Celly

vent writing • 19 yrs old • he/she

[recoverycelly]

i wrote a list of things i regret not doing/wanted to do more of years ago before an attempt and this was the last thing on the list

damn. im hurting my own feelings atp.

[recoverycelly]

I noticed that lately, I'm always trying to emulate and wishing I was more like I used to be before my abuse. I wasn't particularly happy before, but at the very least, I wasn't so deeply hurt. I will never get back my childhood again. I can never go back to or reverse the effects that the people who hurt me had on me, but I can't stop trying to relive the stability I felt then. It's unfair.

I am only 19 and my entire life is a constant cycle of tearing myself down and building it back from scratch. Why? My only crime was innocence. I was naive and fell for people I shouldn't have.

Now it's a fucking life sentence.

[recoverycelly]

Realization

If there was ever a word to describe how he made me feel it’d be…frustrated. With him, with others, and with myself. I think I always knew that it wasn’t healthy, but for some reason, I always pushed the thought away. How could I possibly think so lowly of someone I love so much? I am supposed to love him.

It was like being trapped in a strange version of reality removed from common sense or rationality. Almost as if living in a completely different world with new rules unlike everyone else. When I talk to others I can’t help but think of myself as an outsider. Someone looking at the world using a distorted mirror only to occasionally see unfamiliar glimpses of what it really looks like. Even those few and far between glimpses into the actual world feel so fragile; threatening to slip away from my mind the more trapped I became. I could feel myself slowly giving up more and more and more of my mind. The distress and upset of sacrificing so much of me for a relationship that will always demand more slowly replaced with silent acceptance. It would almost be peaceful if it wasn’t for the constant theatrical displays of love and outright violence.

When resignation couldn’t help me and I got closer and closer to the very edge of my sanity, while desperately clinging on to my remaining senses, I could finally feel it bubbling up in me. A quiet and almost subtle rage. Like a stormy sea, it would come in vicious waves; pulling back only to return full force. Sometimes it manifested as small outbursts and other times as painful episodes. It consumed me. I could almost feel the depth of my frustration and hurt piled on top of each other. In arguments, all the vile bits of anger and hurt would splatter out of me in spite of my attempts to stop it. The anger, at least, was new company. It kept me grounded. It reminded me, albeit faintly, of how the world was meant to look. There was a sense of comfort in reaffirming to myself that it shouldn’t be this way. This wasn’t normal or okay. 

Yet I still never made any attempt to leave.

It felt like I couldn’t. Like I shouldn’t. It’s weird to say but even with all the anger and the fact that I was barely even myself anymore I still loved him. Even when my body was failing and my mind was just narrowly hanging on, I still cared. With the way things were, it’s hard to say if it was all just love and caring, him wearing me down or because I had so little left of me when I realized.

[tonysopranobignaturals-deactiva]

is-the-amv-cute

NO. this anime does not match with the lyrics of the song whatsoever. the person who created it just added a fun song without considering the implications of the situation and actions of characters.

[tonysopranobignaturals-deactiva]

yeah, people like me

[troutlawyer]

Grandmas were so right about puzzles and knitting and crocheting and solitaire and reading slow and slippers and baking and watching deer in the backyard send post

[spadefish]

Honestly the best part of being a barista was charging cops for their drinks. They're so used to getting free shit so it was SOOOOO good for them to pull up to the window and for me to be like "$6.47 :)" and them to make this whole elaborate display of slowly pulling their wallet out and handing their card over bc they weren't expecting to pay. I'd charge you double if I could, oink oink bitch

[gnoll-king]

Reblog to pet the LIs!

These are free to use! No need to credit me!

[gaylienz]

happy PRIDE i’m here i’m queer and i believe the land should be given back to the proper indigenous stewards.

[gaylienz]

Non-Natives reblogging this are great and wonderful

[bauliya]

everyone's like wehhhhh why doesn't doctor house gets suuuueeed! like my man. literally every patient he sees is someone that's been trying to find a diagnosis for ages. i could live with a little medical malpractice if it were coming from someone ready to break into my home to look for allergens and not simply half heartedly listen to me before suggesting I lose weight and take ages of back and forth arguing to order a single test

[bauliya]

"it's medical malpractice" have u ever been a doctor? most medicine is malpractice. let the man limp around chewing vicodin doing 50 invasive tests please

[clodiuspulcher]

Once Taub (derogatory) derisively said about a patient with unexplained chronic pain “7 doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with him, what does that mean?” and House replied without even thinking “it means they’re idiots” and proceed to work his ass off to diagnose the patient Taub wanted to write off as a faker or something. If a doctor had said that when that patient was ME, I wouldn’t dream of suing them in a million years

[jackironsides]

(I agree with all of the above, especially as someone who is chronically ill. But House does very much occasionally get sued.)

[recoverycelly]

me and my ...crush? were paired up together but idek it felt weird

[recoverycelly]

we're basically just online friends atp...

[recoverycelly]

played charades in one of my classes today because the teach was out sick.

a few of us took turns acting out/drawing the words...i appreciate his attempts

[recoverycelly]

also this happened recently??

[recoverycelly]

i am very awkward with my crush...

[orbees]

Kills me how so many ppl on here will be like be gay do crimes but then gasp in shock and horror at the very thought that there are Drug Users and Addicts on their Webbedsite

[orbees]

I'm just saying like if ur gonna be on here claiming to be anti police and care about social justice but then cry out in moral outrage everytime you realize there are drug users and addicts in your communities... mayhap you aren't as be gay and do crimes as u thought. Btw you're stepping on some of the most vulnerable people in ur community and you sound like a conservative <3

[recoverycelly]

bitches are all be gay do crime until the crime involves anything they think is beneath them like drugs.

[orbees]

Kills me how so many ppl on here will be like be gay do crimes but then gasp in shock and horror at the very thought that there are Drug Users and Addicts on their Webbedsite

[orbees]

I'm just saying like if ur gonna be on here claiming to be anti police and care about social justice but then cry out in moral outrage everytime you realize there are drug users and addicts in your communities... mayhap you aren't as be gay and do crimes as u thought. Btw you're stepping on some of the most vulnerable people in ur community and you sound like a conservative <3

[recoverycelly]

hi im back after a long while.

when I made this Tumblr I had JUST left one of the worst relationships I've ever been in and that's why i was so upset. Right now im not sure if I really want this to be an abuse awareness thing because honestly seeing this Tumblr reminds me of my ex and for obvious reasons im not estatic about that.

It's very likely i may delete this so just a heads up