in medias res

✶ personal journal [2012–present] ✶ they/she ✶ writing my way into being

[3liza]

IDENTITY EMERGES ORGANICALLY FROM ACTION

[3liza]

IF YOU DONT DO ANYTHING YOU ARENT ANYONE. SORRY

[relentlesserudition]

These past couple of months. Everything is changing. So much has already changed and I’m trying my best. I hope we land on our feet.

[relentlesserudition]

summer—colors

[relentlesserudition]

for easily over three weeks now—perhaps four—i've had a headache. it waxes and wanes, doesn't really ever go away; also mostly <6 on the pain scale, and has only morphed into full-blown migraines a handful of times, so for the most part, even though it is admittedly a little alarming, i'm able to be reasonably functional. and i have to be: the thesis isn't going to write itself after all. but it is—naturally—extremely uncomfortable. sucks to dedicate 12–17% of my bandwidth to pain every single waking minute. i also suspect that it—and by it, i mean either the bandwidth reduction or the actually physiological root of the headaches—is reducing my reading comprehension. in fact, i think my general brain acuity is on the fritz: my code is frequently buggy; i've let more conceptual errors slip into work this past month than i'm comfortable with; and i hate having to ask Claude sensemaking questions. my last straw has been had! the pain i can live with—i have some experience in this area. but shitty cognition? unacceptable. also untenable. who am i if i can't do the things i want to do?? hellow??

thus, i have started noodling around under the hood for answers and fixes: unstructuredly eliminating possible diet triggers, trying to slip in more silly little walks in the sun, more water, that sort of thing. the hottest new contestant on the elimination block this week, sadly, is sugar. now, i am a sugar gremlin—always have been. despite being aware keenly of the many studies of sugar dependence—and blah blah blah similarities to cocaine in brain effects and oh shut up!—i have been steadfast in my devotion to the deliciousness. there is, after all, an evolutionary love story playing out between man and sugar. who i am to question, let alone, subvert it?

but. i must quit sugar for a while now. for science. this reduces the choices of caffeine sources available to me because those two are fiercely intertwined for me. for what is a chai if not sweet? further, the home stash of coffee is a deep roast and i simply shan't be bothered with making new purchases at this time. fake sugar splenda shit gives me migraines; zero benefits there then. and thus begins my green tea era. genmaicha, which i picked up out of idle curiousity at H-mart, is actually a vibe because it has roasted rice in it! it is supposed to, for this reason, be low(er-ish) caffeine, which i dont like, but it smells a little like popcorn while being brewed, which i do like. and it's great unsweetened! many cups shall be had!

[relentlesserudition]

it'll be exactly a month tomorrow of quitting sugar (and all glycemic foods generally). even though we do not know what’s going on, i can cautiously claim, i think, that things are a little better than they were last month! i do still have some occasional all-day headaches but these are getting spottier now, more intermittent—and very few spill over into migraine territory. got a lot of bloodwork done a few weeks ago: everything is literally in the healthiest range(s) possible except my inflammation markers, which are moderately high. why? nobody knows (yet). but this isn’t as bad as it could be; these same markers were six times the normal limit last summer when i had the horrible rash episode. the lesson from this past decade of being unreasonably unwell is that however bad things get, they could always be worse! this is both a blessing and a curse.

anyway, we’ve scheduled some more tests for mid-May. yay for more data points, etc., but i’m beginning to see once again that this is something i must deal with on my own. my PCP is not inclined to offer hypotheses or help medically beyond prescribing pain relief or beta blockers. so my two leading hypotheses after a whole month of fiddling, tweaking, documenting, and testing are (a) stress and (b) some kind of insulin-triggered immunity response (i don't know what this could be and honestly, at the moment, i cannot be arsed to care).

this tracks because general anxiety around how unmoored I've been and continue to be has been very high—symptomatically even—since last winter. and of course, i have in my rear-view mirror the unforgettable four years of crushing, debilitating fibromyalgia, which supposedly was brought on by the overwhelm and panic that naturally occurs when you let an ADHD gremlin stay alive for three decades without intervention or accommodation. the point is: i get the part where my body does not physiologically know how to handle anxiety without sharp somatic—often immunity-implicating—responses. it’s cool, girl. we’re in this together. living is hard, etc. but this vile response to sugar?? to carbs??? why am i being given these battles? hate!!! and thus, every week or so over the past month, i’ve been doing a smöl “test” (only for science, obviously) where i’ll check if a tiny piece of, e.g., milk chocolate or toast will hurt me. and yep, they sure as fuck do! i had a too-sweet salad dressing the week before last and was immediately—visibly!—inflammed (shout out to eyelids—mine swell up quite rapidly; very nifty diagnostic tool). sleep deprivation hurts too, i suppose. so i’ve been trying to get ~eight hours every night, but with mixed success. then again, this is why god made benzos. 

so anyway, for now, we’re staying on course with these conclusions and plans. i’ve really gotten into oatmilk matchas now (dairy is evil too). who am I becoming? 

[relentlesserudition]

this week's i find that god forbid i eat one(1)* fried peanut. immediate headache. why, why am i in food hell?

* ok i ate like 10 but ugh

[relentlesserudition]

more follow-up blood tests: my inflammation markers are back to behaving, baby! I still won’t let myself have any sugar or glycemic foods of any kind out of trauma but at least I’m not in constant pain anymore.

[relentlesserudition]

At the end of every term, I look back in amazement at how little i knew going into it. How abjectly little I had read in my life, how meager my thinking was, how silly my assumptions and suppositions. And by the end, I get so full and fat with new thoughts and ideas, it is a remarkable thing—head sloshing with all the beautiful ways in which new thinkies connect with old ones. Etc. And then bam: new thing/new term and I’m faced once again with the startling specter of my ignorance and the cycle continues.

And this is why we must never leave academia, if we can help it. 

[relentlesserudition]

You think you’re safe, you know? You schedule a thing—a talk, a deliverable of some kind—for some point down the line. Perhaps a month or two away. It’s on your calendar—look at all the days you have! You’re relaxed. It’s so far away. Plus time is a construct! All ist gut. Right? 

WRONG. The time will come. What was one month away will soon be tomorrow—or worse, later today. You’re shaking your head, but no. NO! Believe me. This is deeply fucked up but the mainstream media simply won’t talk about it. I learned the hard and bitter way that there’s no getting around this.* Be forewarned.

* technically, you could cancel, but sometimes this isn’t an option. 

[relentlesserudition]

happens every year and every year, I lose my mind

[relentlesserudition]

[relentlesserudition]

for easily over three weeks now—perhaps four—i've had a headache. it waxes and wanes, doesn't really ever go away; also mostly <6 on the pain scale, and has only morphed into full-blown migraines a handful of times, so for the most part, even though it is admittedly a little alarming, i'm able to be reasonably functional. and i have to be: the thesis isn't going to write itself after all. but it is—naturally—extremely uncomfortable. sucks to dedicate 12–17% of my bandwidth to pain every single waking minute. i also suspect that it—and by it, i mean either the bandwidth reduction or the actually physiological root of the headaches—is reducing my reading comprehension. in fact, i think my general brain acuity is on the fritz: my code is frequently buggy; i've let more conceptual errors slip into work this past month than i'm comfortable with; and i hate having to ask Claude sensemaking questions. my last straw has been had! the pain i can live with—i have some experience in this area. but shitty cognition? unacceptable. also untenable. who am i if i can't do the things i want to do?? hellow??

thus, i have started noodling around under the hood for answers and fixes: unstructuredly eliminating possible diet triggers, trying to slip in more silly little walks in the sun, more water, that sort of thing. the hottest new contestant on the elimination block this week, sadly, is sugar. now, i am a sugar gremlin—always have been. despite being aware keenly of the many studies of sugar dependence—and blah blah blah similarities to cocaine in brain effects and oh shut up!—i have been steadfast in my devotion to the deliciousness. there is, after all, an evolutionary love story playing out between man and sugar. who i am to question, let alone, subvert it?

but. i must quit sugar for a while now. for science. this reduces the choices of caffeine sources available to me because those two are fiercely intertwined for me. for what is a chai if not sweet? further, the home stash of coffee is a deep roast and i simply shan't be bothered with making new purchases at this time. fake sugar splenda shit gives me migraines; zero benefits there then. and thus begins my green tea era. genmaicha, which i picked up out of idle curiousity at H-mart, is actually a vibe because it has roasted rice in it! it is supposed to, for this reason, be low(er-ish) caffeine, which i dont like, but it smells a little like popcorn while being brewed, which i do like. and it's great unsweetened! many cups shall be had!

[relentlesserudition]

it'll be exactly a month tomorrow of quitting sugar (and all glycemic foods generally). even though we do not know what’s going on, i can cautiously claim, i think, that things are a little better than they were last month! i do still have some occasional all-day headaches but these are getting spottier now, more intermittent—and very few spill over into migraine territory. got a lot of bloodwork done a few weeks ago: everything is literally in the healthiest range(s) possible except my inflammation markers, which are moderately high. why? nobody knows (yet). but this isn’t as bad as it could be; these same markers were six times the normal limit last summer when i had the horrible rash episode. the lesson from this past decade of being unreasonably unwell is that however bad things get, they could always be worse! this is both a blessing and a curse.

anyway, we’ve scheduled some more tests for mid-May. yay for more data points, etc., but i’m beginning to see once again that this is something i must deal with on my own. my PCP is not inclined to offer hypotheses or help medically beyond prescribing pain relief or beta blockers. so my two leading hypotheses after a whole month of fiddling, tweaking, documenting, and testing are (a) stress and (b) some kind of insulin-triggered immunity response (i don't know what this could be and honestly, at the moment, i cannot be arsed to care).

this tracks because general anxiety around how unmoored I've been and continue to be has been very high—symptomatically even—since last winter. and of course, i have in my rear-view mirror the unforgettable four years of crushing, debilitating fibromyalgia, which supposedly was brought on by the overwhelm and panic that naturally occurs when you let an ADHD gremlin stay alive for three decades without intervention or accommodation. the point is: i get the part where my body does not physiologically know how to handle anxiety without sharp somatic—often immunity-implicating—responses. it’s cool, girl. we’re in this together. living is hard, etc. but this vile response to sugar?? to carbs??? why am i being given these battles? hate!!! and thus, every week or so over the past month, i’ve been doing a smöl “test” (only for science, obviously) where i’ll check if a tiny piece of, e.g., milk chocolate or toast will hurt me. and yep, they sure as fuck do! i had a too-sweet salad dressing the week before last and was immediately—visibly!—inflammed (shout out to eyelids—mine swell up quite rapidly; very nifty diagnostic tool). sleep deprivation hurts too, i suppose. so i’ve been trying to get ~eight hours every night, but with mixed success. then again, this is why god made benzos. 

so anyway, for now, we’re staying on course with these conclusions and plans. i’ve really gotten into oatmilk matchas now (dairy is evil too). who am I becoming? 

[relentlesserudition]

this week's i find that god forbid i eat one(1)* fried peanut. immediate headache. why, why am i in food hell?

* ok i ate like 10 but ugh

[relentlesserudition]

frequently find myself fretting about cognitive decline. I feel like I used to think faster, be more creative, more… extemporaneously articulate, write better, etc., in the previous decade. what has changed? brain aging? already??? or did I cause too much damage with my rambunctious decade of drinking and being prescribed too much CNS-acting medication? or is it simply fatigue—from existing, from the incessant change and relocation, and context switching? it is also entirely possible that I merely feel stupider because of higher exposure to the existence and work of brighter brains. and that, if anything, the cognitive escapades of my youth were all foolishness and folly—classic Dunning-Kruger. the more you know, the more you know about how little you know. and so on.

anyway, this thought is brought to you by thesis defense week. and resultant fears that nothing I have done or will ever do will amount to anything. and that I am but a puny fool.

(but surely that’s ok too! when God sings with his creations, will a turtle not be part of the choir?)

[relentlesserudition]

happens every year and every year, I lose my mind

[relentlesserudition]

Some of the best media studies literature comes from philosophers, I think.

[weltenwellen]

hell is already here it’s called hormonal imbalance

[relentlesserudition]

more entries for the record—since i have been woefully inattentive to my documentary duties this term. but this time did pass. life was lived. things were seen. feelings were felt. (and so on)

[relentlesserudition]

nudging into existence the end of my period of wallowing and processing PhD funding failures. it has happened and i am still here. it may take longer than i thought but i haven't died yet. i am arriving at these conclusions in my own time, yes, but it is also very difficult to wallow in spring because of how vibrantly, joyously, riotously, deliciously life is unfolding outside: light green fuzz on bare branches, buds everywhere—absolutely shocking, no, flooring me into the act of looking, into the prayer of attention—and the sun (the! sun!) that sets everything alight. i owe so much to these little menty b walks.

[relentlesserudition]

for easily over three weeks now—perhaps four—i've had a headache. it waxes and wanes, doesn't really ever go away; also mostly <6 on the pain scale, and has only morphed into full-blown migraines a handful of times, so for the most part, even though it is admittedly a little alarming, i'm able to be reasonably functional. and i have to be: the thesis isn't going to write itself after all. but it is—naturally—extremely uncomfortable. sucks to dedicate 12–17% of my bandwidth to pain every single waking minute. i also suspect that it—and by it, i mean either the bandwidth reduction or the actually physiological root of the headaches—is reducing my reading comprehension. in fact, i think my general brain acuity is on the fritz: my code is frequently buggy; i've let more conceptual errors slip into work this past month than i'm comfortable with; and i hate having to ask Claude sensemaking questions. my last straw has been had! the pain i can live with—i have some experience in this area. but shitty cognition? unacceptable. also untenable. who am i if i can't do the things i want to do?? hellow??

thus, i have started noodling around under the hood for answers and fixes: unstructuredly eliminating possible diet triggers, trying to slip in more silly little walks in the sun, more water, that sort of thing. the hottest new contestant on the elimination block this week, sadly, is sugar. now, i am a sugar gremlin—always have been. despite being aware keenly of the many studies of sugar dependence—and blah blah blah similarities to cocaine in brain effects and oh shut up!—i have been steadfast in my devotion to the deliciousness. there is, after all, an evolutionary love story playing out between man and sugar. who i am to question, let alone, subvert it?

but. i must quit sugar for a while now. for science. this reduces the choices of caffeine sources available to me because those two are fiercely intertwined for me. for what is a chai if not sweet? further, the home stash of coffee is a deep roast and i simply shan't be bothered with making new purchases at this time. fake sugar splenda shit gives me migraines; zero benefits there then. and thus begins my green tea era. genmaicha, which i picked up out of idle curiousity at H-mart, is actually a vibe because it has roasted rice in it! it is supposed to, for this reason, be low(er-ish) caffeine, which i dont like, but it smells a little like popcorn while being brewed, which i do like. and it's great unsweetened! many cups shall be had!

[relentlesserudition]

it'll be exactly a month tomorrow of quitting sugar (and all glycemic foods generally). even though we do not know what’s going on, i can cautiously claim, i think, that things are a little better than they were last month! i do still have some occasional all-day headaches but these are getting spottier now, more intermittent—and very few spill over into migraine territory. got a lot of bloodwork done a few weeks ago: everything is literally in the healthiest range(s) possible except my inflammation markers, which are moderately high. why? nobody knows (yet). but this isn’t as bad as it could be; these same markers were six times the normal limit last summer when i had the horrible rash episode. the lesson from this past decade of being unreasonably unwell is that however bad things get, they could always be worse! this is both a blessing and a curse.

anyway, we’ve scheduled some more tests for mid-May. yay for more data points, etc., but i’m beginning to see once again that this is something i must deal with on my own. my PCP is not inclined to offer hypotheses or help medically beyond prescribing pain relief or beta blockers. so my two leading hypotheses after a whole month of fiddling, tweaking, documenting, and testing are (a) stress and (b) some kind of insulin-triggered immunity response (i don't know what this could be and honestly, at the moment, i cannot be arsed to care).

this tracks because general anxiety around how unmoored I've been and continue to be has been very high—symptomatically even—since last winter. and of course, i have in my rear-view mirror the unforgettable four years of crushing, debilitating fibromyalgia, which supposedly was brought on by the overwhelm and panic that naturally occurs when you let an ADHD gremlin stay alive for three decades without intervention or accommodation. the point is: i get the part where my body does not physiologically know how to handle anxiety without sharp somatic—often immunity-implicating—responses. it’s cool, girl. we’re in this together. living is hard, etc. but this vile response to sugar?? to carbs??? why am i being given these battles? hate!!! and thus, every week or so over the past month, i’ve been doing a smöl “test” (only for science, obviously) where i’ll check if a tiny piece of, e.g., milk chocolate or toast will hurt me. and yep, they sure as fuck do! i had a too-sweet salad dressing the week before last and was immediately—visibly!—inflammed (shout out to eyelids—mine swell up quite rapidly; very nifty diagnostic tool). sleep deprivation hurts too, i suppose. so i’ve been trying to get ~eight hours every night, but with mixed success. then again, this is why god made benzos. 

so anyway, for now, we’re staying on course with these conclusions and plans. i’ve really gotten into oatmilk matchas now (dairy is evil too). who am I becoming? 

[paulfrankjuliusthemonkey]

anyway. onto better things

[relentlesserudition]

another year, another acceptance, another go-around on the joyride of waiting for and eventually being denied funding. so much heartache. for what.