THE LOVE HYPOTHESIS.
↳ quotes from the love hypothesis by ali hazelwood. some quotes have been edited for clarity or usability.
"carry yourself with the confidence of a mediocre white man."
"i wish you could see yourself the way i see you."
"i'm starting to wonder if this is what being in love is. being okay with ripping yourself to shreds, so the other person can stay whole."
"you can fall in love. someone will catch you."
"i'll come find you, and i'll take care of you."
"did you... did you just kiss me?"
"expiration dates are for the weak."
"i think about you before falling asleep. then i dream of you."
"it's fine. more material for my title ix complaint."
"this might be inappropriate, but, you are really extraordinary."
"i know it’s scary, being vulnerable, but you can allow yourself to care."
"everyone likes tall, broody, sullen hunks with genius iqs."
"a good kiss will do that: make a girl forget herself for a while."
"i liked you when i didn’t know you, and now that i do know you, it’s only gotten worse."
"you could stay mad, and we could go to your lab and throw test tubes full of toxic reagents at each other until the pain of third-degree burns overrides your shitty mood? sounds like fun, no?"
"my heart may be broken, but my brain is doing just fine."
"i'm fine. i mean, i wish i were dead, but aside from that..."
"i've never been surer of anything. except maybe cell theory."
"hypothesis: the more i mention an attachment in an email, the less likely i will be to actually include said attachment."
"are they deporting you back to canada because we've been sharing a netflix password?"
"tell them we didn't know it was a federal crime."
"i think that somewhere along the way i forgot that i was something. i forgot myself."
"academia takes a lot from you and gives back a little."
"not having a life came in handy sometimes."
"i do reserve the right to comment on your abysmal taste in men."
"pumpkin spice is satan’s dandruff, harbinger of the apocalypse, and it tastes like ass—not in the good way."
"hypothesis: if i fall in love, things will invariably end poorly."
"you just had to go and make me fall for you."
"a heart will break even more easily than the weakest of hydrogen bonds."
"there will only be one bed. it doesn't matter what it says; it's always one bed."
"i must say, the line between excellent career choice and critical life screwup is getting a bit blurry."
"you probably don’t like ice cream anyway, because you don’t enjoy anything that’s good in life."
"i have access to your google calendar, asshole. you're not busy. if you don't want to hang out with me, you can just be honest."
"to be fair, i don't like people in general."
"how much do you hate this, on a scale from one to ‘correlation equals causation’?"
"hypothesis: any rumor regarding my love life will spread with a speed that is directly proportional to my desire to keep said rumor a secret."
"approximately two out of three fake-dating situations will eventually involve room-sharing; 50 percent of room-sharing situations will be further complicated by the presence of only one bed."
"i'm never going to get used to the fact that professors are real people and have first names."
"that’s the thing with science. we’re drilled to believe that false positives are bad, but false negatives are just as terrifying."
"maybe so many years alone has warped me in some fundamental way."
"did this fortune cookie just throw shade at me?"
"based on the available information and the data hitherto collected, my hypothesis is that the farther away i stay from love, the better off I will be."
"i had financially rich, but emotionally poor, parents."
"talking on the phone is the hardest, most stressful thing in the world."
"no. i don't want to fake break-up."