Read Me Drowning

Read Me. Watch Me Drown In My Own Thoughts.

[readmedrown]

Today I sat in the sun after a long time

I was looking at my body, my legs

Then I noticed the scars on my legs

Scars I created out of self hate

Scars I created out of hate for my reality

Out of spit for the life I had

But now I’m different

I’m grateful

For the body I am in

For the life god has given me

I think these scars are a reminder to be gentle to myself

That I am still growing

I can’t be perfect

These scars are a reminder

It gets better

[readmedrown]

Today I sat in the sun after a long time

I was looking at my body, my legs

Then I noticed the scars on my legs

Scars I created out of self hate

Scars I created out of hate for my reality

Out of spit for the life I had

But now I’m different

I’m grateful

For the body I am in

For the life god has given me

I think these scars are a reminder to be gentle to myself

That I am still growing

I can’t be perfect

These scars are a reminder

It gets better

[readmedrown]

Things I google

Why am I not enough?

Was my assault my fault?

How not to be assaulted?

How to die without pain?

How to love myself?

Am I okay?

Can someone help me?

Why am I broken?

How do I show the real me?

How to not cut?

How to not cause parents pain?

How to tell someone you need help?

How to die quickly?

[readmedrown]

Tw (Assault)

I hate how anytime a man gets angry at me my first reaction is I am not enough.

I hate everytime I get in a fight I say sorry first.

I hate how I can’t stand airports.

I hate how I don’t like the blue light in my bed room anymore.

I hate how I can’t really completely lay on my back when I sleep.

I hate how sex isn’t fun for me anymore.

I hate how I hate my body.

I hate how I am now.

I hate you.

[readmedrown]

I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself.I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself.I want to die. I hate myself.I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself.I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate myself. I want to die. I just want to die. 

[readmedrown]

I love you but you will never love me back.

And that breaks me apart

[readmedrown]

Empty space

Deleting your texts is an act of misery for me, I always find myself re-reading the good times. It all comes back, memories of you like a tsunami flooding my brain as I plead these memories to be erased forever.

A part of me wants to relive these memories forever

Your love built a home in my heart, step by step, gradually becoming mansion. I still see the construction equipment laying outside. Now it’s not a home anymore it’s a house, a loveless empty house. There is no light or water but there is mold in the corners and it’s turning into a haunted house kids avoid especially on Halloween nights.

I want to break this house down to it’s roots, but I can’t, not without breaking myself too. So I let it be waiting for someone to change it, add new room or change the colours or just something. This house still smells like you and the truth is I like it smelling like you, reminding me of you, of us?

Truth is I’m missing you more than ever but you made me miserable.

I rather miss you than hate myself again.

[readmedrown]

All the boys in my life (because calling you men wouldn’t make sense)

1

First love

Bittersweet memories to my parents meeting you to us travelling together to you making me cry over small things to you telling me I wasn’t good enough to you not realising you hurt me. I’ve always been your number one fan and a part of me thinks I always will be but one thing I learned is you can’t undo love. Once you truly love someone a part of you is always rooting for them, always hoping the best for them. The worst best part is memories of you still play in my head, it hurts but it’s okay? I’ve grown and become a new person and a part of me still hopes the best for you but I hope you know the best that I hope for you is away from me.

Ex- best friend

You taught me value of my life. Our talk started with you just checking up on me randomly when we had never ever talked earlier. You saved me from myself cause I was hurting from the pain within. I think I’ve made a mistake by saying ex- best friend because we still talk you still check on me and save me. I know we don’t talk that much but that was gonna happen even you knew this. You hurt me when you fought with me when your girlfriend hating me was okay for you. It hurt when you chose your 2 month girlfriend over our plans from middle school but that helped me grow. I’ve grown because of you and it has helped me a lot to be the person I am today. I think without you I wouldn’t be here.

Second try at love

You I never loved but there are memories of you, they aren’t pleasant but they exist. Not driving me in the rain or not caring about me. You I write things about because you effected me the most, not a good effect. You hurt me mentally, it has stayed with me. I don’t feel things like love because of you or realise a person really cares about me or I keep forgetting my value once a while. I just want you to know I love myself no matter what you said. I made myself throw up because I thought I wasn’t good enough. I still do but somehow a part of me knows I am.

The long distance

I don’t know how this happened. You teaching me maths to things that happened on FaceTime that should remain unsaid. You made me feel like I was the prettiest girl out there, that I was your everything and maybe I was everything you needed. Even after you cheated I stayed for your moms sake, you took your anger out on me and I was fine with that. No. No, I wasn’t fine I spent a whole month crying over you over you saying things to me after I opened up to you. I miss ruining my sleep schedule with you staying up all night taking about what could be and how our lives don’t make any sense without each other, how it’s like we are soulmates. You taught me all good things come to an end. It’s fine, I’m fine.

[readmedrown]

I need it

I don’t know what, I guess it’s your empty promises or the web of lies you have spun for me. In a fucked up way I can’t even tell the difference between the real you and the person my mind had created you to be. All I’ve come to realise is when I lay in bed at 12 am after all the days burden I want to collapse in your arms and not this empty mess of a bed. I want your warmth wrapping me taking me into an euphoric world where I live with 0 presence of guilt.

But

Moments like these my brains plays nights with you where 14 year old me was pushed down, told you should leave her if she didn’t do certain things.

The worst part is this has stayed with the 18 year old me. I hate being touched by people, specially boys. I live in the constant fear of something, I don’t know what I fear but it’s something. I don’t like getting close to people because of I know they can shatter me with a lot of things. I don’t get intimate with anyone I date because I think all boys are the same, even when I try my body does this jolt of undo where I freeze.

I don’t like to share this part of me with people it makes me look weak. It makes me look stupid when I beg to this god for you while crying my heart out or when I just keep playing your perfect image in my brain. I think it’s toxic dependency - I’m so used to your toxic that I don’t know what fresh air smells like and why it’s good for me.

[readmedrown]

I think I wanna die

it sucks being alive. I’m never the girl who gets the boy or the skinny beautiful girl who is somehow perfect in every day.

breathing feels like work as though I'm pushing myself to be alive it work that does need to be done

dying will be easier I will cause fewer problems my parents will not have to worry about my UNI fees, my sister can finally take over my room, my mom won't have to think about the expenses of having me, my dad will not have to be stressed about my Universities and my friends can finally find better people. ending life is taking away all the pain and making everyone feel like a burden has gone away then why does this hurt. Is it the pain before? the other thought. the what ifs?

I just want this pain to stop and no one around me can see

[readmedrown]

Your reality

walking down the street the sun shining brightly over your head. The sunflowers are dancing to the sound of the hums of the bees, which collect nectar for their hives that hang from the roof of the tall building on the right of you. Your white shorts have dust on them as you skip hand in hand with your boyfriend, the man you think you have loved all your life. but you are only 14 and this is the time of your life. it is said that love is a metaphor but with his hand in your like two pieces of a puzzle, made for each other, this is the most real thing in your life. but you see Love is a game at which one always cheats.

the sunshine turns to dull clouds with rain frowning down on you, the sunflowers die due to no water as their stems suck for any hope of life. The bees turn into wasps as they hover around you with their needles out. The tall building starts to collapsing on you in slow motion to make you suffer more. You lay in your bed, replaying the memories that have been printed in your mind. You are 16 and there is nothing around you that you believe to be true. your reality shattered a long time ago

[readmedrown]

Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water.

Christopher Morley, May 5,1890 - March 28,1957

[readmedrown]

First (i miss the comfort of being sad)

Sometimes i miss the comfort of being sad

I’m not sure if it was sadness; it felt more like emotional numbness

The state of feeling everything & nothing at once. The state of feeling tired, stupid & lost losing all hope because i don't even know what hope feels like anymore.

All of a sudden i feel too tired.

too tired to go out

too tired to work 

too tired to function

Yet i simple every day, loudest out of my friends, the humor of the group & most pro-active. they don't see what i do, they don't see the difference between the 3 pm and 3 am me. People ask me what’s wrong, so many answers linger in the back of my mind but all that makes out is ‘fine’. 

These nights i wish i could go back in life not to change anything just to feel some shit twice...

JUST feel something because i miss the feeling of being sad