Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and just hate what you saw? Or taking numerous photos, but end up deleting it just because you canât even have a decent one? Well, itâs me, I just hate everything about myself. Lol.
So story time, when I was in grade school, I was actually fat. I wasnât blessed with a pretty face so imagine being ugly and fat at the same time ha-ha, wouldnât your self esteem get low? {see photo below}
Moreover, as I entered high school, things get worse. Despite of my weight dropping due to academic related pressure and stress - it was my mental health that started to deteriorate. I got bullied with several petty names. I become sensitive to how should I present myself with others. I was frightened that they might notice more of my flaws. It has been like that since then.
So growing up, I was aware of the societal standards of beauty - I knew I didnât belong. Most people have higher respect for those who are pretty & slim! Thatâs why I am envious. I badly want to be like them.
Back in 2014, I started experiencing severe acid reflux from eating Sinigang. That was the trigger point. I donât want to get hospitalized so I self medicate (i am a believer of âonly you can help & save yourselfâ lol plus the fact that we canât afford that). At first, I started cutting off eating acidic foods (instant noodles, chicken skin, anything oily) & drinking beverages (coffee & (soda - almost 7 years!)) But these werenât enough, I still have it. I decided to completely change my lifestyle for the sake of preventing it to get worse. I stopped eating processed foods, too much rice, dairy products & cold foods! I even have this rule of eating twice a day (brunch & early dinner) because I wonât be having a heavy meal past 6pm. My last meal should always be 2 hours before I go to bed. Blessing in disguise, it also helped me to lose weight! Also, little did I know, I was already practicing intermittent fasting. I was overwhelmed with the result. In 2017, my weight dropped to 46kg. {see photo below}
Amazed with other peopleâs weight loss journey, I feel like it could help me change their way of how they see me. My highschool bullies might regret what they have done to me. So behind my acid reflux issues - i was able to justify my eating habits. My classmates and relatives would tell me âAre you still eating?â âYou look sick.â Sometimes I get flattered, knowing I lost so much weight that they were able to notice yet it makes me mad receiving negative comments to the point that I donât know where to place myself anymore. But still, I have this goal - to achieve that weight loss glow up so I could finally feel good about myself.
However, when I graduated and finally had a job, I was able to buy the foods that I want. And I rarely had an acid reflux. It was a relapse. I weighed 51kg up from 46kg on our annual physical exam in 2019. I loathe myself, but didnât do anything until the pandemic happened. It was in May 2020 when I finally realized that my clothes donât fit anymore. I was back in my hell hole diet - I am back on starving myself. It was my first time to try a no rice diet and it goes on for almost 9 months. I even bought a weighing scale to see my progress every day. But it was disappointing, seeing how stagnant the numbers on the scale.
I, then, started the habit of weighing myself every week instead of dailyâs. And today, it marks my half year anniversary! Also, I turned my no rice diet to calorie deficit in March 2021.
They say consistency is key, but itâs all about balance. This record made me realized that I should be gentle with myself. Although, the guilt of over eating will always be there but sometimes you just have to accept that itâs okay to gain some weight because you can always lose it on the next days or weeks. It may be a slow progress but I am hoping that one day, I would be able to feel good about myself.
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