It's been a month since the breakup and I've been processing a lot of things in regards to how he left.
I was cheated on with my previous ex so that breakup felt like such an easy goodbye. I was able to move on in a few weeks and I felt like I had no attachment left to this man.
With my recent ex, he chased me for months. He was communicating with me, talking to me all day, telling me how much he liked me. I asked him to be my boyfriend after a few months and he literally got hard lmao. He really was an ideal boyfriend, he showed up for me. He planned his life around me and included me. We spent all our free time together. And I found him so interesting, kind, insightful, giving, and open. It felt like he was so willing to open up to me about himself and I took that as a very secure green flag.
And then he broke up with me when I was feeling the most love for him. For a reason that feels so made up. He said he wanted a life with kids and in the suburbs but he had never really talked about that before. We had talked about kids but he said he was fine if his partner didn't want kids. I don't want kids right now but I'm open to the idea in the future. He made up his mind overnight, didn't talk to me about it, didn't include me in his decision making, and just threw me aside so he could achieve this alleged goal.
I know that if he came over and told me about his desire for kids and the suburbs, if I had in that moment said I wanted those things, he still would have rejected me. It was never the issue. He just didn't like me. That's the hardest part for me to accept. I did everything in my power to protect myself from this exact situation. I was kind and gracious, I put him first, I was patient and giving. And he still broke up with me. I don't think I deserve a relationship with someone for being dedicated, but I would like to be treated like a person.
I was discarded so instantly. For a reason that was likely a lie. From a man I really loved and when I was feeling the most love towards him. Those first few weeks after the breakup are the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. It literally felt like I was going through withdrawal and he was likely fine after (he broke his leg two days after the breakup apparently because he was crying and tripped off the train steps). To have a person be the most important person in your life one day and then suddenly nothing the next is like a different type of pain.
I've accepted that we have broken up. I've accepted that we will never be together and that he will go on to do whatever he wants with his life. What I cannot accept is how I was treated at the end of this relationship. I love him and I want what's best for him, but I have never been this hurt by a person before. His intent did not matter, I am still hurting. I know I sound bitter and resentful. And I know that my anxiety contributed to how I ended up getting treated and how I reacted. But that doesn't change how I was treated.
I wasn't considered by him. He put himself first always, and even in the breakup it was about him. Never about me. That's enough closure for me for this chapter. I already know what I'm worth. I just can't get past how I was treated.
