If by chance you manage to come across this, which is a hell of a gamble, by now you’ve realized that I’ve put some time and distance between us on purpose. It’s not by any malice or ill intent that I do, but with the determination and conviction to do what’s right. And I’m taking the time I need to grow and do exactly what I promised to you so long ago. What I owe to myself since birth and want to accomplish for my own well being; which is to believe in myself and be the very best I can be. Embody that change. To be quite frank, I really hate being away...but for a shot at something better and something new, I know it has to be done.Â
And in the same vein, I’m giving you the space and room to grow; to let you go and do all that you want. They say if you really love someone, then you have to be able to let them go. I had immense difficulty doing so, because I was genuinely happy being by your side. But I know to allow us to grow, and keeping the faith in the better things, I have to, and I shall.
Also, this move is in respect to who you’re going out with, and another reason I opted to be away. Yes, I know about his existence, and that you were going out for quite some time. You hinted it out in “there are things I don’t tell you” and “I don’t know if you’ll be okay with us going out with other people”. Connecting the dots wasn’t difficult.  While going out with him, and even the guy directly after me, is in direct conflict with why we initially broke up, that’s something perhaps only you can fully understand the reasoning of, I promise I won’t question what you need to do. That all said, I do feel, he rightfully deserves the chance he has with you, without me clouding up the picture.
Lately, I’ve been asked as to how I feel about you, and how I’m doing. In truth, my feelings are all over the place, because there’s so much to say. I’ve tried in various post attempts to write how I felt, but like with any loss, I’m stuck in feelings of denial, anger, sadness, confusion. But the one that’s been arguable the strongest and most devastating is the longing. Longing for what used to be, what we had. I look back from where we started, and where we’ve come to, and it’s bittersweet. I find myself still thinking about it all the time, because I honestly miss you so much. I miss being your best friend and partner and crime. I miss being with you, and all the crazy things we did, be it traveling to different worlds, eating different foods, and sharing in vivid detail all the things we’ve been through and the dreams we want to accomplish.Â
You were the escape; the dream that became reality. The person I was waiting and looking for such a long time, to chase the stars and worlds with. The person I had a 100% sync ratio, where our minds were one and I could sense your feelings and meld with it.
We had our share of problems. Perhaps my biggest issue was that I didn’t always speak up, that I tended to bottle things in. But in my defense, I usually decided to wait and reserve judgment because I needed the time and more information to break it down and understand it. I always felt I would come to the right conclusion and understand though, and that with patience and opening your mind up to different possibilities it ends up being better. I didn’t exactly put my foot down because I wanted to be close-minded and say no. In doing so, I was forgetting about how I felt at times and losing my sense of self. Those cracks were becoming evident in our relationship.
I think your biggest issue was timing. It technically always has been and the one thing that all others will be judged on; the ability to time themselves with you, and whether they can keep up with you in that regard. You were incredibly harsh on people, and more importantly, yourself, if things didn’t fall quite right into place. Greatly ambitious, hard on yourself to a fault.Â
And because of those two things...we eventually went out of sync. It spun out of control, fell apart, and what had been left was barely a husk of this immense and incredibly beautiful thing we had.
I suppose however, that things needed to, if we really wanted to have a shot at making something bigger, and even better than what it was before.Â
And so I move forward, with hope in the future, and with the determination and conviction to accomplish everything. No questions, no more dilly dallying. I’ve gone silent because, less talking, more doing.
And I do have hope actually, in us. You’ll always have a special place in my heart and if there’s a point and time I can recall that forever changed my world, it was when I met you on the 3 train that fateful day.Â
If and when things got better, I did want to revisit everything. To try again. I still do. I still really want to take you out on that date I promised eons ago. I still want to go to many places with you. I still want to go to Dubai.Â
You coming into my life...honestly, you’ve had an intangible effect on my life, something that I’m not sure if I’ll every fully understand. But I’m happy that you have, for turning it upside down, and opening it up in ways I could never imagine. I’m thankful for the moments I shared with you. And while I hope there’s a day we can walk and run not only like we used to, more than that, it’d be even better and further than how we did before. Because we’re better.
Til then, take care of my obsidian stone. I toted it with me to help give me strength, and I hope it does that for you. Take plenty of pictures with that camera as well, I’m hoping it helps you build new memories in place of the lost ones.Â
And...that pretty much sums all I wanted to put down in that letter, but failed miserably to do so.Â
But most importantly, the last thing I want to say...
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