I think I scare him, and that’s why he plays this game of holding me at arm’s length so well.
Because... I wasn’t exactly nice last time.
After a couple of-- (*clears throat*) innocent (enough) sleepovers--he tells me, “You’re really an awesome person and it sucks, but you’re about to move so far away--”
I cut him off. “--Oh, do you think I want this to be a thing? I don’t. We are having fun, but lol, that is all this is. I’m not expecting anything or getting attached. Don’t worry.”
______________________________________________________________
“I miss you,” he texts after I move.
“Oh, lol, don’t do that. I don’t miss you. It’s fine. You can stop pretending now.”
He argues that he’s not just saying it, it’s true.
I argue back that I know he’s not being genuine, and, “it’s fine. I don’t need you to say that. Don’t worry about it.”
________________________________________________________________
And then two years pass. Another relationship ends. And, I am very clear again. “Do not fall in love with me. You will regret it. We will have fun. LOTS of fun. But that is all this is.”
... Because more distance separates us now. The kind of distance that now requires a plane ticket. We aren’t stupid. We refuse to be stupid.
“Let’s actually get to know each other this time, though, so when I visit it isn’t... Completely awkward?” I ask him. He agrees... Which turns into phone calls or Facetiming every. damn. day.
(Like, he’s asking what type of salad dressing I’m using because he actually wants to know. What.)
(And, we’re arguing about politics, but he actually has valid points and wants to hear my perspectives. What.)
And I realize he’s actually... Quite a catch. I knew it before, but now I actually know it...
I tell myself to snap out of it. I’m not stupid. We made rules for this game.What a fantasy, lol, but I’m realistic, and I’m over it. So over it, that I tell my friends who have been following along.
_______________________________________________________________
... And then, a short three weeks later, we happen to find ourselves in the same city. On the same night.
And you’re so rude to me, because you compliment my dress and tell me I’m cute. You look at me in that way that would make any girl want to melt. And maybe that’s just because you’re gorgeous with your overly confident, perfect smile IDK. You insist on buying me a drink (after arguing with me on my visit that girls shouldn’t have their drinks to be paid for by guys). You put your hand on the small of my back and whisper into my ear that you want to go back soon to be alone. You find my hand as we walk back to the cab and hold it tight. You sleep close to me, but you respect boundaries that I’m starting to not want to respect anymore...
_______________________________________________________________
(We get what we deserve, amirite @ old me?)
And I cannot for the life of me get you out of my head.
Is this really just “fun”?
pixelskylines
amandla
