I’m Ren :3 and I make art of whatever as my hobby. My fixations have been jumping around as of late but I hope you enjoy what you see!
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Important Things to Know!
I’m a dissociative system so I won’t always “be” here (though I usually am), even if I’m online!
I have a non-sharing selfship/yumeship with Cole from BlushBlush! All I ask is you don’t derail my posts about Cole (especially selfship art) with stuff about your/someone else’s relationship to him ^^
I block however I see fit, but it’s rare if you’re not a bot/blank account nor make me feel threatened in some way
I have many organized savetags you can look through if you want :]
Have fun scrolling through my brain for a bit!!
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( additional links below )
• alt blog (mild nsfw, ramblings, rough wips, mental illness posting)
• system blog (if you’re interested in that I guess)
Honestly Cole reminds me of so many characters but never enough for me to feel comfortable enough truly and fully comparing them…
🥀 Like when I think about the psychology of other characters like the audacity/persistence and ego of William Afton or the severe neuroses and urge to act a certain way to “fit” in to some role that (movie) Patrick Bateman deals with, I don’t think Cole SHOULD be equated to these people but I can’t ignore that their energies remind me of him
🥀 I can’t ignore there’s a pattern there while also understanding that Cole likely has more emotional vulnerability/intelligence and capacity for self control (still not that much but the bar is low) than characters like these. I just think understanding/analyzing THOSE characters on a level beyond “fucked up horrible serial killer” is probably part of the whole thing to like… empathizing with Cole, I guess? I experienced that in reverse, empathizing with Cole and later recognizing similar mentalities in other infamously dangerous characters
🥀 I already deal with similar issues to his, so I just caught on quicker I think, but it’s about the struggles and the consequences of mishandling obsession, ultimately. All these characters can be inferred to be very very obsessive for one reason or another and, while they still commit heinous crimes, there’s still something to be said about the dedication (or perhaps desperation) in how each of them decide to cope with their obsessions
🥀 Basically I wish I could talk more in-depth about the connections I’ve drawn between Cole and these other goobers without sounding like I’m generalizing Cole into some ableist “mentally ill and dangerous” stereotype…. Because like!!! I don’t see those other characters as being without interesting depth either, but I assume most people wouldn’t think that right away (´Д` )
I was just like “yeah that’s my guy. It’s what he does. I let him do it because I think he’d go insane otherwise but I’d love for him to have other hobbies too”
Well, now my Wealthy Inheritance Theory may actually make the most sense for Cole’s employment situation, at this rate…..
I just. Wanted to get these off my chest because I have MANY incoherent thoughts. About this stupid stupid AU.
!! Warnings for -- graphic violence, Major Character Death, kidnapping, war, mass-death, suicide ideation, sex trafficking, torture !!
Cole and Ayeka's relationship is weirdly distant and I wanted to. Address that somehow. I think after the 50th Hunger Games, with all the BS that happens (the Victors teaming up to destroy the Arena and fully rebel against the Capitol), the government sends hovercrafts to the Districts and drops fire bombs on the offending Victors' homes -- any survivors were captured and taken to the Capitol.
But THANKFULLY, the Rebel Faction managed to evacuate most of the Victors' families before anything could happen to them. Except -- Ayeka is never recovered. Their house is a burnt pile on a burnt street.
And Cole is just -- ohhh dang, what is he even feeling?? He and the other Victors are taken to the underground bunkers of District 13, the District that was thought be obliterated about 50 years ago, but instead became the base of operations for the Rebels. He's watching the other Victors run to their families with tears of relief, and has NO idea what to do with himself.
Then about a couple weeks later, the higher-ups of 13 are like "um. We're detecting some weird activity going on outside the bunker." -- and lo and behold, fricking AYEKA shows up, all filthy and carrying their cat, Scrimmel, in her arms. Cole is like,
Cole: "Ayeka."
Ayeka, holding up their cat: "And Scrimmy, too."
Cole: "You - what. The Rebels - they said they couldn't find you."
Ayeka: "Well I definitely saw them :/"
Cole: "And you didn't go with them?"
Ayeka: "I had to find Scrimmel first."
Cole: "Oh."
Cole: "You went missing in the woods for weeks."
Cole: "You WALKED here all the way from District 10"
Cole: "Because you went back for the cat."
Ayeka, holding up their cat again: "Say hi, Scrim."
Honestly, when Cole first learned that the Rebels couldn't find his sister, he WAS like. Severely upset. Because of the obvious reasons, but also because -- just an hour ago, he was fighting for his life in the Arena so he's still adrenalised and in that fight/flight headspace where he cannot trust anything happening around him. So with everything going wrong all at once, his instincts were screaming at him to grab the nearest item and just. Beat someone to death. (<- going a bit OOC here because Cole canonically prefers. Quieter methods. Citing his "Rollercoaster Date" line. But given the circumstances, he can have this.)
^^ BUT. Cole wasn't the only Victor in the room. When the Rebels laid out who they were/weren't able to recover from the Districts -- before Cole could do anything, Nina went BALLISTIC behind him, grabbing a syringe and attacking one of the Rebels for letting the Capitol take her brother, who was likely worse than dead in their hands.
Basically, Cole and Ayeka just need to talk. And they do!! It doesn't solve all their problems instantly of course, especially since things are SUPER scary right now and there are way bigger things at hand, but. They start building that bridge between them, methinks.
Oh, and the Capitol also captured Eli (because Iro), Ace (because Kelby), Peanut (because the Valentine sisters), and Volks' mom. Their fates vary:
Eli gets hijacked. The Capitol used venom from Tracker-Jackers (genetically-engineered wasps with hallucinogenic properties) to get inside his head and basically rewire him. When the captives are finally rescued, Iro obviously goes to see her brother and ohhh god she's beyond devastated. He's malnourished, covered in bruises, and his hair has gone thin. This wasn't Eli. Soon, Iro is finally allowed to enter his room and speak to him -- only, he's staring at her, furiously, like she's sub-human. Eli's never looked at ANYONE that way. Then he starts talking: Iro is a mutt. Iro only knows how to run away. Their family would've been saved a lot of grief, if Iro hadn't swam out into the ocean all those years ago and killed their mother. Then he lunges out of his bed, grabbing his sister by the neck, slamming her against the wall, pressing his fingers into her throat, and he's screaming furiously but it also sounds like he's terrified of her somehow -- and it takes 4 guards to knock him out pry him off of her just in time.
Time passes, and they try to communicate with Eli again, with Iro watching from a safe distance behind bulletproof glass. This time, they send Kelby inside to talk to him. Because Kelby was a friend!! Kelby himself looks like he wants to die after everything that's happened -- but he talks gently to Eli, explaining everything that's happened so far and telling him that he was in good hands here at District 13. Eli is... receptive. He's listening quietly to Kelby and there are little moments where his hardened bloodshot expression weakens into something teary and subdued, as Kelby calmly recounts the attacks on the Districts.
Eli: "It's because of Iro."
Kelby: "It wasn't because of Iro."
Eli: "Did she tell you to say that?"
Kelby: "She didn't tell me anything."
Eli: "She's a liar, Kelby. That's the truth."
And Kelby internally goes on alert because he notices Eli's pupils over-dilate as soon as Iro was brought up. Likely a result of his brainwashing. Kelby feels helpless for the millionth time, but he continues talking, trying his best to gently ground Eli, but -- Eli starts to panic. "Iro sent you here to talk to me" -- and Kelby reassures him that's not what's happening, but Eli hyperventilates. He starts yelling. Iro's a liar, you can't trust her, she's a mutt that the Capitol created to destroy us. Kelby is quickly escorted out of the room and Eli is sedated. Iro doesn't know what to do with herself anymore.
When Anon is rescued, his hair is a lot shorter and he's developed a severe fear of water. As it turns out -- he was tortured via electrocution when he was taken to the Capitol. They shaved his head so that his hair wouldn't absorb any electrical currents, and always doused him in water beforehand. The Capitol apparently left his personality intact, although that. Doesn't mean much after he was subjected to that cruelty. Physical recovery took ages. Mental recovery would take the rest of his life. But when Anon finally left his hospital bed, he was willing to help the Rebels remotely, by helping them snake through the Capitol's security systems and hijack their propaganda broadcasts. He would lash out at Nina sometimes, and overall was super agitated whenever any of the guards stood within a 6 feet radius from him. But. He tries. It helps that the Rebels also recovered his friends from District 3 (Theo, Ruri, Mio) and at the end of it all, he deems himself lucky. Even though he's a lot angrier at the world now.
Peanut's hands were missing when she got rescued. Apparently that was punishment for helping the Valentine sisters keep their District's black market running, since Peanut often ran errands for them behind closed doors while everyone's eyes were on the sisters. She's cooperating with Fumi, Anon, Nina, and Ruri to construct new hands for her. Peanut's receptive to the help, but. She was kept in a cell near the other captives, like Anon and Eli, so she spent those weeks in absolute terror listening to their screams -- and adding her own, when people came in to cut off her hands.
Ace and Volks' mom were thankfully okay for the most part, if only shaken from the whole ordeal. Both of them were eager to help the Rebels however they were able.
Going back to the 50th Hunger Games -- so like. This is when the Victors of the past Games are brought back to compete again. For their safety, they HAVE to hide that they're Pissed Off.
But for one Victor -- he doesn't even try.
Alpha (the TV host/interviewer for the Hunger Games): "We've seen a lot of tears here tonight! But I see no tears in Scale's eyes."
Scale: "The deal was - that if I win the Hunger Games, I get to live the rest of my life in peace."
Scale, looking dead at the cameras: "But now? You wanna KILL me again." *chuckle* "But you know what?"
Scale: "F*CK THAT!"
Alpha: ??!
The Live Audience: *erupts into thousands of shouts*
Scale: "AND F*CK EVERYBODY THAT HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT!"
Which... good for him!! But also I wanna say there's some nihilism at play here, because the other Victors still very much value their lives enough to play along, but ohhhh Scale is so done. And the Capitol's toyed with him long enough. Without Luna's intervention, he would've been a victim of their prostitution scheme. Well -- it was either that, or the Capitol would kill everyone he loved. So with that in mind, Scale could NOT allow himself to form any connections outside of Luna because that thought was always looming over his head.
It stunted him and he knew it -- he had a reputation as some over-glorified killing machine and he needed to play it up for the cameras. It's gotten to a point where he literally doesn't know what else he is beyond that. He hasn't given up on LIVING (yet, I think), but it feels like he's given up on finding his identity since he's being sent to die for the cameras again, so like. What's the point.
Haru is still alive!! Thank goodness. He was the Capitol Escort for District 11 -- so that would be Marybelle, Bonnibel, and Babybelle. Mary and Bonni are still getting used to seeing Haru so focused and sensible for once -- meanwhile he and Babybelle are getting along swimmingly. With District 13's limited luxuries, Babybelle has managed to slowly ween off her drinking problem, although it's still a very present issue. Haru feels partly responsible for Babybelle's deterioration, so he quietly took it upon himself to stay close and support her properly -- but he'd never acknowledge it aloud. He has his own problems too, sighhfh
Speaking of Capitol Escorts and their Victors -- Lustat and Cole are actually getting along for once, which couldn't really be avoided since everyone else in their little District 10 group is dead. They don't cross paths too often in the huuuuge bunkers of 13, but. They sat together for lunch one day and Lustat showed him Xianyun's sketchbooks of his designs for Cole -- from formalwear to combat attire.
And Cole feels weird thinking about Xianyun in general, since he watched Xianyun get beaten to death right in front of him. And these designs feel very. Unlike Cole. It's like Xianyun is still projecting this lofty, glittery image onto him from beyond the grave.
^^ oh and um. About Xianyun's death -- it happened literally seconds before Cole was sent into the Arena. The Capitol did NOT appreciate the way Xianyun incorporated all these rebellious symbols into Cole's outfits, so they waited until the two of them were alone, when Xianyun was bidding Cole farewell and good luck, before sending in a team of guards to beat him to death and drag his body away in front of Cole's eyes. And Cole couldn't even react -- he and Xianyun were separated by a thick pane of glass. So Cole had THAT image to take with him into the Arena.
Rescuing the captives was. Painful. Ruri and Nina worked with Fumi and Stirling to break through the Capitol's layers of digital security, with a plan to broadcast their own live footage to the whole country as a distraction, while a team snuck into the Capitol itself to break the captives out.
For the live footage -- Kelby and Luna volunteered to stand in front of some cameras and tell the world what the Capitol did to them, how they were made to sell their bodies to whomever wanted to buy them for a night. Apparently this was news to most people listening. The other Victors kept a solemn silence while Kelby and Luna spoke, whether out of relatability or just. Horror.
Back to Eli -- he DOES recover. It's a long and painful process, and he's struggling to know what's real and what's a product of his brainwashing. After he's past his homicidal outbursts, Iro INSISTS on being the one to stay with him around the clock. They both know that she's partly doing this to compensate for her own feelings of uselessness, since she feels like Eli basically spoke her own thoughts aloud back when they were first reunited -- she carries a lot of guilt for their mother's death, for winning her year's Hunger Games, for Eli's capture, for. Everything, really. And knowing all of this, Eli kind of wants to snap at Iro for the self-serving aspect again, and he does sometimes!! He even gets physically violent with people around him on occasion :( but he can't help feeling relieved and thankful whenever Iro rushes forth to calm him down.
Eventually, Eli does recover!! It only happens after the whole Rebellion is over though, while the rest of the country is recovering too. He's no longer physically violent, and his bubbly personality starts returning to him!! There are moments where he goes frozen, pale, starts sweating, breathing heavily -- though thankfully he finds it in himself to pull through it eventually. He's never gonna be the same again, but like. He's determined to be better. At the end of it all, he's helping the Valentine Sisters plant flowers in honour of the fallen.
I have more thoughts, and no more energy. Oml. I apologise to everyone who read any of this, aarghcgdh it's so unorganised.
I thought I would make posts lik this tho, since I do NOT plan on writing any more fics for this AU after I'm done with Cole's Games (although I AM considering writing the direct sequel. The 50th Hunger Games. But ohhh lord the chances are slim bc its so time-consuming sjsksh)
