It’s been a while since I’ve posted in this tag. I guess I don’t blog about Zander as much as I’d like to. I still miss him a lot, but I guess the way I cope with things like this is sometimes to not talk about it as much. It doesn’t work for everyone, but sometimes, I find it’s best for my emotional well-being not to talk about it as much.
I really want to thank each and every one of you who made posts about Zander and got his story out there. His final wish was to be remembered as Zander, and he got it! I’m at least glad he got that.
I want to use this opportunity to talk about an issue that is becoming more common when things like this happen. It is an issue of the overall mindset of this website, rather than an issue in telling people about Zander so he could be remembered for who he was. It has been prevalent on this site even before Leelah’s death.
I’ve seen an alarmingly high number of people on this website (especially trans teenagers) contemplating suicide. I’ve talked numerous people out of it, and it breaks my heart every time I see someone post a simple “good bye” message and then not returning for a long time. Fortunately, they never go through with it. I wish the same was true for Zander. He was always so happy, even right before his death. He had recently stopped talking about his mother, which led us to believe perhaps things had gotten better. Unfortunately, we were wrong.
The way people on Tumblr glorify depression, self harm, suicide, etc. is very concerning, and while it’s a good thing people paid respects to Leelah and Zander, I’m worried more impressionable people might think suicide is okay, especially if they find their situation is similar to either of these kids who killed themselves. This doesn’t mean you can’t make posts about them. It just means you should reinforce the fact that suicide is not okay.
We started the hashtag for Zander because we wanted to grant Zander’s final wish and make a point to his abusive mother. I think I first got the idea to make the sign saying “His name was Zander” because that was the last thing I wanted to say to his mother in the note I posted to his guestbook on the funeral home page. They had an option to add a picture, so I did. That’s when we got the idea to have other people make similar signs. So, in case you were ever confused, that’s the origin story of the hashtag.
I want you to know that I definitely don’t want to see any more #their name was ______ hashtags. It would break my heart to see another person who felt the world was too hateful for them to live in. I want you to know that suicide is never the answer to anything. It hurts people. Obviously, it would hurt you because you wouldn’t get the chance to see that life can get better. But it also hurts everyone who knows you. This may sound terribly selfish, but I can’t begin to describe just how much learning of Zander’s death hurt me. I found myself lacking the mental energy to do just about anything for over a week, and I’m still trying to get back into the swing of things. I still can’t believe he’s gone. It will probably take me a while to fully accept that. I can assure you there is at least one person in your life who cares about you so much, they wouldn’t know what they would do if you were gone all of a sudden. Even if you don’t feel that way, there’s always someone out there who is willing to listen.
So, if you are struggling, I want you to try to be strong. For Leelah. For Zander. They would have wanted you to make it through whatever you’re struggling with. They wouldn’t have wanted any more deaths. It may seem like too much of me to ask, but you can do it. Reach out to people, whether they’re online or offline. Call a help line if you need to. Please don’t become another hashtag.
To people who are cisgender: I want you to see these losses to the trans community as a reminder that you should try your best to help put an end to transphobia. They should serve as a reminder of the terrible things transphobia does to people. They should make you want to be a better ally to trans individuals. Leelah wrote in her suicide note that she wanted society to be fixed. You can help fix it. Show trans individuals you actually care about them before they turn into another #their name was ______.
Again, I think it’s wonderful that so many people wanted to pay respects to Zander. He was a wonderful friend. I think the next step you can make is to help trans kids who are struggling so we don’t lose any more people.
I want to throw an idea out there. Let’s make a project dedicated to helping trans youth by offering messages of support and positive stories of love and acceptance. I’d like to create a safe space for people of all gender identities. I was thinking of something like this: if you’re not cisgender and want to provide a story or words of encouragement, perhaps you could take a picture of yourself holding a sign that says “My Name Is _______” and add whatever you want below. (Of course, if you’re cisgender and want to offer support, that would also be a good thing, but if we did this, I would have to respectfully ask you not to do the “My Name Is ______” thing.) I’m pretty sure the idea of something like this already exists somewhere out there, but it doesn’t hurt to have more. Let’s try not to have any more #their name was… and more #my name is…
(Also, I apologize if this post seems all over the place. I didn’t get much sleep last night, so my writing ability is not that great today.)
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