Riddikulusly Potter @riddikuluslypotter - Tumblr Blog

I loved your foursome with the bat boys! And thank you for giving Cassian some centre stage loving😍

I hate that Cass is so often relegated to the sidelines in favour of Az or Rhys!

Thank you! I love Cassian so much, that man does not deserve to be sidelined 😂

This is pure filth, I couldn't get the idea out of my head until I'd written it down though, so enjoy this super short drabble of a foursome with the bat boys.

No trigger warnings I can think of except for porn with no plot (and slight mention of choking). Let me know if there's anything I need to add!

NSFW, MDNI

#cassian #azriel #rhysand #cassian x reader #cassian x y/n #rhysand x reader #azriel x reader #azriel x y/n #azriel fic #batboys #acotar x reader #batboyssmut

I just watched the Meg 2, and it's literally like - what if we redid the first movie, but instead of one giant shark there's three? And a kraken? And some dinosaurs that are never really explained? And let's throw in some Spanish supervillains too. And they still managed to make billionaires the main antagonist, which is perfection.

None of these creatures have any instincts, and will attack absolutely anything - a boat, person, helicopter, each other, a wooden deck...

And one of the main characters almost definitely has Stockholm syndrome because he's convinced he's in a Free Willy situation and one of the sharks actually loves him (it doesn't)?

Oh also, this entire situation started because one of the sharks really wanted to fuck.

By the end of the film they have a lot of dead characters, one hell of a PR crisis to deal with, and a pregnant Megalodon because she was horny and by god she didn't waste the opportunity.

And you know what - I loved it. 10/10, perfection.

#the meg 2 #the meg #Megalodons #movie review #this was a comedy

I'm currently staying in a house built in the 1860s - so here are my observations on what an accurate haunting would be like.

The ghost can't actually open the door, because the house has shifted over the last 160 years and it's stiff as shit. They are confined to hallways and racing in after you like a lost duckling.

They try to open the one door that isn't stiff, but the handle doesn't work. If they do get it open, they have my eternal appreciation. I've been trying that for ages!

They don't need to make the lights flicker, the wiring does that on its own. The ghost's actually a bit peeved that no one notices when they do this themselves.

Dropping the temperature doesn't raise any eyebrows. In fact - not much does.

A century old newspaper found inside an ominous box in the corner of a dusty room? Guess the old owner left it there.

A hidden staircase that's narrow and dark with peeling paint? Ooh fun, a servants entrance!

Creaking and scratching during the night? Probably possums.

Random screaming? Probably the wind.

This ghost's gonna coming up with the most creative shit just to try and get a reaction - best case scenario, we might blame the dog. They're gonna give up and just accept the new roomies.

#ghosts #historic houses #haunted house

Without gravity would balloons just yeet into the sky?

#shower thoughts

tastefullyoffensive

prismatic-bell

HERE’S THE THING THOUGH

I used to work for a call center and I was doing a political survey and I called this number that was randomly generated for me and the way our system worked was voice-activated so when the other person said hello you’d get connected to them, so I just launch right into my “Harvard University and NPR blah blah blah” thing and then there’s this long pause and I think the person’s hung up even though I didn’t hear a click

And then I hear “you shouldn’t be able to call this number.”

So I apologize and go into the preset spiel about because we aren’t selling anything, etc. etc. and the answer I get is

“No, I know that. What I mean is that it should be impossible for you to call this number, and I need to know how you got it.”

I explain that it’s randomly generated and I’m very sorry for bothering him, and go to hang up. And before I can click terminate, I hear:

“Ma’am, this is a matter of national security.”

I accidentally called the director of the FBI.

My job got investigated because a computer randomly spit out a number to the Pentagon.

kuroba101

This is my new favourite story.

therobotmonster

When I was in college I got a job working for a company that manages major air-travel data. It was a temp gig working their out of date system while they moved over to a new one, since my knowing MS Dos apparently made me qualified.

There was no MS Dos involved. Instead, there was a proprietary type-based OS and an actually-uses-transistors refrigerator-sized computer with switches I had to trip at certain times during the night as I watched the data flow from six pm to six AM on Fridays and weekends. If things got stuck, I reset the server.

The company handled everything from low-end data (hotel and car reservations) to flight plans and tower information. I was weighed every time I came in to make sure it was me. Areas of the building had retina scanners on doors.

During training. they took us through all the procedures. Including the procedures for the red phone. There was, literally, a red phone on the shelf above my desk. “This is a holdover from the cold war.” They said. “It isn’t going to come up, but here’s the deal. In case of nuclear war or other nation-wide disaster, the phone will ring. Pick up the phone, state your name and station, and await instructions. Do whatever you are told.”

So my third night there, it’s around 2am and there’s a ringing sound.

I look up, slowly. The Red phone is ringing.

So I reach out, I pick up the phone. I give my name and station number. And I hear every station head in the building do the exact same. One after another, voices giving names and numbers. Then silence for the space of two breaths. Silence broken by…

“Uh… Is Shantavia there?”

It turns out that every toll free, 1-900 or priority number has a corresponding local number that it routs to at its actual destination. Some poor teenage girl was trying to dial a friend of hers, mixed up the numbers, and got the atomic attack alert line for a major air-travel corporation’s command center in the mid-west United States.

There’s another pause, and the guys over in the main data room are cracking up. The overnight site head is saying “I think you have the wrong number, ma’am.” and I’m standing there having faced the specter of nuclear annihilation before I was old enough to legally drink.

The red phone never rang again while I was there, so the people doing my training were only slightly wrong in their estimation of how often the doomsday phone would ring.

arctic-hands

Every time I try to find this story, I end up having to search google with a variety of terms that I’m sure have gotten me flagged by some watchlist, so I’m reblogging it again where I swear I’ve reblogged it before.

voroxpete

But none of these stories even come close to the best one of them all; a wrong number is how the NORAD Santa Tracker got started.

Seriously, this is legit.

In December 1955, Sears decided to run a Santa hotline. Here’s the ad they posted.

Only problem is, they misprinted the number. And the number they printed? It went straight through to fucking NORAD. This was in the middle of the Cold War, when early warning radar was the only thing keeping nuclear annihilation at bay. NORAD was the front line.

And it wasn’t just any number at NORAD. Oh no no no.

Terri remembers her dad had two phones on his desk, including a red one. “Only a four-star general at the Pentagon and my dad had the number,” she says.

“This was the ‘50s, this was the Cold War, and he would have been the first one to know if there was an attack on the United States,” Rick says.

The red phone rang one day in December 1955, and Shoup answered it, Pam says. “And then there was a small voice that just asked, ‘Is this Santa Claus?’ ”

His children remember Shoup as straight-laced and disciplined, and he was annoyed and upset by the call and thought it was a joke — but then, Terri says, the little voice started crying.

“And Dad realized that it wasn’t a joke,” her sister says. “So he talked to him, ho-ho-ho’d and asked if he had been a good boy and, ‘May I talk to your mother?’ And the mother got on and said, ‘You haven’t seen the paper yet? There’s a phone number to call Santa. It’s in the Sears ad.’ Dad looked it up, and there it was, his red phone number. And they had children calling one after another, so he put a couple of airmen on the phones to act like Santa Claus.”

“It got to be a big joke at the command center. You know, ‘The old man’s really flipped his lid this time. We’re answering Santa calls,’ ” Terri says.

And then, it got better.

“The airmen had this big glass board with the United States on it and Canada, and when airplanes would come in they would track them,” Pam says.

“And Christmas Eve of 1955, when Dad walked in, there was a drawing of a sleigh with eight reindeer coming over the North Pole,” Rick says.

“Dad said, ‘What is that?’ They say, ‘Colonel, we’re sorry. We were just making a joke. Do you want us to take that down?’ Dad looked at it for a while, and next thing you know, Dad had called the radio station and had said, ‘This is the commander at the Combat Alert Center, and we have an unidentified flying object. Why, it looks like a sleigh.’ Well, the radio stations would call him like every hour and say, ‘Where’s Santa now?’ ” Terri says.

For real.

“And later in life he got letters from all over the world, people saying, ‘Thank you, Colonel,’ for having, you know, this sense of humor. And in his 90s, he would carry those letters around with him in a briefcase that had a lock on it like it was top-secret information,” she says. “You know, he was an important guy, but this is the thing he’s known for.”

“Yeah,” Rick [his son] says, “it’s probably the thing he was proudest of, too.”

So yeah. I think that might be the best wrong number of all time.

Source: http://www.npr.org/2014/12/19/371647099/norads-santa-tracker-began-with-a-typo-and-a-good-sport

arty-ari

No okay THAT is adorable and I’m queueing this for next December.

Apparently syphilis can rot your nose off so new theory - Voldemort had syphilis. That's all, you're welcome.

#Harry Potter #Voldemort #hp #Voldemort had syphilis bully him for his morals not his looks

fuckboyzuko

WAKE UP, Y'ALL, LYFT FUCKING SNAPPED.

NPR's article here.

fuckboyzuko

Considering how few notes this post has, I've gotten a lot of hate mail about it. Sure would be a shame if y'all kept reblogging it and pissed off the Pro-Life crowd. :)

As I was driving home I was playing music through one of those things that connect to a radio station and occasionally swaps with someone else's music if they're on the same channel.

Anyway, to the person that had their pop music interrupted by the line 'you make my balls so blue', I have no regrets.

#heathers #blue #you make my balls so blue #sorry mate

alrightevanns

artistic swimming and the benefits thereof

The Death Eater Synchronized Swimming Squad AU nobody knew they needed. Entirely inspired by @chdarling drunkenly saying that this would be Severus Snape's Olympic sport of choice.

Title: artistic swimming and the benefits thereof Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Becoming a Death Eater, as it turns out, requires a lot more than skill in the Dark Arts. The newest recruits to Voldemort's ranks may have mastered the Cruciatus, but until they've proven themselves adept at artistic swimming, they won't be accepted into his ranks. Severus Snape is determined to be a success. Regulus Black has concerns. Bellatrix Lestrange is not a certified lifeguard.

Becoming a Death Eater was hard work.

Recruits needed to prove their dedication in a number of ways, beginning with the obvious skills (dueling, stealth, curses), all the way down to the not-so-obvious (endurance, lung capacity, core strength).

The artistic swimming lessons had come about as a way of testing the latter. Invitations had been sent to six of the most promising sixth and seventh year Slytherins and the first lesson set for April 8, to be taught at the Great Lake by Bellatrix Lestrange herself. Initially, the recruits had believed it was a joke. It wasn’t until Lucius Malfoy turned up in Hogsmeade and informed them that he’d taken part in the lessons during his own seventh year that any of them began taking it seriously. According to Malfoy, the Dark Lord rewarded those who impressed him with their routines. Supposedly, his Dark Mark had been bestowed after he’d performed a flawless Rio figure during a duet performance with Bellatrix.

So the recruits began preparing in earnest. Severus Snape, Joseph Mulciber, Marcus Avery, Tatiana Yaxley, Evan Rosier, and Regulus Black were determined to be the best damn artistic swimming team that Hogwarts had ever seen.

At least, Severus Snape was determined. On the morning of the first lesson, most of the others were still treating the whole thing like a joke. This didn’t particularly bother Severus; he may not have seen much use in artistic swimming, but if the Dark Lord said it was necessary, he certainly wasn’t about to question it. If the rest of his classmates were content to look foolish, well, that was no different from usual, really.

Besides, he couldn’t help but think of Lily’s apparent newfound fascination with swimmers. Of course, it likely had to do with James Potter’s frequent lake excursions more than the sport itself, but surely this - which required grace, stamina, mental ability - was far more impressive than that flailing Potter called skill. Yes, he thought, Lily would almost certainly be impressed when she heard about his new hobby.

Spirits flying high with this happy thought, he made his way down to the lake.

Continue Reading on AO3

petalstofish-deactivated2022041

All I want you guys to know is that if jily awards happened this year I WOULD ENSURE THIS FIC WON ALL OF THEM JUST FOR THIS LINE:

Merlin. He was going to drown in the Great Lake while doing artistic swimming for the Dark Lord.

riddikuluslypotter

I cannot stress enough how much everyone needs to read this right now. This deserves a Pulitzer.

#absolute masterpiece #award winning

riddikuluslypotter

The moment she knew

Lily was terrified. The moment she reached the safety of the room realisation of what had just occurred hit her, overwhelming every bit of her body. She crawled under her bed and curled up there, using the dark space to clarify her thoughts.

Snape had betrayed her. He had called her a mudblood, insulted her very existence, sided with her oppressors.

What hurt the most was that she should have seen it coming. The way Severus acted at school, trying to impress his Slytherin friends, she should have seen it. But she didn't want to.

How could she? He had been her first friend in the Wizarding world. He had stuck by her when Petunia didn't, when her own sister made her feel insane.

What have you done, Severus? He'd chosen a path filled with darkness, and after today there was no turning back.

Lily felt more alone than ever before - her best friend was now her enemy, Potter was being arrogant and rubbing it in, and worst of all she'd pushed away everyone in her house while defending Snape.

As she lay in the small space, she became scared to leave. Everyone in Hogwarts would know now - they'd laugh at her, say 'I told you so', maybe they'd even side with Snape in calling her a mudblood.

The door to the dormitory opened, and footsteps signalled the arival of one of her roommates.

'Lils? James told me what happened, I'm so sorry. I just... I just wanted to let you know that I'm here. You know, if you wanted to talk or... stuff.' The voice belonged to Marlene, a fellow Gryffindor that Lily hadn't spoken to much despite them sharing a room. Lily had spent so much time with Snape she'd never made an effort to get to know her roommates.

Lily didn't respond, hoping that the girl would leave her alone, let her wallow in peace. After a few moments of quiet Lily heard movement and thought that perhaps Marlene had decided to go.

Then she heard the sound of someone lying down, and saw a hand reach into the dark towards her. She hesitated for a moment before tentatively grabbing it. The grip on her hand tightened, a sign of reassurance, and Lily finally let herself cry.

She wasn't alone.

#harry potter #lily evans #severus snape #harry potter fanfiction #harry potter fanfic #i fucking hate snape #lily deserved better #snapes a dick #hp #fanfiction