usopp comes back to the crew but it's not the same; externally he's fine, smiling, laughing, celebrating their successful rescue of robin & subsequent escape, sure, but inside he's drowning w the weight of his actions, the weight of everything that happened on Water 7, during Enies Lobby, he's losing it u guys, it's the lowest he's ever been.
usopp comes back to the crew and the imprint of the dirt he'd bowed his forehead on crumbles off when luffy pulls him across the sea, his tears still spilling down his face, down his bandaged arms, and usopp is happy, he's beyond happy, he's fucking relieved, the crew, his family, let him come back, after he'd left them, walked out on them but, he's also deeply, deeply scared.
he was weak. usopp was weak. he was weak, and insecure, and said things to luffy that had him told he should leave if that was how he felt (never mind the fact luffy was heated up too, never mind the fact that luffy never let anyone leave so easily after usopp, never mind the fact luffy cried after their battle).
it keeps looping over and over in usopp's mind like a broken record. merry is gone, him and luffy fought to the point of something almost irevocable being said, he's not worthy. he was weak. in merry there's a comrade, their beloved ship, no one else saw that, or maybe they did, but usopp can't let go. in his defeat and subsequent loss of their gold, is his lack of strength. in the crew's dismiss of this is proof that he will always be a burden to them. usopp sees, in the moments between being woken up and told by luffy that merry can't go on any longer, what might happen to him because if merry came with him, and he came with merry, and merry can no longer going on, then that means at some point he too will be dumped for not being able to keep up.
usopp is blinded, he's hurting, he's shocked, his pride wounded, his body injured, his crew around him saying the absolutely worse possible thing they could ever say, and he can't let that happen.
and bcs usopp is usopp, he can't find it in himself to every touch the topic again; not to luffy, whose authority he once questioned (who is his best friend) not to zoro, who wouldn't let him come back unless he apolgized (who supported him during enies lobby, who cares about him, who didn't want him to leave in the first place) not to sanji (who interfered before luffy said something he'd regret, who warned him about the incoming aqua laguana, who maybe understands him the most in many ways) and not to the crew (who he left behind, who were thrilled he came back), no one. bcs this is his punishment, the marr on his faith, his trust, usopp is a black hole of twisting, gnarled despair, of fear, of melancholy, but he says nothing, bcs that is his sin to bear.
(and there's something to be said about heirachy; luffy is his captain. is usopp wrong for speaking up and out against a descion he didn't agree with? does it show proof of his lack of faith in luffy, in his descion-making skills? what does it say about luffy's authority that usppp so easily disobeyed it. must he crucify himself to make amends? did he blur the lines between friendship to far, for thinking himself equal, for thinking himself as someone whose feelings were valid, however much he projected onto the crew, on merry? there's a code of conduct between pirates, and usopp, silly, scaredy-cat, foolish, sentimental, fanciful, realistic, usopp broke it.)
usopp isn't the same after coming back to the crew. maybe he would be if he ever dared to breach What Happend Then, but he doesn't bcs he won't dare again.
edits that make me want to schedule group suicide every time:
