that old at the age of 30.

The sun was trying to force its way through the curtains, but thankfully the curtains blocked out most of it, giving the room a soft, golden glow. Cassian looked at the clock above the fireplace to check the time. It was 6 o'clock, which was around the time he usually woke up; however, he very much doubted the staff would expect him to be up this early the day after his wedding, even if they knew that he had never met his wife before yesterday.

Keep reading

[readiajin]

To Love Herself - Chapter 3: Hello

Synopsis: Following ACOSF until Nesta’s confrontation with Amren. Rather than going to hike and soul search with Cassian in the wild, Nesta uses her powers to disappear.

Masterlist

Chapter 3: Hello

Nesta - After Disappear

“Who the hell are you?”

Nesta jumped to her feet and whirled around. 

A woman stood a couple yards away. No, not a woman, a High Fae. The female had dark skin and her tightly braided hair was pulled back, revealing her pointed ears. Despite her ears marking her as High Fae, Nesta couldn’t help comparing her to the Illyarians. She wore fighting leathers somewhat similar to theirs, and they were form fitting around the muscles of her torso and arms. A bow and quiver were slung over her back, with a sword sheathed at her side. 

Nesta froze as she silently cursed herself for not having any weapons of her own. She had no idea how she had used her magic before and had very little faith in it if the female decided to attack. She however, had her arms crossed and one eyebrow raised at Nesta as she slowly looked her over. 

“Do you speak? I asked who you are and what you are doing here.”

The arrogance in the female’s voice made Nesta grind her teeth but also stand straight and lift her chin. 

“You didn’t actually.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“You didn’t ask what I was doing here before. You only asked who I was.”

The female tilted her head and narrowed her eyes at Nesta. “You know I don’t think you are in a position to have so much attitude.”

Despite Nesta’s rapidly beating heart, she forced her face to be impassive as she gave a dry smile. “Funny, I was about to tell you the same thing.”

Nesta wasn’t sure how she expected the female to react, but to burst out laughing wasn’t it. Her laugh was high pitched and infectiously jovial. At least it would have been if it wasn’t at Nesta’s expense. Nesta felt heat rush to her face but retained her still exterior as the female leaned over her knees while attempting to catch her breath. 

When she finally calmed down enough to wipe tears from her eyes she took in Nesta again, her face softer than before. 

“I don’t know what I was expecting, but you’ve surprised me.” 

Nesta had no idea what that meant, but she bit back, “You haven’t surprised me.” 

The female snorted. “Nevertheless, if you want to live you should probably come with me.”

Taken aback, it took Nesta a moment to respond, “I don’t need your help nor will I go anywhere with you. Turn around and go back to wherever you came from.” 

The female rolled her eyes. “Mother, you are a piece of work, aren’t you? We both know that you didn’t intend to come here or even know where here is. If you want food and shelter and help you will come with me, Nesta.” 

Nesta stepped back at her name, trying to call to magic for help but it was silent. “How do you know my name?”

The female’s lips curved it into a tight smile, but she simply shrugged and turned away. “Welcome to the Forest of the Lost,” she said over her shoulder before heading to disappear between the trees. 

Part of Nesta told her to let the female go, but another part screamed at her to get answers. 

“Wait!” The female stopped. “Tell me your name if you want me to follow.”

The female turned back slowly, a mischievous look in her eyes.

“I’m Thalia. Now keep up.”

•••••

Cassian - After Appear

The Obsidian Isles were named so for the smooth rocks that made up the beaches instead of sand. Flying towards them from above, they looked like dark slashes dividing the rough sea and dense evergreen forests of the Isles. 

Cassian glanced at Feyre flying to his right, trying to be calm as he flew towards his heaven and his hell. It had been decided that only Cassian, Feyre, Rhys, and Azriel would go to meet Nesta. Elain had made her feelings clear, and no one explicitly had said it, but it was understood that it is probably better to keep Mor and Amren far away from Nesta. 

They had sent Azriel to scout ahead as usual, but the Northern Island and the rest of the Isles were all free of Fae. Azriel could find no evidence that anyone had even visited recently, or where exactly they were expected to meet Nesta. 

So now they flew towards the dark beaches, all four of them on high alert. 

They landed in the center and examined the tree line. “Anything?” Rhys asked Azriel. 

Az shook his head. “Place seems as abandoned and cursed as usual.”

Besides from their location in the cold and gray north, the soil of the Isles were fertile, and the surrounding waters prime fishing. Despite that, no Fae settlement had ever lasted. Stories of tragedies befalling any settlement were plentiful, from lighting burning down a half built cabin to an entire colony disappearing. This fact had been pointed out repeatedly by Mor as she argued with him and Feyre to not be stupid by coming here. 

Cassian wasn’t worried, as there had never been any tragedy for someone visiting the islands. Even if there was a curse, Cassian would settle down to stay here if Nesta asked him too. 

Stupid. Cassian’s logical voice chided him. He couldn’t let his emotions influence him right now. He was still angry with his family for their mistrust of Nesta, but he also needed to think as the General he was. Nesta had managed to get into Velaris without anyone knowing, at least twice. How many times had she gone there besides the two times they knew about? Cassian didn’t want to consider she had been so close without him knowing while he worried about her, but he knew now not to make assumptions. 

“Should we go into the trees and look for her?” Feyre asked as the beach remained empty. 

“No,” Rhys replied. “We shouldn’t risk an ambush hidden among the trees.” 

Feyre shot her Mate a dark look. “Nesta is not going to ambush us.”

Rhys and Feyre fell silent, speaking mind to mind. Knowing better than to get involved, Cassian turned to the trees again. 

Cold winds swept off the sea, making Cassian shiver. As he looked at the trees, his gaze snagged on a boulder about 60 yards away, just slightly beyond the tree line. There was nothing special about it, besides it’s massive size probably being a foot higher than Cassian’s height, and just as wide. But as he stared at it, Cassian suddenly felt a tug in his gut. 

“There.” He said, before moving toward it without waiting for a response. 

Cassian walked around it, examining the smooth surface for any signs. He met Azriel at the back, as he had gone around the other side. 

“Do you see something in this bolder we don’t, Cass?” Feyre asked as she and Rhy joined them. 

“I…” Cassian frowned. “No, I thought something was telling me this was it.”

“This was what?” Rhys asked. 

“A giant boulder of obsidian, of course.”

The voice that spoke those words did not belong to any of them. 

In an instant Rhys had thrown Feyre behind him, his dark power surrounding them. Cassian and Azriel both drew their swords and siphoned up shields around them, jumping back. 

However, they all froze upon seeing the figure now perched atop the rock.

Emerie sat there cross legged, an amused look on her face as she looked down on them. 

“It really is just a rock,” Emerie said as she hopped down to stand in front of them.

Emerie turned to Rhys and Feyre to bow. “Good to see you again my Lord and Lady.” She straightened to look at Cassian and Azriel, smiling. “You two as well.” 

Cassian thought back to the last time he had seen Emerie. After Nesta had disappeared, Cassian had stopped training the priestesses and Emerie. Had stopped doing a lot of things. His last conversation with Emerie had been a couple days after Nesta had gone, when it had become clear to him that neither Emerie or Gwyn had any idea how or where Nesta went. 

Azriel had tried to continue to train them all for a while, but between looking for Nesta, Feyre’s pregnancy, the threat of the human queens, Koschei, and the talks with Vallahan, Cassian later learned training had been put on hold. That was another thing for Cassian to feel guilty about after they were also gone. 

“Emerie,” Rhys said, looking her up and down. She wore leathers like the ones Feyre had described Nesta wearing, her wavy hair braided with feathers down her back. And the missing sword was hanging from her belt. “What are you doing here?”

She opened her mouth to respond, but before she could Cassian felt the world shift. Every molecule of his being was suddenly pulled to the right as time seemed to slow down and he turned. 

“She is helping me show you all what I told Feyre was the truth.”

Nesta said this from 10 feet away, standing between two trees where she had certainly not been a moment before. She looked as Feyre had described. Wearing well worn fighting leathers, molded to show off the sleek muscles of her arms, stomach, and thighs. Her golden streaked hair shone in the sunlight, with a silver feather braided into it. Her smooth skin now had a warm tan, making her glow. Cassian had never been able to take his eyes off her, but now there was no denying how devastatingly beautiful she was.

She stood straight, her arms crossed with the Great Sword at her belt. Her stormy grey eyes were bright like a thunderstorm as dusk as she surveyed them all. Except for Cassian. She seemed to be dutifully ignoring his stare. 

“The reason I asked you all here is because this is the meeting point of those within the Night Court who are working with the Rising to steal the Night Court's power.” 

“Hello Nesta,” Rhys said, his voice cold. “It’s been a while.”

Nesta took in Rhys with an equal level of disdain as he gave her. After a moment she simply said “Yes,” before turning to Azriel and continuing.

“The fact that your shadows have not picked up this group's activities tells me that they are probably already well established in Prythian.”

“Nesta,” Feyre said, stepping forward. “If you want us to believe you, why not start with how you left eight years ago and what you have been doing since them.”

Nesta sighed. “I ended up on the continent and met some people who… helped me. They also were interested in helping the priestess. Something I understand you lost interest in once I was gone.” Nesta still didn’t look at Cassian but he felt as if she punched him in the gut. “The group consists primarily of lesser Fae who want to upset the hierarchy of power between them and High Fae. Actually they really just want to flip it, and subject the High Fae to the same treatment they revived. They call themselves The Rising,” Nesta rolled her eyes. “So to answer your inevitable question as to how we know this, the former priestesses have been tracking this group's movement on the continent. We intercepted one of their correspondences to a contact here.” 

“How do you know they have a source within the Illyrians?” Azreil asked, the only one of them not completely taken aback by Nesta’s explanation.

Nesta nodded to Emerie, who removed a parchment from her pocket. “This is the last message we intercepted,” She explained as she handed it over to Azreil. 

Az brow furrowed slightly as he read the paper before handing it to Rhys.

“What is it?” Cassian asked as Rhys got the same look.

“The top part is Illyrian but the bottom part is in a language I don’t recognize,” Rhys explained as Cassian took a look for himself.

The part in Illyrian read: PEAK SUNRISE DROUGHT CEILING

“What is that supposed to mean?” Feyre asked after they translated the Illyrian for her. 

“We aren’t sure either,” Nesta said. “We think it refers to another meeting place. And we were hoping one of you knew what the other language was.”

“Amren might know,” Azreil said.

Nesta stiffened at the female's name. “That would be helpful,” She said. 

Cassian blinked in surprise. Nesta wasn’t one to appreciate someone else helping, especially Amren. 

“And how exactly does the Rising think they can steal Prythian’s High Lords’ powers?” Rhys asked. 

“Like I told Feyre before, by finding the physical manifestation of it in Prythian.” Nesta leveled Rhys a glare. “If you know, you might want to check it, and the Illyarians. And look out for Riding members infiltrating  the courts.”

Rhys examined Neata with the High Lord stare that regularly brought Fae to their knees. “And what will you be doing, Nesta?”

Nesta held her chin high, weathering the power rolling of Rhys. “My friends and I will be handling them on the Continent.” 

Cassian couldn’t take it anymore. “Oh, that’s all?” He growled.

Nesta finally looked to Cassian, her face impassive. That look made his blood boil, in conjunction with how it felt like she was ripping out his heart. 

“We have been trying to stop this group from spreading on the Continent for years now. I have no interest in seeing Prythian become subject to their misguided revolution.”

“You sure you and your friends can handle it?” Cassian spit out. “Sounds like you have been failing for years.”

Out of the corner of his eye Cassian sensed Emerie step back. Silver flames danced in Nesta’s eyes. 

“We’ve done a lot in the past eight years.” She said in a deadly quiet. “I’ve done a lot of things. I’m doing this to save the lives of innocents. I’m not interested in another war or anything else.”

Cassian fell silent. 

In all the times he had imagined seeing her again, it wasn’t like this. He knew she was the queen of pushing people away, but even at her worst he knew what to expect from her. He could take her yelling and cursing at him. He hadn’t really believed Feyre before about Nesta looking good. Hadn’t truly believed she could be happy without him when not a day had gone by where he hadn’t missed her. But Cassian didn’t know how to handle her standing tall, strong, confident, and beautiful, telling him what to do. All without him. 

Probably sensing Cassian’s coming breakdown, Feyre stepped forward. 

“I’m sorry Nesta, I’m still very confused. How did you get into Velaris, and who are your friends besides the priestesses?”

“You are the one who wanted me to master my powers Feyre. I did.” 

Feyre blinked. “Okay but who—“

Feyre was cut off by an ash arrow flying out of the trees to lodge in the middle of her chest. 

•••••

Tag list

Thanks for being here :)

@bluassassin @my-fan-side @nehemikkele @vidalinav @dread3r @vasudharaghavan @laylaameer01 @little-shipper55 @aelinchocolatelover @mis-lil-red @missing-merlin @frosted-crackers @swankii-art-teacher @nessiantrashh @camnesta @purpleglitterypinecone @sayosdreams @notjustaverb @madie-max @haepaw @nyelareyelle @audreycressworth @ghostlyrose2​ 

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[readiajin]

To Love Herself - Chapter 2: Wherever

Synopsis: Following ACOSF until Nesta’s confrontation with Amren. Rather than going to hike and soul search with Cassian in the wild, Nesta uses her powers to disappear.

In celebration of being done with my finals I finally finished chapter 2! I found writing the inner circle hard because I wanted to be consistent with the books but also got frustrated at them... Enjoy!

Prologue: Disappear

Chapter 1: Appear

Chapter 2: Wherever

Cassian - After Appear

“Don’t finish all the wine before Feyre gets here.” Cassian met Mor’s gaze over the top of his wineglass, her own hovering just about her lips, curved in a teasing smile.

“You’re one to talk,” he shot back.

“It’s not my fault Feyre’s late.”

“You both have a problem.” Cassian looked at Amren, who was practically in Varian’s lap next to Mor on the couch. 

“Where is Feyre anyways?” Elain asked from her seat next to Cassian. That was addressed to Rhys, who was walking into the sitting room from checking on Nyx. 

Rhys took a seat in one of the two open arm chairs in front of the fire. “She said she lost track of time in the studio. Is on her way back now.” 

“What is she doing? Walking?” Mor asked. 

“Yes, said she wanted to enjoy the night.” Rhys said this casually, but Cassian knew his brother well. He could tell Rhys was bothered by Feyre’s absence. They hadn’t had a planned dinner tonight, their family convening spontaneously as Cassian and Mor reported in on court business to Rhys and Amren. Azriel had been here after training Nyx earlier. Varian was the only one besides Feyre told to come over. 

Dinner had been casual and quick as Nyx had been full of energy before Rhys got him down. Nyx had asked for his mother, and Cassian didn’t think she had ever unexpectedly missed his bedtime, especially just to paint. Rhys seemed to be thinking the same thing. Cassian knew his brother probably wanted to go get Feyre himself, but she had most likely told him no. Rhys understood how important it was to respect Feyre’s independence.

Still, Rhys accepted the glass of whiskey Azriel placed in his hand before returning to his chosen spot leaning against the sideboard. 

Rhys was about to take a sip when his head snapped to the doorway. 

Feyre stood there. 

Cassian could immediately tell something was wrong. She didn’t say anything, barely glanced at any of them as she made her way to take the last open seat in front of the fire. Rhys stood, but Feyre only reached out to take his glass of whiskey before sitting, and downing the glass. 

“Feyre, what’s wrong?” Rhys asked this with a deadly calm Cassian knew was to cover his panic and rage at whatever had happened. The fact that he asked it out loud meant she must not be responding through their bound, something not lost on anyone else in the room. 

Feyre finished the glass and closed her eyes, letting out a sign.

“What happened girl?” Amren asked somewhat tentatively. Tentatively for Amren, which was even more alarming. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” It was true, Feyre was deathly pale and her hands shook slightly. 

Feyre let out a shaky laugh. “I have.” 

No one spoke, the crackling fire the only sound. 

Feyre’s eyes fluttered open, going straight to Cassian. In that split second before she spoke, Cassian already knew what she was going to say. 

“I saw Nesta.” 

Time stood still as a million different things flashed through Cassian’s mind. He saw her, Neata, the last day he had seen her eight years ago. Her face flushed with anger, then frozen, her eyes empty. He saw her burn herself up in silver flames, then gone. 

He also saw the memories of her he clung too. Training with that determined look in her eyes. The I will slay my enemies look. A ghost of a smile on her lips as she talked with Emerie and Gwyn, or even with him, even when she fought it. He saw her naked, breathing heavily beneath him while looking at him with a feeling in her eyes he had thought he knew but was too scared to voice. A feeling he now understood had just been wishful thinking on his part. 

“What do you mean you saw Nesta?” Rhys’ deadly voice brought Cassian back, his eyes still locked with Feyre’s. At the threat of violence in Rhys’ tone however, Cassian found his gaze drifting to Rhys, who still stood next to Feyre, and a rising tide of his own anger with it. 

“She showed up at my studio as I was leaving.”

Cassian found his voice to ask, “And where is she now?” Save for Rhys, who was focused on Feyre, Cassian sensed everyone else watching him. 

“She left again. She was only there for a few minutes.” 

“What did she say?” asked Amren

“She said…” Fryre stumbled over her words as she stared towards the back of the room, as if she could see Nesta standing there now. “She looked great.”

Cassian frowned. He had pictured Nesta as she had been at her lowest. In the old apartment, drunk, and reeking of sex. These past eight years had also been ample time for him to imagine her lost, starving, bleeding out. He had pictured her in the same pain he had been since she had left. He didn’t understand what Feyre meant by ‘great’. “What do you mean?” 

“She looked healthy. She had the Great Sword with her.” 

“Of course she did,” Mor scoffed. “Did she have the other weapons with her? Did you ask?”

“No, but she told me… some things.” 

“What things?” Amren demanded. 

“She said we needed to look for dissent among the Illyarians, that some were conspiring with… someone on the continent.” 

Cassian exchanged a glance with Azriel. “Feyre, can you start at the beginning, what happened.” Az said this as he switched Feyre’s empty glass for one with wine.

They waited as she took a sip before explaining how Nesta had appeared behind her, and what she had told Feyre about a group on the continent looking for Prynthia’s power. 

It was Mor who broke the silence that followed. “Well that sounds like a load of shit if I have ever heard it. Seriously, she expects us to believe that? If there is a threat to Prynthia, it’s her. Did you ask her about the kidnapped priestesses?”

“No, I didn’t think of it. But she wants to meet in two days.”

“Absolutely not,” Rhys finally cut in. “I’m not having my mate go anywhere near her.” 

Feyre set down her wine glass to glare at her mate. “She’s my sister, of course I’m going.”

“A sister who lied, left, and stole from you,” Amren scoffed. “Nesta didn’t deserve you before, girl, nor does she now.” 

Cassian’s head and heart were pounding. Part of him wanted to rip into Rhys, Amren, and Mor for what they said, but he was feeling too much. He should say something, but they all knew how he felt already anyways. They had seen him in the weeks and months after she disappeared after all. 

Azriel, thankfully, spoke up. “We should meet her. If not to hear what she has to say but then at least to check out her magic. My shadows have never been able to track her. She seems to have mastered her powers if she was able to get into the city and sneak up on Feyre.” 

 “She also could have help,” Varian added. “Getting into the city itself is a feat, but she was able to get those weapons and priestesses out seven years ago, right?” 

“I agree Nesta is a problem to be dealt with, but that should be done without meeting in a situation she controls.” Rhys said. 

“What do you mean ‘dealt with’?” Cassian asked with a deadly calm.

Rhys turned to Cassian, his face cold. 

“I told you before her power is death. I will not tolerate any threat to the Night Court.”

“Nesta’s a threat to the Night Court? Or do you just think she is a threat to you?” Cassian growled. Cassian would never forget Rhy’s threat to kill Nesta after she had told Feyre about the risk of the baby. Despite his later apology, Cassian knew Rhys had meant it at the time. 

Rhys’ violet eyes flared and the air became charged with his powers. Cassian’s siphons flared in response. 

“Enough!” Feyre jumped up and stepped in between them before they both did something they would regret. In over the 500 years Cassian had known Rhys, the only things that had ever caused them to threaten real violence towards each other were Feyre and Nesta. 

Feyre whirled on Rhys. “I am in no mood for your overprotective male bullshit. Nesta is my sister and I am High Lady. I will meet her if I wish.”

Rhys settled back a bit, but his voice was still hard as he replied to his mate, “You are also a mother. What about Nyx.”

“Don’t use our son as a reason I can’t do something. Besides, Nesta is not a threat.”

Once again, a tense silence filled the room. Cassian couldn’t remember the last time he had seen Rhys and Feyre fight like this, if ever. Usually they kept their disagreements silent and between them. 

“What do you think Elain?” Azriel asked, breaking the tension even if it required him addressing Elain. They had enough tension between them without getting involved in other’s. Still, Rhys and Feyre both took a step back from each other and turned their attention to Elain next to Cassian. 

Elain, who had been sitting so silent throughout the debate that Cassian had forgotten she was there, stood. “I think Nesta has always made the wrong choices. But she wouldn’t have come back or asked to meet without a reason. You should at least go meet her.” 

“You?” Feyre asked, frowning. “You don’t want to see her?”

“No, I don’t.” Elain said this with a confidence Cassian rarely heard from her. “Hear her out, but I agree with Mor. She can’t be trusted. I’m going to bed, let me know what you decide in the morning.” With that, Elain left the room. 

Cassian attempted to keep his voice neutral as he said, “So we will meet her in two days where she said.”

“It seems so.” was all Rhys said.

Cassian knew he wouldn’t be able to keep it together for much longer so he downed the last of his wine and walked to the doors leading outside. No one tried to stop him. 

Out on the patio he breathed in the cool air in an attempt to calm his pounding blood. He flared his wings with the intention of flying to cliffs on the coast to scream out everything he was feeling, when the door opened behind him. 

Feyre stood there, her eyes, Nesta’s eyes, sad.

“I’m sorry Cassian.”

“What do you have to be sorry for?”

“I’m sorry for everything,” Feyre ran a hand over her face. “I’m sorry for her leaving, I’m sorry for how she behaved before that, and for how I behaved towards her. I’m sorry she came to me and not you.”

Cassian’s chest tightened. He didn’t want to feel this way, but envy wasn’t rational, and he couldn’t stop the pain at the thought that Nesta went to Feyre but not him.

“She’s your sister, of course she went to you.”

Feyre gave him a sad smile and leaned against the railing, looking up at the stars. “She did ask about you.”

Cassian’s voice was breathy as he said, “Really?”

“Yes.”

They both continued to examine the stars before Cassian asked what had been nagging him the most. “What did you mean by she looked great and healthy?”

“She was tanned and looked to have a good amount of weight from what I could see. I think she was in fighting leather’s, but not Illyarian ones.”

“But she didn’t give any clue as to where she has been the past eight years?”

Feyre shook her head. “Said it was a long story.”

“I’m sure,” Cassian scoffed, the back of his mouth bitter.

“We will find out in two days.”

Cassian nodded, but didn’t say anything more as he spread his wings and launched into the night. 

•••••

Nesta - After Disappear 

The first thing Nesta became aware of was the sound of wind rustling thousands of tree needles somewhere above her. 

Nesta took a deep breath of the earthy, spiced tinged air as her eyes fluttered open. The world was a mix of red and green, but far above where she lay, Nesta could make out bits of blue sky and white clouds through the forest canopy. 

Gods, her head pounded. But not like it did after she drank. No, the last time Nesta had felt like this was after the battle with Hyburn. Memories flashed in Nesta’s mind as she recalled what happened. Cassian asking her for sword names, to the rage she had felt at them all, herself, and then the tears she caused Feyre to spill.

And the magic. Nesta had not just let her powers slip, she had used them, allowed them to take her. To here. Wherever this was. 

Nesta’s fists closed around handfuls of soft wood and dirt. Slowly, she pushed herself up to take in her surroundings, and her breath caught. She was surrounded by the most enormous trees she had ever seen. Their orange-red trunks were thicker than her family’s old cottage, with the lowest branches several stories above her head. 

Nesta had never felt so small. So insignificant. 

She had done it. She had left Velaris and her sisters. And Cassian. She had left Gwyn and Emerie with no explanation. Guilt settled in her as Nesta remembered their concern after she had argued with Cassian earlier that day. Oh gods, what day was it?

Nesta pushed to her feet only to almost collapse immediately, her head spinning. She had no way of knowing how long it had been since she had left. Her mouth felt like sandpaper and her stomach ached painfully.

The forest around her was unsettlingly peaceful. Wind high about shifted the needles and branches, but the world at the ground where Nesta stood almost seemed frozen in time. By the sun’s soft light, she figured it was mid morning. She saw no animals, or much vegetation besides small bushes and ferns scattered about the bases of the trees. 

It would be a fine place to lay down and die. Of all the places Nesta had ever been, this forest was one the nicer places. Better than her run down apartment, or Feyre’s ornate palace on the river. Definitely better than the townhouse and it’s claustrophobic walls.

Nesta felt a pang in her chest as she thought of the House. It may be ridiculous but the House was her friend, and the first home she had felt comfortable in. Even if it hadn’t been her choice. 

Now it was all gone. Everything she knew was gone. He was- no. This had been her choice. 

The thought spurred Nesta to move. She picked a random direction and started walking. She needed water. And food. And shelter.  

Despite everything her family had been through, Nesta realized, she had never truly been without. Even in the grips of poverty they had a house, no matter how small and rundown. And Feyre had always been responsible for food. A familiar heavy wave came over Nesta. None of that mattered anymore. She wouldn’t be a problem for them anymore. 

There was too much to take in as Nesta made her way through the huge forest. She felt like an ant crawling on twigs as she made her way around and over fallen branches. The red trees were soft, with many branches and old trunks shattered across the ground. 

It was hard navigating, as the trees made it hard to see more than a few meters. 

A small stream came into sight and Nesta had to restrain herself from jumping into it. Swallowing her dry mouth took a lot of effort now. Walking to a mini waterfall where the water ran clear, Nesta collapsed to her knees beside it. She cupped her hands and drank, not caring about the water she dribbled down the front of her training leathers. 

The water was rejuvenating. After thoroughly quenching her thirst, Nesta splashed water on her face.

Refreshed, Nesta sat back and closed her eyes, taking a breath. The water helped, but Nesta knew she needed food. And shelter, and a plan. Because she had no idea what she was doing. 

Nesta tried to clamp down on her rising panic. She would get her wish and she would die here in this strange forest because she was so unskilled she lacked the basic abilities required to survive and feed herself. For all her training with Cassian, he had never taught her to be self reliant. She hadn’t even trained with a real sword.

Nesta felt a sob build in her throat and tears threaten to spill despite holding her eyes shut. It was only shock that stopped Nesta’s breakdown. Shock when a voice said from behind her:

“Who the hell are you?” 

•••••

Thanks for being here :)

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[readiajin]

To Love Herself - Chapter 1: Appear

Synopsis: Following ACOSF until Nesta’s confrontation with Amren. Rather than going to hike and soul search with Cassian in the wild, Nesta uses her powers to disappear.

Hey! So I am going to write this fic. I have never posted anything I have written before so please let me know what you think or if you have any advice. Also let me know if you want to be tagged.

Prologue: Disappear

Chapter 1: Appear

Do you plan on coming home soon Feyre darling? 

Feyre sent a huff of a laugh back at Rhys. Why? Does somebody miss me? 

Two somebodies actually, Rhys replied. Nyx wants to show you how he has improved his flying with Uncle Azriel today. 

Feyre smiled at the image of her son jumping off couches to fly around the room played in her mind. She currently sat in her studio, working on a painting of Nyx flying with his father. She planned on saving it for his eighth birthday present in a couple months.

Feyre glanced out the window, where the streets were only illuminated by starlight on the moonless night. She hadn’t realized how late it had become.

I’ll be home soon, I just have to clean up. 

Don’t keep me waiting too long, Rhys rumbled back. A shiver went down Feyre’s spine as she cut off the connection with her mate to concentrate on cleaning. 

She walked around the room, turning off most of the lights before going to the back to wash her brushes and pallet. As she stood at the sink, she suddenly felt a cold breeze at the back of her neck. 

Feyre froze. She raised her head to look at the paint-splattered mirror above the sinks. Through the smudged glass, she could see a dark cloaked figure standing behind her. 

Slowly, Feyre turned. “Who are you?” She demanded. “It’s not wise to sneak up on a High Lady.”

The figure stood perfectly still. As they stared at each other the temperature in the room seemed to drop. Finally, the figure tilted their head to the side slightly. “Well? What do you want?” 

An indignant huff came from beneath the cloak before reaching up to pull back the hood. 

Feyre’s mind went blank as she took in her sister, whom she hadn’t seen or heard from in over 8 years. 

“Hello Feyre.” That was all Nesta said. 

Feyre stared at her older sister. Not a day had gone by since that terrible day in Amren’s apartment that Feyre hadn’t thought of Nesta. Not a day she hadn’t wondered, worried. They had searched for her. Had even reached out to the other courts when they became desperate for answers. But there had been no trace of her since Cassian had seen her consumed by silver flames. 

Now standing before her, the first thing Feyre noticed was how healthy she looked. Nesta had slowly begun to look better after living in the House and training with Cassian for a few weeks. She had been gaining a little weight and some color back then. 

But stepping into the light cast from lanterns on the back counter, Nesta seemed to glow with health. Her hair was braided in its classic crown, but her face was full and tanned from being in the sun. Her eyes still held the same stormy intensity they always had, but the haunted look she had had was now replaced with a silver gleam. 

Although most of her body was covered in a dark cloak, Feyre could see she was wearing fighting leathers— not Illyarian leathers. And peaking out over her right shoulder was the pommel of a great sword. The Great Sword, the one she had accidentally Made. The sword that, along with the two other Made weapons, had been stolen from where they had been locked in the river house. The same night several priestesses disappeared from the Library as well.

That had been nearly a year after Nesta. They had all suspected Neata, as later it was found that the last time Emerie had been seen in Windhaven was that day. But they had never been sure. All that was left of the priestesses was a note to Clotho not to worry, that they had left by choice. 

“Nyx is growing up fast."

Nesta was still staring back at Feyre, but as she continued to blink at Nesta, Nesta nodded towards the painting on the easel. Her face was impassive as she said “He looks like he is a handful.” 

Nesta’s words caused Feyre to snap her mouth shut, which had been hanging open. “What? Nesta… where…how...why...” Silence filled the room as Feyre trailed off. Nesta continued to stand with that preternatural Fae stillness, but she seemed to be considering Feyre now. 

“I came here with a warning for you and your court”, Nesta finally said. 

Again, Feyre felt her mouth fall open as she stammered “Excuse me?”

Nesta let out a bored sigh as she moved to the cart next to Feyre’s easel and picked up a paintbrush to examine.

“I am sure you have many questions, but I only came here because there are some things you as the High Lady of the Night Court should know. There is a movement growing on the continent threatening Prynthia. I don’t believe the ruling powers of Montesere and Vallahan are involved, especially with the peace treaties you have established with them, but there may be some within those territories that support it. The majority of this group has been operating in the Wild Lands of the Faerie Realms on the continent. What I do know is that those involved with this movement believe there is a way to steal the power of Prynthia’s courts. They say the ruling High Fae power’s here come from a physical source in this land, and if found, they can take it for themselves.” Nesta twirled the paintbrush in her hand as she turned to face Feyre again. “This group has been trying to subtly infiltrate Prynthia’s courts, and we believe they have gained a source within the the Illyarians.” Nesta said all this deadpanned, returning to staring at Feyre with a blank face as she finished speaking. 

Feyre’s anger came hot and fast. “Are you kidding me Nesta? What are in the Cauldron are you talking about!” 

Nesta simply raised an eyebrow at Feyre’s outburst. “Which part of what I said was unclear? You and your court need to look into dissent among the Illyarians.” 

Feyre let out a disbelieving laugh, “It’s been 8 years, Nesta!” 

“Yes.”

“Eight years since you disappeared without a trace and now you come back and the first thing you tell me is this? With no explanation as to where you have been? What you have been doing? Seriously? That’s all you have to say after you ran away, never contacted your family, but apparently returned to steal weapons?” Feyre gestured to the sword on Nesta’s back. 

Nesta examined the paintbrush in her hand, but said cooly “Since I created the weapons, it wasn’t stealing.” She looked up to Feyre, eyes chips of ice. “The what and where I have been are a long story. I only came to warn you.”

Silence once again filled the dim room.

“Why should I believe you?” Feyre asked, defeated. 

It was Nesta’s turn to ask “What?”

“Why should I believe you,” Feyre repeated, “when you have done nothing to show that I can trust you?” 

Nesta’s infuriating nonchalantness finally slipped a little, and Feyre felt a flash of anger. However, her voice was calm as she responded. “For all our history Feyre, did I ever lie to you, or do anything to make you think I wished harm on you?”

Feyre opened her mouth to respond “no”, but stopped herself. Looking at the Nesta before her, she didn’t know who this person was. 

After a moment she said, “I don’t know.” 

It was quick, but Feyre saw something flash in Nesta’s stormy eyes before her face was once again a mask of cool indifference. 

“Okay then.” Nesta turned to return the paintbrush she still held to its proper place. “As I am sure the rest of your court will also need convincing, I can show you proof if you can meet me on the Obsidian Isles in the East Sea of the Night Court in two days. Noon, on the Northernmost island. 

Feyre was really tired of saying this, but “What?”

Nesta let out an annoyed sigh as she clasped her hands together in front of her and said plainly “Bring your mate and court and meet me in two days to prove to you all I told you was the truth. Is that acceptable to you?” 

Feyre nodded. 

“Good. See you in two days.” With that, Nesta turned on her heels and stalked to the door.

Yet Nesta paused with her hand on the doorknob. For the first time since being in the room, Nesta seemed to waiver. She didn’t move, staring straight at the door. 

“How is he?” She finally asked. It was barely audible, barely more than a whisper as if she was afraid to say it too loud. But it was the one thing Feyre didn’t need to ask what she meant. 

“He searched for you,” There was too much, and not enough to be said.

Nesta turned her head, hand still on the knob, not to look back at Feyre but to stare at the wall to her left. 

“He will come with you to the island.” Feyre couldn’t tell if that was a question or order. 

Either way, Feyre said “Yes.” Even though she didn’t know if he actually would. Feyre didn’t know how he would react to any of this. 

Nesta stood still for a second, before nodding and pushing open the door. She didn’t say another word as she pulled up her hood, stepped out, and vanished into the night. 

Feyre didn’t know how long she stood there, staring out the open door into the dark. It was only when she felt an invisible weight lift off her shoulders, that she realized that the entire time she had been talking to Nesta, she hadn’t been able to feel her bond with Rhys. 

(4/26/2021)

•••••

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@bluassassin