I know nobody reads this and nobody cares but Iāve got to get it out
I have some toxic ass in laws. We had a āfamily meetingā via FaceTime tonight that absolutely did nothing. They have all flat out said they donāt like me. Because I said Black Lives Matter.
The way I have come to understand it is like this: they are orange man supporters, and it is typical of his supporters to demonize the other side. So, even though they knew from the start that my partner and I donāt like orange man at all, they still liked me. BUT as soon as I said something that, for them, the āother sideā says, it means I must be one of the Terrible, Awful People (I.e. liberal/democrat/etc). Now, they are making shit up to fit their idea of me as a Terrible Awful Person.
Iām bad because Iām quiet and reserved and donāt talk much.
Iām bad because I donāt think itās safe to go back to school in person.
Iām bad because even though I have a masters degree, Iām not very smart.
Iām bad because Iām arrogant.
Iām bad because I said Black Lives Matter so I must also believe ACAB and Defund the Police and Fuck the Police, etc etc.
Iām bad because I live in la la land because I think that working to fund communities with better wrap around resources that there would be less crime.
Nothing I say or do will ever change their minds. They will manipulate everything I say or do to make it fit their idea of me. Theyāre never going to like me. And honestly, fuck it. They will never know me, and thatās their loss.
I know my partner hasnāt accepted that yet. She still thinks we can solve this and get over it and they will like me one day. I am extremely doubtful. I have no faith in them.
Itās almost laughable, except that itās also devastating. She said she feels like she has no family anymore. And thatās heartbreaking. But she might be right. And I hate that I feel responsible and guilty about it. I know they had family issues before I came around, but it sure feels like itās all my fault.
Itās all just hard right now. Iām trying so hard to be okay. Iām trying so hard to be strong. But inside, Iām really just barely keeping my chin above water, nearly drowning in guilt, stress, and anxiety.
Iāve thought a few times, briefly, that maybe we should break up. But these problems would still remain. Her mother would never let her really be happy unless she gets to play puppet master. And I love this girl so much and want her to be happy. And if leaving wonāt ever do that, we will get through this together.
But goddamn, itās hard.
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