This is on a bus back from camp. Iām thirteen and so are you. Before I left for camp I imagined it would be me and three or four other dudes I hadnāt met yet, running around all summer, getting into trouble. It turned out it would be me and just one girl. Thatās you. And weāre still at camp as long as weāre on the bus and not at the pickup point where our parents would be waiting for us. Weāre still wearing our orange camp t-shirts. We still smell like pine needles. I like you and you like me and I more-than-like you, but I donāt know if you do or donāt more-than-like me. Youāve never said, so I havenāt been saying anything all summer, content to enjoy the small miracle of a girl choosing to talk to me and choosing to do so again the next day and so on. A girl whoās smart and funny and who, if I say something dumb for a laugh, is willing to say something two or three times as dumb to make me laugh, but who also gets weird and wise sometimes in a way I could never be. A girl who reads books that no oneās assigned to her, whose curly brown hair has a line running through it from where she put a tie to hold it up while it was still wet.
Back in the real world we donāt go to the same school, and unless one of our families moves to a dramatically different neighborhood, we wonāt go to the same high school. So, this is kind of it for us. Unless I say something. And it might especially be it for us if I actually do say something. The sunās gone down and the bus is quiet. A lot of kids are asleep. Weāre talking in whispers about a tree we saw at a rest stop that looks like a kid we know. And then Iām like, āCan I tell you something?ā And all of a sudden Iām telling you. And I keep telling you and it all comes out of me and it keeps coming and your face is there and gone and there and gone as we pass underneath the orange lamps that line the sides of the highway. And thereās no expression on it. And I think just after a point Iām just talking to lengthen the time where we live in a world where you havenāt said āyesā or ānoā yet. And regrettably I end up using the word ādestiny.ā I donāt remember in what context. Doesnāt matter. Before long Iām out of stuff to say and you smile and say, āokay.ā I donāt know exactly what you mean by it, but it seems vaguely positive and I would leave in order not to spoil the moment, but thereās nowhere to go because weāre are on a bus. So I pretend like Iām asleep and before long, I really am.
I wake up, the bus isnāt moving anymore. The domed lights that line the center aisle are all on. I turn and youāre not there. Then again a lot of kids arenāt in their seats anymore. Weāre parked at the pick-up point, which is in the parking lot of a Methodist church. The bus is half empty. You might be in your dadās car by now, your bags and things piled high in the trunk. The girls in the back of the bus are shrieking and laughing and taking their sweet time disembarking as I swing my legs out into the aisle to get up off the bus, just as one of them reaches my row. It used to be our row, on our way off. Itās Michelle, a girl who got suspended from third grade for a week after throwing rocks at my head. Adolescence is doing her a ton of favors body-wise. She stops and looks down at me. And her head is blasted from behind by the dome light, so I canāt really see her face, but I can see her smile. And she says one word: ādestiny.ā Then her and the girls clogging the aisles behind her all laugh and then she turns and leads them off the bus. IĀ didn'tĀ know you were friends with them.
I find my dad in the parking lot. He drives me back to our house and camp is over. So is summer, even though thereās two weeks until school starts. ThisĀ isn'tĀ a story about how girls are evil or how love is bad, this is a story about how I learned something and Iām not saying this thing is true or not, Iām just saying itās what I learned. I told you something. It was just for you and you told everybody. So I learned cut out the middle man, make it all for everybody, always. Everybody canāt turn around and tell everybody, everybody already knows, I told them. But this means thereĀ isn'tĀ a place in my life for you or someone like you. Is it sad? Sure. But itās a sadness I chose. I wish I could say this was a story about how I got on the bus a boy and got off a man more cynical, hardened, and mature and shit. But thatās not true. The truth is I got on the bus a boy. And I never got off the bus. I still havenāt.