Rediscovering Michelle

My journey towards healing my body image and rediscovering who I am as I recover from an addiction to exercise and healthy eating. Sharing tales of my recovery, resources I have found useful and reviews of podcasts or books that have helped me to heal.

[rediscoveringmichelle]

Rising on up - Recoveries Small Wins

Sitting here eating my lunch with the sun from the window resting on my back, I can feel the drips of sweat starting to trickle out from the sweat glands under my arms and down my back. Stripped down to a pair of shorts and a string top rolled up to expose my back, with a fan blasting in my face. I think back to how only last year I would likely have been wearing full length trousers and a cardigan or sweatshirt, shivering in this 27-degree heat. Back then no amount of sun could save me from the extreme cold I was suffering thanks to being well under my ideal weight. The aches and pains I would feel through every bone in my body, stiff, sore and unable to concentrate. Unless you have experienced what it feels like to be vastly underweight, you will never appreciate the joy of sweating, the joy of not needing to strap a hot water bottle to your stomach in the middle of summer. Glancing back over the list I created of all things I wanted to gain back, I realise just how far I have come.

First up was the night sweats. I would wake in the middle of the night drenched as though someone had poured a glass of water over me in my sleep and it had seeped into the sheets. The sheets would smell of stale sweat. I remember the fear of going on holidays and having to share a bed with a friend in case they would wake up and see or smell me. I would be terrified of having a guy to stay over, so much so that even after 2 months dating, I would send my boyfriend home every night he came back to mine. Although I sweat now during the day, even on the warmest of nights I never awake to wet, sweaty sheets and only rarely even wake up warm in the middle of the night.

Then my sex drive, or lack thereof. I remember feeling uncomfortable and on edge as my boyfriend would cuddle me in bed, terrified he would want sex. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to want it, to feel interested in a person in that way. After the rejection I had suffered a few years previously, that in part triggered the weight loss, I vowed to never let myself be this hurt again. And for a long time, I managed to avoid this. I became a cold and distant person, uninterested in anyone but myself and certainly not interested in sex. In both ways, no one could hurt me because I wouldn’t let in anyone that wanted to get me know me or show me any affection or desire. It didn’t take long for this desire to return after I had gained some weight. Partly because I had the brain space to think about something other than food but also because my hormone levels had started to return to somewhat normal levels.

My god the peeing, I would go to the toilet, and not a minute later would still need to go. I would wake every hour in the night to go to the toilet. I was never able to enjoy any length of time out of the house without needing to find a toilet. I would need to google public toilets in the area before I agreed to meet someone. I vividly remember coming back from my art class in Clapham one evening and finding myself in sheer panic, running home from Elephant and Castle station, in severe throbbing pain as I clenched my bladder. Looking down every alley and side street in case I needed to duck in and pee in the street. The pain would last hours even after I had made it to the toilet. Now I find myself leaving for my art class at 6.30pm on a Tuesday evening and not returning until 9.10pm, not needing to pee the entire time.

Feeling like me again. I do mourn my thin body, how in control I felt for a time. How desired and accepted I felt. Looking back at photos and feeling pleased at the clothes I could wear and how much I looked like the images I always envied. But then I have to remind myself that this girl was alone, weak, tired and cold. I don’t think I laughed for three years. A fake laugh maybe, but not a real belly laugh. The one that echoes through a room, infecting those around me. I missed the girl who makes silly jokes and puns, the girl who is not afraid to put herself out there and try something new. Who loves to spend time with friends, especially when it involves a really deep conversation. For so long, I found social occasions hard to engage in, because my thoughts were fixed on when I would never eat or move. Now I get to fully embrace every moment. Days spent watching a movie on the couch, out having lunch with friends or a few relaxing days away. I’m so glad that girl has returned.

[rediscoveringmichelle]

Where to start? Resources to help on the road to recovery.

Okay a bit of a brain dump but I thought I would put together a list of some of the resources that helped me with recovering from an obsession with exercise and healthy eating. This may be helpful to those struggling or parents of those struggling to understand what their child may be going through and the help they might need.

1. Therapy – this is THE most important one for me and one I didn’t really do enough of until after I gained back the weight. I think it would have been better for me to go during recovery, but it all depends on whether you are ready to admit you have a problem to yourself and then to someone else. Eating disorders are usually a symptom of an underlying problem – perhaps a desire for control and safety when life feels out of control elsewhere or a desire to fit in and be liked by others in order to accept yourself. Therefore in order to really recover it is important to get to the root of why it has developed in order to heal your relationship with yourself so that you can start living your life again.

2. Books – I have always loved learning, especially through reading self-care or non-fiction books. Any time I discover a new topic I’m interested in I get lost in it and want to educate myself on everything to do with it. Some of the books that have helped me on my journey:

a. Intuitive Living by Pandora Paloma – about understanding where your relationship with food comes from and it was a good starting point for me to realise there was something deeper behind what I was going through. Lots of exercises to work through to think about the type of person you are and your early memories of food and body image.

b. Just Eat It by Laura Thomas – Mum (not so subtly) left this around the house and during lockdown I decided to pick it up and give it a go. My eyes were opened. This book is about Intuitive Eating but it is really so much more than that. It is about learning to trust our bodies again and tune in to our internal cues, rather than looking externally to trackers, social media or a time on the clock for when and how to eat or exercise.

c. The Comparison Cure by Lucy Sheridan – I have always suffered with tendency to compare myself to others – my body, career success and relationships – never quite feeling like I have matched up. I heard Lucy being interviewed on a podcast and decided to read her book. This book helps you to list the areas of your life where you experience comparison tendencies the most and then understand why this is. Through doing exercises and journaling it helps you to discover your core values and who you truly are. Lucy’s theory is that by being your authentic self and feeling like you are reaching your goals you won’t feel a need to compare yourself anymore and can find happiness in yourself and in your life.

d. Women Don’t Owe You Pretty by Florence Given– a good starting point for questioning why we do the things we do as women. Why do we wear make-up, shave our legs and wear tight clothes? You might be thinking that is gross and that the thought of not shaving it a step too far. But I’m not asking you not to do and neither is Florence. She is just asking you to start questioning why you do it. Most of the reasons stem back to wanting to please men, so that we can be loved. And don’t get me wrong I still shave my legs, but it’s about helping you to understand that you shouldn’t feel a need to please men and that you can learn to love yourself, regardless of whether others love you.

e. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown – I don’t know about you, but I am a massive perfectionist. And I know that is the standard response in an interview to the question ‘what is your biggest weakness?’ and is seen as a cop out! People think its really a big plus. But for me it isn’t. It has led me to procrastinate, to not push myself to present at work and get the visibility I need to be promoted because my presentation ‘isn’t quite there yet’. I tend to only want to try things if I think I will be good at them. I either do things perfectly or not at all (like exercising every day or never). It has led me to feel no matter what I do, its never quite good enough. This can be incredibly tiring and mentally draining. Brené tries to encourage us to be vulnerable and to not be afraid of just showing up as we are, warts and all.

f. Untamed by Glennon Doyle – more of a story of her life and realisation that as women we constantly put others first. That the biggest compliment we can pay a woman is that she is selfless. But by being selfish, putting your needs first, you can have more energy and power to help others. If you always put others first, there is no one left there to give.

g. Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport – so not really a book on eating disorders or body image but a real eye opener. I read this before the Social Dilemma came out on Netflix and this goes through a lot of the same topics on the negatives of social media. However, this is more about how to get back your life outside social media. I went from someone who posted multiple times a week, every moment of her day, to not at all, and I still don’t have the apps on my phone. The book helped me to realise that I didn’t know what I wanted to do any more as I only ever did things that I thought would get likes on Instagram. I started to fill the evenings I had spent scrolling out living a life and the one I wanted to live. A very important step for me in recovery and I noticed a massive change in my mood once I did this.

h. Be Your Own Best Friend: The Glorious Truths of Being Female by Chessie King – I feel like all women should read this book. Chessie is a breathe of fresh air and although we as women are more than our bodies, Chessie helps you to realise that the most important relationship you have is with yourself and that you are stuck with this body so you can either spend your life hating it and punishing it or just start loving it.

i. More Than a Body by Lexie Kite and Lyndsay Kite – I found a lot of the books on body positivity easier to understand and get on board with when I was thinner. But I’ll be honest, when I started to put on weight the concept of body positivity became harder. My body was changing every week, so I didn’t know how to love it. The minute I would accept it, it would change again, and I was back at square one. But this book goes beyond body positivity and teaches us to see ourselves as more than a body. To think of our bodies as instruments for doing the things we want to do, rather than ornaments to be looked at.

j. No Period Now What by Dr. Nicola Rinaldi – my most recent read. After regaining weight, no longer feeling cold all of the time and feeling like I could laugh again, my period still hasn’t come back. This book led me to going to the doctors and learning more about why this could be happening and to then reaching out to a therapist to help understand my body image issues in order to reduce my stress levels. Can be shocking to read at first as I certainly wasn’t ready for this approach last year but have now come to terms with the fact that I just have to try it. As I have nothing left to lose.

3. Podcasts – I’m a big fan of podcasts. I started with the first one below and then found more through listening to the podcasts of Laura’s guests. A nice snippet into a concept without reading a whole book and a nice listen for a walk.

a. Don’t Salt My Game by Laura Thomas – lots of interviews with people that have gone through similar experiences and come through the other side, a helpful listen and a nice accompaniment to her book.

b. Train Happy by Tally Rye – Tally has lots of energy and passion for finding fun ways to move. She interviews people on topics to do with intuitive movement, exercise and body image. She also has a book that I am yet to read.

c. Food Psych Podcast with Christy Harrison – I listened to a couple of episodes of this alongside Don’t Salt My Game at the start and helped understand some more of the science.

d. Holistic Health Radio with Sarah Liz King – an interesting podcast to understand more about Hypothalamic Amenorrhea (no period due to too much exercise, stress or undereating) and helpful tips for getting your period back!

4. Family and Friends – this was a hard one for me. Admitting I was wrong and that I had gone too far after a long time of telling people they didn’t understand and that I was fine. But ultimately, I found that by being honest I had nothing to fear as it was all out there and that by being open about my struggles I could potentially help someone else from having to go through what I did.

This is a bit of a work in progress list and I will continue to add to it as I go but I hope you find it helpful. I can only offer advice from my experiences but ultimately if you are struggling a therapist, registered dietitian or a doctor may be the best place to start.

[rediscoveringmichelle]

Going All In.

This time last year, I vowed to recover from my eating disorder. To remove the rules that I had imposed on myself around my eating and exercise habits. I was no longer cold all of the time, was able to enjoy social occasions with friends and had become less rigid in my routines. But still something was missing. My period.

I had heard of people losing their periods due to over-exercising or under-eating but having been on the pill for the majority of that time in my life, I was shielded from the damage I was doing to myself. And to be honest, I also thought it slightly convenient to not have a period. I didn’t really understand the negative side effects it could be having on my bones. But even after 8 months of being off the pill nothing was happening.

I consulted my doctor who ran blood tests, which suggested my hormone levels were normal. Normal for someone early on in their cycle but never peaking. She suggested I reduce my stress levels and speak to a therapist. That made it sound so simple. I also started to read up about girls who had gone through a similar experience to me and had managed to resume their cycles. They suggested going ‘All in’, by cutting out all forms of high-intensity exercise, eating a minimum of 2500 calories a day and eating whenever and whatever your body craved. The term had been coined by Dr. Nicola Rinaldi in her book ‘No period, now what?’ and the approach had now been used by thousands of women to regain their periods.

After reading the book from cover to cover, I realised how much damage I was doing to myself. That if I continued the way I was going, running or exercising every morning without eating beforehand and then waiting a few hours to eat breakfast, I would likely develop osteopenia – if I hadn’t already. That could mean I could end up in a wheelchair, unable to walk very far, let alone run. So, I decided to go ‘All in’. Completely cut out exercise and eat whenever and whatever I wanted – even when that meant getting up at 3am for a snack. The way I saw it, the more ‘in’ I was, the sooner my cycle would resume and the sooner I could go back to running and moving so I could lose some of the weight I had gained.

6 weeks ticked by. 6 weeks of near daily cramps, headaches, bizarre bowel movements, aches, pains, fatigue. Still nothing. I was sure it was coming. Every time I went to the toilet, I prayed I would see red. But nothing came. My mood was swinging like a pendulum. The highs from the realisation that I could live a life not consumed by when I would exercise or eat. Then dipping into severe despair at how my body was changing, the weight pilling on, my clothes not fitting. Every time I caught myself in a shop window, or in the mirror, I hoped it would change but there I was. Still the same person, a few pounds heavier each day. Journaling and meditation helped slightly but no amount of it could help me make peace with my body. I began to realise that although I had removed the stress exercise was having on my body, my stress around how I looked had replaced it. If I was really going to get better, I would have to learn to not let how I looked affect how I saw myself so much. This would need to be a lifestyle change, not a quick fix. After weeks of not hearing from the NHS appointed therapist, I signed up for therapy privately, with a lady called Liz, who specialises in body image and eating disorder recovery.

And that’s where I am now. I would love to be finishing this by saying I now accept my body and love it no matter what. That my period has come back, and I am back exercising in a way that celebrates what my body can do and not punishing it for the way it looks. That I am fueling myself with enough carbs and protein before I move and living my life doing the stuff I love most. But that’s not the case. Therapy is helping, opening up my eyes to the core beliefs I have developed about myself and gradually dispelling them. But it’s not as simple as turning on a light switch. My body is smarter than that. It needs to learn to trust me again. To trust that I have done the work and won’t be so quick to punish it or change it again as soon as it starts working. Who knows how long this might take but I have learnt that sitting around, waiting for it to return won’t make it come back. But getting out, living my life and not letting my appearance hold me back could help heal my relationship with myself, reduce my stress and in turn let my body trust in me again.

© Michelle McCarthy July 2021

[rediscoveringmichelle]

They see me scrolling... The Impact of Social Media on Body Image

Growing up I was aware of the impact that the media could have on body image, particularly when it came to women. I was told about how Kate Moss’s ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’ cover shoot, coincided with an upward trend in anorexia in young women. However, I was vastly unaware of how much the media, and in particular social media, was having an impact on how I felt about myself, my health and my life in general. How it led to my desire to be thin, my fear of putting on weight and my focus on health through exercise and diet. On top of this it led to an increased level of perfectionism in what I ate and how I portrayed myself online and a mistrust for my body’s natural cues.

I downloaded Instagram for the first time in 2012, roughly two years after it first launched. It was very different to Facebook, which was the main social media site at the time. On Facebook I tended to bulk upload my entire camera reel of poorly taken photos from college nights out or holidays abroad. However, on Instagram I was limited to one photo upload at a time. This meant I had to be selective in what aspects of my life I chose to share. I would spend hours scrolling through my camera reel, analysing each photo and deciding which one I wanted the world to see. What image I wanted to portray of myself and my life. I would add filters to increase the brightness of my face, crop the photo to remove any display of my body not looking quite the shape I wanted and deepen my skin tone for times of the year when I was less tanned.

Instagram also allowed me to follow people I didn’t know. Lifestyle and fitness bloggers sharing daily updates on what they ate, where they went and giving advice to followers on how to live their best lives. Around the time when I started to try and lose weight and get fit, I started to follow fitness bloggers for both advice and inspiration. Tips on how to ignore my bodies cues, workout videos that would help me burn fat quick or snack ideas that were less than 100 calories. They would also provide inspiration for me through sharing before and after photos of their weight loss. The amount of likes and comments of congratulation only reinforced my belief that if I followed what they did I would be more worthy of love and belonging. I trusted my phone, my tracker and social media more for advice on what, when and how to eat than I did my bodies’ own internal cues. I took unqualified advice from bloggers to drink fizzy drinks, go for a walk or eat an apple to stave off my hunger signals.

I constantly compared my real life, to these perfectly presented, Instagram filtered versions of people’s lives. After working out for 2 hours in the morning, if I saw someone post a workout video or about their run as I rested on the couch, I would immediately feel lazy and condemn myself for not doing enough. I had no idea what I even liked doing any more. I was either doing something or going somewhere because I saw someone go online or because I knew it would provide a good photo for my Instagram feed, where I would be rewarded in likes and comments from friends. If I didn’t get enough likes I would immediately feel sad that the experience wasn’t good enough, ignoring how I actually felt about it at the time. Constantly seeing pictures of people’s perfectly presented plates of food, led me to develop an irrational fear of eating anything that didn’t look perfect. Forget how it tasted, it felt like a waste of calories if I couldn’t share it online. I would take a thousand pictures of my bowl of porridge, trying to get the right lighting and angle so that it would be cold by the time I actually came to eat it. I still find myself comparing my life now to a few years ago. Looking back and thinking how thin or happy I used to look and feeling envy for my former self, forgetting just how edited those moments were.

I took these bloggers words as gospel, convinced that if I followed what they said and did I would be healthy. Between government announcements about your 5 a day or getting 150 minutes of exercise a week, wellness podcasts and events taking off and social media bloggers on the rise, health was the new thinness craze. It was like there was this halo around health, that if I was healthy then I was a better person. I also developed a false sense of security that if I followed exactly what these bloggers said and did then I would be safe from any negative health risks or diseases that my parents had suffered with. In fact, the opposite turned out to be true. I was so obsessed with getting fit, exercising to the extreme and losing weight that I ended up losing my period, now labelled the sixth vital sign. I also received a huge blow when my smear result came back with abnormal cells and as HPV positive. I was shocked, grief stricken. Doctors told me that sometimes your body can fight it and clear the virus naturally, but I was so underweight and weak that my body was too busy trying to stay alive that it was unable to focus any attention on fighting the virus attacking my womb.

The result of my smear was a real wake up call. No amount of running could run me away from this problem. If I wanted to fight the virus I would need to start working with my body, rather than against it. I would need to build back up trust in it and start learning to listen to my internal cues and signals for when, how and what to eat and exercise. I would need to cull my social media feed of these people that didn’t make me feel good or that helped to perpetuate diet culture and its belief that we all need to change our bodies. I have since deleted most social media apps off my phone in order to avoid scrolling and feeling negative about myself. Some days I find myself reaching for it, but I know this tends to be when I already feel low or unsure in who I am. Instead I try to pick up the phone and call a friend or family member. I am also now happy to say that as of December I received a negative HPV result. Through looking after my health from an overall mental and social point of view, not just physical, I have managed to develop a healthy relationship with my body again.

© Michelle McCarthy March 2021

[rediscoveringmichelle]

An Apple a day keeps the cravings away

January 2021, back in London after spending Christmas at home in Ireland with my family. This time had been a very different experience to the last. Freer, both mentally and physically. The last time I had been home was at the beginning of the global pandemic, restricted to the 2km radius of my home in Clontarf, North Dublin. However, on this occasion not only had restrictions been lifted by the Taoiseach for the Christmas period, I had lifted my own restrictions too. The beginning of the pandemic was the turning point of my recovery and now, 9 months later, I was no longer limiting myself to 3 healthy meals per day, with no snacks and a strict schedule of two 10km runs per week and a minimum 2 and half hours of walking per day. I felt happier and healthier than I had been in years, able to relax and enjoy late night glasses of wine and mince pies with my parents, meals out with friends and the odd day of rest and relaxation with nothing but a few hours of TV to pass the day. It didn’t matter how much weight I had put on; I had gained my life and laugh back, and I would be forever grateful for the lesson I had learnt thanks to this awful pandemic. That making myself thinner and fitter, didn’t make me any happier. And that being physically healthy is nothing if you destroy your mental and social health too.

January 2018 was really where it all began. Recently single and having spent a lot of my newfound freedom on nights out, eating takeaways and drinking large volumes of alcohol, I had understandably put on a bit of weight. The guy I had been seeing, suddenly stopped texting me and I felt rejected. My parents were back to living their lives after their run-ins with poor health. Dad back to smothering his toast in thick layers of butter and Mum loving her newfound ‘real-Mum’ life of Pilates and coffee catch ups since selling her practice for good. I was no longer needed. Mum didn’t need me to drive her to chemo or cook my Dad his no red meat, no oil, no salt dinners. I felt anxious as they went back to living their lives. No longer able to control them, especially my dad. I couldn’t force him into living a by-the-book healthy lifestyle. But I figured what I could control was myself. I could be the healthiest person I could possibly be. And with the added benefit of making that guy wish he’d never let me go. My perfectionist self would ensure that I would be the perfect picture of health. No cheating, no dieting, just a new lifestyle. A new me. One I could love.

I scoured the internet for all the advice on changing your lifestyle, getting fit and losing weight. Running apparently boosted your metabolism and was an efficient way to burn calories and fat. So, I started by running 5km, three times a week. Weights would help then to reduce my body fat and tone up so I coupled the running with strength training in the gym, also three times a week. I pounded out Kelsey Wells workout routines, while listening to ‘This is me’ from The Greatest Showman, a song about not being afraid to show the world exactly who you are, as I was ironically punishing my body into a shape that was not naturally me. I strictly followed Dad’s cardiologist’s advice and cooked everything from scratch, substituting beef mince for turkey mince and not using oil, butter or salt in my cooking. I cut out all snacks and limited myself to three meals per day. Social Media became my home ground for weight loss advice. ‘You’re not hungry, you’re thirsty. Drink some water.’ ‘No pain, no gain.’ ‘Ignore your cravings and they will eventually go away.’ ‘Craving sugar? Have an apple instead’. Each day would end with eating an apple to stave off the cravings and to quieten the rumbles in my stomach.

I started weighing my food, tracking everything from litres of water drunk and then steps walked and active minutes of exercise. I upped my runs gradually to 10km, twice a week because social media told me that after running for 35 minutes, you no longer just burn calories, but also fat. And yes, I do realise that anyone who has a degree in anything science related would quickly realise these were all completely made up and not based on fact, but I guess I wanted to believe them. I would believe anything that forced me to push (or punish) myself more. I stopped going out for drinks or dinner with friends. Too many calories and too worried that I wouldn’t be able to get up and run in the morning, unable to flex from the specific days I went running, for fear I would never run again. When I moved to London, I spent my weekends walking 40 thousand steps so that I could then earn a slice of banana bread from Deliciously Ella’s Vegan & Gluten Free Deli. I felt a rush of joy wash over me each time I saw the number on the scales or the minutes of my 10km runs decline, but like a drug, the high didn’t last long. I was addicted. I had no trust in myself. ‘You’re so controlled’, they complimented me. But deep down, I felt like there was a lazy, sugar and fat loving girl inside me. An imposter in a gradually reducing body. Fearing that just one biscuit and I would be back as that unhappy and overweight rejected girl.

I really believed that being thinner and looking like those girls I idolised on Instagram would make me happier. They were all smiling, surely that meant they were happy? As the compliments turned to concern, I felt that surely people were just jealous of how much weight I had managed to lose. Weight loss was something to be proud of, wasn’t it? The truth of it all didn’t hit me until the pandemic. As I sat up in my bed struggling to breathe on the night of the Taoiseach’s first lockdown announcement, I started to wonder what I was really fearing. During a time when people were dying, all I could fear was not being able to exercise enough and being locked up in a house full of food. I feared putting on weight and relinquishing control. I felt trapped with nothing to look forward to. Holidays cancelled and my boyfriend of two months at home with his family 167km away in Belfast. That was my rock bottom.

In an effort to cheer myself up I started to make a list of all the things I wanted to do post lockdown. Have date nights in with my boyfriend, making pizzas, ordering takeaways and eating breakfast in bed. Then the excitement of getting to do these things started to dwindle as the anxiety crept in, as I tried to count up how much exercise I would need to do in order to earn those nights. A day in bed with no exercise? Nope, that’s a no go. And that’s when it hit me. I had made myself thin, with the thought that then I would be lovable and that then I could enjoy my life. But I was thinner, thinner than I’d been since I was a preteen and I still wouldn’t let myself go enough to do the things I deeply wanted to do. To let myself enjoy life. How freeing it would be to just, let go!

My love for learning kicked in and I made the decision to start reading up and educating myself. I came across a book my mum had not so subtly left lying around the house. ‘Just Eat it – How Intuitive eating can help you get your shit together around food’ by Laura Thomas. I didn’t believe I had an eating disorder until I started reading her book. As she listed off the disorders, she then came to Orthorexia – defined as an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating or over exercising. ‘When was the last time you even asked yourself what you’d like instead of what you ‘can’ or ‘should’ eat?’ she queried. The sad reality was that I couldn’t remember. ‘We trust our phones more than we trust our bodies’. Well that was certainly true for me. She used science, showing that weight was in fact not a determinant of health but that by exercising, eating healthy and not smoking we could be healthy, regardless of our size. That eating a donut didn’t in fact negate the nutrients of the carrot we ate earlier. And that white flour was actually infused with calcium and that those carbs are what give us energy to move and enjoy life. My eyes gradually opened to all the lies diet culture had taught me and I felt empowered.

I moved on to more books and podcasts and started culling my social media feed of anyone that didn’t make me feel good. I started following intuitive eating dietitians and anti-diet advocates. Following people of all shapes and sizes and realising how biased our society is towards people in smaller bodies. Not just the size of airplane seats but assuming that all health issues experienced by fat people can be solved by weight loss. I learnt that the night sweats I had been experiencing, the pretty much non-existent sex drive and the inability to maintain body heat for any length of time were in fact all side effects of the restricted eating and over-exercising. Half the time I didn’t even look as thin as I had become because I was wearing so many layers of clothes in order to keep warm. Walking around the house with a hot water bottle strapped to my waist and wearing a fur coat indoors while out for dinner with friends. Only now can I laugh at the image of it. I started to make a list of all the things I would gain through gaining weight and glancing back over it now, I have gained all of these and more. My headspace, my laughter, my body heat and a fantastic relationship that I thankfully didn’t destroy because of my restrictive, anxious mind-set.

My recovery hasn’t been easy. The steps toward eating intuitively start with banishing your food rules and allowing yourself to eat what you want. A process that takes time before you can start tuning into your hunger and fullness cues again and introducing gentle nutrition. It involved allowing myself to devour entire tubs of Oatly chocolate fudge ice-cream, multiple evenings per week. Making my way through all the delicious Deliveroo takeaway options London had to offer – Honest Burgers red meat beef burgers with rosemary salted fries, Franco Manca pizzas, with all the toppings, and Kin & Deum Thai curries, with full fat coconut milk. Gradually I started being able to listen to my body and trust it. Whether it hungered for a salmon stir-fry or was seeking out a slice of chocolate cake. The interesting thing being, that months later it now craves nutritious food the majority of the time. And that by allowing it to have higher sugar or fat containing foods whenever it wants, I no longer feel out of control around them. I no longer find myself devouring three large sized bags of crisps in one sitting, overtaken by the fear that I will never let myself eat them again.

I have days where I find myself critiquing my larger thighs in the mirror but instead of allowing the thoughts consume me, I allow them float by with curiosity and continue about my day knowing that the way I look doesn’t define me and that the greatest things about me have nothing to do with my body shape or size. I am a thoughtful friend, who prides herself at remembering important moments in friends’ lives. A courageous girl who isn’t afraid to try new things, whether that be travelling solo across Vietnam or signing up to a surf and yoga retreat in Cornwall. A creative person who loves to draw and a lifelong learner that is open to new ideas and wants to challenge her way of thinking. My body will change a lot over the next 50 plus years of my life, but the great thing is that thanks to freeing myself from the disease, I get to look forward to the possibility of being alive for that long and to enjoying every waking moment, no longer postponing life for when I look or am a certain way.

© Michelle McCarthy January 2021