Rehearsing For My Smalltalk With the Hairdresser

An introvert with an advice column

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

Portland 2025

I flew out of St. Louis to get to Portland. Colleagues warned me to "get there early" because, apparently, a week before I was to depart, a horde of 25,000 Mormons wrecked the St. Louis Airport following their annual conference, resulting in clogged lines and toilets. Clogged lines and toilets sucks but my concern was why do Mormons get an "annual" "conference?" The thought of mormons getting their own conference every year is interesting. For other religious, would that just be like a wedding or a funeral? An excuse for a lot of people who otherwise wouldn't see each other to see each other?

When I arrived at St. Louis there was still a bit of a stench lingering in the air; and it was not from anyone actively walking the halls of the airport either; it felt old, stale, and leftover. To make matters worse, the Southwest terminal had a broken AC and it was hot as hellll that day. When my shuttle driver dropped me off, he said he lamented my wait at the gate but added that "You will have beautiful weather waiting for you in Portland."

He was right. A magical five days were had. love you Portland.

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

shyness as a symptom of narcissism

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

Movies in 2026: El Ángel Exterminador

Fantastic. Love it.

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

Movies in 2026: Triangle of Sadness

Just watched Triangle of Sadness. Eight minute standing ovation????????????????

Wiki: "the film had its world premiere at the 75th Cannes Film Festival on 21 May 2022, where it received an eight-minute standing ovation and was awarded the Palme d'Or."

Eight minute standing ovation is undeserved and so pretentious. The best part of the movie was the beginning scene between the two main characters fighting about money, manipulation, and gender roles over dinner. Other than that, the message about capitalism vs. marxism and rich vs. poor were a little bit hit-you-over-the-head widdit. Halfway through the movie, long before the ship crashed on the deserted island where the limits of social graces are typically tested, the themes were clear... yet the movie kept droning on... they crash landed on the island, where sure enough the limits of social graces were tested. etc., etc.

I will say, however, that this movie was unique enough in its ability to directly discuss those themes to warrant some ooh, ok, I see's. The scene where the marxist captain and the eastern european capitalist argue over socialism/marxism/capitalism was, though perhaps contrived, somewhat inspired. This is a feature i think in Nordic cinema that is not really something contemporary American movie director are interested in eliciting. The ending also gave viewer lots of options for interpretation.

After watching Worst Person in the World by another nordic director, Joachim Trier, whose movie brings an awareness of the unconscious that American filmmakers are not really able to do, I said hmm let me try another nordic director. But, I guess I was wrong in assuming all nordic directors are the same??? All of this to say that ToS inspired me to go back to Joachim Trier for another movie by Trier: Sentimental Value.

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

History as Freud’s biggest case study

Is the argument Freud makes to critique Marx the same reason for which historians don’t like Freud, which is that he says there is an inherent irreconcilable lack or gap (different from “alienation”) between the individual and civilization/or his society and not that this lack is historically determined?

From what I’ve read so far it seems Freud extends this argument from his clinical cases. He believes individuals experience a similar lack from ourselves, too. Thus it seems that history is freud’s biggest case study.

I would agree with this, and I also add the following questions: could it also be true that history is necessary to understand the effect of the lack, which is disavowal? And could be also true that “history” meaning “historical events,” meaning “event in the past,” (after all, what is information —from the archives, from the books, from talking —if not “in the past?”) provides the information necessary to understand that disavowal, both as individuals and as a society/civilization?

And if that, then, why examine individuals when it’s all laid out by our collective past?

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

Lone Star (1996)

Watched Lone Star again and it was so refreshing. Still such a relevant cultural artifact that feels could have been made yesterday.

John Sayles gives justice to the aesthetics of the US-mexico border in a way no other outsider (he's a New Yorker) has, IMO.

First time i watched Lone Star was in a grad school history class and of course the themes of borderland politics emerged for me then. This time around, themes of parenthood & disavowal have emerged making this film a much more interesting story which i feel deserves more exploring.

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

DEI is a project of Nationalism

It reminds one of the project of mestizaje in 20th c Mexico.

Maybe not in its violent sense. But maybe so in its features of nationalism: bringing others in. Maybe the bigger question though is:

In a techno-capitalist world increasingly connecting people by other types of criteria via instagram, Tik tok shop, and whatever, why does nationalism so continue to occupy the minds of folks??

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

“You know who loved America? Stalin.”

-Slavoj Zizek

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

Lips of an Angel

"i really miss your hair in my face" is such a silly thing to say about an ex and singing it is a very masculine way to act post-breakup.

All mopey, woe-is-me, pity me this pity me that. This behavior is toxic, self-destructive, and it is plain perverted to dwell in it.

this is not about men being stunted, though.

Women can be masculine, too. Masculinity is the enemy, not men nor women.

i choose to believe the lead singer of Hinder is a philosopher telling us how masculinity can manifest itself post-breakup.

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

Ppl very quickly get bored.

Boredom leads to a loneliness loop where all we do is seek newness.

Instant gratification.

Find newness in the old.

Rediscover.

Return to what you love.

That will always be the answer.

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

Thought I could get a full time job to finance my writing career. Turns out having a full-time job is almost too full-time-consuming to even think about writing.

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

El criticón (tomo 1 de 2)

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

What you tell yourself now matters later.

In the depths of a depression wave earlier this morning i remembered that the things your brain hears in the moment don't really catch on until much later. So be careful with what you are saying to yourself in the moment because it will either be your peace or your torment later.

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

Hi Colleen

Hi Colleen,

I'm out in my trailer right now. we got a 15 minute smoke break and goddamn I need it. These kids are drivin me up a fuckin wall right now. My ears are ringing from all their screaming n shit and I can't get these godforsaken songs outta my head.

Anyway, I just wanna say I miss you and miss our crazy sexcapades. Member when we ran off to Vegas and maxed out Charlie's AmEx card? Shitty boss but he paid for our wedding that night. Listen, I miss you and I hope you can forgive me one day.

"Where's Barney? We need Barney!" The show runner called from the set.

He groaned, grabbed the big purple dino mask and flicked his cigarette out the window into the 100 degree day. The cigarette landed on the hot asphalt and Barney the Purple Dinosaur emerged from his trailer.

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

If you got your creativity back, what would you do?

[rehearsingformysmalltalk]

"Read to live."

-me quoting joan didion to myself when I'm lying wide awake at 3AM consumed by the fear of death for no reason. And then i get up to go read a book and it's all better