What Yuuri Presented to Victor: Life and Love
GPF Banquet (and a little after that) thoughts. [Spoiler warning! Also, sorry, I think my tumblr font size might be small. I’ll change when I have time]
A/N: I wasn’t supposed to post this yet, I had a completely different direction from this initially but got derailed because I had a few realizations that I feel like the fandom hasn’t quite touched on (or maybe some people have but I haven’t come across them) so I decided to post this as a standalone. What I wanted to write initially will come at a later time. Also, I overuse the parenthesis. This has 3000+ words and I’m on my finals week. WHY. Also I use the Yuuri spelling to distinguish from Yuri P. (But then decided to call Yuri P Yurio lol.)
Ever since ep 7, I’ve been constantly asking for a Victor backstory. I ship Victuuri. I knew the creators were portraying them as a balanced, healthy relationship. A relationship between equals, a relationship of give and take. But as I watched thru ep 7, 8 and even after episode 9, I thought something was missing. Most of the things we know came from Yuuri’s PoV. We know how much Yuuri receives from the relationship. But what does Victor get out of it? I craved the backstory (oh, I’ve read my share of Stammi Vicino, No Te Ne Andere metas, I’ve probably read them all tbh) that explicitly showed us what Yuuri means to Victor. I wanted an affirmation that Victor is getting as much out of the relationship as Yuuri is.
I do believe Victor is a classic case of “It’s lonely at the top.” In fact, there is a Chinese song that I like that probably describes Victor’s dilemma, a winner’s burden (I’m picking out random verses):
When the dark night wake up the daybreak Speaking of this life More dawn I see More stranger to me Chasing around with my dream Which part you like Which part you don’t Thank you all the same for watching it When the flood tides become ebb tides When the streetlight all dies When I’m tired of the sky Want to fall into the ocean Who’s gonna catch me when I fall Are you Who’s gonna catch me when I fall Are you They keep telling me that I am the chosen one So I have to act like the one all the time It’s hard to confess all the weakness when I start to tell Even they are more than I could take You think you know it all Only I know what every sleepless night means to me Before luckiness arrives eventually - Catch Me When I Fall, 鹿晗
In my head, I believe Victor is an orphan or at the very least estranged from his family. He only knew skating, thrived in it in fact, but did not have quite so many truly close friends. But he was reaching the age when the gold medals start to not matter, when he knows he’s not getting any younger and eventually his body is not going to hold out anymore. It’s a dilemma at this age when you’ve achieved a lot of your goals but don’t know what to do with the rest of your life. He knows he’s about to close a chapter of his life but he still doesn’t know how to open a new one. Yurio pretty much voices this out, Victor has lost inspiration and motivation from the sport that he used to love so much.
He’s probably been feeling it all the while he came up with Stammi Vicino (which I believe was made before Yuuri came literally dancing into his life). But until episode 10, this was all conjecture, a collective fandom headcanon about Victor. Episode 10, while not completely confirming it, affirmed that headcanon: Victor was lonely, he wanted more from life (probably love) but did not know how to get it.
And then came Yuuri. (I do agree that the commemorative photo scene came before the banquet.) It makes sense that Victor who’s been snubbed by this competitor is suddenly intrigued by him during the banquet.
In fact, just at the moment I wrote this section, I realized something that people seem to ignore (or not quite think about?). Victor must have known Yuuri, at least as a competitor, even before that scene when he asked for a commemorative photo. Victor, as seen in ep 10, knows his competition. He knows Chris, of course, and he has a few things to say about even the quiet Otabek. I kinda believe that even before the Grand Prix Finals started, he has heard of this late bloomer Katsuki Yuuri who had great spins and step sequences. He would not have singled out Yuuri of course, but he probably had studied Yuuri’s (and everyone else’s) routine to know how to adjust his own. We know that the Russians are particularly good at this: Yurio and Victor size up their competition and maximize their routine to ensure they get the higher scores. I do think Victor would have looked up Yuuri at least once if only because he knew nothing about Yuuri and would then have to find out Yuuri’s strengths and weaknesses. It’s unrealistically arrogant for Victor to ignore new competition. You don’t thrive in a sport with that arrogance. And even then, Yakov would not have let him get away with it.
As to why he asked for a commemorative photo, he clearly sensed Yuuri staring and perhaps thought Yuuri was being too shy to ask so he initiated it himself.
[Look at him though ;A; How beautiful]
I’m going to throw this here now: I think Victor actually found Yuuri cute or attractive, not just in this scene but maybe even before this. (I’ll talk about that more later.) And then he puzzles over Yuuri’s reaction because why would someone react that way? In a situation like this, let’s admit it, Yuuri was kind of rude. Usually when a person asks to take a photo with you, you either go “Sure” or politely say, “No, no, it’s okay.” Yuuri turned his back and seemed offended. Victor is understandably confused. Why would anyone be offended by being offered to take a photo? And Yuuri had been staring! If he didn’t want a photo with Victor, then what did he want?
And then at the banquet, Victor looked over his shoulder as a dejected Yuuri is dragged by Celestino.
We know Victor kept his eyes on Yuuri closely enough to know that Yuuri had isolated himself and downed glass after glass of champagne. He kept watching Yuuri! It is because of this that I entertained that idea that Victor found Yuuri cute or attractive even before that photo scene or at the very least before the banquet (but then it doesn’t make sense to find someone who just snubbed you attractive). Sure, he must have watched Yuuri because he wanted to ask about that photo scene or maybe even apologize because he seems to have offended Yuuri.
But what affirmed the idea in my head was this: he took photos of Yuuri who was approaching him with a bottle of champagne even before the dance off started. There are two possible reasons for this: 1) that Victor wanted to make fun of this drunk Japanese skater and release those photos or 2) he found Yuuri cute (even in this drunken state) and then “Oh he’s approaching me!”.
So I believe Victor really found Yuuri attractive. Even before the banquet started and probably even before that commemorative photo offer. I mean, it is one thing to be intrigued and puzzled by a person who snubbed you, but you move on from it quite easily especially when you find out that “Ahh, he’s not a people person” or “He must have been really sad.” You don’t glue your eyes on the person who snubbed you unless you care enough (even hurt enough) that he did. You don’t casually whip out your phone and take pictures of a drunk guy (of the guy’s face!) who ignored you unless you’re mean (or you’re friends and you want embarrassing blackmail material) or you find his face pretty and his antics adorable.
Another affirmation is that Victor kept those photos ever since. The rest of the things he had from that night were videos (probably mostly of the Yuuri vs Yuri dance off because you see him recording then and probably of the pole dancing). Naturally, he did not have pictures of his dance with Yuuri and probably just treasured it in his heart. If he did have those, they’re probably taken from someone and kept somewhere else (computer maybe or another folder from Yurio). But those photos, he kept in a special folder that contains ONLY YUURI. Victor was probably attracted to Yuuri even before Yuuri got drunk and attached himself (physically) to Victor. Victor Russian Legend Nikiforov’s heart never stood a chance against Katsuki Katsudon Is My Eros My Foot Yuuri. It is of course a valid argument that Victor kept them because he was attracted to Yuuri AFTER dancing with Yuuri… but why take them in the first place? Yuuri had not started dancing then yet. Somehow, I imagine drunk Yuuri was trying and succeeding to flirt with him already then (even before the dance off began) and was like “Watch me, Victor.” And Victor who has been watching him the entire night was like “Okay sure let me take a picture.”
[And Yuuri’s pretty face]
[And even during the Yuuri vs Yurio dance off he wasn’t paying attention to Yurio. He was taking videos of Yuuri!]
So when the dance off started, Victor took videos of this guy who could not only skate but breakdance and apparently pole dance. The series (and Victor) indirectly highlights that Yuuri dances beautifully (they put emphasis on his step sequences which from what I understand are the more dance-like portions of a skating routine). So there drunken Yuuri was dancing his heart out, with no inhibitions because of the alcohol. That I believe intensified Victor’s attraction (he literally states that he’s drawn to the music that Yuuri’s body makes. Poor Victor really never stood a chance). He must have loved watching Yuuri dance! (In fact, studying Yuuri’s routine before finals must have drawn him in considering how much he likes Yuuri’s step sequences.)
It is after the pole dancing that we find Yuuri uhh… clinging to Victor. I say this because of Chris’ shirtless and sweaty state. Yuuri must have hastily put on his clothes and then spotted Victor and, driven by alcohol-induced euphoria, he came up to Victor and well… you know what happened.
Victor is confused. Why is he clinging to me? What is he talking about? I support the speculation that he was gibbering in Japanese until this moment:
At which point, we see Victor’s eyes do that dilating thing and then he blushed. (It’s beautiful.)
[I’m sorry I’ll go back and find out who made this gif.]
I’m going to dissect this moment into two based on that eye dilation and that blush. The eye dilation is because he is surprised by what Yuuri proposed. Skaters typically go into coaching or choreography when they’re done with competitive skating. It would have been the most logical path for Victor to take. But I think what made this moment so important was Yuuri’s timing and Yuuri’s own dilemma.
At this point, although people rumored that Victor was going to retire, no one seemed to want him to. Even at the time when he was already Yuuri’s coach, people wanted him to drop Yuuri and return to competitive skating. Even Chris (whom we know is Victor’s closest peer in skating) wanted to bring him back to the rink (at least initially). But there Yuuri is presenting him an alternative, literally opening a new door for him and giving him direction, suggesting that Victor could do it. Right now. That he doesn’t have to keep competing if he doesn’t want to. This is where I take that Yuuri is paving the way for a new chapter in Victor’s life.
This offer, Victor probably knows, must mean so much to Yuuri. He has seen Yuuri defeated that night. He must know that Yuuri is contemplating retirement. He must have heard some people whisper about Yuuri’s big loss, perhaps Yurio might even have spoken of that big loser crying in the toilet stall. Victor despite being always the winner must be aware of how this feels. He must have seen many a competitors fall this way. And yet here was Yuuri (yes he was drunk, but we all know that we are truest to our hearts when inebriated like this, and, well, Victor did not know that Yuuri was blank-out “I’ll never remember this” kind of drunk), believing so much in Victor that he thought Victor could help him win. There was naked admiration and raw confidence in Yuuri’s eyes that Victor could do it, that Victor could be a great coach even if coaching is something Victor has never tried. In my opinion, this kind of need and confidence, blind faith even, must have moved Victor. People are not surprised by his skating anymore, and I imagine he felt like people had taken his skating for granted, only expecting him to keep on skating to dazzle them. Yuuri had other ideas for him, and Yuuri was so sure Victor could do it.
And while all this gets processed in Victor’s brain, he blushes. If he indeed felt attracted to Yuuri before the banquet or was increasingly getting attracted to Yuuri as the banquet progressed, the blush can be easily explained. I mean, come on, do you blush if someone propositions you to be his coach? No. You think about it seriously. You say: “I’ll think about it.” Or knowing Victor, he could have accepted it as a playful challenge. He likes challenges, hence the Eros vs. Agape showdown. He also likes challenging Yuuri.
[I had to put this. I love this exchange. And post ep 10 it’s so….. lkfajl because he was lowkey flirting with Yuuri.]
And it’s not the clinging that has made Victor blush. Yuuri has been clinging to him all the while by then. I am not a believer of love at first sight, but I am a believer of powerful attraction. He was attracted to Yuuri and was increasingly drawn to Yuuri as the night progressed, And then he finds out that Yuuri wants him too, in more ways than one - as a coach, and as Victor.
I think a lot of people dismiss Yuuri’s initial feelings for Victor as simple, platonic idolization. (Hence people flippantly concluding that Victor fell in love first.) But in this post, we see that the language used for his Yuuri’s yearning for Victor was indeed wistful. I’ll take it Yuuri longed to make a connection with Victor.
[Boy, at this scene, you literally hear him gasp and immediately think his heart skipped a beat when he thought Victor was calling him. I wonder though how attuned he is to Victor to know Victor’s voice when they probably hardly ever talked. I imagine every little conversation was treasured in his heart. ;A; ]
Yuuri’s reaction to the first time he sees Victor is awe and and childish infatuation. While it is true that he idolized Victor as a god, it does not mean he did not want a romantic connection. You don’t have a person’s posters all over your room and name your dog after that person without wanting that person for yourself. A lot of us have idols and I’m sure given a chance we’d want them for ourselves.
And Victor is more than that to Yuuri! While Victor is not the reason Yuuri started skating, Victor is the reason Yuuri strove hard and did everything he could to be on the same rink as Victor and to stand on the same podium. True, this is not love in its purest form, but it still puts Yuuri somewhere at the point of being half in love with Victor already. It is easy to dismiss that and say that Yuuri sees Victor the way Minami sees Yuuri. But then you forget, Yuuri uprooted himself from Japan and lived 5 years in Detroit to train to one day be able to compete with Victor. Minami has not done that. (Yet, I suppose, could be added of course.) But it’s a matter of scale, of how far you’re willing to go to for a person who has inspired you. Very few people have the willingness to go that far, and with Yuuri’s anxiety, this is actually very, very far. This is not to discount that Yuuri really does love skating, but I believe Victor was the motivation to keep going. Even after his big loss, he decides he wants to keep skating because he still wants to compete against Victor.
Besides, the way he reacted to Victor’s arrival in his life tells you that he’s so happy his heart is going to burst. He is, in fact, so happy that you literally feel in your bones how happy he is (if you’re Filipino no other word but “kilig” will describe what Yuuri feels and what Yuuri makes you feel while watching this scene).
That, I believe, is a form of romantic love. While it hasn’t fully developed yet (and it is not as deep or pure as what they have now), the seedlings were already there. Yuuri simply does not connect with his emotions well enough to have acknowledged it himself earlier (I do agree that it is Victor who first realized that he was in love). It seems obvious however that everyone around him can see it, and how he practically threw himself at Victor at the banquet shows you that subconsciously he wants Victor for himself and probably in a sexual/romantic way too. (I got carried away discussing Yuuri’s complicated feelings towards Victor. ;A;)
And so Victor (and everyone else in the banquet) sees that Yuuri does seem to be attracted to him. And if you’re Victor who is slowly realizing that you’re attracted to this heck of a man who just out-danced everyone, and that person happens to be clinging to you and giving you a new importance in life, you’d be blushing too. And this is where Stammi Vicino as a reflection of Victor’s life comes into play. While the song at this point may not be directed at anyone in particular, it shows that Victor longs for romance in his life, he craves that companionship and that kind of love that is another thing (in addition to direction and motivation) that is missing in his life. Again, Yuuri is offering Victor something that he has been craving, and undeniably Victor finds Yuuri attractive enough to think “Why not?”
And so he launches in this dance-off and has the time of his life. He is so happy and his dance partner is so happy and attractive, Victor is simply ecstatic. I do not dare say that Victor fell in love that moment he blushed, but he was getting there and that wonderful dance (again, Victor seems to love how Yuuri dances) may just have made him fall harder. Judging by the way Yuuri treated him and the way Yuuri looked at him while they danced, he definitely knew their attraction was mutual. And Victor, ever the sap, even allowed himself to be led into the dance(s because they seem to have danced quite a few) by this wonderful man.
[Beautiful. Just beautiful.]
I also suppose that despite the fact that Yuuri more or less disappeared from his life (he probably did not take this as “He doesn’t remember, he is not interested any more” sign but more like a thing that happens in competition because Yuuri just was not able to make the cut), Victor cultivated this feeling (perhaps because it is something he has never felt before) all throughout the season to the point that maybe Stammi Vicino has become a plea to Yuuri and enough so that he created the Eros choreography because of Yuuri.
He made himself fall so hard that Yuuri’s skating video was enough to make him drop everything to be Yuuri’s coach (he was probably puzzled that Yuuri’s skills did not bring him to the podium) and because he thought Yuuri was going to fill the love that was missing in his life (taking Yuuri’s skating Stammi Vicino as a sign that Yuuri is still interested in him). I am of the impression that he was okay with leaving Russia for good (he brought everything he owned, I wouldn’t be surprised if he sold his apartment too).
Victor was shooting for the stars. He banked so much in this chancy encounter and on the feelings a drunken Yuuri showed only to feel utterly confused and rejected with he reaches Japan. He must have called himself foolish at one point (or more). But he stayed and plowed on, supporting Yuuri in whichever way he can, which thankfully turned out well for him in the end because he did get the life and love that Yuuri unwittingly offered. (I’ll discuss or more like gush over Victor’s love in another post.)
I’ll just end with this screencap because this moment is literally perfect. If people asked me when Victor fell in love, I’d say “HERE. RIGHT HERE. THIS MOMENT IS WHEN HE FELL IN LOVE.”
[Victor is so happy and Yuuri is smiling at him and they are both panting and Victor just wants more of this kind of feeling and this beautiful man in his life.]
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