Step back: Finding peace in a life predetermined
I smoked yesterday for the first time in six weeks and it opened up my eyes. It helped me take a giant step back from myself and realize that there was a lot holding me back both mentally and emotionally. The pot, however small a dose I took, showed me how life really is, how my life really is, who I really am deep down at my core, at my center. I am not an opportunistic man, I do not take advantage of situations or people, I pass up chance after chance because I am more or less content in life when it all comes down to it. But also, I don't have faith in the things I do, in the projects I have invested my time, energy and emotion. For example, perhaps the stupidest example, I gave up on the Cubs when they were down two runs in the 8th inning; had I stuck around 30 more minutes, I would have seen a walk-off grand slam that I will likely never get another chance to see in my entire life. Alas, I was drunk and wanted to go home early so I could sleep and minimize my hangover and get myself to work half-way healthy, because I had a date that following day. A decision was made, one I ultimately regret, and one I learned how to get over by smoking.
Smoking showed me that I have had bad hands dealt to me, at least in so far as my career, and that I am not at fault for many of my issues, as majority of the time, ignorance and misunderstanding and naivete has been my folly. If I had just known in advance to buy those All In or Carly Rae Jepsen tickets to later sell for profit, or if I had just known to stay until the end of the ballgame instead of leaving early like I always do, then I would be so much happier. But, as is true in life, it was not meant to be. Instead, I am left with memories that are far stronger than had I sold the tickets, or had I stayed for the game, and those memories, those experiences, have come to define me. To shape my very existence and paint the picture of who I am, and why.
Smoking showed me how lucky I am when it comes down to the things that truly matter. How I still have my family, both parents in good health, and how my sister avoided disaster this past winter with her own health scare. Or how many near-misses I have had on the road while driving, almost hitting people -- and even when I do hit people, they never have insurance, so I get off scot-free. How protected I am, insulated from true failure, as I am in good health, I am provided for financially, and will be taken care of long after my parents pass on. It truly feels like there are people, or entities, watching over me and my every move and maneuver, and they take care of the absolute necessities as pertain to my life on the whole, ignoring the little wants out of respect for the greater needs. They will spare my life, but refuse to let me collect a big chunk of money when I want it, or refuse to let me find that girl I think will turn everything around for me, or refuse me from sticking around to watch the conclusion of that baseball game. Angels on high care about what is important to you, not what you, falsely, think is important. They watch out for you, this much I know.
In dating that girl last night, oddly enough named Loren, different spelling but same pronunciation, I was more or less looking into a mirror of self, looking at another autistic person, far more severe than myself, with even less awareness to life and her surroundings, with more ignorance, who takes everything literally, with no sense of facetiousness to her. She was genuine and honest but equally gullible and easily duped, to the point where you could take advantage if you truly wanted, while being obsessive about cameras and camera technology, as well as The Smiths and certain TV shows like The X-Files. She was as autistic as the day is long, though when I told her she might be on the spectrum, she rebuffed me. In a sense, I have studied autism spectrum my entire life, as I am a lifelong autistic who's been studying himself all his life, so I know what to look for, I know what to listen for, I know almost immediately who is and is not a fellow spectrumite, and she ticked all the boxes and then some. Don't tell me, the expert on spectrum disorders, you are not on the spectrum, when my radar is going into overdrive in your mere presence.
A big part of me felt instantly familiar around her, as again, it was like looking into a mirror, like knowing her before "knowing" her, but despite that shared pattern of thinking, we wouldn't have been a good fit, for we were too similar. Both of us wanted to talk and be heard, but not listen, we both wanted to watch our preferred '70s and '80s cartoons but didn't want to compromise about it. I wondered as soon as the date was over, "Is how I see her how other people see me?" It is a question that haunts me, for if that is the case, then I have a long, long road ahead of me.
Dating this "other" Lauren, though, opened my eyes to just how special my relationship with the first Lauren was, and how those types of relationships don't just come along every single day. Me and Loren had some good working chemistry, conversationally, at least, but there was no connection there either mentally or emotionally, certainly not romantically or attraction-wise, whereas Lauren Hillemann and I connected on every one of those items in a plus sense. Me and Lauren worked so well because we checked every box necessary for a great relationship, but oddly enough, as it was our past that brought us together, it was our past that tore us apart, as who we were coming into the relationship didn't change or waver or compromise. Lauren was still her over-emotional self inclined to lying and cheating, and I was my over-emotional self incline to judging and holding the people close to me accountable to the point of abuse. We were 24 years old and ignorant, and it is that ignorance that has been my life's unraveling, be it in a relationship, a job opportunity, or yes, the decision to leave a ballgame early. We were so right for each other, yet so wrong, and I think she knows that, and knowing what I know, I know she still hurts thinking about me. And I know she still loves me.
Smoking showed me that people with whom you share chemistry are the ones who stick out, are the ones who you remember ever after most memory is gone. I remember people well past meeting Lauren in 2011, like my old friend Alex Pozo, who was my concert buddy who was down for anything as long as it involved me, or Alex Castellucci, my old college roommate. Flawed individuals, them all, but relatable and full of chemistry. I remember my old roommates, my editors, my bosses at work, friends, former friends, those who treated me well. At the crux of it all was and is chemistry, for without it, we are nothing. The thing about chemistry it's easy to pick up where you left off. I didn't see the girl who I lost my virginity to for eight years, but the minute I saw her, it was just like old times again. It's why bands who haven't been together in 20, 30, 40 years, are able to pick up and play with one another like they haven't lost a beat. Knowing that, deep down knowing that, makes my lack of communication with Lauren all the more difficult, as she was the person with whom I shared the most chemistry, and we would still be able to get along today, no matter the context. Hell, maybe that's why a guy like Matt Riddle likes me so much and has named a finishing move after me, because when we met each other the first time we had immediate chemistry that you can't just buy or place a dollar sign on.
When I smoked, it showed me that life is predetermined in all facets, that our stories are already written an we are just actors going through the motions, filling the roles we are meant to fill. The world is a stage, and this is all a simulation, a great big movie with everyone around us, coworker, friend, family alike, our supporting cast. Smoking helped me take a step back from myself enough to where I realized everything more or less is fake, and that there is no control over that which I do or don't do, no matter how big the illusion that there is. The decisions I make have already been made for me, and I was just acting the parts previously set aside for me. Whatever happens is going to happen no matter what, there's nothing we can do to stop life's momentum or slow it down, it just has to happen. We are just so invested in the roles we play, buying into the moment, succumbing to the emotions of the characters we play, as we are being directed to act sad, or upset, or feeling regretful. Someone is telling us to feel these feelings, to lose all logic and remain within ourselves as opposed to standing outside ourselves and seeing the way things play out from a distance. Knowing that, should I not just take a deep breath and enjoy the ride for what it is, realizing nothing is going to change no matter what I do? Should I not just sit back and relax and let the things that are going to happen, happen, with full understanding that I can't change any of it? Like, I know this. I know it for a fact. I saw the truth. I need not be told any different.
Additionally, smoking showed me that karma is real, and that this so-called "butterfly effect" is real, in every regard in life. For instance, every accident I almost get into, somebody else almost gets into with me. For every time I successfully sell a ticket for money, I successfully fail to buy and sell another. For every opportunity, there is one taken away. For every plus, there is a minus. For every bad thing that happens to you, there is a good thing that will happen to you down the road, and it's all connected. If you were to map out your entire life, you would have two columns side by side, "first instance" and "second instance," and after it's all over, you wouldn't have any threads left dangling. If you lost 20 bucks when you were 12 years old, and you were devastated, you would find 20 bucks when you were 34 and it didn't matter as much, but you will still remember back to that time you first lost your 20 dollar bill, realizing karma paid you back. You have to remember this is all a simulation, or more realistically, a story being written by somebody, or something, on high. and that storyteller is a master of continuity. That's all karma is at the end of the day: a display of continuity in one's life, a long-con. Like an author introducing a red herring in the first chapter of a book, setting that table, only to come back to it in a later chapter with that table previously set.
You have to realize that our human minds are so insignificant, not only compared to our peers, to the super geniuses who walk among us at random, but to higher power in general. It is only when we step outside ourselves, take a step back though the help of substances or near-death experiences or whatever, that we are fully able to take advantage of our power and see our exact place in the world and the universe. Remember, it is no coincidence that we inhabit the only inhabitable planet in our solar system, it is no coincidence that the temperature on this little rock is just perfect enough to exist, but to thrive. Of all the dead planets in our universe, we just happen to be on the one that cannot only sustain life, but help us fucking flourish in that sense. Yet some people think that is all just resultant of a big space explosion that happened 13.8 billion years ago? Stepping outside yourself proves otherwise.
Finally, everything in life is placed where it needs to be. Whereas in space, our planet has been put just far enough away from that which could harm us, or ultimately help us, in life that holds true, as well. Think of how stupid people are. Just think about it. If we all were just a little bit smarter, do you think we'd all get along? We'd find peace, or we'd come up with solutions to feed our hungry, or we'd be curing diseases or something? We are left in the dark for a reason, mostly to find our own ways out of it, because at the end of the day, we are an experiment, a simulation being run by someone from on high, who is rooting for us to succeed and is disappointed when we inevitably blow ourselves up or otherwise fail. That's why we have more stupid people than smart, why we have more ignorance than knowledge, why we are so far away from figuring it out on own own planet, let alone our own universe, and why we as a planet are so far away from other life forces which stand to change the course of our current path. We are here for a reason, we are where we are for a reason, we were born at just the right moment, at just the right time, at just the right place, and for a reason. And figuring out that reason, I'm afraid, would be to read the final line in the story. For that is the conclusion.
