SATISFACTION IS A THRUM WITHIN YOUR BONES / heady weight to which you succumb , and each breath feels as carbon to the oxygen it consumes , fire to the ashes it creates and you have grasped at flesh so torn it bled into the seeds of your palm , the echo of your soul ( shattered segments of a life once lived you would not return your choices . but he lingers in the corner of your vision , the fickle segments of your seams like water lilies who have forgotten how to breathe ── he is yours . as the sky to the sun and the earth to the moon and your core to the wood it created )
you lean forward in your chair , elbows placed upon the surface of your desk as your hands fold together ; brittle lull in the silence as you stare . as you ── smile ( like venom through fangs and poison through blood and how sharp you will your kindness to be , how searing ) .
and how your eyes gleam in fascination , the way children dismantle insects if only to see how they break ( rook to pawn and knight to king ; checkmate ) .
say softly , ❛ what a pleasant surprise this is . i hardly thought i’d see you again after you decided to leave . ❜
there is an ACHE within set deep within you, a pain that burns you to the core, that reaches out in a desperation to ignite everything in its path—determined to destroy you. but you know, you KNOW you cannot let it. falling to your knees is never something you have been permit. two lifetimes, and still you do not know peace. KNOW that while he has them, while he keeps vicious grasp on those you love, that you will not rest, will not know calm—the ache will remain.
( but you wonder—is this ache entirely born out of familial love? is it just for your sisters? or has it been there ever since that day you turned your back on him? has the chasm now filled with fire been getting deeper and deeper since the moment you left his side? it is not a thought you can ever stomach. )
brow twitches, the smallest break in the façade that you quickly cover—stand taller, back straighter. if living with that woman ever taught you one thing, it’s how to keep composure when inside you are falling apart. and oh—how easily he breaks you. how less than whole you have felt in the years since you parted. every day, a constant effort you loathe to even consider is truth.
head tilts and you take a breath before stepping forward—refuse to show fear, even when he holds all the pieces in the palm of his hand.
“well, darling. you surely should have known i couldn’t stay away forever. there is just nobody else who plays games with me as well as you.” and what you mean is—you have me, you own me, you know the deeper parts of me and can play me like strings. what you mean is—i hate you, i hate that you know exactly where to press, what to take. what you mean is—i love you, i have loved you so deeply it tears my soul to admit.
