Break ups are hard. I'm talking stick-your-head-in-the-sand-like-one-of-those-weird-birds until it's all better hard. My last break up was a real doozy because I was the one who initiated it. Feeling anxious about the future, I suggested a âbreakâ with my then-boyfriend, which looking back now I realize was just a way of saying "I'm too much of a coward to deal with this right now." The âbreakâ didn't make it feel real. I was free to flirt with other people but I still had my person that I still loved to come back to. It was gross. Selfishly, I expected my ex to fight for me. Why did I want someone to fight for something that I already knew would never work? Because people like to be fought for. I had this romantic idea that every problem in our relationship would be solved if he just fought for me. We tried to get back together and when it didn't work, mutually parted ways. I felt fine. I had a few rebounds with cute boys. Then the rebounds with cute boys ended and the pain set in of what had just happened. I no longer had my person.
I was alone. I had a real melt down and fled the scene. I booked a trip to New York City to visit my BFF who was studying at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts at the time. The only problem being that I was too hasty and booked my flight before I ran all the details by her. Here is a semi-accurate reenactment of the phone conversation.Â
"Hey Jess! I booked my flight!"Â
"These dates to these dates!" (I forget the exact dates)Â
"For a week in my tiny apartment? Also, I'm in rehearsal and shows all week so we can't really hang out.âÂ
I arrived in New York at JFK and took a cab to meet my best friend who lived in a little apartment near Grand Central Station. The kitchen was the size of a closet but her room had exposed brick and I remember thinking it was super cool. The details to follow may or may not be in chronological order because A) this was 6 years ago and B) I was often drunk because of my breakup woes. That night we went to a little Mexican restaurant and drank cheap margaritas and ate free salsa and chips. I was in New York City with my best friend and finally felt like everything might be ok. The next day, when she went to rehearsal, that all unraveled.Â
I was completely alone in one of the busiest cities in the world and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had 2 options. Stay in the small apartment and mope OR drag my ass outside and experience life.
During the day I distracted myself by walking around Times Square, Rockefeller Centre and Bryant Park. I was afraid of taking the Subway alone (I am horrible with directions and used to have an irrational fear of being underground in a metal tube with strangers) so I walked everywhere and stuck to landmarks. Say what you will about Times Square, but it has the best Forever 21 I've ever been to. Bryant Park became one of my favorite hangouts. There was a Crumbs bakery just across the street where I would get a cupcake the size of my head and sit in the park and people watch. One afternoon I decided to check out the Mid Manhattan Library. As I walked up the majestic steps, I saw a familiar face. It was Isaac Kessler, an improviser and sketch performer from Toronto. I didn't know Isaac very well but his jovial kid-like smile was a beacon of hope. He joined me at the library and we took dumb pictures of fancy books. I didn't know it before, but Isaac was the perfect person to peruse a library with.Â
That impromptu meeting turned my perspective around completely. When you're alone you open yourself to new possibilities and you don't have anyone holding you back.Â
I planned the rest of my alone activities with more confidence. I booked a ticket to see Gilbert Gottfried alone, went to the Comedy Cellar alone, dined alone, shopped alone, drank alone, explored alone, everything ALONE. The more I put myself out there, the more I started to attract good things. I remember arriving at Caroline's Comedy Club with a ticket for one. I wanted to sit closer to the middle of the stage but was told those seats were for parties of 2 or more. I sat on the furthest edge of the stage, alone. Gilbert was amazing. What was more amazing to me was that so many of his celebrity friends had come out to support him because they too were fans. John Stamos and Jeff Ross sat just a stones throw away from me and I was beaming. (Stamos looks great by the way. Yeah this was 6 years ago but he hasn't aged since Full House. I wish I would say the same for Jeff Ross. He looked like a boiled potato with eyes. Ok, I'm just being mean because I feel like you can only talk about Jeff Ross in roast form. Speaking about roasts, he should lay off the red meat. But seriously Jeff Ross, if you're reading this, I think you're a true talent.)Â
About half way through the show a waiter came over with a piece of cake. "Oh, I didn't order cake" I said, wishing I had ordered cake. He explained that it was on the house because the chef asked, "Why is that pretty girl sitting all alone?" Cake is delicious, but free pity cake is even better. I felt like I was floating! When the show ended I walked past the celebs and waved "Bye Jeff! Bye John!" like we were old pals. I strutted down the street with a new found confidence and one passerby yelled "Girl, you like Scarlett Johansson!" and I said "Thanks! Minus the big tits, right?" chuckling at my own lame joke.Â
A few nights later I went out to dinner in the East Village before doing an open mic and catching a late show at the Comedy Cellar. I sat outside on this tiny sidewalk patio and read a book called "The Female Brain" while I ate. In hindsight, maybe that wasn't the best book to read alone in public. I was amazed by how many people stopped to talk to me. Whether it was a couple who said, "you look very nice tonight", a woman who complimented me on the flower in my hair or a couple of people who straight up asked to join me - I just smiled and said thank you or no thank you. I was happy figuring out my brain all on my own (with the help of my book). Then it started to thunder storm. Sheets of rain fell from the sky and I was the last person left on the tiny patio, covered by an awning. Moments later a handsome couple with a baby carriage ran under the awning to seek shelter. They apologized for crowding me but I welcomed their company. We starting chatting and I immediately realized who it was. I didn't know his name at the time but it was none other than Clueless heartthrob, Elton. (What up, Jeremy Sisto?) The one Thai has a crush on? Part of me wanted to scream "ROLLIN' WITH THE HOMIES!" but instead I played it cool. We drank, chatted about love and life. His wife mentioned she was Canadian, I talked about pursuing a career of comedy and acting and then casually said "well, you're an actor, so you understand" as if we were peers or something. We sat for over an hour and had a beautiful conversation while their baby slept like a peaceful dove. The sky cleared just in time for my next show and I left feeling rejuvenated.Â
I don't remember the open mic so I'm assuming it was God awful, but the Comedy Cellar was magical. I sat with some lovely British girls who were super friendly and accepted me as one of their own. Itâs one of my favourite places on earth. The low ceilings, packed crowds, exposed brick and stellar comedians. I laughed my face off and dreamed of one day being on that stage. After the show I spoke to Dave Attell who was having a cigarette outside. (This story of meeting him would later turn into a rumor that I slept with him which is false and insane). I gushed about how great the show was and he thanked me for laughing. He thought the crowd was shit but appreciated that our table was into it. It was humbling to know that someone as established as Dave can still feel that way after killing it at The Cellar. I told him I was a comedian from Toronto to which he replied "Oh yeah? You perform at Just For Laughs?" "No" I said sheepishly. "I'm not that good yet." Dave, if you're reading this now, I HAVE PERFORMED AT JUST FOR LAUGHS! Aren't you proud of me?Â
In between gallivanting around town having impromptu conversations with strangers there were a lot of tears and "oh fuck I feel like I want to barf out my emotions" feelings. Because Jess didn't have an open schedule to hang out with me it made the time we did have together even more special. She was and continues to be one of my best friends who has been with me through everything. Sometimes we fight like sisters but it's because I love her like a sister.Â
I didn't book this trip as a way to "find myself". This wasn't my independent Beyonce world tour trip, but it just sort of happened that way. I spent a year being single and then met the beautiful creature I am with today. My five years with him have been some of the best of my life and now Iâm able to look back on those tough times fondly. I sometimes think about what would happen if I parted ways with my current significant other and the mere thought of it makes me cringe. Your partner becomes another part of you like some sort of phantom limb and although you managed quite well with the limbs you already possessed you fear what would happen if the new limb ever gets taken away. The fact is, we will all be OK after a break up. Eventually. Once the dust settles and pints of beer are consumed and refilled with tears we realize that we were whole all along.Â
I was consoling a friend about a recent break-up when we started talking about being ok with doing things alone, without your person. She was eating dinner alone and reading a book when a gentleman couldn't stop looking her way. Is there some kind of "on the market" essence that wafts from our skin post break up? I started telling her how I experienced a similar phenomenon when I went to New York. One story led to another and she asked, "why haven't you written about this?" So I did.
