Red Lights Green Lights

This blog is here to bring to light “invisible” microaggressions, gaslighting, and manipulation tactics and signs of abuse that go on in toxic relationships. From friendships, to family, to partners. Things that are often brushed aside or ignored when they are indicators (red flags), and sometimes we don’t even notice it ourselves until it’s too late. Real people stories and advice to know you’re not alone ❤️

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🚩ATTENTION I NEED YOUR HELP🚩

Hi! This is my feminist praxis project for my Women’s Studies class. I’m creating this account to post awareness of red flags of toxic or abusive relationships that are usually not recognized as red flags until later. Things that are brushed off or dismissed, but looking back should have been recognized as bad signs.

If I could get even a few people to submit stories, anoymously or not, of past experiences with relationships, we can create a small community of support that lets people know if they’re in this situation now, they’re not alone and can get out or get help. What was the sign you look back and wish you noticed or didn’t ignore? What advice do you have for people in toxic relationships now? Even if you don’t have a story, but could like or reblog it would mean the world to me!

I’ve called this “Red Lights Green Lights” as oftentimes, the 2 can get blurred in relationships. Not everything is “go” or “stop” or black or white.

Thank you everyone who helps in this journey!

EDIT: Navigation Guide for Nontumblr Users!

In order to make this blog more user friendly, I’ve decided to edit in a color coded heart to each of my posts to organize a bit better. You can find these hearts in the tags at the bottom of each post, and if you click on the tag it should lead you to all the posts under the listed category.

💜- A Purple Heart represents an anonymous stranger who submitted a story of a red flag they’ve noticed to help bring awareness to warning signs of abuse and build a community of people who are not alone in having experienced abuse or even just a sign it was time to end the relationship. I’ve also added my own commentary to most of the submissions, which is the text below the grey anonymous submission bubble. I did this for extra clarification, support, and knowledge.

💛- A yellow heart represents a friend or colleague I reached out to and told about my mission and project, and offered to share their story to provide more examples and support. I have kept names and personal information private, but if they were comfortable, included pronouns, sexuality, or age, to demonstrate that red flags can be found in any gender or relationship type.

🤍- A white heart represents a personal reflection of my own past experience. I decided to be as real as possible: if I’m asking people to share really personal or hard memories to help spread awareness, a good way to provide support and encourage a community is to participate myself.

💚-  A green heart represents statistics and real information found from personal research in relation to abusive relationships and/or resources others can use.

Art credit: <a href="http://www.freepik.com">Designed by pikisuperstar / Freepik</a>

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Whoops, I think my own phone ate my ask. Anyways,

Red flag 🚩

When they paint themselves as the victim of every relationship

Tw: suicide, abuse

I had an abusive partner who started off by saying she was abused by a partner. Makes sense, nothing fishy. But then she eased into how one of her other partners committed suicide… and painted herself as the sole victim…? She very much had a victim complex, which she used against me later when she accused ME of being the abuser.

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Thank you so much for sharing your story! It’s reallt scary and manipulative how some people can paint the story of being a victim and turn around and be abusive themselves. And how hard it would be to detect that as an early red flag. But definitely always having everyone else be the “bad guy” in their lives is a bad sign, which could take years to spot.

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Types of Abuse in Relationships

Toxic relationships and abuse takes many forms, and doesn’t have a set list of signs to look out for. It varies from each relationship. Here are just a few types of abuse to be aware of:

1) Physical

The most commonly associated type people recognize. This can include just for a few examples: hitting, slapping, strangling, restraining. But it can also include anytime when someone is made to feel physically unsafe such as: driving recklessly or invading a person’s physical space.

2) Verbal/Emotional

These signs may be harder to spot, both by outside family and friends, and even from the victim themselves. They’re also harder to prove in terms of court. Often time these leave just as bad if not much more of a damaging effect than physical abuse.

3) Mental/Psychological

“Occurs through a series of actions or words [that] wears away at the other’s sense of mental well-being and health. It often involves making the victim doubt their own sanity”.

4) Sexual

Has both physical and nonphysical components. Nonphysical can show up as (to name a few examples): coersion, pressure, guilt-tripping, using as leverage, or blackmail.

5) Financial/Economic

Abuse is about power and control and money being such a driving force in a capitalist society, makes it a mean that is sometimes used to gain that power over a victim. This can also be used in different forms, which might not be obvious to spot at first. Whether it’s controlling all of the budgeting in the household and not letting the survivor have access to their own bank accounts, or opening credit cards and running of debts in the survivors name or simply not letting the survivor have a job and earn their own money.

6) Cultural/Identity

This is also a broad category which entails using aspects of a victim’s identity to inflict suffering, as a means of control. A couple examples of this could be: threatening to ‘out’ someone who is LGBTQ+, using racial slurs, not respecting or allowing religious customs such as dress or diet.

Source: REACH Beyond Domestic Violence

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Where to Reach out to Get Help

Victim Connect Resource Center

1-855-4VICTIM (855-484-2846) phone or text

The VictimConnect Resource Center is one of several national hotlines that are dedicated to helping victims understand their rights and options, and make the choices that will best support their recovery

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Hotline: [phone] – 7233

Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and online chat.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline) is available for anyone experiencing domestic violence, seeking resources or information, or questioning unhealthy aspects of their relationship.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hotline: [phone]

Love is Respect – National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline

Hotline: [phone] – 9474

Text: 22522

Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone, text, and online chat.

Love is Respect offers information, support, and advocacy to young people who have questions or concerns about their dating relationships.

Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline

Hotline: [phone] – 4564

The LGBT National Help Center serves gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and questioning people by providing free and confidential peer support and local resources.

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) – National Sexual Assault Hotline

Hotline: [phone]

Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and online chat.

National Human Trafficking Hotline

Hotline: [phone]

If you are in an immediate emergency please call 911

https://victimconnect.org/resources/national-hotlines/

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Statistics about Abusive Relationships

According to the National Coalilition Against Domestic Violence

• On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men

•1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner contact sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking with impacts such as injury, fearfulness, post-traumatic stress disorder, use of victim services, contraction of sexually transmitted diseases, etc.

•1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner

•1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner

•1 in 10 women have been raped by an intimate partner.

•On a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide

National Domestic Violence Hotline states

•Intimate partner violence alone affects more than 12 million people every year

•Teens who suffer dating abuse are subject to long-term consequences like alcoholism, eating disorders, promiscuity, thoughts of suicide, and violent behavior

While noticing red flags early doesn’t erase damage done in the past, it might help someone pick up quicker in their own relationships what shouldn’t be ignored. We’re all in this together.

Art credit: https://www.mhpcolorado.org/a-second-look-at-metoo/

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This tik tok channel has wonderful cartoon shorts that have to do a lot of different forms of manipulation and pressures faced in different types of relationships. They’re a good resource to have a visual representation of more than just statistics.

@love_mylife974 on tik tok

Relationship Controlling and Manipulation

https://vm.tiktok.com/TTPdjCjcf9/

Sexual Coersion by a trusted Adult

https://vm.tiktok.com/TTPdjCPkWY/

Internet Pressure

https://vm.tiktok.com/TTPdjCS6E8/

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I was dating this girl a while ago. We went on two dates or something when she suddenly told me she liked my posts on a certain website. I had never given it to her and she wouldn't know that username because it had only been two dates & it wasn't related. I decided to let it go. After the next one she had far more feelings for me than I for her. So I figured it was best to stop while we're ahead. She stalked me until I seriously threatened with police. My warning: 1 small privacy violation.

Thank you for sharing your story! I think that’s a perfect example of a red flag which can be dismissible and you never know it’s a warning for something worse to come, like stalking. That’s a scary situation to be in. I hope you’re safe now

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Red flag submission:

Tw: manipulation, emotional abuse, gaslighting

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Without re-writing the context (I lost my submission when my WiFi dropped 😔) here are some red flags from my emotionally abusive ex fiancée)

-Came onto me thinking I was 17 (I had just turned 18 the previous semester)

-pretended to be incompetent so I would take care of her

-“”cracked eggs”” by encouraging people to say they were trans before they were ready (I was genderfluid and had to reassess my whole ID after the breakup)

-convinced me I was ok with polyamory without actually letting me decide for myself.

-dismissed me when I asked if she was sure of a decision, then would blame me for it. (Whatever your interpretation of this is, it is correct)

-gaslit me about what she would tell other partners or friends about me so that I didn’t know she was shittalking me to them.

If you are getting out of an abusive situation, please assess if it’s safe to cut all contact. In my case, I was already isolated, but was isolated more so by her claiming I was the abuser to her partners and friends. Stay safe

(My ID: I’m a 22 transmasc queer who uses he/them/it pronouns. Anything is fine though.)

(If someone asks for queer to be twed, that doesn’t PERSONALLY bother me)

Thank you so much for sharing your story! Anytime I hear of underage grooming/dating or potential grooming, it really makes my blood boil. Obviously not the fault of the child/young adult. I'm glad complacent or weaponized incompetence is being addressed recently in terms of toxic behaviors in media. Relationships are partnerships, and while doesn't have to be 50/50 at all times, each party needs to contribute to be healthy. I've never heard of the term "cracked eggs" but I like that term. Pressure to be outted, or outting you is a violation of privacy, and shameful behavior. As a queer person, I've had a couple friends and family members out me to strangers or other family, before I got the chance, and it was more hurtful than they realized. Also polyamory without enthusiastic consent from both sides is not polyamory; its cheating.

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my ex would bottle things up for a few months then let it explode. She would get jealous very easily like with my best friend and she didn’t tell me for months and was thrown in my face, when it was ok with in the past then it seemed like all of a sudden not ok with it. Constant bitterness. Things not being communicated. She didn’t know how to problem solve like an emotionally mature adult.

Thank you for sharing your story! I totally agree, not communicating feelings and then exploding later down the line is really hard on a relationship. Especially a red flag if they hold onto grudges and rather than talking about it and trying to work through it, using it as ammo for a fight and blaming the partner for not knowing.

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🚩 gaslighting? Victim blaming

“You’re so sensitive, I can’t say anything around you”

Thank you for your submission! That is absolutely a great example of a red flag. Victim blaming making you feel crazy or bad for trying to have a conversation or talking about your feelings leaving you confused, angry, hurt, and ignored.

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When I first started dating my ex, she only had 2 friends. I thought this was strange because she had lived in the same place her whole life, so surely she knew more people than just those 2. She always would brag about how many people she’s dropped and how many friendships she’s ended and lost. And of course people have toxic relationships and stories of their own and you don’t have to have a ton of friends to have healthy relationships. But I realized the reason she didn’t have more friends was she wasn’t willing to put in the work with friendships. She wasn’t willing to problem solve and nurture relationships she rather just end them all. Dropping and running from every issue was super toxic. And this showed up exactly the same later in our relationship and our ultimate break up.

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I agree, the number of friends you have doesn't mean anything negative. However, if you notice a pattern of every single one of their past friendships were "toxic" people they had to drop in their lives, it is a definite red flag. It might be not obvious at first, especially because as their partner you want to protect and support them, and take their side when they tell you stories about these people.

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My ex fiance was a very subtle manipulator. If you look up emotional abuse, a lot of things just didn't apply to how he treated me. This abuse was so different from anything I'd ever read, I didn't realize how many red flags were there until nearly eight months in.

🛑Content warning for descriptions of emotional and physical abuse, mention of sexual assault🛑

🚩 He never said anything derogatory towards me, not once, but I still felt less important than him. Any time I brought up traumas or struggles, or even something as simple as, "I've pulled two all-nighters and I feel like crap," his response almost always had to do with how he had it worse. I, in tears because I was triggered, list ways my childhood emotional abuse still affects my adult life? He tells me that my childhood sounds better than his because his mom hit him across the face sometimes, and then tells me to cheer up because we're late to meet his friends.

🚩 He made every little thing into an important event or tradition. For example, he made a promise that he would always spend his Sundays with me and my parents. He was so adamant about keeping it and apparently felt so bad about not spending that time with me, he couldn't see past it to let me sleep off my covid vaccine side effects, and repeated how "stir crazy" he was until I agreed to do more with him than lay on the couch. Two Thursdays in a row of eating at the same restaurant meant it was our tradition, and me wanting to spend a day alone with my sister was breaking that. Within a week of talking to each other, he had decided what "our song" was (it was a country song that I didn't really care about, and had no meaning to us other than it reminded him of me).

🚩 Despite near constant talk of his bad mental health, he refused to seek any sort of treatment. Instead, he used me as his therapist, emotional support, ego booster, etc.. When I told him my mental health was getting bad and that I was going to spend some time with the other people in my support circle, he made a big deal about how he should be able to be my only mental health support.

🚩 Any time I wanted to spend one on one time with someone, he had to find any reason to be there that he could. His reasoning was that I was always his first thought, and that if anyone ever invited him anywhere, it would only be right to invite me, too. If I told him it had been a long time since I had gotten to spend time with a friend or family member and that I wanted to be alone with them, his verbatim reply text was, "You don't want to spend time with me? 🥺"

🛑 sexual assault mention starts here, and ends with another break like this one 🛑

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🚩 I told him from the beginning that I only wanted to be intimate with whoever my husband would be, after we were married. He bent boundary after boundary of mine, and when I asked him if we could talk about what I was comfortable with before he tried to initiate anything, he said he liked to just see where things went. I wish that I would've called him on it right then, and been more firm about what I didn't want him to even try.

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🛑 end assault mention🛑

If you take anything from my story, I hope it's that your boundaries and needs are second to no one else's. Don't compromise on taking care of yourself, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for setting boundaries with them, no matter their relationship to you.

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Red Flags Submission

“Incompatible love languages! This is a vast oversimplification, but the love languages I am think of are ‘words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch’ (Chapman 1992). My ex loved receiving and giving gifts, and hated being touched (due to trauma as a child). I am naturally not a spendy person, and my greatest love language is physical touch. This should have been a red flag from day one, as it is not in her nature to desire physical touch, and it is not in my nature to spend money unless I have to. My current SO is on the same page as far as love languages and it makes it much easier to have a functional relationship”

-N he/him straight, at the time 19

Thank you for sharing your story!

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2 red flags I should’ve paid more attention to: My ex would talk on and on and on and it was always about the same six or seven things/people (his job, people he disliked, etc). I just thought he was a chatterbox but I now realize it was because he was fixated on the negative things in his life and was trying to convince me he shouldn’t be held responsible for his own actions (I now realize people usually had good reason not to like him judging by how he said he treated them). Second thing, he never treated any of my material things with care, I know that sounds weird but he acted like everything I owned was disposable while his was not (he broke so much of my stuff even if it was on accident), and when he ended things he treated me exactly like those objects.

Thank you so much for sharing your story! Having a negative headspace is challenging, but definitely does not justify or excuse your own actions. Hearing that people didn't like him over how they treated them is a huge red flag, that often gets brushed aside; especially if they treat you better (even if that "better" isn't the best it should be). And not respecting people's personal stuff is not respecting the person themselves. It shows a lack of maturity too.

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“When I first met my ex, she was 19 and I was 22. That was the biggest age gap I’ve had a relationship with. We started dating when she turned 20. We both had many shared interests and similarities. I guess I should have realized she was a rebound for me because I never had felt so close to anyone than I did with my ex. 

I’ve faced a lot of adversities in my life-being sexually assaulted, growing up with emotional and physical abuse, family issues, body issues, mental health issues. I have anxiety and depression. My parents were divorced and we moved around a lot. She grew up in a loving home with married parents in one home her whole life. Didn’t have any major life events happen to her or mental health issues. While that itself obviously isn’t a problem, she wasn’t understanding of my issues. She grew up with privileges I never had, and she didn’t make any effort to understand my thought processes or past trauma. Our stress levels, responsibilities and everything were so different and we were both in two different places in our lives. I just wanted to be listened to and supported when I would be going through a rough patch”

-S she/her, bi, at the time 22

Thank you for sharing your story!

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Red Flag Submission!

“One of my exes overstepped boundaries between us very early on in our relationship and very often. Constant location access, showed up at my house unwarned without my consent. I always had to be right by my phone because if I missed a call, I was in for hell.

Same ex was overly jealous. I get it, you want to know if I’m emotionally cheating/sexting a girl. ‘But her name is ______, she’s a lesbian, and I’m helping her with her homework.’ Not exactly a conversation topic to spark the right mood and ALSO SHE’S GAY so there’s that. Current GF understands that I can text a woman without immediately wanting to put my pee-pee inside a woman”

-Anonymous, he/him, straight, at the time 21

Thank you for sharing your story! 

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Red Flag Submission 

“My ex broke up with his ex TWICE before me, and that ex cheated on him. And they got back together after he cheated. When we started dating, I should have known I was a rebound. They were always hanging out together, which would be fine in certain situations, but the cheating before was a red flag for me. If your ex did that to you and you still go out with them, it feels like you’re justifying cheating and makes me think that you’ll cheat because you don’t take seriously the impact cheating can have. It makes me wonder will you value loyalty of your own partner if you didn’t value the lack of loyalty of your past partner?

And instead of talking out our relationship after several months, he just straight up ghosted me and after we broke up, I found out he was seeing someone else the whole time we were together.”

-anonymous, gay, he/him, 

Thank you for sharing your story!