Jesse has always been a bit of a loose canon . temperamental , ready to blow at the smallest hint of things . being what he is now , well , it isn’t a good combination . being volatile means he’s more liable to shift , to let his emotions explode outward , like they had earlier in his panic . but now he feels like he’s growing cold ,and even more so when Gabriel pulls away .
made up . the words alone make his chest constrict , and he looks away suddenly , his body shifting as he moves . he knows he shouldn’t have a right to feel jealous , but he’ll forever blame Jack as the reason he was forced to leave . the reason bad things happened . his fingers curl , and he finds himself somewhat wrapping arms around his torso , holding on as if he can find comfort in it . “ … so , you lost control . like .. before . what I saw . ” when they had fucked .
McCree can connect the dots enough , really , it isn’t difficult . suddenly he feels a cold slip down his spine , and he closes his eyes as he listens , chewing on his lower lip gently . he worries it to and fro , only to blow a sigh past his teeth as he looks back , seeing the vulnerable position Reyes put himself in .
a hand lifts , and he gently presses it to a bare shoulder , thumb tracing scars as he does . “ explains why I never … well . why I never saw you until now . ” Reyes had been busy , with Jack . there had been no seeking him out , and Jesse … well , he’d been reckless . got himself caught in things , but oh he’d be lying if he didn’t say he’d sobbed for Reyes the first transformation . begged to be found , to have help .
He’s quiet for a long time. Jesse’s not completely stupid, he knows he understood what he meant. “We didn’t--” he doesn’t want to say it. “It happened so fast, we barely--” his brow furrows, and he resists the urge to look back at him, to flinch at the feeling of Jesse’s hand on his shoulder. He shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. You must hate me. And I can’t blame you.”
If anything, his posture constricts further, as if bracing himself for whatever is coming next. “But you don’t-- know what it’s like. To have someone just fade, in your arms.” More than just in his arms, but it’s moot. He shakes his head. He doesn’t even know how to describe it. “It’s awful.” He looks back at Jesse. He felt like he needed to be honest about this, but he’d known how much it would hurt to uncover. His gaze unfocuses. “I can’t lose you, Jess. I can’t-- do that to you.”
He shrugs, as if to break the contact by it. “Sometimes I don’t even realise I’m doing it. I can’t control it at all Jess. I don’t want to wake up and find you--” His face goes blank with the memory of it. “Like that.”