Just Trying To Be Me

Charlotte Dunn, Paediatric Surgeon Completely fiction, role play blog for a character mentioned (but doesn’t appear) in Holby City

[honeycombwerewolfe]

❥ :  tucking stray hair behind their ear (reluctantwonderchild)

this meme

//Hmm.... >=] I haz idea...//

Her heartbeat pounded in her ears as she looked down at her phone once more, tapping to bring the black screen to life. Still hours to go before the photographer was scheduled to come collect her - already with Serena for the 'getting ready shots.' No new messages from Serena. It was the waiting, wasn't it? She almost regretted not having the chaos of planning and running a big convoluted event - almost. Still...at least it was quiet yet. Just Charlie and her. Dom and Cam had gone to fetch them all some breakfast; giving Bernie and Charlie a chance to get dressed. Bernie looked up from her phone at the unexpected touch. She gave a worried half smile. "Misbehaving again, is it?" Bernie had done her best to make her hair look presentable but really there was only so much one could do with it.

[reluctantwonderchild]

After securing the soft strand of hair behind her mother's ear, Charlie squeezed Bernie's shoulder - one corner of her mouth upturned in an amused half smile.

"Just a bit. Nothing major though."

Looking down at Bernie's phone, Charlie reached out to take it from her so she could hold Bernie's hands.

"You look amazing, mum. Serena's not going to be able to take her eyes off you."

[runningallmylife]

Tainted Valentines Day

It had been month’s since Charlotte’s loss of her brother. Claudia had taken up temporary residence with Charlie to help keep her company as she got her feet back under herself. The hope for tonight was that some cuddling in front of a sappy movie with hot cocoa and assorted chocolates might at least bring Charlie some comfort if not a brief moment of joy.

@reluctantwonderchild

[reluctantwonderchild]

runningallmylife

“Ay. ’s what made this so much easier to pull off, didn’t it?” Claudia shot back with a mischievous grin. “Come on over. Now, what’ll it be? Princess Bride, Sense and Sensibility, How I Met Your Mother…” Normally, she wasn’t bothered much about making a fuss over holidays. She’d do the same on any random Thursday if she was honest. Life was too short to wait around for special occasions to do anything nice or enjoy yourselves. She was here for Charlie and that was that. Didn’t expect anything in return.

"Still, I feel bad I haven't done anything for you," Charlie spoke softly as she easily complied with the request - moving over to sit and consider the movie choices.

"Think it's got to be Princess Bride, don't you think?"

A bit of fantasy and comedy seemed like the perfect distraction given everything else that had been going on.

[runningallmylife]

Closed Starter for @reluctantwonderchild

" -sounds like a right dick head, he does. Why is it you keep puttin' up with it?"

[reluctantwonderchild]

"Because I love him."

It was a simple reply. Sad, but true. The alternative seemed too terrible to contemplate.

[randomwordgeneratorr]

[jampai]

[twelvemonkeyswere]

[jadorexjaii]

….

[growthandsecrets]

I have literally never been so personally dragged by a post…

[numinous-queer]

[reluctantwonderchild]

An Act of Vandalism

It was on a visit to Charlie’s place that Bernie would start to realise how much her daughter had been hiding and keeping to herself. How much she had been dealing with by herself as the only member of Cameron’s family to still reside in Holby. The city of his crimes.

After everything that they had all been living with, Charlie hadn’t been able to find it within herself to burden either of her parents with what had been happening. Naively, she’d thought that Cam’s death might bring an end to all the harassment. Charlie had been wrong.

Seeing the green paint adorning her white door, would probably be more a surprise to Bernie than Charlie as this wasn’t the first time. They’d been returning from a meal out and Charlie was the first to spot it. Fury boiled up within her as she sped up to get a better look at her door. Staring around, she’d almost forgotten Bernie was there when she shouted into the empty silence around them.

“Bloody cowards!”

Fumbling, anger making her hands shake, Charlie made to search for her keys inside her bag, her voice returning to a lower volume although just as angry. “It’s like they know when I’m out.”

@honeycombwerewolfe

[reluctantwonderchild]

honeycombwerewolfe

Control: that was the word for it alright. It would likely be less cause for jealousy if Charlie ever fully understood why Bernie always had to be in control. It was just something to hide behind in the end.

Bernie watched with a concerned frown but let Charlie slip free. The distance from her daughter allowed Bernie a better view of the room. She let her eyes drift slowly from one end to the other. Charlie…

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Bernie asked.

Lifting her head to stare up at the ceiling, Charlie’s hands massaged the back of her neck - elbows still leant against the kitchen countertop. The flood of anger went as quickly as it came, only to be replaced by sadness and grief. Rightly, or wrongly, she felt so alone.

“You and Dad, you’ve got enough to deal with,” her voice was quiet and small, with the slightest quiver of what she was feeling. “Didn’t want to bother you.” She sighed, before adding in an attempt to make Bernie worry less: “It’s just a bit of paint.”

[reluctantwonderchild]

Headcanon:

Charlie also received a letter from Bernie after she ‘died’ but Charlie didn’t open hers for a long time. This was because once she’d opened it, she felt she’d have to accept Bernie was dead.

Unlike Cameron, Charlie’s grief was quiet. She kept to herself and got on with her work. She only started to truly grieve once she finally opened and read the letter. Even now that she knows Bernie is alive, Charlie has kept her letter in a safe place. Treasuring it, and even reading it from time to time.

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Charlotte would probably try to blow you up too to be honest. You should have seen her when she thought you were dead. She had no tune but she could still belt out 'ding dong the witch is dead' like a champion.

"..."

[reluctantwonderchild]

“Don’t listen to them, mum! Being told you were dead was one of the worst days of my life! That’s not ... I wouldn’t ... ever!”

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Assumption (post end of Holby): Cam was your favourite

“…”

[reluctantwonderchild]

honeycombwerewolfe

She tried to give her daughter a knowing grin, she really did, but in the end it did no more than scrunch her nose over the smallest of tugs at the side of her mouth. There was too much weight in her eyes for the attempt to even be called a smile. Her gaze moved to Charlie’s extended hand. Instead of allowing the touch, she turned further towards Charlie and took the extended hand in her own. Bernie gave Charlie’s hand a firm squeeze…and kept the tight hold like it was her only lifeline. She couldn’t lift her eyes to meet Charlie or the stranger’s eyes.

Tilting her head to one side, Charlie’s brow furrowed with concern and sadness. All she wanted was to be able to alleviate her parents’ pain and it was torture knowing that she couldn’t really help at all. Reaching out with her free hand, Charlie grasped Bernie’s forearm and returned the squeeze with both hands. She also turned, placing herself between Bernie and the stranger - shielding Bernie from any further jabs or comments.

“I miss him too.” A statement, acknowledging where Charlie thought Bernie’s head might be right now. 

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Assumption (post end of Holby): Cam was your favourite

"..."

[reluctantwonderchild]

Trying to keep the disappointment and hurt of Bernie’s lack of denial buried deep down in the pit of her stomach, Charlie approached Bernie slowly - hesitantly reaching out towards Bernie’s elbow.

“Ignore them, mum. They’re just trying to get a reaction.”

[reluctantwonderchild]

The meaning of love

As she looked over and watched the pair dance, Charlie couldn’t help but be struck dumb at what she saw. The pair, clearly oblivious to everyone else around them, were so besotted with one another. So obviously in love, that it emanated from them and filled the room with warmth and happiness.

It dawned on Charlie that this was perhaps the first time she’d seen love like this. Or at least, seen either of her parents so happy and content. So at ease. As if they were adjoining pieces of the same jigsaw. They simply fit together, like it was always meant to be. It filled her with both joy and sadness that Bernie had, seemingly, only found this in the last few years. But she had found Serena and for that Charlie would forever be grateful.

Watching Bernie and Serena, Charlie was brought back to her own speech made not that long ago. Only just now realising how true her words had been.

“I used to think I knew what love was. True love. Fairy tales, movie endings. Driving off into the sunset for a ‘happily ever after’. Naïve thoughts I think we all have growing up. But it’s from watching mum and Serena that I can now see what love really is. No relationship is perfect. But if I can ever find someone I can have a relationship with that is anything like theirs then I think that’ll be a pretty good life. Partners who are equal. Treat each other with respect. Acceptance. Support each other. A relationship filled with kindness, humour, passion, and contentment. You know every so often when you see a couple and you can’t imagine them not being together? Or that it just feels right that they were meant to be together? That’s what I feel when I see Serena and mum. After everything that’s happened over the last few years. Everything we’ve been through as a family. I’m so proud to be able to stand here and celebrate their love and relationship with you all. And I’m proud to be the daughter, and now, stepdaughter, of two such amazing women. I know I’m not the only one.”

It was with a pang of grief, one that she quickly tried to push away, that she thought of Cam and Elinor as her speech drew to a close and she picked up her glass to raise a toast.

Afterwards, when she had a moment with Bernie and Serena, she’d pull her mum into a hug and whisper: “I meant it, you know. I am proud, and I love you so much. I know Cam would say so too.” Her arms, tightly wrapped around Bernie, hoping her mum would feel the magnitude of her love even as her bottom lip wobbled at the thought of her brother.

@honeycombwerewolfe

[honeycombwerewolfe]

(For post Cam verse)

As you’re not an overly tactile person, if Charlie was to come up and hug you, out of the blue, would you be ok with that?

(Finishing up the inbox from the M!A honesty event - thanks for being patient on this one ^_^) She wanted to say of course. She wanted to say she’s there for Charlie no matter what. What came out was

“Not if I didn’t see it coming. No.”

Bernie’s heart plummeted, eyes wide, as she heard the words out loud. It was no wonder…no wonder her kids…

[reluctantwonderchild]

honeycombwerewolfe

Bernie didn’t notice Charlie approaching until the movement in her peripherals spurred a quick glance at the hand reaching towards her, eyes never lifting above chest height. She stared at it with a tensely furrowed brow as Charlie spoke. There was a second of silence after the question before Bernie reached out to wrap her arms around Charlotte. “Okay. Okay.” Words of comfort. Words to calm…but if Bernie were honest with herself…they weren’t for Charlotte’s benefit. Charlie was okay: safe in Bernie’s arms. Bernie latched onto that thought.

The feeling of Bernie’s arms wrapping around her brought more relief to Charlie than she could say. It was better than Bernie running away. World’s better than being pushed away. Letting out a long breath, that she hadn’t realised she’d been holding, Charlie let her eyes close as she wrapped her arms tightly around her mother. Slowly drawing soft circles on Bernie’s back, Charlie was content to be held for as long as needed - quietly muttering phrases she hoped were soothing. “It’s okay. You’ve got me. I’m not going anywhere.” 

It wouldn’t bring Cam back. It wouldn’t change anything. But, Charlie hoped, it might bring some comfort.

[honeycombwerewolfe]

22. catching snowflakes on your tongue. (reluctantwonderchild)

Charlie had been six at the time: swaddled in puffy layers and mittens and a tiny red face peeking out from beneath her hat. Giggling as she toddled around the yard tongue stuck out towards the sky as heavy snowflakes drifted down. Someone coming to stand beside her in the snow brought Bernie back from her reverie and Charlie no longer played in front of her. Little Gwen ran around in her place and Bernie sighed with a smile. Without turning her attention from the child, she addressed her companion. “You used to love catching snowflakes like that when you were little…” @reluctantwonderchild

[reluctantwonderchild]

honeycombwerewolfe

Bernie was almost afraid to let herself acknowledge the uplifting air that filled her at Charlie’s response: smile, while still timid, finally lighting up her eyes.

“I, I would like that…a lot. You’re never a bother.” Bernie broke eye contact when the moment felt just a bit too exposed and took a breath. Smirking to release some of her nerves, she added, “Cam, now…does his best to bother and often succeeds.” The affectionate way she said it made it seem more like praise than chastisement.

The happiness, however subtle or small, that Charlie could see in Bernie’s eyes did wonders for her own mood. Relaxing a little, she ran the toe of one of her shoes through the snow as she smiled more freely than her mother - laughing at the comment about her brother. “Sounds like Cam,” Charlie’s voice was also filled with affection for her brother. “Maybe I can come over next time you’re babysitting,” she added, nodding over at the small child.

[reluctantwonderchild]

7: making snow angels - Claudia

Winter had come along faster than Charlie had anticipated. So caught up with work, she was vaguely aware of the weeks passing but it wasn’t until the first snowfall that Charlie really took note of it. It snowed heavily one night. So heavily that the country woke up to swaths of white coating every surface it could find. 

It had taken much coaxing to get her to leave her apartment that day. But, the fresh air did her good and the cold brought colour to her cheeks. The sky seemed so nice to look at, and the snow so comfortable. That was why Claudia would find her laying in the snow, staring at the sky.

@runningallmylife

[reluctantwonderchild]

runningallmylife

“Well I’m not one of ‘em, aye.” Claudia countered with a laugh. After a questioning look, Claudia looked down at herself. “What the hell are you on about? My legs are covered and I have a jumper…” Her tone was teasing though she stood by her outfit choice.

“Shame, I guess I’ll have to have all this fun by myself then,” Charlie giggled as she lay back down. “And if that’s what you call covered, I’m almost afraid to ask what you think uncovered is.” Charlie stared up at the sky, watching the swirling clouds above even as the cold began to soak through her clothes.

[reluctantwonderchild]

Things Charlie wants:

Snuggles

Junk food

A cigarette

Not necessarily in that order.

[reluctantwonderchild]

runningallmylife

Claudia lifted her hand to slide behind Charlie and rub on Charlie’s outside arm. “You know I have -” Claudia replied while reaching into her pocket with her free hand and pulling out a box of fags and lighter.

Letting out a sound that was a mix of a happy sigh and moan, Charlie reached out for the items - feeling very much in need of a nicotine hit. “Thanks, you have no idea how much I need this. All of this.” Taking a moment to light a cigarette, Charlie closed her eyes as she took her first drag, shoulders sagging in relief.

[runningallmylife]

Closed Starter: “A doctor and a call girl walk out of a bar...”

The club wasn’t anything special: just another filthy hole in the wall with flashing lights, deafening music, watered down booze and over packed with sweaty young bodies looking for a high to help them forget their shitty lives. Claudia never came for the booze.

Tonight it had been to get out of the chilled rain...easier to catch up on sleep during the day when temperatures were more agreeable...and when she could find a church pew or library stack to disappear into for a few hours. After a few hours on the dance floor, she slipped out back for a smoke, propping the door open with a brick.  Huddled under the awning, she leaned back against the wall and lit up a cigarette. Wasn’t but a few seconds later when she was startled by the door opening again. She watched quietly as a blonde exited the club.

@reluctantwonderchild​

[reluctantwonderchild]

runningallmylife

“Can’t argue with that. Beds are right lush, they are.” The girl shrugged and took another drag before reaching out a hand. “I’m Claudia by the way, in case you were like wonderin’ or anythin’.”

“Charlie,” she replied, reaching out for the proffered hand and giving it a soft squeeze. “In case you were wondering.” She even managed a small smile while she spoke.

[reluctantwonderchild]

17 going sledding your choice (mum or Claudia)

Knowing they both had the day off, Charlie decided to surprise Bernie. It had snowed heavily over the past 24 hours and that made it perfect sledding weather. Carrying two sleds rather awkwardly under her arm, Charlie knocked on Bernie’s door. Hoping they might be able to spend the day together, Charlie prayed the surprise would be welcome.

@honeycombwerewolfe

[honeycombwerewolfe]

It was chaos at Serena’s. It had been for the last few weeks as the final steps to closing on the house started to fall into place. Boxes everywhere, one third of the furniture already disassembled and taped up in moving blankets…and quite frankly Bernie had taken one look at it all this morning and turned right back around, taking her coffee back up with her to the bedroom. She’d been tucked up against the headboard, readers low on her nose, coffee in hand and book held open over her knee when she heard, or at least thought she’d heard, a knock. Placing everything down on the nightstand, she padded barefoot downstairs and wove through the chaos to open the door. She wrapped her fuzzy robe tighter around herself as the brisk wind swept loose snow at her.

Stunned would be the word for it: her expression when she saw Charlie stood there. “Charlie?” Bernie asked in greeting as her gaze moved to the sleds and slowly back.

[reluctantwonderchild]

“Hi!” Charlie spoke brightly, a wide grin on her face, before her eyes took in Bernie’s robe and usual messy hair. Smile falling a little, but not fading completely, she realised that she might have interrupted a lazy morning for her mother, or something along those lines. 

“Sorry, I thought you were on your own today so wondered if you wanted company. Thought we could go sledding.” Charlie brought the sleds out in front of her as if the objects needed any further explanation. Now she thought about it, the whole idea did seem rather slapdash and spontaneous. Bernie probably had plans. Charlie was rapidly losing confidence. “But if you’re busy ...”

[runningallmylife]

Tainted Valentines Day

It had been month’s since Charlotte’s loss of her brother. Claudia had taken up temporary residence with Charlie to help keep her company as she got her feet back under herself. The hope for tonight was that some cuddling in front of a sappy movie with hot cocoa and assorted chocolates might at least bring Charlie some comfort if not a brief moment of joy.

@reluctantwonderchild

[reluctantwonderchild]

The presence of Claudia over recent weeks had helped Charlie more than she would have predicted. Both emotionally and with looking after herself. She ate more regularly now and slept better. With that came better moods and she found that the mood swings, particularly the very low mood drops, happened less often. Even so, Charlie had quite forgotten what day it was. She knew that Valentine’s had to be soon, no one could miss the advertising in all the shop windows or how almost every website seemed to be daubed in red. But it wasn’t until she saw the chocolates and set up for the evening that she realised - clamping a hand over her mouth. “Is it today? Oh God, Claudia, I completely forgot.”