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[rexiexoxo]

update

i havent been on this account in ages. food is still hard. i feel like its never going to NOT be hard. i have a nutritionist now. i have a whole team of doctor's helping me get better. im facing all of the negative health side effects of treating your body like shit since you were 10. im 20 and my digestive system is fucked, im confirmed to be infertile, my body will never be the same, and im scared that i'll never truly know what its like to have a normal relationship with food. im scared that ill never be able to experience life outside of the food obsessed lens im looking through now. im spending my prime years ridiculing and ruining a body and face that will realistically never be as small, as smooth, as capable as it is now. and the crazy thing is that i know all of this and still can't bring myself to really change. no matter how much progress i make physically i dont think there will be a single morning where i dont wake up with the intention to relapse. when will i not "start again tomorrow?"

[rexiexoxo]

tw: sh

when im alone, the scars are validating. as if all of the pain im feeling inside is finally visible and i dont want them to go away. i still try to cover them up though and im embarrassed when people can see them in public. its a really weird back and forth... does anyone else relate??

[rexiexoxo]

honeymoon phase

i miss the honeymoon phase of my ed. i used to have so much control!! i would decline meals, only eat a little bit at a time, go so long without eating, etc. now, once i start i cant stop. i miss how proud i was at myself as the numbers declined, my clothes fit better, and for hitting my gw. i hate that all of my clothes are so tight on me and my face has rounded out again. i hate it. how do i get back!?!?!?!?

[rexiexoxo]

control

i keep finding my control and losing it all over again. i hate my body. i used to be so small and sick and ive gained so much since then. i want to feel as beautiful as i felt at my smallest. i know ill get it back, its just hard to get back in the groove. i just miss that feeling ://

[rexiexoxo]

stop binging

HOW DO I STOP BINGING!!! SOMETIMES I CANT STOP EATING!! god i miss the self control i had over the summer. i was so small and thin and beautiful- now i can barely look in the mirror...

[rexiexoxo]

purge

how do you purge without anyone knowing? how do you do it quietly? 

[rexiexoxo]

relapse

i forget abt this acc every other month but omfg i need to find the self control i had a couple months ago again. my old body was so light and beautiful and i miss it. i’ve gained a little bit because i’ve had family events back to back and i need to start working out again. someone pls help... 

[rexiexoxo]

tags

also does anyone know how to copy and paste tags so i dont have to spend like a million years tagging all of my posts LMAO its so annoying

[rexiexoxo]

body dysmorphia pt 2

is it possible to have body dysmorphia but on other people? my friend also has an ed and sometimes i think she’s getting thinner or larger and i cant tell if she actually is or if my ed brain is just convincing me that she has?? is that weird??

[rexiexoxo]

body dysmorphia

im considering quitting my dance class because i cant spend so much time looking at myself in the mirror. i have no idea what i look like. sometimes i can see my ribs and bones and sometimes my stomach is basically exploding out of my pants. sometimes my face is chiseled and small and sometimes my face is just so round and structureless. i wish i just knew what everyone else saw. i constantly feel like im looking in a funhouse mirror. 

[rexiexoxo]

backk

hey guysss i died for a sec lmao- things havent been great recently- but im back now. school is awful and i have no control over anything and im feeling incredibly stuck...

any advice on how to restrict??

[rexiexoxo]

safe food

does anyone else go through phases of hating your safe food(s) LMAO

[rexiexoxo]

safe space

ive thought about it and i don’t want to be a pro ana acc. i dont like the idea of encouraging something that has quite literally swallowed my life whole- which is hypocritical since im not in recovery but ahhhh yeah. i kinda just wanted people to rant to and confide in. not quite recovery but not motivation either- somewhere in between. just a place to talk. 

[rexiexoxo]

binge ???

i don’t eat v much at all so when i eat a little more im like “shit i binged” and i feel awful about it. but what even is a binge? some people eat thousands of calories during theirs but i definitely DONT. is binging just eating more than normal? or does it entail A LOT. idk- whats a binge to you guys?

[rexiexoxo]

gw?? cw??

should i start posting that? i haven’t been on here since i was like 13 lol so this feels so weird. feels like im regressing to when things were awful. these thoughts have never really really gone away but idk- im all over the place. looking for ppl to talk to thoo

[rexiexoxo]

anyone out there?

hey- im really lonely over here and was wondering if anyone wanted to talk? i don’t really know anyone that really gets it when i try to talk to them abt my eating. sooo yeah just lmk :)

[rexiexoxo]

im not okay

i feel so alone and its all my fault. i did this to myself. i don’t have the energy to go do anything anymore and i’ve pushed everyone i love away. i used to love food so much and now its my worst enemy. ana has ruined everything for me but im addicted and i cant stop. in a way, i don’t want to stop. i dont know what to do. please someone talk to me.