Don't Lie To Me

You think I don't know? Tch. You can't hide it from me.

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

Look. I'm just here to refute things and show you the truth behind that food safety blog.

[Panda Here: New! Directory Under the Cut!]

The Beginning of Food Safety Verse

Cultivation Conference Nonsense

WangXian Wedding

Grey Death Drama

Bunny-daoren's Panic

Jin Ling's Warning

Jin Ling's Search - [1] [2] [3] [4] [5]

Jin Ling's Revelation

Confrontation and Resolve

Nighthunting Gone Wrong [x]

Wei Wuxian's Late Warning

Madam Yu Returns To Rumours

"A-Mei! Where's my super suit? Pack Our Bags!"

Swamp Hunting - [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7]

The Nephew Storm (TBD)

To be added....

[foodsafety-withmoxuanyu]

What did you do to those poor pheasants?

Did Jiang Cheng tell you something? He exaggerates

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

It took years for the pheasant population to recover from your hunting.

[foodsafety-withmoxuanyu]

Are you suggesting that all the shidi and shimei didn't deserve to eat good, hearty food after every milestone? Are you suggesting that I shouldn't have rewarded their achievements? Or worse, that I favor some of our lovely disciples but not others??

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

There was other food, like, oh I don't know, pork, duck, beef, fish even! It didn't need to always be pheasant! You can make any dish special for a milestone, idiot! Not just one.

[foodsafety-withmoxuanyu]

Ok ok ok

Let's try a thought experiment.

Lets say that when I got Suibian, Jiang-shushu had pheasant served. Then when you got your Sandou, he had duck served.

How would that make you feel?

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

That we both had bird for meals. What does it matter? We both could have had chicken and my parents still would have found something to fight about.

[foodsafety-withmoxuanyu]

I... can't tell if this is a good attitude to have or a bad one...

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

Well that's what happened, so better not to think about it.

[foodsafety-withmoxuanyu]

What did you do to those poor pheasants?

Did Jiang Cheng tell you something? He exaggerates

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

It took years for the pheasant population to recover from your hunting.

[foodsafety-withmoxuanyu]

Are you suggesting that all the shidi and shimei didn't deserve to eat good, hearty food after every milestone? Are you suggesting that I shouldn't have rewarded their achievements? Or worse, that I favor some of our lovely disciples but not others??

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

There was other food, like, oh I don't know, pork, duck, beef, fish even! It didn't need to always be pheasant! You can make any dish special for a milestone, idiot! Not just one.

[foodsafety-withmoxuanyu]

Ok ok ok

Let's try a thought experiment.

Lets say that when I got Suibian, Jiang-shushu had pheasant served. Then when you got your Sandou, he had duck served.

How would that make you feel?

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

That we both had bird for meals. What does it matter? We both could have had chicken and my parents still would have found something to fight about.

[foodsafety-withmoxuanyu]

What did you do to those poor pheasants?

Did Jiang Cheng tell you something? He exaggerates

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

It took years for the pheasant population to recover from your hunting.

[foodsafety-withmoxuanyu]

Are you suggesting that all the shidi and shimei didn't deserve to eat good, hearty food after every milestone? Are you suggesting that I shouldn't have rewarded their achievements? Or worse, that I favor some of our lovely disciples but not others??

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

There was other food, like, oh I don't know, pork, duck, beef, fish even! It didn't need to always be pheasant! You can make any dish special for a milestone, idiot! Not just one.

[foodsafety-withmoxuanyu]

What did you do to those poor pheasants?

Did Jiang Cheng tell you something? He exaggerates

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

It took years for the pheasant population to recover from your hunting.

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

I am a Sect Leader, not a search engine or something to put items on your shopping list or whatever.

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

Direct your attention to the text above and cease these inanities.

[soapselling-withanon]

Please sir, this was not my intention

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

Intention or not, the consequences of your actions have shown enough.

[soapselling-withanon]

I'm just trying to feed my wife and 10 kids!

[debates-with-zhuxiongdaoren]

I thought it was 12 kids...

[blacksheep28]

Suggestion: hire a pack of fox maned hyenas to keep out intruders

No, wait

There's enough water, we could probably fit a black deep one nest in there!

[debates-with-zhuxiongdaoren]

Gongzi and/or Guniang. That would help exactly no one and in fact present a danger to our common people of Lotus Pier. We care about their health and safety.

[blacksheep28]

They can be trained! They make good companions when they're trained. The black deep ones would honestly be easier since you're starting with eggs, but it would take longer before they'd make a good defense.

Still, they are very charming! You can train them to do all sorts of things! As long as the task is not too complicated. Preferably one task at a time.

[debates-with-zhuxiongdaoren]

૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა That is not reassuring.

[blacksheep28]

It's better than the koi crocodiles someone bred for their security!

[debates-with-zhuxiongdaoren]

/ᐠ • ˕ •マ ? Hah?

[blacksheep28]

Well, the idea behind the project was that crocodiles are really good at killing things, but koi are much prettier.

So they looked at using cultivation methods to encourage certain traits from the crocodiles to form on the koi.

Unfortunately while they did get beautiful long tailed kois with deadly quills, clawed fins, and a mouthful of fangs, the koi not only retained their ability to jump to high heights but also developed a taste for anything that existed near them!

[debates-with-zhuxiongdaoren]

૮꒰ ྀི ⩌﹏⩌ ྀི꒱ა I'm sorry I asked...

[blacksheep28]

And that's why that project was cancelled.

But I am a much more reasonable expert for such situations!

[debates-with-zhuxiongdaoren]

૮꒰ ྀི¬_¬ ྀི꒱ა Well. The offer/suggestion is... appreciated... but YunmengJiang security is just fine, thank you.

[blacksheep28]

But cute beasts?

[debates-with-zhuxiongdaoren]

૮꒰ ྀི¬_¬ ྀི꒱ა Jiang-zongzhu has just reminded me that there is a strict no beast policy in Lotus Pier. How that had escaped my memory...

[blacksheep28]

There is only one possible course of action then

I'm going to go chase the pheasants

[debates-with-zhuxiongdaoren]

૮꒰ ྀི •̀⤙•́ ྀི꒱ა On account of a certain shixiong, chasing pheasants is prohibited in Lotus Pier. Any violators found, will be prosecuted swiftly and violently.

[blacksheep28]

What? Nooo! How am I meant to survive?

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

Complain to @foodsafety-withmoxuanyu. The pheasant population is only just recovering from his careless actions.

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

I am a Sect Leader, not a search engine or something to put items on your shopping list or whatever.

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

Direct your attention to the text above and cease these inanities.

[soapselling-withanon]

Please sir, this was not my intention

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

Intention or not, the consequences of your actions have shown enough.

[soapselling-withanon]

I'm just trying to feed my wife and 10 kids!

[debates-with-zhuxiongdaoren]

I thought it was 12 kids...

[soapselling-withanon]

We had to abandon two in the woods! We couldn't afford to feed them!

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

Report to Lotus Pier to receive punishment for your crimes of abandonment and negligence.

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

I am a Sect Leader, not a search engine or something to put items on your shopping list or whatever.

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

Direct your attention to the text above and cease these inanities.

[soapselling-withanon]

Please sir, this was not my intention

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

Intention or not, the consequences of your actions have shown enough.

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

[Our intrepid duo walks into a nearby inn]

"Anyway, Lan Zhan I was thinking, it's such a shame that we came all the way out here for nothing, and it's been almost a year since our last wedding. How about after we get all this mud washed off we reenact our first wedding night-

[Wwx spots jc&wzm calmly eating at a table]

YOU! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!

[Jiang Cheng pauses in taking a drink, hastily setting down his cup as he leans heavily on the table to laugh* and Zhuxiong Daoren looking over her shoulder- chopsticks still held at her mouth as if she'd just taken a bite of food- to see what had caused such a reaction]

Pfft-! Hahahahah! You-! I can't believe-!

[Jiang Cheng buries his face in the crook of his elbow to continue snickering while Zhuxiong Daoren hastily turns to chew and swallow her food]

*muffled behind a sleeve* Perhaps Wei-shixiong and his husband would like to clean before joining us for a drink?

(* and tags under the cut)

Tags: @foodsafety-withmoxuanyu & @jinlingsgayestuncle

*JC is lent over like this meme

I know there is an edit somewhere, but I couldn't find it.

[foodsafety-withmoxuanyu]

I knew we should've brought those rags with us!

How dare you interfere with my beautiful, beautiful talisman! With rags! How did you even get so many rags covered in your own blood! Have you been stockpiling them like a crazy person!? We're covered in half a swamp because of you!

AND! As if all of that wasn't enough, you flirted with Lan Zhan! Over voice message! Your mother goes on a strange rant and so you decide to act like a feral looney! I can't believe you!

[debates-with-zhuxiongdaoren]

*smiling icily* Wei. Shi. Xiong. Only you think he was flirting with your husband. I'm told you are smarter than you act. Please demonstrate this fact.

Please. Go. Bathe.

[foodsafety-withmoxuanyu]

How do I know that my darling shidi won't disappear again while we're gone? I want collateral.

( @jinlingsgayestuncle Lan Zhan, we'll have to put our third wedding on hold for now. Will you see about getting us the sturdiest bathtub here? We will need to bathe at some point)

[debates-with-zhuxiongdaoren]

Seeing as you don't have Madam Yu with you, you can be assured that we aren't leaving any time soon.

[foodsafety-withmoxuanyu]

Alright... still can't believe you two just ran out of Lotus Pier and left her in charge.

Actually, since it might take Lan Zhan a while to find a tub up to snuff, let me ask you guys what was up with her weird behavior anyway?

[debates-with-zhuxiongdaoren]

The only person I left in charge was you. So if anyone is at fault about that....

And weird behaviour? I know not what you mean. I have not even had the dubious honour of meeting an esteemed woman such as herself. And Cheng- Jiang-zongzhu- [Zhuxiong Daoren gestures to the man across from her in emphasis] -clearly has no wish to speak with you while you are as you are. So, unfortunately, you must wait for any answers on any weird or otherwise behaviour.

[foodsafety-withmoxuanyu]

You guys seriously thought that I would actually enter Lotus Pier with

1) Madam Yu in a some kind of mood

2) No other family there

3) Only myself to act as a buffer between her and my husband

Even if I did go, you really think that she'd stand aside and let me run things?

[debates-with-zhuxiongdaoren]

*muffled bitching* Your stupid husband could have been there with your stupid ass. Don't play stupid, Wei Wuxian. You know that A-Niang would leave him alone. I think....

Again, I know nothing of Madam Yu's moods, so I cannot comment.

*more muffled bitching* A-Jie would visit if you asked. Why wouldn't you ask A-Jie to spend time at Lotus Pier. Get her away from those good-for-nothing Jin for awhile. Heaven's sake! Find where our that nephew has holed up and drag him home for a visit!

[foodsafety-withmoxuanyu]

I noticed that neither one of you can look me in the eye and say that Madam Yu would actually let me run Lotus Pier even if I had tried to

[Sigh] but I'm willing to admit that we'll get nowhere as long as he's [points at jc] all sulky and I'm irritated about how much mud I'm covered in. I think there's even a twig in my shoe.

I'm going to help Lan Zhan pick out a tub, our evening is ruined anyway. We'll get this whole mess sorted out after.

AlsoI'mstealingyoursoapokaythanksbye

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

[Jiang Cheng quickly straightens to level the other man with a glare only to be greeted with his retreating back] No you're-!

Whatever. It's not like he'll find the soaps we actually use. Or anything of ours, really.

*more quietly* Laopo, you made sure to set those talismans right?

*equally quiet with a faux-innocent grin* Of course, Laogong.

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

Please sir I'm but a humble soap salesman. I have a wife and 12 kids and only soap to feed them with

... What kind of lie is that?

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

You know what's a great way to deal with boredom?

Causing problems!

No.

To all of that.

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

Please sir I'm but a humble soap salesman. I have a wife and 12 kids and only soap to feed them with

... What kind of lie is that?

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

I am a Sect Leader, not a search engine or something to put items on your shopping list or whatever.

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

Direct your attention to the text above and cease these inanities.

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

Creepy, oddly specific, and insulting. Go away before you choke out your last breath.

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

I am a Sect Leader, not a search engine or something to put items on your shopping list or whatever.

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

[Our intrepid duo walks into a nearby inn]

"Anyway, Lan Zhan I was thinking, it's such a shame that we came all the way out here for nothing, and it's been almost a year since our last wedding. How about after we get all this mud washed off we reenact our first wedding night-

[Wwx spots jc&wzm calmly eating at a table]

YOU! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!

[Jiang Cheng pauses in taking a drink, hastily setting down his cup as he leans heavily on the table to laugh* and Zhuxiong Daoren looking over her shoulder- chopsticks still held at her mouth as if she'd just taken a bite of food- to see what had caused such a reaction]

Pfft-! Hahahahah! You-! I can't believe-!

[Jiang Cheng buries his face in the crook of his elbow to continue snickering while Zhuxiong Daoren hastily turns to chew and swallow her food]

*muffled behind a sleeve* Perhaps Wei-shixiong and his husband would like to clean before joining us for a drink?

(* and tags under the cut)

Tags: @foodsafety-withmoxuanyu & @jinlingsgayestuncle

*JC is lent over like this meme

I know there is an edit somewhere, but I couldn't find it.

[refutations-by-jiangwanyin]

Psst you smell like 23 frogs

23 frogs? That's an oddly specific number... Hey,Cheng-gege! This one's weird!

What do you- why 23? That is absurdly specific! Creepiness aside from randomly smelling people and then deciding what they smell like, how in the depths of Diyu do you get an oddly specific number out of it??

Dunno, but sure is weird.

Whatever. Just bin it. It's weird and doesn't deserve any more attention than we've given it.