Nobody will know.

secret vent account

[remember--my--name]

School is starting up again, thank GOD. I literally can't be alone on break or I get crazy depressed. Hence this account existing. I just hope it goes okay. I can feel something evil on the horizon, I just don't know what yet.

[remember--my--name]

I really hope my irl friends don't find this account. I think I would legitimately end It all im so cringe but free on here

[remember--my--name]

"When I arrived into this skin, I was a trophy wife."

Two posts in a day wowzers I'm productive

Never drawn anyone but steven/pearl so this was fun

I cant draw fucking ANYTHING

Whenever I get mad about my current skill I think about showing it to my younger self who never thought she could draw and how happy she would be

It works

[remember--my--name]

How can you grieve someone you never knew?

[remember--my--name]

My grandma died today. We all saw it coming, but It actually happened. I feel bad, because I feel nothing about it. She was not a good person, nor present during my childhood.

Every memory I have if her is seeing her hunched over a computer, playing solitaire. She was an introvert and a homebody, and never left her house. She hated animals. She hated her husband. She was a master at crochet. When I was a kid she tried to teach me, but I could never get it. She crocheted me blankets and stuff, and now I don't know if I can ever use them again. It feels wrong.

She was also a raging addict. The sheer amount of alcohol and cigarettes she consumed is astounding, and the amount she spent is probably enough to pay off my car.

By all accounts, she was not a great person. She raised her kids eith heavy favoritism and was generally cruel. Her and my grandpa hated each other. Sometimes I wonder if they were each other's divine punishment for being so awful.

She got trapped with a man she hated but wouldn't leave, and he was cursed to never be able to travel because of her medical issues. She had cancer 3 times and won twice. It finally caught up to her, I guess.

It feels weird, because we were just talking. Well kind of. She couldnt physically talk and had to write on a white board, but she was in good spirits. I made her candles, and played her a video of me playing piano. For that one short moment, I felt genuine love towards her. It felt like I never wanted to leave her side, and ask her a million questions. I went back, and made her a dinner of her choosing. But now it disturbs me. It almost feels like it was her last meal. She barely ate, and what she did have was mostly liquid. It felt like the last genuine thing she had that she wanted.

I dont know what to feel towards her. I guess that's why I'm here. I felt more heartbreak about my grandmother who i only knew for two years. At least she was present. Maybe sometime I'll write about her, too.

I think I'll write a speech for her funeral. If she has one. My entire family is crazy religious, so I doubt they won't.

Nobody sees these anyways, so I guess this is more just me talking into the void. People only really see my art. Which I'm fine with. Maybe I'll draw smth for this. I'm enough of a whump to do that.

[remember--my--name]

Today was...weird. I only got like 3 hours of sleep and barely ate, save for a frozen yogurt. None of this was intentional, I just had a busy day. But near the end kf the day I went to dinner with some extended family and I felt so weak and shaky and tired. I eventually felt better when I had some food but later I was thinking about how wonderful the discomfort and misery was. That seems to be a consistent thing with me, missing the way I felt and then feeling so complete and satisfied when I feel that way again. It makes me wanna not eat till I shake and sway with every step. I never really got super weak during the peak of my ED. Made me feel invalid. I have to get sicker.

[remember--my--name]

Does anyone else's conscious feel entirely separate from their body? Like my brain and body feel so separate, like a robot and the person inside. Sometimes it's like the two are genuinely communicating, or I'll look down and realize I'm walking. My body is simply doing ahat my brain wants to do, but they arent connected. I wanna walk over there? My body will do it. But its not me making the moves. The only time I feel like the two connect is when I smoke weed. Which is why I do that often. I should really try and draw what I look like in my head. Cause when I look in the mirror, it's like looking at a stranger. That's kind of what my artsona is, ig.

[remember--my--name]

I should give my kins a break and draw myself feeling miserable for once

[remember--my--name]

Saw this photo on tumblr and knew i had to draw my boy steven. Based off @vi3wm0nst3r 's fic "The Light Pours Out Of Me" on tumblr. Check It out, their fics are always peak 🥹

Can you tell i have no clue how to draw Garnet 💔

Me when I cant fucking draw anymore

[remember--my--name]

I keep starting new projects only to completely abandon them for months and I feel so guilty every time God DAMN I'm a lazy depressed chud

[remember--my--name]

Dyed my hair today. Didn't make me happy, but I felt some sort of satisfaction.

[remember--my--name]

It's like there's 3 versions of me, and the one who hates everything is always there, but really comes out at night. Like batman.

[remember--my--name]

I used to dream so big. I still do, I just don't believe in them anymore. It sucks, cause I truly want to achieve my goals, I just don't think I have the will to ever get there. My own brain is stopping me from doing what it wants me to. How ironic.

[remember--my--name]

She self on my harm till I relapse

[remember--my--name]

I've had that fuckass tiki tiki tiki song stuck in my head today and it ain't making me any less suicidal gotta tell ya

[remember--my--name]

Feeling a bit better today. I really need to start going to bed earlier, I get really awful at night.

[remember--my--name]

I toy with the idea of yumeshipping sometimes, but I always feel a deep sense of guilt and disgust. I feel guilty if they already have a canon partner. Even if they don't, it feels wrong. If I met them RIGHT NOW, they would NOT like my miserable ass 😭