#juliacomedy

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Yoga with Adriene

Adriene finally snaps. source

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SiriusXM’s Top Comic

Oh boy! It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything in this blog. My writing projects have taken a back seat this summer due to performance opportunities. For the past month I’ve been rallying and trying to get votes for Top Comic. I’m a semi-finalist (one of 18, 1 of only 2 women) in this HUGE comedy competition and the top 8 comics with the most votes move on to the finals. What’s on the line? 25 thousand dollars, spots at all of the Just For Laughs (Montreal, JFL42, JFL northwest) annnnd the title of SiriusXM’s TOP COMIC! 

Check out some fun vids from my campaign so far and VOTE! It would mean the world to me. Voting ends Monday August 22 EST 11:59PM! Here’s the link to VOTE!

LINK

https://topcomic.siriusxm.ca/comic/julia-hladkowicz/

Julia’s Diss Track Rap

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RVLQpufilQ

Vote Julia

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkOf72-49pQ

Sooo please vote! Time is running out! I really feel like if I get into the finals I can take this. I mean, I made a vision board SO IT’S GOTTA HAPPEN! Thanks friends!

[eatthisandshutup]

Blackened Catfish and Maque Choux

https://eatingwithjulia.wordpress.com/2016/03/15/blackened-catfish-and-maque-choux/

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Improvising Ingredients

CAN I GET A SUGGESTION? What, you don’t eat eggs? You bought a weird cut of meat I’ve never cooked with? You forgot to buy cheese? These are all great suggestions and hopefully I’m going to make these work in a bunch of delicious meals!

OK, seriously I should take an improv class because my skills need work. However, when it comes to improvising in the kitchen and making due with what I’m presented with, I ain’t too shabby! Due to another crazy week, I didn’t cook as much as usual. 

Last week while I was posting my food blog I made a delicious veggie omelette to inspire my writing. I sautéed asparagus and mushrooms, with parsley flakes and garlic salt, poured 2 beaten eggs over the veg and wilted some spinach in between before I flipped. Top with goat cheese (I used goat because A-It’s amazing and B-A big log of it was on sale so I’ve been goating it up all week). Serve with a piece toast with sliced tomatoes from the farmers market. PERFECTION. It even looks so pretty! 

Just as I was posting my blog I found out that I had a SUPER last minute audition. Normally this would be fine, but this audition happened to take place in NORTH YORK which would have taken me 2 hours by bus. Luckily, my sweet boyfriend swooped in (after I begged) and took me there in a Zip Car. Shout out to Zip Car! This is how you get sponsors, right? Anyway, as a a reward I decided to take my man lover out for dollar oysters at Beast restaurant. This was really an excuse to buy myself oysters...

On Wednesday after a cray day, mamma was craving chicken wangs. Of course I didn’t give myself enough time before I had to leave. I was about to give up and eat a piece of toast when I noticed the back of the package of chicken had a recipe that recommend MICROWAVING the chicken wings before baking. Why not? I normally ave the microwave for re-heating but it can be equally as helpful with pre-cooking. In a microwave safe dish cook wings for about 6 minutes. This actually helps melt off excess fat. (gross and cool!) Lightly toss them in olive oil, salt and pepper, and arrange on a foil lined baking sheet. Bake at 350 for 20 minutes, flipping half way through. Toss in a mixture of franks red, sriracha and butter. I’ve made a lot of baked chicken wings in my day, but the microwave helps keep them moist! I guess because they’re not drying out in the oven? I served them with carrot sticks and ranch dressing, ate them in about 5 minutes and rushed out. HIGHLY RECOMMEND. 

Thursday I was in a lil’ Jon music video (WHAT? YES? OKAY!) and then went straight to a NXNE show to open for hilarious comedian, Nick Thune. Needless to say, I didn’t have time to make food at home. I even ate McDonalds at the end of the night because I AM MONSTER. Check out this review of the show!

http://exclaim.ca/Comedy/article/8203nick_thune_ben_kronberg_mark_little_julia_hladkowicz-nxne_hub_toronto_on_july_18

I decided to take the night off Friday. I’d been burning the candle at both ends and really needed to chill. A nice steak dinner felt like the right thing to do. I put Matt in charge of picking us up 2 steaks, baking potatoes and spinach. I felt like a classic steak dinner. Of course, Matt went to a tiny grocery store with slim pickin’s and came back with one sirloin tip steak and one blade steak. WTF. These are not steaks you just toss on the grill. They require work and most importantly TIME. I decided to Ask Jeeves “how to cook a sirloin tip” and he’s like “Girl, you need to marinate that shit for like 12 hours at least!” and then I said “what about a blade steak” and he’s like “Oooo I’d recommend putting it in a stew or braising it.” 

GREAT. I froze the sirloin tip (not to be confused with top sirloin!) because I didn’t have the time to deal with it and focussed my attention on the blade steak. It’s a tough cut of beef with a weird fat thing running through it. I did what the internet said and braised it.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/464989-how-to-cook-a-blade-steak/

Season your steak on both sides (I used steak spice) and put oil in your dutch oven. When it’s hot enough, sear steak for about 3-4 minutes on each side to form a crust and lock in juices.

Take out your steak and deglaze pan. The recipe recommended broth, tomato juice or wine. I didn’t have any of that so I added half a bottle of beer (drank the other half), crushed tomatoes, soy sauce, sliced onion and green garlic. Add steak back to pot ensuring the juices cover it. Put the lid on and bake in oven for 45 minutes (at 350).

Meanwhile, I had already preheated my monster potatoes in the microwave for about 10 minutes before tossing them in the over, directly on the rack, for about an hour. This will give them a crispier skin. Ideally I’d like to cook them at 375 instead of 350, but the steak was in charge. 

I assembled my fave spinach salad topped with strawberries, goat cheese, silvered almonds, balsamic and olive oil. Simple.

When the meat is done, remove from oven and slice on cutting board. BEWARE. YOUR DUTCH OVEN WILL BE HOT AS F*$%. My kitchen space is pretty tiny and while trying to make room I accidentally picked up the lid of the dutch oven. HUGE MISTAKE. After cursing and running it under cold water I continued to assemble my plate. Top the potato with greek yogurt and butter. Chives would have been deluxe. I literally had to hold a cold beer the entire time I ate and eat with my left hand because the pain was so bad. I’m pretty sure I’ve burnt my finger prints right off so if this comedy career doesn’t work out I’ll consider applying for the Jason Bourne position. 

The meal wasn’t what I originally wanted, but the steak turned out awesome! The rich tomato gravy that it made was so good with the tender beef. I would make this again. Blade steaks are very cheap and tasty, so they’re great if you’re on a budget. All they need is a bit to TLC. I provided myself with TLC by drinking whisky, watching Netflix and soaking my hand in an ice bowl. 

My best friend Bonnie came to town this weekend. She arrived during brunch so I suggested breakfast burritos. Bonnie doesn’t eat eggs. Hm. Tofu scramble burritos? Perfect. As luck would have it, we didn’t end up having time to make the burritos and ended up going out for lunch BUT I was determined to make something delicious with this tofu. The next day I made Matt and I chipotle, tofu, black bean burritos. THEY WERE SO GOOD. I couldn’t believe how good they were!

I sautéed half a chopped onion, 2 chopped chipotle peppers (from a can), dash of cumin, dash of chili powder, dash of garlic powder, half can of drained and rinsed black beans. Let simmer until moisture evaporates from tofu. Of course I didn’t have any cheddar cheese so I used, you guessed it, GOAT CHEESE! On a large whole wheat tortilla, smear goat cheese and layer baby spinach. Add salad and greek yogurt. Top with tofu bean mixture. Carefully wrap this monster burrito like a diaper and secure with tin foil at the bottom to make your life easier. Mow down. The flavours in this worked so well. If you don’t like spice, I recommend using 1 chipotle pepper cause these babies were spiiiicaaaayyy.  I liked it so much I made the same thing a few days later but using shrimp instead of tofu. Still good, but I think the tofu was actually better! 

WE DID IT! We made it to the end of another delicious week. What did we learn?

1) Improvise! Work with the ingredients you have and show them love.

2) Tofu can be a real nice time.

3) Goat cheese is more versatile than you think.

4) The microwave can be your friend. 

Thanks again for eating with me! Also, have you seen this weeks VIRAL KITCHEN? It’s even better than the last! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3jvH71nIxM

Check out last weeks blog for the full recipe of “Basic Skinny Bitch Alfredo”. See you next week!  

[readthisandshutup]

Let’s get personal

Ah, the personal essay. This damn essay is what made me question my worth as a writer and as a human being. I was commissioned to write some articles for an online publication for $25 a pop. When I submitted this personal essay and it was deemed “too shitty” (I’m paraphrasing) to post on their site, I thought “wow, I can’t even write a $25 article.” I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t even worth 25 bucks. Because the editor said the article lacked structure, I offered to edit it on my end and re-submit. No. They just wouldn’t have time for that. Truth is, I haven’t written an essay since high school, so obviously my first stab at it isn’t going to be great. Also, if you’ve read my food blog or seen my stand-up it is quite unstructured, and that’s generally what people like about it. I’m struggling to create structured pieces while staying true to my voice. Here is the (rejected) article after a round of re-writes. It’s not the original one I submitted. It is an “improved” one but to be honest, I think I liked the first draft better. 

My Obsession with Teen Dramas

I have a confession to make. I didn’t get to see teen dramas growing up. I never really watched teens be teens as a teen and now I’m making up for lost time. Twenty somethings talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer like my parents talk about that Roy Orbison and KD Lang duet; they’re obsessed. I’ve never watched the original 90210. I barely saw any of Saved by the Bell and I definitely didn’t see Party of Five, Veronica Mars or My So-Called life. I can’t help but think that I’d be a totally different person if I had made different television choices in the 90’s and early 2000’s. So many girls grew up living vicariously through the characters on these shows while I grew up watching Road to Avonlea and Wind at my Back. In hindsight I was supporting Canadian content, so I feel pretty good about that. Whenever I’d watch a show where they even touched on “sex things” I got uncomfortable and feared my parents would run down to the basement and catch me watching people kiss. The one exception was Dawson’s Creek. Thank GOD for Dawson and the gang or I may have never had the balls to kiss a boy. Full disclosure, I didn’t kiss a boy until I was 16 and I never thought Pacey was hot but pretended I did to fit in.

I am now a 27 year old woman living in a condo with a Netflix subscription. The world is my oyster. About a year ago, I got a tip from a little 30 year old birdie about a teen drama called Pretty Little Liars. Initially I felt silly even considering wasting my time on something like this when there is so much “good TV” out there, but I gave it a shot. After three episodes I was sucked in to a vortex of doll faced teens trying to piece together a sexy murder. I found myself putting off other work to watch PLL. It was so nice to escape the real world and immerse myself into a “typical” high school experience. One episode, characters Hannah and Arya were wearing outfits that I currently own and I almost peed. The cool girls at school were dressing like me. I was part of the gang. I burnt through the 4 seasons on Netflix and when it was over I felt lost. What am I going to watch next? Which gorgeous 25 year olds playing teenagers will guide me through my life?

Enter Gossip Girl. I didn’t realize how badly I wanted to be Serena Van Der Woodson until I saw her. That body? Those clothes? The money? The men?!  It’s evident that I’ve been trying to fill a void because of what I missed out on in high school. I didn’t have a boyfriend, let a lone a new one every few weeks. I didn’t have sex. I didn’t wear heels to school every day. I didn’t have long gazelle legs and wear impossibly short designer dresses. This is all very superficial but that’s exactly what I need in my life right now. When my mind is running and I just need a break these shows are actually a source of peace. Instead of feeling guilty about my guilty pleasure, I kept watching more. After Gossip Girl it was Nashville, followed by two seasons of Heroes because I needed a Hayden Panitière fix. Then is was Friday Night Lights because I was craving Connie Britton.  I had burned through all these shows while I could have been reading a book, learning a new skill or at the very least watching a documentary, but I didn’t care. I needed a fix and didn’t know what else to do. In an act of desperation I put on an episode of 90210…New Generation. (GASP!) This was low, even for me. The first few episodes were painful, but now I can’t abandon my 90210 family. We’ve been through so much together. These people have brought me to tears and made me applaud with joy.

Characters in teen dramas go through more in one episode than I will go through in a life time. I love the excitement and the drama but it’s nice to know that when I turn off the TV, the drama won’t follow me home. I’ve been in this total “I’m an adult so I can eat ice cream for dinner” phase for the past year. In a time where my friends are starting to get married and start families, I am dreaming about being a skinny rich bitch who is an singer/actor/model/hand bag designer/always on a juice cleanse and sleeping with her gorgeous professor. I actually brought up my teen drama obsession with my therapist and we came to the conclusion that bad TV can be a reprieve. Hearing a professional endorse my taste in television was liberating. At 27, I’m doing something most people do at 15 and I’m ok with that. I’m going to continue watching these shows because it’s my turn to live vicariously through these characters and I don’t give a rats ass about what other people think.

[eatthisandshutup]

Culinary Corner Cutter

I WAS A LAZY LIZARD THIS WEEK. I was in London (Ontario, don’t get excited) this weekend and during the week I wasn’t really at home. I realize that most people have crazy busy schedules and if you don’t have time to make a meal 100% from scratch, that doesn’t make you a bad person. This week I combined elements of store bought items and home cooked items that made for some pretty delicious eats.

My fridge was looking pretty sparse but I had just enough ingredients to make a “singapore-ish” style noodle dish. This is super easy and super quick. Vermicelli noodles cook in about 2-3 minutes. Do not overcook or they will turn into a gross clumpy ball of mush. Cook the noodles first and let dry out in a colander for at least 30 minutes, tossing occasionally. I steamed broccoli and carrots because that’s what I had. It would also be delicious with mushrooms and bell peppers. I sauteed shrimp that had been lightly dusted with garlic powder, cayenne, salt & pepper. Then I sauteed the noodles with 2 tsp curry powder, 1 tsp tumeric, chopped green onion and sriracha. I placed the shrimp and veg on top and garnished it with fresh lime juice and more sriacha. OOoohh boy this was spicy. If I’m being honest I put wayyy more than 2 tsp of curry powder in there. Next time I’ll scale back and add some soy sauce and chicken broth to give it a deeper flavor.

Tuesday was a stupid day. It started off drab but the sun came out so Matt and I decided to get some vegetables in Kensington Market. We’re going to Cuba soon and want to look our best! After being outside for 10 minutes it started to rain, THEN IT STARTED TO HAIL. I’m talking BIG chunks of hail, pelting the back of my leather jacket and laughing in the face of my shitty dollar store umbrella.  Our plan was to get a burrito in Kensington but as luck would have it we came across “Pochetta” on Dundas Street West and decided to seek shelter and indulge in one of their sandwiches.

http://porchettaco.com/

I swear this was a sign from the food God’s. We had JUST watched an episode of The Layover where Anthony Bourdain goes to Porchetta. We both got the house special which is a porchetta sandwich on a beautiful bun with pork cracklings, hot sauce, grainy mustard, truffle sauce and shaved parmesan. Stop what you’re doing and go get that sandwich NOW. It’s fatty, crispy, tender, tangy and that truffle sauce takes it over the edge. I would make-out with this sandwich.  The picture doesn’t do it justice.

Once the hail stopped it was all rainbows and sunshine. Then it poured. Then is was sunny. Then more hail and more rain. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND MOTHER NATURE. By the time I got back from running errands it was late and I was hungry. I made guacamole, Caesars, tossed some salsa in a bowl and called it dinner. I like my guac real simple. Lemon, salt & pepper, maybe a bit of green onion or garlic powder. FYI we made the Caesars with golden rum instead of vodka and rimmed it with steak spice. The rum version is surprisingly good!

Wednesday was also a rainy day. This time is wasn’t raining from the clouds, it was raining from my eyes. (more on that later!) I had a very busy day that started off with a smoothie before I started writing an original spec script for a children’s cartoon called “Good Cop, Rat Cop”. After that I ran to a body bump class where I did so many squats I was worried my ass might fall off and run away. I rushed home and made a delicious breakfast using barley. Earlier in the week I cooked up a big pot of barley to use throughout the week in salads. In a pan I reheated the barley with salsa, cheddar cheese, spinach, hot sauce and green onion. I fried 2 eggs and put them on top my my glorious barley mountain. SO GOOD. You could make this using rice or quinoa and it would be amazing. Black beans would be a nice addition too.

With my belly full I set off to my therapy session. Y’all should go to therapy by the way. Talk therapy is beneficial to everyone from all walks of life. There’s a stigma that people who go to therapy are only crazy, depressed, anxiety ridden, damaged goods. That’s not the case. Anyway, I’m a super sensitive person. I’ll cry if I see an old man on the bus or a Tim Horton’s commercial with a father and son hugging. Last week was the one year anniversary of BOTH my grandparents deaths and my eye faucets were turned on high. After all that crying I worked up an appetite and wanted some comfort food. I wanted Swiss Chalet but I didn’t feel like paying delivery fees and getting cold soggy fries. On my way home I picked up a small rotisserie chicken and did the rest myself. I did the same roast fingerling potatoes I made last week (They were just TOO good), steamed broccoli to avoid scurvy and as luck would have it I had a turkey gravy packet in my cupboard! HALLELUJAH, IT’S A GRAVY MIRACLE. Who knows what kind of crap is in that “gravy”. At the time I didn’t care and figure it’s ok as long as you’re not eating gravy everyday. (although I would chug a pint of gravy every day if it wasn’t frowned upon). This meal was goddamn perfect. It was exactly what the doctor ordered.

It’s all downhill from here folks. I headed off to London and ate mediocre food at mediocre pubs. I cobbled together a “charcuterie” plate with ingredients from Shoppers Drug Mart. Calabrese salami, havarti, stilton and organic whole wheat crackers and I washed it all down with a $10 bottle of red from the Wine Rack. After sitting in traffic for 3.5 hours, this really hit the spot. I closed my eyes, ignored the styrofoam plate and plastic cup, and pretended I was at a chic hotel in Italy instead of a Vacanza Locanda (which is Italian for Holiday Inn;)

Just because you don’t have a lot of time doesn’t mean you can’t make truly satisfying feasts. It’s easy to eat “gourmet-ish” meals on the run. Make a big pot of rice, barley, quinoa or your favorite grain at the beginning of the week and toss it into soups, salads or scrambles. Create your own restaurant style din-dins using pre-made grocery store items such as a rotisserie chicken and add the sides yourself. It’s cheaper and healthier than take-out! Also, if you occasionally want to eat chips and dip for dinner, DO IT. I won’t tell...

Thanks for eating with me! In the meantime, watch Anthony Bourdain’s “The Layover” to get inspired and go to therapy. You might be pleasantly surprised:)

Julia