update
i havent been on this account in ages. food is still hard. i feel like its never going to NOT be hard. i have a nutritionist now. i have a whole team of doctor's helping me get better. im facing all of the negative health side effects of treating your body like shit since you were 10. im 20 and my digestive system is fucked, im confirmed to be infertile, my body will never be the same, and im scared that i'll never truly know what its like to have a normal relationship with food. im scared that ill never be able to experience life outside of the food obsessed lens im looking through now. im spending my prime years ridiculing and ruining a body and face that will realistically never be as small, as smooth, as capable as it is now. and the crazy thing is that i know all of this and still can't bring myself to really change. no matter how much progress i make physically i dont think there will be a single morning where i dont wake up with the intention to relapse. when will i not "start again tomorrow?"












