Visit Day
I had to remind myself to breathe as I stared at myself in the mirror. The small bathroom was boring and bland but clean at least, I ran my hands through my hair and straightened my shirt. I still couldn’t believe I had made this trip. Nearly 2000 miles to meet someone I had deep feelings for.
A man I had never met face to face.
As I made my way back to my assigned seat, I took in the room around me. It felt more like a library then a prison. except for the security gates I had to cross outside to get in of course. Pod 20. Two seats separated by a thick cut out of plastic, there would be no contact. The rules were given and strict and failure to comply would result in abrupt cancellation of the visit, removal from state property and banned for any future visits.
I was absolutely the most nervous I had been in awhile. You see if I could pick and choose a man, build a bear but for a partner if you will....he would be almost exactly what I was looking for...minus the felony record and prison sentence of course but things are rarely ideal for me in any situation.
I had seen his record, he has always been super honest from the very beginning about why he was locked up and what his intentions were. The Penpal sites read more like dating app bios but its for inmates across the US. However he stated from the jump that he wanted only a friend. He told me he had pretty much give up on love, every time he felt like he might be falling in love with someone they ended up burning him bad. It caused him to have serious trust issues and no visitors in nearly two years, even before covid shut the world down.
He only talked to his brother, sister and occasionally the baby momma when she was feeling gracious. I fidgeting in my seat as the silence of the room almost overwhelmed me. Two other inmates were already seated and waiting for their loved ones but I was the only visitor yet. I thought about all the late night conversations and talks, all the jokes, laughter, and even tears. for 6 months I had sat vulnerable and completely honest about myself with this man. He knows about my demons, my insecurities and my goals. He has encouraged, supported, scolded and got on my ass in the ways that I need it. When I tell yall I could here my heart beating against my chest.
Just as I was lost in my head, I hear the outside door pop open shaking me back to the present, his face is covered by the mask but the minute we make eye contact the storm inside me stops. I stand up, awkwardly LOL because I can’t shake his hand or hug him but I really wish I could. I knew he was tall but he feels like a giant sauntering towards me right now, he is a foot and some extra taller then me. We both stand at the barrier, I can feel him looking me up and down as I am doing to him. We have never met face to face, only video visits that require sitting. His eyes are dark pools of caramel, but they’re deep and still my favorite thing about him. I watch the corners of his eyes crinkle as he smiles widely, I can’t see it because of the mask but I have his smile and laugh memorized.
I was worried about the initial vibe check, I am also worried about the feelings I carry for him. When communication is limited to conversations and phone calls, but your whole life you have felt like you needed to physically satisfy a man to make him fall in love with you, a long distance deal is very scary. The minute we made eye contact, I knew I couldn’t hide it any longer. The feelings weren’t just me convincing myself I loved him, they were real.
From the very first phone call, he told me he would never date me. I deserved better then someone locked up, and he had been cheated on every single time he had been to jail. As I sat down at this visitation, he pulled down his mask and told me I was tiny and lucky this was no contact because other wise he would eat me alive... I knew I was in love with him from the very first minute. I was in trouble for sure, love was not part of the plan. It didn’t matter though, and deep down I had kept telling myself all thee excuses why we couldn’t be together and now I sat just a few feet from him knowing damn well I was his.
I have prayed for this man since I was young, the prince charming who could make me laugh but still knew when to take charge and be tough. I was never the girl in love with the main character, in fact I always sympathized with the villian because when a person feels loved and secure they can do anything. This man can do anything, he just has never had someone believe in him. That breaks my heart, He is not an inmate, he is a human being! Someone's son, brother, father and above all he has chosen me to be his partner. I don't know why, or even understand it because we are so different. I sit in this bland boring room, behind barbed wire and armed guard because something in the very primal part of my soul screams that this man is the one for me, I peek at him over my mask, his deep dark eyes are looking at me, watching me, waiting, He has questions, but I can NOT breathe when he looks at me like that. Fantasies of being underneath him, taking all of him, flood my mind. I cant show him right now but someday I will.
He will know, without a doubt, he owns me. I am his.
