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William Wray - Structured/Unstructured, 2024

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And then David began to try to do what he sometimes did, which was worse, which was to explain himself, to try to give word and form to what his days were. 'I was reading—'

Hanya Yanagihara, from To Paradise

Another thing that I have tried with regards to Death Anxiety: a therapist.

I’m not certain this is working or not, although I currently get the feeling that it is not. It’s not the issue of meeting virtually, so much as I believe my therapist is not trained for this in particular, and is rather unstructured. I myself am a very organized person, and need structure and organization.

I have places and people to vent my frustrations and fears to.

I have acknowledged many of my flaws, the way the past has impacted me, and the likely origin point of this problem (COVID-19 as well as current chronic health issues). What I do not know, or what I do not have, as I have told her, are the tools to deal with this.

So far, our engagement has been more or less me telling her about my life, the situation that brought me to speak with her, and her talking about beliefs, and how some are good to let go, or adapt. Although it was said jokingly, the suggestion that I just “believe” I will persist after life remains and rankles me.

That is not what I am attempting to do.

Perhaps a different therapist would assist better. I am likely going to continue with this one a few more sessions and see where it goes, but at present, I cannot say that therapy has been useful for myself, personally.

If anyone has had better experiences, please share them, so we can know what helped!