Why I Chose To Stay

This blog is dedicated to all the reasons I decided not to end my life.

[reasonsistayed]

April 16, 2026

Happy Semicolon Day!

It has been over 10 years since my last attempt and 8 years since I last self-harmed.

My life is so much better than I could have imagined back then. Life hasn’t been easy, and there have been a lot of dark days, but I’ve overcome so much and have a life I’m truly proud of. I’m married to the love of my life and we are working on starting a family.

I am so grateful that I failed at taking my own life. I am so, so glad I’m still here to experience the love and happiness I have today.

I know when you’re in those dark moments happiness feels impossible. It feels like nothing will ever be good again. But it’s just not true.

There will be dark days but there will also be sunsets and sunrises. There will be puppies in Halloween costumes and cats sleeping curled up like cinnamon rolls and babies laughing and rollercoasters and hugs and kisses and ice cream and holding hands and Ferris wheel rides and pride parades and new video games and pancakes for dinner and falling asleep next to someone you love.

There will be a thousand reasons to give up, but there will be a million reasons not to.

Don’t give up.

Trust me.

It’s worth it.

[reasonsistayed]

Sept 30, 2019

I haven’t touched this blog in two years. I used to use this as a place where I could go to remind myself why I shouldn’t self harm or worse. I stopped using it two years ago because I didn’t need it anymore. I was healthy. Things were ok.

A lot has changed in two years.

I got accepted into graduate school which was incredible.

I moved to a new country which is amazing and insane.

I lost the most important person in the world to me.

It was the worst day of my life. I feel sick every time I think about it.

In spite of this I’m still relatively healthy. I haven’t relapsed into self harm but suicidal ideation still lingers in the back of my mind. Some days it’s more prevalent than others. Today it’s there.

I turn 24 tomorrow. Another birthday. I’ve never liked birthdays but this one feels worse. I would give up my life right this second if I thought it would bring him back. If I thought there was even the slightest possibility. But it wouldn’t. All it would do is devastate my already wounded family. I can’t cause them any more pain.

I will endure my birthday because that’s what healthy people do. They have birthdays even when they don’t want them. Even when giving up birthdays seems like the better alternative. They have birthdays anyway.

The worst thing that could have possibly happened to me has happened. I am trying to continue living in a world that’s been completely shattered. That’s all I can do. I don’t have a choice. I refuse to let myself think there is a choice.

I will have my fucking birthday and I will keep on living because that’s what I’m supposed to do. I have to stay. I have to stay.

[reasonsistayed]

It's been a year since I self-harmed and a year and three months since my last suicide attempt.

In the last year I've graduated from college, moved to a new state, gotten two really cool jobs, made new friends, and had many wonderful adventures.

I wouldn't be the person I am today without the darkness I've lived through. I wouldn't be me without my cracks and scars. For the first time in my twenty-two years of living I can honestly say I'm proud of myself. I never thought I would get here, but I did.

[reasonsistayed]

The past few months have been tough.

I graduated from college in the top 10% of my class which was amazing, one of the best days of my life.

I moved to a different state which has been exciting and terrifying and a roller coaster ride.

I went from having a good job to no job to two jobs which is insane.

There have been a lot of ups and downs, but I've managed.

I am still here.

[chlobothehomo]

tw: suicide

About this time last year, I was in the hospital for attempting suicide.

Now I’ve graduated college, moved to a new city, and have gotten a new job.

I still feel sad sometimes, but my life is so much better than I ever thought it could be.

I’m really glad I did die.

[justablueumbrella]

A writer for the new york times interviewed a series of people who had survived jumping off the golden gate bridge. Every person she interviewed admitted that about two thirds of the way down, they realized that every seemingly meaningless problem that caused them to jump was fixable.

Every single person.

THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT

[love-personal]

[reasonsistayed]

I've been doing really well lately. Things have been tough but I'm managing. I haven't self-harmed or seriously thought about suicide. I'm doing ok. Just because today was rough doesn't mean I shouldn't still be proud of myself. I can do this.

[chlobothehomo]

tw: suicide

For some reason, my birthday is always really hard for me.

It’s really triggering for me and I usually spend the day contemplating suicide.

But today was different.

Today I woke up absolutely dreading the fact that it was my birthday, but my roommate got me up and we got ready and had a really good day doing some of my favorite things.

At the end of it, as we were driving home, the most beautiful sunset I’ve ever seen in my life happened. It took up the entire sky and it was bright and colorful. It was amazing.

I think the reason birthdays are hard for me is because I feel like I don’t deserve to be here. I feel like I don’t deserve to have this life and to get to experience all of these good things.

And maybe that’s true, but I’ve decided I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I don’t deserve it. I want it. I want to have a good and happy life and I don’t care if I don’t deserve it or if I don’t do it “right” or whatever. I want to be happy so that’s what I’m gonna do. And that’s all there is to it.

[reasonsistayed]

Reason 14: I deserve to.

[reasonsistayed]

Reason 13: my grandmother My grandmother has been a huge part of my life. I spent summers at her house on her farm, she would pick me up from school, she helped raise me. We just found out that my grandmother has cancer. It was like getting punched in the stomach. I called her when I heard the news, and all she had to say was, "Everything is going to be all right." And then she started asking me about my day. If she isn't giving up, I can't give up either.

[amargedom]

[reasonsistayed]

Reason 12: my pets I love all animals but especially these three. My pets are family to me. They love me, and they need me.

[reasonsistayed]

Reason 11: Art

Van Gogh is my favorite artist because, despite the pain his depression caused him, he was able to create beautiful masterpieces. He focused on things like the stars and flowers and the exquisite beauty of the little things. I can’t help but to think of all the beautiful things he didn’t get to paint because he took his own life. I will never create a masterpiece like Van Gogh, but I can enjoy his, and I can witness the beauty in my own life so long as I choose to stay.

[reasonsistayed]

Reason 10: Music

My favorite songs right now:

Secrets by Mary Lambert

Not Throwing Away My Shot from Hamilton

Glorious by Macklemore

I Am The Fire by Halestorm

[erupted]

[reasonsistayed]

Reason 9: Active Minds

Active Minds is a student organization I started at my university. The goal is to promote open and honest communication among students about mental health. I have to stay to show them recovery is possible.

[reasonsistayed]

Reason 8: Gabrielle I met Gabrielle four years ago, and she has recently become an incredibly important person in my life. She has been nothing but kind, loving, and supportive of me. I'm a better person because of her.