Lily Potter

Some flowers bloom but once, and then die. So what are the wilted meant to do when they've been returned to take-root again?

[anevilqueen-deactivated20140721]

Let The Chaos Begin || Alecto & Lily

[anevilqueen-deactivated20140721]

Alecto turned away from the chaos in the office, returning to her desk where she poured herself a large scotch, taking a couple of sips as she relaxed in her leather chair. Her blue eyes drifted over the constant flow of papers soaring into the office, landing upon the desk. She considered reaching for one to find out what it was about, when Lily Potter entered. Of all the people Alecto expected to see during the course of the day, Lily Potter was not one of them – she wondered if the rest of her Order patrol would be emerging. She had yet to speak to the Potters at the same time.

“Miss. Potter, don’t you look lovely this morning.” She drained the remaining scotch in her glass while listening to the red-head attempt to hide the fact she would rather be anywhere else in the world but talking to a Carrow.

“For once Mr. Rosier is earning his pay.” Alecto commented with a hint of amusement, having never expected her dear friend to work as hard as he was being forced to this day. She set her empty glass down and waved towards the empty chair in front of her desk. “No appointment is necessary; it certainly hasn’t stopped anyone else from barging into the office since the news broke. Please sit, there’s enough fluttering about outside this room, no sense for the two of us to be losing our heads as well.”

Alecto generally would’ve poured herself another drink, however considering the company she decided against it, turning her chair straight on so she was facing Lily. “Miss. Vance is taking the lead on the proceedings, but I can tell you we are suggesting all of the Returned that voluntarily come in, need to go through a series medical exams and then you will be spoken to by your case worker. Our top priory of course, is to ensure the safety of the Returned and their families.” 

[repotted-lilyflower]

Lily raised an eyebrow, totally nonplussed. "Thanks," she said drily, making a mental inventory: ill-fitting second-hand clothes, half-combed hair, wan features, bags under her eyes, no make-up...yes, she was sure she was the very picture of feminine beauty today. "Great to see you too," Lily added in the same tone.

The smile she'd mustered thinned at the mention of Evan Rosier "earning his pay." Lily knew exactly what sort of things he had once considered a "good day's work," and the idea of the Ministry now paying for his time -- well, if anything confirmed that Lily was right in her assumptions about Alecto Carrow's allegiance, the fact that she had Rosier working as her assistant did, quite unarguably.

She wavered at the invitation to sit; wavered, but forced herself to sit down -- to cooperate. That's what you came here for after all, she reminded herself, her mental voice brisk and chiding. So Lily sat, and folded her hands in her lap, and then unfolded them and placed them on the arms of her chair, and then tucked them under her arms, and then folded them in her lap again. She couldn't get comfortable, but it wasn't the hard office chair, or the chaotic bustle around them, or even her worries about what was going on in the Wizarding World at large. It was the person she was sitting across from. Lily could have been seated in a plush nest of cushions inside an exclusive spa and she would have felt uncomfortable if it was Alecto Carrow she was sitting with.

So she smiled, politely, and nodded as Alecto explained -- but her face fell when she learned what the Ministry had planned. "More medical tests?" she exclaimed, unable to stop herself speaking her mind in her distress. "Why? What on earth for? We're not the ones causing problems! Not from what I've heard, anyway! What good will giving us medical examinations do? That's like -- like finding someone under attack by a dragon, and offering to style their hair for them! What's the point?"

[reckless-braveryx]

Storm Warning | Lily&James

[reckless-braveryx]

The sob that escaped Lily’s mouth echoed around the abandoned corridor. James suddenly wished he had the Map - something he hadn’t really thought about since his return - so he’d be able to take her some place where he knew they would be alone. He stopped walked and turned towards her, watching as she slumped against the wall dejectedly. He took a few steps towards her and reached out to grab her hand, but didn’t say anything. He didn’t know, either. Didn’t know if the spell was still working - didn’t know how to tell her the news he heard from the Ministry earlier that day.

James shrugged at her words. “Who knows why Voldemort did anything he did? He’s gone now, right?” But, was he really? Not exactly with the Horcrux Regulus had found before his death.

His head snapped to her the moment she suggested recreating the spell. The only reason it had happened in the first place was because she’d died – he wasn’t about to let that happened again. “Are you suggesting that you try to die again to see if the spell works?”

That wasn’t exactly what Lily had said, but James had never been known for a level-head. He’d jumped to conclusions before his death and it wasn’t something that had changed between then and now. Lily was desperate enough when it came to Harry’s safety that James wouldn’t be surprised if she would do it all over again on purpose. But her death didn’t just affect her – it affected everyone else too. And he wasn’t about to let his wife go.

“Because if that’s what you’re saying, then no. We’ll find another way to keep him safe.”

[repotted-lilyflower]

Lily nodded, trying to pull herself together--trying to be in control, to be strong. For James's sake, if not her own. It was harder than is usually was; harder than it used to be. Perhaps it was because they had been separated for so long (even though Lily didn't remember that), or perhaps it was just because dying has a way of making everything raw, but Lily found it harder to get a handle on her emotions in James's presence than she did when he wasn't around. Maybe it was just because being with James was one of the few times that it seemed she could actually feel her emotions properly, these days. He seemed to open-up something inside her, something hard and cold and numb. And that was wonderful, because even just standing next to him made her feel alive--but it also made it very, very hard not to cry.

"He is," she agreed aloud, so that he would know she believed him--would know that she knew the war was over. "Of course he is. I know that. It's just...I have to wonder. I just wish I knew!" This wasn't the time to mention the things that Severus had told her; wasn't the time to share her questions about her old friend's loyalties with her husband. Maybe it would never be the time; James was good at holding grudges (something they had in common, which was why Lily could recognize it in him so readily), and he had always hated Severus even before he had chosen to take the Mark...but Lily wondered.

She shook her head, trying to shake-off her roiling thoughts as easily. Before she could change the subject, James nearly gave himself whiplash, and Lily's hands raised instinctively to try and catch his arms, to hold him, to comfort and reassure--but they never made it across the narrow gap between them. The sheer intensity of the blazing look in James's deep brown eyes made her falter, and it ended up looking more as if she had raised her hands to ward-off a blow than anything else--but it was his words she was warding, his words and the idea they had kindled in her heart. Did she have to die so her son could live?

"Of course I'm not!" she said quickly, immediately, no hesitation--because James would have heard the slightest quaver in her voice, the slightest doubt, and because it was so automatic to reassure him, to offer comfort after so many years of war--automatic to lie about that one thing, the only thing they lied to each other about: are you all right? Of course. Both of them so strong, so stubborn--too strong, and too stubborn, to every tell the truth and admit to weakness. Hard even to admit to doubt, save in the darkest parts of the night when they whispered their fears into each other's arms and kept one another's secrets in the light.

"James--no, I would never, that's not what I meant at all." She shook her head, underlining her words with a ferocious gesture of denial--overplaying it perhaps, but her emotions were so raw and sharp right now that doing anything less would have felt small and fake, and not reflected the storm within her heart. "But if a spell has been cast once--and one strong enough to destroy Voldemort, no less!--then surely it can be done again, by people who know what they're doing, rather than just through an ignorant, almost accidental sacrifice. The sacrifice is already made, after all--I'm living proof of that," she said, with a somewhat bitter laugh. "There has to be a...a way to anchor the spell--if it is even coming loose in the first place--without resorting to anything so...so drastic. So insane!"

Lily smiled at him, wanting to chase away all worries and doubts. "I hardly came back from the dead to force my son to lose his mother twice, after all," she said firmly. She reached out for him again, this time wrapping her hands loosely around his arms, a limp embrace that didn't press or pressure but was, nonetheless, there for him if he wanted it. There, and not going anywhere; not dying again. But part of Lily wondered if maybe that--protecting Harry, saving him again, one last time--if maybe that wasn't the reason why she'd come back in the first place. And if it came down to it, would she hesitate to give her life for her son's a second time?

For once, Lily knew the answer to one of her questions without a moment's thought: of course she would.

[anevilqueen-deactivated20140721]

Let The Chaos Begin || Alecto & Lily

The inhabitants of the office were all in a flutter. Paper airplanes were zooming about the room, above the heads of Ministry workers endeavoring to figure out who could be attacking the Returned, and Alecto stood rigidly in the open doorway of her office, her arms folded across her chest. Both she and Emmerline were called into the office early in the morning, when the body of a Returned wizard was discovered. Whatever was happening couldn’t be contained within the Ministry any longer and the co-heads of the department were required to inform the Minister for Magic.

Hours were spent behind closed doors, discussing the best course of action and finally when she had enough caffeine surging through her veins, it was decided the Ministry would request the Returned and their families would be come into the Ministry for questioning and safe keeping. Emmerline was personally undertaking the task of arranging housing for those that came in – somewhere close where Ministry officials could stand guard.

However, Alecto waited, and observed as people began drifting into the office after the notice was announced. It wasn’t these people she was worried about, she was concerned for the ones that wouldn’t come in, and she’d yet to see a familiar face amongst the Returned.

[repotted-lilyflower]

Lily didn't want to be here--wanted to be anywhere but here, in fact--but she knew it was time to be sensible. Yes, she had finally gotten her hands on a wand again; Ollivander's expression had been unreadable when he had placed the thin, coveted stick in her hand, but it was hers, her wand, and if it wasn't quite the same wand it had once been--well, it would still serve, she was sure of that. And Lily would readily admit that without a wand in her pocket, she would never have entered Alecto Carrow's domain willingly.

But enter she did, because being able to protect herself wasn't enough; she had to protect her family, and find some way to return them to her. And showing respect for the Ministry, cooperating with them, seemed the fastest way to do that, no matter how much the idea of going to Alecto stuck in Lily's throat. Her words did too, but she managed to conjure-up a smile from somewhere and plaster it to her face before she walked over to Carrow's desk.

It wasn't much of a smile, but of course this wasn't a smiling time. And even a thin, grim smile would at least hide the stiff cold that had settled over Lily's limbs at the sight of the other woman. She has to be a Death Eater, Lily thought bitterly, how dare she sit there like she has any right to be in charge of us?But Lily knew better than to say as much aloud. Instead she smiled, and waited for Alecto to notice her, and then said politely--the words forced out through gritted teeth behind her small, strained smile-- "Excuse me, Miss Carrow. I'm afraid your...assistant outside was too busy for me to check with. Is this where we're meant to report to? I haven't got an appointment but I thought, under the circumstances...with the Ministry telling us to come in as soon as possible...well anyway, here I am."

[repotted-lilyflower]

Ashes, Ashes... || Para || Lily & Sirius

[the-brightstar-deactivated20141]

"Ohh, you didn’t talk much, hm?” Sirius did pick up on that, as predictable as it was. He wasn’t one to let an opportunity like that go to waste, and seeing Lily flush beside him made it feel a little like the old times. Her reaction to the pub was as glorious as the idea itself. “Yes, Evans. Me and James. A pub. A glorious pub. Somewhere nice. It’s not like we couldn’t afford the real estate between us. You’ll be married to a business man.” He nudged her gently with his elbow, unsure of whether she was actually warming to the idea. He didn’t need her permission of course, and he would have argued that James didn’t either, but he wouldn’t hear the end of it if he managed to get James into trouble over this.

He laughed outright, one burst that warmed his chest, when she mentioned Remus. “James said he was going to ask Remus to be part of the plan,” Sirius explained. “It wouldn’t be as much fun without him. Apparently he prefers his bakery. I reckon he just needs some time to come around,” he shrugged his shoulders. “You know how he is when it comes to this stuff, and especially when we try to help out. He’s a stubborn git; it’s not like it’s a free pass. We’ll all have to work our arses off to get the thing up and running. Besides,” he grinned, “I was hoping to pass off organising the finances to him. I don’t have the patience for it.”

He was still trying to find a balance; when to mention Harry and when not to. “Merlin, does he talk,” Sirius nodded, unable to keep the smile from his face. He didn’t know whether it would help Lily or not, but he wanted her to know that Harry was doing well under his care and that the kid wasn’t mute from repeated trauma or something. “Talks his little head off sometimes, doesn’t matter if you’re listening or not -” he had to stop talking though, because Lily was trying to tell him something and maybe he couldn’t always stop for long enough to hear someone out, this was about Harry and it was important. Anything to do with Harry was important. When Lily took a deep breath, Sirius was so wired over what she was going to say that he actually had to stop walking and turn to listen to her. “I’m listening. C’mon, spit it out.”

Whatever he’d thought she was going to say; that she wanted Harry back right now, or that he’d done a terrible job with her son, or that she wished they’d never made him godfather in the first place - her actual words were entirely unexpected. He could hardly fathom it, though now that she said it, it seemed like the perfect idea. He could still Harry (though not as much as he did now), Harry wouldn’t be subject to as much change, and James and Lily could get to be with their son again. But he wasn’t losing Harry, and that was the thought that resonated above all others. “Lily, take a breath,” he said, reaching out to rub one hand up her arm in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. “Of course I’ll do it. That’s better than what I thought -” Sirius shook his head. “There’s nothing I’ve put on hold that I wouldn’t put on hold again for your kid. I’m not saying I don’t miss the free time,” he joked, trying to cover up his bubbling emotion, more or less. “We’ll be fine. We’ll work it out.”

If it was possible to get whiplash from how changeable a conversation was, this would be the time to get it. Sirius welcomed her laugh and the break from the tension though. He wasn’t sure they could have talked about things like this during the war, or maybe even before it, with a equal level of tension and calm to balance the conversation. They’d come a long way since those early days and as useful as that was, Sirius didn’t exactly like to be reminded of it. “That’s what I thought,” he accepted the comment with a gracious nod, or as gracious as Sirius could appear. “But your loving husband suggested that you might not be too happy about the female part of that arrangement.” He grinned at her wink and raised his hands, shrugging innocently. “I can’t speak for James of course. I loved the idea as a kid because of the horror it would have brought my mother. Anything after that is a bonus.”

[repotted-lilyflower]

Lily sighed, far too used to both Sirius and James to be in any way actually horrified by the teasing, and shook her head ruefully. She really had walked in to that one. The obvious glee in Sirius's tone as he talked about the pub--and continued to tease her--sent a smile creeping across her lips in spite of her best efforts to maintain a stern, unimpressed demeanor. When he nudged her, a snort slipped free, and she gave up the pretense of prefect-sobriety. "Oh good," she said, her dry tone belied by her crooked smirk, "I've always wanted to have a good society marriage. I'm so relieved to hear that James will finally be turning over a respectable leaf. I'm sure I have your stellar example to credit that to, thank you ever so much Sirius, I'm truly in your debt."

Of course, it wasn't James's "layabout" lifestyle that had made him unfit company for "polite" society, but rather the blood-status of his wife, but given Lily's feelings about said "polite" society, she didn't much give a damn about their opinion.

Still, she was definitely relieved to hear that Remus was going to be involved. She made a face when Sirius explained the root of his reluctance, though. "I do know," Lily said, rolling her eyes with a sad little sigh. She supposed it was coming from a Muggle-background that did it, but Lily had always thought that Remus's issues with his lycanthropy were more his issues than anyone else's--although she had to admit that there had been more than a few members of the Order reluctant to get involved with anything to do with werewolves, which of course was what had made poor Remus such a valuable asset when it came to infiltrating their ranks...Really, the whole thing was tragic, but Lily didn't see where Remus making himself into a martyr helped--although she could admit that her own pride made such thoughts a little hypocritical. But only a little.

"Well," she suggested brightly, "what if you couched it more as him doing you a favor? Tell Moony how leery I am about this whole idea--and I am leery," Lily added, her tone becoming mock-stern for the brief aside, "more than a little afraid that the two of you left alone will result in nothing but ruin and disaster. It truly would be a weight off my mind if he would agree to help, even a little. As you say--he's got the sort of patience that both of you lack." Another thought occurred to her, the fourth Marauder who could never be forgotten no matter what he sometimes admitted to fearing, and Lily frowned. "What about Peter?" she asked. "You're not going to try and drag him into trouble again with this, are you? Remus is one thing, he can look after himself against your little schemes, but you know that when you and James get together Peter is terribly vulnerable to your suggestions..." Her voice trailed off as she spoke, Lily somehow sensing that something was terribly wrong without having any idea what.

She had to stifle a sob, her hand pressed so tightly to her mouth that she practically split her lips open on her teeth, when Sirius talked about Harry. She nodded, took a deep but shuddering breath, and blinked have hot tears. "Thank you," she whispered. Before Lily could stop to think about dignity--and what good was dignity anyway, when one was among friends?--she flung her arms around Sirius in a tight hug. Lily tried to put all the things she couldn't properly articulate into that hug; her immeasurable gratitude for his looking after her son, her grief at losing so much of Harry's life, her hunger to see him again, her love for the man who'd stood-in for Harry's dead parents, her regret that he had had to...everything, all the feelings that practically swamped her, the only things that ever seemed to really pierce the blanket of numbness she'd been wrapped in since stepping out of that accursed Veil.

It occurred to her dimly, distantly, that maybe Sirius had actually been regretting have Harry's parents take over again--but no, that was absurd. She was just projecting again; an awful habit of hers. Sirius Black, the devil-may-care rebel blood-traitor, had no interest in being tied-down by a toddler, of course not! He had to be, surely, nothing but relieved to be let off the hook at last--but maybe, a small voice whispered in the back of Lily's mind, maybe he can be glad about that, and about you and James being back, and still think he'll miss having Harry all to himself--a little bit. Lily worried her lip, trying to sort-out her feelings from Sirius's, trying to step-back and see things from his point of view, not just hers--but that was a talent Lily had always been lacking in. She settled for just saying, again, "Thank you, Padfoot. That means the world to me--really. Just as I'm sure it will to Harry. And James, of course. Thank you. Our family wouldn't--wouldn't even--without you--"

Lily swallowed hard, blinked rapidly, and took a deep breath. "Well. We really just wouldn't, that's all. Not without you."

The watery, warbling laugh that burst from her lips as Sirius's teasing resumed was like a sharp shock to tense and serious nerves; her smile felt like ice breaking in a sudden thaw across her face. "Well, my loving husband underestimates me, I think; or at least, underestimates how much I enjoy making him squirm. I'm sure I'll find some way to entertain myself with your wait-staff--especially thanks to your so-considerate egalitarianism. Besides, as you say, anything to horrify your mother--although I have to admit, it does seem in bad-taste to pick on her with her house still burning to ash behind us, but I suppose she's earned her just-desserts..."

[repotted-lilyflower]

Frozen Fire || OPEN

Lily stared down at her feet, shod in ragged second-hand trainers whose rubber soles were already beginning to peel away at the sides. Those shoes, and the feet within them, were currently planted in a frozen puddle. Lily hadn't noticed the shimmer of ice against the kerb until she'd stepped off and into it, breaking the thin crust and immersing her feet in several inches of frigid water. Frigid water that was seeping in through her broken shoes and soaking her socks.

Frigid water that she could barely feel.

"What's wrong with me?" Lily whispered. She sat down, quite suddenly, on the cold sidewalk. She could barely feel that, either; it was just a hard, dull surface beneath her rear; hardly colder than her own flesh. The pebbles digging in to her faded denims felt like they were separated from her skin by several layers of thick fabric--much thicker than her worn jeans.

It didn't occur to her to remove her feet from the puddle.

She might have sat there until she'd frozen solidly into a block of ice herself, starting at the feet and working upward until even her fiery hair was quenched, if she had been left to her own devices. Certainly she was far too numb--and even the horror she felt at her lack of sensation was dull, muffled, several wraps of cotton-wool removed from her awareness--to realize that sitting as she was, she was sure to draw somebody's attention, even in this dismal, back-end corner of Diagon Alley.

[flatline-fabian]

Some Other Guy // Fabian & Lily

[flatline-fabian]

Fabian took a half step backward, leaning on his back foot and then forward. He licked his lips again, feeling the agitation internally, even through his amusement. She was so obviously touched in the head from her journey to death and back he wouldn’t dare take her seriously. But despite her obvious lack of clarity and refusal to accept his logic he continued to open his mouth. “No, then you might as well have killed yourself anyway,” he spoke with a matter-of-fact tone. “Wouldn’t it have been much better if you’d learned from those who went before you and stopped listening to that crackpot of an old man? He pretends as if he knows everything but all he ever did was get people killed, yeah? All while he sits behind a fucking desk and smokes a pipe like he never did anything wrong.”

He rolled his eyes, “I don’t care what I did or didn’t do. It doesn’t matter. That’s the point, none of it mattered. In fact, maybe I’m better off, I didn’t work as hard as you did to achieve nothing, if you want to argue that you did more.” He shrugged and tilted his head at her, despite the urgent whispering in his ears and the angry redhead in front of him, he did his best to remain outwardly casual. “At least I can sleep well at night knowing I died fighting rather than hiding like a coward.” He thought about it for a moment before letting out a little laugh and adding, “not that it means anything, either way you’re dead, yeah?”

In response to her threat, Fabian laughed louder. He hoped it would annoy her and he doubted she was capable of dealing as much damage as his first killers had. “Thanks for the concern over my good mood, but I’m perfectly content. You on the other hand, sounds like you might benefit from a visit to St. Mungos. Could be they can remove that stick someone shoved up your arse.” He wagged his eyebrows at her and grinned.

[repotted-lilyflower]

"You're blaming Dumbledore?" Lily's voice came out as a cross between a shriek and a squeak, utterly scandalized. "The one person who never, ever hesitated to stand against Voldemort--the person who organized the whole resistance--you're blaming him because...because what, because you're grumpy and you need a scapegoat?" Her voice grew louder as she spoke, increasing proportionately to her outrage. "I suppose you're one of those who likes to blame Muggle-borns when they're attacked by blood-supremacists, or witches when they're propositioned? You like to think that people were 'asking for it,' is that it? Blame the attacked, not the aggressor?"

Lily shook her head wildly, furiously. "You utter twit! It's a war! Or it was, anyway! People are going to die--that's what happens in wars! You think Dumbledore wanted that? No! Of course not! I can tell you from personal experience that he did everything he could to prevent that, but he's not some kind of god--just a wizard!" She ground her teeth together, infuriated at the selfish, immature imbecile in front of her. "Furthermore, not only is there no bloody point in telling somebody they should 'know better' so they can stop something that's already happened, but your whole argument is just built on the fact that you're pissy at Dumbledore?"

Her face twisted into a sneer of disgust. "It's not my arse that should concern you, you moron, but your head, because it's clearly not screwed on straight. You think I need a visit to St. Mungo's? I think you need to spend some time in the Janus Thickney Ward--by which I mean, all your time. You're completely mental, and you're an absolute arse. Not a good combination. If you don't get yourself re-killed through your own stupidity, you're going to do it by crossing the line with the wrong person."

And if--when--that happened, Lily wouldn't cry a single tear. After what he'd said to her, she'd be far more likely to shake the hand of whoever did the good deed. And maybe buy they flowers.

[repotted-lilyflower]

{owl} Dearest Lily, I didn't get the chance to catch up with you during the New Years Eve party and thought I'd send you an owl to see how you are? If you need anything at all, don't hesitate to ask. Yours truly, Alecto Carrow.

You’re too kind. Really. Far too kind.

And I’m just devastated that we somehow missed one another at the party. I suppose it was the crowd, making it so hard to spot the people one most wanted to converse with. What a shame.

Maybe next year.

~Lily

[anevilqueen-deactivated20140721]

[owl] It really was a shame, your husband however made time to speak with me. He really is quite charming, and I enjoyed our conversation greatly. From what he said, I think he and I will be seeing each other soon enough.

Pass on my regards to him,

Alecto Carrow

[repotted-lilyflower]

Believe me I will.

~Lily

[repotted-lilyflower]

{owl} Dearest Lily, I didn't get the chance to catch up with you during the New Years Eve party and thought I'd send you an owl to see how you are? If you need anything at all, don't hesitate to ask. Yours truly, Alecto Carrow.

You’re too kind. Really. Far too kind.

And I’m just devastated that we somehow missed one another at the party. I suppose it was the crowd, making it so hard to spot the people one most wanted to converse with. What a shame.

Maybe next year.

~Lily

[repotted-lilyflower]

Ashes, Ashes... || Para || Lily & Sirius

[the-brightstar-deactivated20141]

"Oh crap, he hasn’t told you yet." Sirius laughed, slapping a hand to his face. He hadn’t even been talking to Lily for twenty minutes yet and he was already running his mouth. James probably hadn’t had a chance to mention it to her yet, what with everything going on, but Sirius was hoping that his friend really was serious about the idea. It gave him something to look forward to, something to channel his money into, and probably something to get busy with once the Potters had taken Harry back and he didn’t have to worry about a three year old all day everyday any more. The idea was a little frightening. Everything he did seemed to revolve around Harry; he barely remembered what free time was like without a toddler clinging to your leg. "He probably just hasn’t had a chance to mention it yet," he tried to reassure Lily. "It was just an idea when we talked about it. I mean - we’ve talked about it before, but never seriously. Now it’s a real option." The grin on his face was a proud one, almost saying ‘oh you’re really going to love this’. "We’re going to open a pub. Our own bar. If there’s one business James and I know; it’s drink."

Sirius was more than happy to let the subject, that was too close to imprisonment and the Returned, go. He didn’t like the way his mind went when he thought about Azkaban, or when someone tried to speak to him about it. The Returned weren’t exactly an easy subject either, not with the concerns flying around about the people who’d come back. Regulus’ letter came to mind, and that was more worrying than anything else. Was he going to start getting into Regulus’ psycho-babble now? Start wondering about the self, or whatever had been in that letter? It was enough to have Harry and the Potters and the fire and the horcrux on his mind. He could leave the Returned philosophy to someone else.

The clench to his arm wasn’t exactly unexpected, but that didn’t mean that he still didn’t feel it. He let out a quiet hiss in reaction, but otherwise kept walking. Talking about this had to be hard for Lily, and Sirius wasn’t all that keen to approach the awkward subject either, but it had to be done. And apparently it was going to be done now.  “I’m glad too,” he agreed, with a quick nod. “We’ve been working it out, the two of us. He was a lot bigger than I remembered, when I picked him up. Er, I guess that’ll be true for you too.” He made a face, already regretting the words, but pressing on.

Lily’s suggestion  - request? - that Harry stay with him a little longer warmed his chest and put a smile on his face. He knew that they were going to have to take Harry eventually, but the thought of holding on just a little longer to the peace (and occasional chaos) that he’d found with his godson was comforting. “Lils - I’ll keep him however long you need me to.” He rubbed at his arm, above where there arms were looped. “Don’t know what I’ll do when you take him, to be honest. Not exactly looking forward to it.” It was a hard truth, but one that he’d been dying to speak since James had brought up the subject of taking Harry back. It wasn’t fair to walk in and just take Harry from him - and now maybe that wasn’t going to happen. “I don’t have to think about it. You don’t even have to ask.”

He was more than grateful that she latched on to his change of subject, and he patted her arm in a way that might have been mocking between two different people, but was fond between the two of them. “The pub. When we were kids -” They were still kids, really. “At school, James and I, we talked about having a pub, with the bartender uniforms being only Quidditch jerseys and shorts.” He turned his head and winked ridiculously, lowering his voice as if telling her a secret. “I suggested we have male bartenders as well, to even the playing field.” And for entirely selfish reasons, of course, not that he was going to admit to that.

[repotted-lilyflower]

"No," Lily said, flushing slightly, "he didn't mention anything about any business plans with you. I'm afraid we--we didn't really talk about, um. About very much." She was sure that Sirius was going to interpret that differently than she'd meant it, but there was no way to fix what she'd accidentally implied without making it worse, so she bit her tongue and listened to her friend's explanation. As Sirius spoke, a feeling of steadily-growing horror rose in Lily's chest. Her eyes seemed to grow wider with every word, until she worried that they might well pop right out of their sockets and roll away across the pavement. The satisfied, proud--maybe even arrogant--grin on Sirius's face did nothing to make her feel better...even though there was, as seemed to always be the case when James and his friends were plotting something they really shouldn't, a small part of Lily that was intrigued, elated.

When she finally forced words out through her soundlessly-working lips, her voice was a strangled combination of horror and amusement: "You and James...running a pub?" Lily stopped in the middle of the road, just flat-out stopped. Sirius did not, and Lily quickly jerked back into motion to keep up; she didn't have much choice if she didn't want to trip them both or risk twisting her arm out of its socket, linked as the limb was through Sirius's elbow. She repeated the words again, as if that would help them sink-in: "You and James, running a pub. Together. A pub." Lily stared at the tall, thin-faced, dark-haired man next to her. Her feet moved on autopilot, stumbling slightly on unseen divots and protrusions in the ground. "You and James are going to run a pub? You and James?" Lily shook her head. "Please, please tell me that you at least managed to talk Remus into helping you..." She wasn't sure if Peter would be a help or not; he was so easily persuaded to go along with whatever Sirius or James came up with, he might well exacerbate any situations. But Remus was at least sensible enough to...well, to keep them from burning the place down, anyway!

Lily scrubbed a hand across her face, feeling a traitorous grin stretch her lips, quite against her will. She really could see the two of them--or, hopefully, the three of them--doing it though, that was the scary part. Maybe not well, maybe not successfully, maybe not professionally--but she could see them doing it. And doubtless managing to make the place quite a hit with their fellow wizards and witches, whether the venture proved actually lucrative or not. If it was going to be a disaster, and Lily wouldn't have been surprised if it was, well then god help her she wanted to be there to see it. That's always been my problem, Lily thought ruefully, too much lion in my bloodstream. I could have married some dull, normal fellow, but no...I want to see the fireworks whether they go-off in the air or explode in my face. That's my problem all right...

A sudden lump in her throat almost strangled Lily. She had to swallow several times to force it away, and she blinked her eyes furiously to clear them of the tears that the sharp, acrid smoke had caused to well-up with its sting. "He's probably talking now, too," she whispered quietly, "really talking..." Lily cleared her throat and shook her head, seizing on the rest of Sirius's words in an effort to banish the sudden, squeezing pain in her heart. "Padfoot, you--no, that's not what I meant. I mean, it is what I meant, but it's not all I meant. I mean..." Lily sighed, frustrated, and ran a hand through her hair. "I don't know how to explain what I want, there's not really a word for it...you're already basically his uncle, but...what I'm asking, and I know it's asking a lot, and I'll understand if you've had enough toddler-rearing to last you a lifetime--I mean, you never asked to be a parent..."

Lily took a deep breath and tried to order her words. "I'm asking if you'll...well, if you'll sort of share partial custody, basically. Let Harry spend the night at your house once or twice a week sometimes, visit him more than before--there's no war, so you could come 'round more often, when we get a place for you to come 'round too I mean, and of course I don't expect you to put your life on hold or anything, I'm sure there are lots of things you've had to neglect in order to take care of Harry and I honestly can't be more grateful, and I know I have no right to ask for anything more, but...but I just don't want to snatch you away from Harry. He won't understand. If you could just...sometimes...oh." She grimaced in frustration. "I'm sorry," Lily said quietly, "I know it's too much to ask, really, after everything you've already done, but..." She shrugged, helpless, and out of words with which to keep explaining. If she kept talking she was going to end up begging, and Lily was not a woman who begged. Not even from her friends.

The mental image of Sirius's bar-staff fantasy was a welcome break in the tension. Lily laughed, as much from relief as actual amusement, and found that she could breathe almost easily again, the tightness that had seized her lungs upon discussion of Harry lifting. "You know, I think I remember something along those lines...or at least, I remember a lot of stammered excuses and quickly-changed subjects whenever I heard anyone talk about such topics." She gave a solemn nod then grinned teasingly, adding, "It's very sweet of you to want to be fair and balanced in your staffing arrangements. Thank you, Sirius. That's quite altruistic of you, really." She winked. "Unless there's something you and James would like to tell me?"

[reckless-braveryx]

Storm Warning | Lily&James

James had heard the nicknames before, but they had never sunk in until uttered by Dumbledore himself. The Chosen One. The Boy Who Lived. To James, they all meant one thing: his little boy was in danger and always would be. There was no escaping it - as long as Harry lived, Death Eaters would be after him and people would be staring. Sirius had told James that he was famous, but it was easy to shrug it off until their old headmaster confirmed the news.

The only one to survive the killing curse. And all because Lily had died for him. It was a lot to process, especially in such a short amount of time. They didn’t even have their son in their custody yet and the news that he was in danger, that Lily’s charm of love may or may no longer be working now that she was back from the dead, and that the Returned Death Eaters might still be thinking of war on their son made it all more urgent that he was in their care. Who could protect him better than his own parents? Sirius was great, but he wasn’t Harry’s dad (even though James’ sinking gut told him Harry would rather have his godfather over his father) and he hadn’t died to protect him.

There was also that horrible feeling of jealous - not because of Lily’s death, but because of what her death had done for their son. She would always have the upper-hand here and James wished for the first time ever that he’d been given a chance to step aside. Maybe then Lily and Harry could’ve survived - because of his love. Wasn’t that what his death was supposed to do, anyway? Safe his family and keep them from harm. There weren’t many times since James had gotten his head out of his arse that he wanted to use his privilege to his advantage, but this would’ve been one of those times where he wished being a pureblood would’ve meant something. Meant that Voldemort wanted him enough to give him a chance to live, while Lily and Harry died. James could’ve been the hero he always wanted to be then. He thought he had been, but Lily had taken the cake with that one. James’ death meant nothing when it came to Harry’s survival.

There would be a lot of bad news tonight — and he hadn’t even mentioned to Lily how his meeting with the Ministry went. 

He ran a hand through his hair - a habit even death couldn’t break - as he and Lily walked from Dumbledore’s office and down the corridors of their old alma mater. It was several minutes before he spoke and, when he died, his voice was quiet and slightly hoarse. So unlike the confident and reckless James Potter that roamed these halls as a student.

"Do you think the… charm is still working then? Are you still protecting him?"

[repotted-lilyflower]

Lily had been holding it together. She had. She'd spoken calmly to Dumbledore, had listened and nodded and frowned seriously, thinking about his words and what they meant, and she had held it together; had kept her cool, maintained her calm. And then James spoke.

With a rough, ragged sob, Lily turned and slumped backward against the wall. Cold stones pressed against her back, anchoring her to a reality that she wanted nothing to do with. She felt like she was trapped in a whirlwind. Discovering that her death was what had saved her son--that she had literally died for him, not just died trying to save him but actually succeeding beyond her wildest dreams, because it hadn't been her death that had stopped Voldemort, but her death that had, in fact, created some powerful ancient charm of protection around her son...learning everything Dumbledore could tell her about that, about how she was still keeping Harry safe by having died...to finding out that living again might have broken that charm--it was too much.

Then on top of that, to learn that the Prophecy was true? To learn that their son, their precious baby, had been marked...scarred...by Voldemort, given power by him? Lily couldn't bring herself to look up at James, to face him. Why hadn't she simply run? Why hadn't she been carrying her wand? She could have taken Harry and Apparated away, found somewher else to hide...but without James, a horrified voice whispered in the back of her mind, could you really have Apparated away with the baby while you listened to your husband dying? Lily shook her head, trying to shut the voice up, because she knew--she knew she'd have done anything to keep Harry safe. That's why she'd run upstairs when James had said to, why she had run for the baby instead of for her wand. Why she'd been helpless to do anything but die.

But in dying she had saved her son...

It was too much. Lily's head was reeling. She looked up at James, her eyes burning but too hot and dry to cry. At least she didn't feel numb for once, although at this point, numb might have been preferable to the storm of emotions raging inside her. She couldn't think of any way to articulate all of that, any of that, so instead she answered James simply:

"I don't know."

Lily ran her own hands through her thick red hair, unconsciously echoing James's gesture of frustration, although hers ended with a savage tugging at the ends of her long locks, as if the jolt might somehow shake her ragged thoughts back into place. "I don't even understand how I managed to...to cast it in the first place. I mean, I understand what Dumbledore said, how it worked...by choosing to die for him...but I don't understand why. Why did he give me the chance to stand aside? Why did he offer to let me live? Was he just--just toying with me? Testing me? To see if a Muggle-born was capable of love, or if I'd give-up my baby to save myself?" She shook her head again, violently, wishing she could cry; it might relieve some of pressure she was feeling inside, but her eyes remained dry and hollow. "I don't know," she whispered, "I just don't know...and if it's not," she added, more to herself than to James, "is it possible to re-cast it somehow?"

[yesterdays-felo-de-se]

New Years Resolutions | Para | Regulus + Lily

[yesterdays-felo-de-se]

The question about where he lived caught Regulus by surprise. He thought most knew he hadn’t been living at home but, then again, his common knowledge and others common knowledge wasn’t often at a cross-roads lately. “I haven’t—I wasn’t living at home.” Explaining Walburga wasn’t something Regulus was equipped for so he simply took a drink and shrugged. “My mother… well, my father died. Then I died.” It had been awkward coming home. “A ministry worker helped me get a flat. You know, most places in Diagon aren’t comfortable with… us.”

Which didn’t entirely explain what he was doing at Grimmauld Place, then, but maybe explained a little why neither Sirius nor Regulus had been wrangling and angry old woman out front when Lily walked by. He shrugged again, a little uncomfortable but not like before. “I haven’t actually spoken to Narcissa yet. At all. I mean. Lucius died.” It seemed strange and crass to him that she was hosting the returned party. Here were all these formerly dead people alive and well—while her husband was still no where to be seen. Maybe she expected to find out something about the Veil by talking to everyone but Regulus still wasn’t sure he wanted to meet her. “I didn’t choose to come back but…” He was here and Lucius was not. He hadn’t met Draco either.

"Oh!" He added when things felt a bit too uncomfortable. "Maybe you’d know what the thing in my cabinet is." There was a moment of awkward shuffling as this was hardly an exciting turn in conversation even if it finally veered away from their families. He held his hands apart a little less than a foot and frowned at the empty space. "Its metal, I think. And heavy. There’s this brown flower on the side." Still holding his drink he made up and down motions with his hand—parallel to each other. "These holes get red hot and spark when you push the lever down." He had, apparently, taken the time to thoroughly inspect the strange item. "Why do muggles need to dry hand towels so quickly?"

[repotted-lilyflower]

Lily flinched, regretting that she had unintentionally forced Regulus to discuss unhappy subjects...although Lily suspected that few of the once-dead had many happy subjects to discuss. She managed a wry smile and a nod of agreement. "I do know," she said, "most people in general seem to be uncomfortable with us. But, that was good of the Ministry--to help you find a place? That's good. Are you alone?" She frowned, hoping that he wasn't; Regulus didn't seem like the sort of person who ought to be left on his own. Lily certainly wasn't enjoying her current solitude. "Where is your flat? Are you doing all right there?"

She was just glad that her conversation with Sirius had made it clear that Walburga had not been at home during the fire. She'd have hated to have to ask Regulus whether or not he had accidentally burned his mother to death. Thankfully, she didn't have to ask.

Lily couldn't stop herself twitching to look over her shoulder at the mention of the Malfoys. She turned around and forced a pleasant smile. "Yes," she said, "yes, I heard about that--it was after me, though. So I don't know...anything about it." She chewed her lip, not enjoying trying to make small talk about people that she was sure were her enemies. Of course, she was already at their party...even if she hadn't come willingly...

Lily seized gratefully on the chance to talk about the awkward, but less horrifying, subject of their death and rebirth. "No," she agreed, "no I didn't choose to either...I mean, I would have--maybe I did, and just didn't know it? Subconsciously?--but I don't remember choosing anything..." She blinked thoughtfully, wondering for the first time why more than how and what. Why me? Lily didn't know what else to say to that, unfortunately, but she didn't want to talk about the Malfoys again, so she said nothing--mind racing as she tried to find a different topic.

"The thing in your cabinet?" Lily repeated curiously. It took her a few moments to realize that Regulus was talking about something at this flat, and then longer to sort out what exactly he was asking about. "Are you...are you talking about a toaster?" Lily shook her head, biting back something that was probably a smile but might have been a grimace of horror. "The holes, are there two of them? Thin, a little shorter than the length of your hand? Perfectly sized to, for instance, put bread into?" Then the rest of what he'd said sunk in. Lily grabbed Regulus's arm, her eyes going wide. "Oh, no! You're not putting towels in there, are you? You can't do that. They'll catch on fire! Regulus, a toaster is--it's just a device for cooking food, but if you use it differently..."

It occurred to Lily that there was a certain irony here. Regulus and fire, apparently, should never mix.

"Look, is there anyone you're close to who knows about Muggle things? Because someone should come to your flat and, well, and explain what all the...things in it are. And if you don't know of anyone, I'll do it. Because someone needs to."

[repotted-lilyflower]

I can't believe I'm here.

[reckless-braveryx]

First pureblood-style party? If I remember correctly, you once threw a drink in my mum’s friends face for insisting you weren’t good enough for me at something like this.

We should probably go… mingle or something, though. As much as I think these people can kiss my arse, it their arses that decide whether or not we get our son back.

I’ll see you later, yeah?

[repotted-lilyflower]

Oh Merlin, you're right...I think I'd blocked that memory. Thanks for reminding me.

Yes, yeah, that's a good idea. I'm good now, promise. I'll go...mingle. Yay. And I promise not to throw my drink in anybody's face. You know, at least not unless they really deserve it.

[repotted-lilyflower]

Ashes, Ashes... || Para || Lily & Sirius

[the-brightstar-deactivated20141]

"Honestly, it’s more of a pain in the arse than anything else," Sirius told her, kicking at a loose stone as they walked. "I already had money from my uncle - this is just excessive, stuff I gave up when I left. Regulus wouldn’t take more than a small bit. Stubborn shit." He rolled his eyes, but Regulus would always be a complicated subject. "It just means I’ve got more money than I know what to do with. I’m hoping to invest a large chunk of it into going into business with your husband."

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust his friends with whatever information he would disclose on Azkaban, or that he felt that they’d judge him or any other manor of excuses for not talking about his experience. He’d been out for months and he still hadn’t spoken to Remus about it, let alone the friends that had just returned from the dead. Though, there was the nagging thought at the back of his mind that once James and Lily heard what Azkaban had been like, what he’d been like when he got out, they wouldn’t want him near Harry any more. The thought scared him - and had been the source of more than one nightmare since the Returned had started… returning.  “I always try to be reassuring,” he said sarcastically, instead of voicing any of that. “Aren’t I always reassuring?”

Sirius’ face turned hard as Lily started thanking him, pouring out emotions that he hadn’t expected from her. Not today at least. He’d been expecting a fire-fueled Lily who demanded to see her son and would berate Sirius for going along with the Ministry’s wishes as long as he had. He wasn’t entirely undeserving of that conversation, he knew. He’d been perfectly happy to dismiss Ministry decisions in the past and it probably seemed strange that he had adhered to this one so far. But Sirius was constantly plagued with the reality that the Ministry could decide he wasn’t fit to care for Harry, and that the Potters weren’t either, and then where would Harry be? Back with the muggles, or worse.

"You don’t owe me anything for that," Sirius told her, expression still hard as stone as he kept his gaze ahead of them, directing Lily around a corner and further away from the scene of Grimmauld place. "I wouldn’t have agreed to be his godfather if I wasn’t prepared to take care of him." Except that he hadn’t expected it, had thought that James Potter was invincible, that he would have been the one to die during the war, doing something either terribly heroic or horribly stupid. "It’s hard not to love him, anyway. I dare anyone not to fall in love with the kid. I just wish I-" He wished a lot of things. "I wish I could have had him sooner. I mean," he shook his head. "I wish I could’ve taken him straight away."

Sirius coughed to clear his throat again, choosing to pretend that neither of them had tears in their eyes because of the topic at hand. “I’ll keep that in mind for the next time I need an accomplice, though. How do you feel about bartenders in Quidditch jerseys?” he asked jokingly, more to steer them away from the current subject than out of any genuine curiosity.

[repotted-lilyflower]

Lily nodded thoughtfully, noticing the way Sirius's voice changed--or was it her imagination? Was she just projecting again? No, surely not--when he mentioned Regulus. She was sure that she detected a softening of his usual tone, a warmth, an affection. Exasperation too of course but, well--Sirius Black, of all people, ought to be able to handle the concept of mixing exasperation with affection. Before she could comment on Sirius's wealth and his casual dismissal of it, or worse say something potentially unwelcome about his brother, Sirius made an announcement that almost stopped Lily dead in her tracks. If her arm hadn't been linked through his, so that stopping would have left one or both of them stumbling and tripped, she probably would have frozen like a deer suddenly facing a lorry's brightening headlights.

"You're going into business with James?" she repeated, her own eyes wide. "You...and James...in business...together?" She blinked several times, her jaw working without any sound coming out. Lily had faced several terrifying things in her time in the Order of the Phoenix, including her own death more than once, but she could think of few things more terrifying than the prospect of James and Sirius going into business together. The very idea left her speechless. Finally she asked, in a very small voice that squeaked at the end, "Doing what?"

It didn't matter what his explanation was going to be; Lily was sure that it wasn't going to be reassuring. Still, she couldn't help but grin ruefully at his words--familiar words, comforting ones on some level, even while on another all she could do was shake her head and sigh. She never stopped smiling, though. At least no matter what else happened in the world--death, life, imprisonment--some things were constant. Sirius Black was constant. A short, sharp laugh slipped from Lily's lips. "Very reassuring," she said drily. "I'm so reassured I may just slip into a coma from how relaxed I am right now."

At first Lily was frightened by the sudden cooling and hardening of Sirius's expression. Her breath caught in her throat; was he upset because he wanted to keep Harry? Did he agree with the Ministry that she was too unstable to raise her son? Or was he just too used to having Harry now, too committed to raising her son as his own? Was he going to try and keep him?

Lily took a deep breath and forced herself to calm down. She loosened her grip on Sirius's arm, realizing belatedly that her fingers had clenched like a vise as the flash of protective, possessive panic raced through her. Hopefully Sirius hadn't noticed; Lily's cheeks flushed slightly in anticipation, in case he had. She chided herself silently as he spoke, reminding herself that of course Sirius would have grown attached; he had adored Harry back when she and James had been alive, and ending up as sole guardian for the little boy would only have cemented that bond even more firmly. And of course he wouldn't want to let Harry go; he had to have spent the last...well, however long it had been since he got out of Azkaban (poor Padfoot!) thinking that he would raise Harry to adulthood, never expecting that his parents would come back some day! Sirius would need time to adjust, as most likely would Harry; she and James would just have to take things slow. There was no reason why everybody couldn't be happy in the end, no reason at all.

"I wish you could have too," Lily settled for saying, keeping it simple. "I'm sure Harry would rather have been with you, too. I can't believe they sent him to my sister..." She caught herself grumbling and stopped before she said anything nasty about Petunia. She had taken in Lily's son after all, so perhaps it was time to try and bury the hatchet one last time--just as soon as Lily knew for sure that she was allowed to talk to Petunia, and reveal her "miraculous" return from the dead. "Anyway, I'm glad you were there for him. I really do appreciate everything you've done more than I can say, Sirius, really." Lily hesitated, and then said quietly, "I hope you won't consider it too much of an imposition if...well, if you didn't exactly go back to 'uncle' mode, at least not right away. I'm sure you're eager to get on with your life, have your freedom again, but...well, I don't want to tear Harry away from you. So many changes in so short a time? The poor little fellow has to be having a hard time adjusting already, and losing you...I mean, I know he'd never lose you, but...well, I know it's a lot to ask after we've already asked so much of you, but I can't help but be selfish for Harry's sake." She met Sirius's eyes, trying to make sure that he knew what she was leaving unsaid: that she wasn't going to try and tear Harry away from him, either. "Please tell me you'll think about it, at least?"

Lily cleared her throat and muttered something about smoke in her eyes as she dashed the back of her hand across her lashes to shake off a few glittering tears, and quickly seized on Sirius's change of subject--sharp though the change was. "How do I feel about what?" she asked, eyebrows shooting toward her hairline. "I'm not sure if this is a conversation I ought to be having without James around," she said with a smirk. "Are they wearing anything else, first of all, of just the jerseys? And what bar is this you're talking about, and when are you going to invite me there?"

[flatline-fabian]

Some Other Guy // Fabian & Lily

[flatline-fabian]

Fabian gave a little smile and licked his bottom lip. Women. Molly had always been the same way. “I love my brother,” he spoke much more calmly now. Well that might have been a stretch, the sensation he felt was more akin to loneliness. But he probably loved Gideon at some point. “That’s why I do know. Dying for someone you love is only giving them pain. I would never have abandoned Gideon by choice because I care about my brother.” He raised an eyebrow at her as if he were daring her to challenge his perfect logic. He couldn’t even imagine what it would have felt like if Gideon had left him. In part because it was unthinkable, in part because he could hardly remember the feeling of being with him. Ever since he had stepped out of the veil Fabian had been swinging back and forth between feeling strangely connected to his brother and, at the same time, feeling entirely alone.

“Who do you think you’re calling selfish?” Fabian gave a little laugh to emphasize just how ridiculous he thought she sounded. “You think you’re the only one who lost something precious? Do you know how I died? Did you go to my funeral? I doubt they had an open casket for that one.” His smile was oddly wide for someone speaking of his own death. “I bet Molly saw what was inside, so you can ask her what it was like and what exactly she lost. I doubt it was very pretty. Never got to see it myself but I hear they couldn’t have told us apart even if we hadn’t been identical. And I didn’t cry or beg for my life or his. And, now that I’m back, I’m not sitting around whimpering about how I sacrificed myself for a war and nothing changed because of my death. You didn’t do anything other than die so how can you expect that you changed anything? How can you expect the Ministry to change when you never tried to force that change, when all you cared about was killing some bloke who killed too many people? And in the end you couldn’t even manage to do that, could you? You think I’m selfish? All you care about is a fucking baby that isn’t even yours anymore. What about all the people who died for a bullshit cause that never accomplished anything other than getting people killed? Your kid is lucky he doesn’t remember you. There are plenty of people who never even got to have children to forget them and plenty of families who will always remember how the people they cared about died, even when they walk through the front door.”

[repotted-lilyflower]

"Oh, so you think I should have handed my son to Voldemort to kill so that I lived instead!?" Lily asked, throwing her hands in the air with an exclamation of angry exasperation. "That would have been better, because I wouldn't have 'given him pain' by 'abandoning' him? Never mind that he would be dead, yes, of course that's the better option!" Lily shook her head, thoroughly disgusted with the idiot in front of her. "What kind of soft-headed, idiotic, false-moralizing bullshit is that?"

She thought about turning her back on his circuitous venom, but Lily Potter had not earned her position on Voldemort's list of "most hated" by turning away from fights and arguments. Instead she said, "As a matter of fact, I did go to your funeral, although I'm regretting that now. If I'd known that you were such a waste of space, I wouldn't have wasted my time." Lily shook her head, her lips curling back in a grimace. "I didn't ask for a fucking medal or a statue; you're the one who cares about being remembered. I don't want to be canonized; all I bloody well said was that we fought and died for a cause that mattered, and I thought it would make more of a difference to the world at large, all right? You want to tell me I didn't do enough? Well, I did more than you, and I had more to lose, so sod that."

Lily stepped closer to him, her green eyes snapping sparks that, if she'd held a wand in her hand right now, would not have been metaphorical at all. "Now you're going to stop talking about my son, because I don't know what fucked up shit you are trying to project onto me and Harry, but I am through with it. Your life sucks? You're jealous, or guilty, or whatever the hell you're circling around with your bullshit? You want my pity? You think I should care more about you and your sad life and death than I do my own son? Well, that's not happening, not in a million years. I don't give a damn about you. You're an idiot, an imbecile, and if you bring your bile anywhere near my son--my son--I'll kill you again, and then you won't have to be miserable any more. How's that sound, Prewett? Does that cheer you up?"

[yesterdays-felo-de-se]

New Years Resolutions | Para | Regulus + Lily

[yesterdays-felo-de-se]

The relief would have sent Regulus into a chair if he didn’t think it would make the situation even more awkward than it already was. Nevertheless, he felt it come over him in a wave and took a deep breath after. No dancing—at least not with Lily which was enough. “I’m not very good at it.” He admited, though it wasn’t entirely accurate. He mostly felt awkward even though he knew exactly how the moves should go. Dancing with Lily would have made it all the worse. “Haven’t done it since Hogwarts.” Which wasn’t all that long ago, really. He took a breath, held it, then took another before letting them both out in a

He didn’t laugh but at least the string of tension around his shoulders had dissipated enough that he didn’t seem ready to vibrate morse code against the wall. He might not have enjoyed being laughed at but he’d take that any day to what a public dance would be like. “Anyway—excluding dancing—” Which it was clear Regulus had no clue about Lily’s opinion on dances, “I know enough about what you would and would not consider.” He tipped his nose up, looked at her from under his lashes. “After all, you said: 'Some things you just say no to!'” he mimicked, raising his voice in a parody of falsetto and rolling his eyes.

It was probably intended to be insulting but he almost smiled and took a drink. “That tells me a lot more about you then anything else you’ve said.” He wasn’t about to change his perspective simply because Lily hounded him around an awkward New Years party. Then again, he also hadn’t out right run either—not even when he thought Lily wanted him to extend his arm and suggest moving where the dancing was set up. “But… maybe…there is a better conversation to have.”

He wasn’t comfortable being asked about the house, about himself. He wasn’t comfortable dancing or even battling the strange view Lily had of what he and Sirius’ relationship may or may not be. Offering to change the conversation was self-serving but also an olive branch. “So why didn’t you come in with your husband?” So maybe Regulus was awful at chosing conversations, too.

[repotted-lilyflower]

Lily couldn't help herself: she smiled. She outright grinned. She quickly pulled her lip back between her teeth, biting down on the smile, trying to hide it. She didn't feel comfortable by any means, but she certainly felt amused, and that was better than numbness, better than nothing. Regulus looked like he might swoon with relief at not being expected to join her on the dance floor, and the expression on his face made Lily want to laugh--again. She restrained herself this time, but barely, as he offered excuses for his lack of interest in sharing a dance, excuses that might well be true but that Lily was absolutely certain had nothing to do with the nearly palpable wave of relief rising off the young wizard in front of her.

No, you don't have to dance with the Mudblood at your cousin's party, Lily thought to herself, more wryly amused than insulted. It was not, after all, like they were friends--or like she in any way wanted to dance. And anyway, he might be as put-off by the idea of dancing with a member of the Order of the Phoenix, or one of his brother's friends, as he was by the idea of dancing with a Muggle-born. Lily shouldn't judge; not when there were so many possibilities, and she barely knew the boy she was judging. She reminded herself of that, and of what Regulus had confessed to her before, and forced herself to look at him--really look at him--in an assessing fashion, not an assuming one.

It was a shame that Regulus seemed to be fixated on the assuming stage, though. (Even if he was entertaining about expressing it.) Lily sighed, and shook her head, and ran a hand through her thick red locks (worn down because she hadn't even wanted to contemplate trying to put them up; not only was she not the best at styling hair to begin with, but she had no idea what sort of 'dos were in fashion these days, especially at a party hosted by Narcissa Malfoy). "So I'm stubborn," Lily shot back, her expression half exasperated smile and half indignant frown. "There are worse things to be." She really didn't want to get into that conversation again, not when she was trying to think of Regulus as a person; not when she was trying to figure out the many and seemingly contradictory layers that made him up; not when she had decided to save him from himself for Sirius's sake, and for Harry's.

Fortunately Regulus didn't seem particularly keen on re-hashing the subject himself, although Lily felt herself instinctively stiffening at the topic he chose to change to. She forced herself to bite down a sharp, hasty answer; from the lack of mockery or venom in Regulus's voice, he probably hadn't meant the comment as a barb. Maybe he really was just curious; wondering how another one of the Returned was coping with her life. Lily forced a smile and said lightly, "We're not staying together yet, James and I. We don't have a house yet, you see. He's rooming with a friend of ours, but there's not really enough space for a third person there." Lily wondered if Regulus, of the ancient and most noble house of Black, even knew what a "flat" was, let alone a small and cramped one. He probably thought everyone lived in big, sprawling manors and lush townhouses (like the one that had burned down the other night) and...and villas on the seashore!

"It would have been inconvenient to try and meet-up before the party," she explained. "What about you? Did you come with anyone, or--" A thought struck Lily suddenly, and she frowned, concerned. "Are you staying here with your cousin? Do you have somewhere to stay, now your house is ashes?"

[repotted-lilyflower]

I can't believe I'm here.

[reckless-braveryx]

I mean… she said she would. Lily - I’ll figure it out, alright? We will be together. As a family. I promise.

Just - take a deep breath, alright? It’ll be fine - you’ll be fine. And I’m… right here. Ok?

[repotted-lilyflower]

Okay. Okay. I'm sorry I...freaked out. I'm good now. Really.

Sorry. Um, so...I've been here two hours and I'm already halfway in tears. Heh. How am I doing? Fitting in well at my first pure-blood-style party or not?

[repotted-lilyflower]

I can't believe I'm here.

[reckless-braveryx]

Yeah, I do. She told me that she would help me get Harry back. I’ll remind her about that if she says anything.

It’ll be fine - just like it was, alright? And you’ll… feel better.

[repotted-lilyflower]

She did!? She'll help us, really? Oh--oh, that would be so wonderful! Having Harry...being a family again...I can't even think about trying to sort the rest of our lives out without the three of us being together. The War...the Death Eaters...Voldemort...Azkaban...none of it means anything if we're not together.

I'm sorry--I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I told myself I wouldn't...wouldn't fall apart like this. I'm sorry. I know it's not helping...I'll pull it together. Really. You're right, we'll be fine. Both of us, all of us. It's just...been stressful. That's all it is, you and me both, just the stress. Get us back together, and we really will be fine. That's all there is to is: we need to be a family again. That's all, everything will work out then. Everything.