Final, unfiltered thoughts.
I made a choice that hurt someone. I knew there were feelings involved, and I still continued. I hurt someone who was already hurting. And even if I didn’t call her a friend, even if we were distant, she was still a person with feelings I should’ve considered. I now understand that depth doesn’t always define worth—someone doesn’t need to be close for their pain to matter.
At that time, I told myself it didn’t matter because we were not friends. I was unstable, overwhelmed, and not fully myself. I struggled to connect and being friends with people. But romantic attention feels… simpler, because it’s structured: you can enter, exit, and there’s clear consent and boundaries (even if the emotional consequences are messy) and I used that distance to justify my actions. That was selfish. Friends or not, what I did was unkind. Being emotionally unwell does not excuse ignoring someone else’s feelings.
Time passing is not forgiveness. Silence is not the same as saying sorry. I understand why it may feel like nothing was acknowledged. From the other side, the absence of words can feel like avoidance or denial. I accept that this is how it may look.
I chose not to speak because I did not want my words to reopen wounds, center my guilt, or turn accountability into something that benefits me more than the person I hurt. I chose distance instead. I understand that this choice also has consequences, including being seen as someone who never took responsibility at all. I accept that too.
I want to be clear: I do not deny what I did. I do not minimize it. I do not rewrite it into something softer. I broke something, and I own that.
Life did not stop after my mistake. I am in a relationship now that is real, and I do not regret loving the person I love. That does not erase the harm I caused. Both truths exist at the same time. Loving someone now does not mean I did things right then.
Accountability, for me, is not public performance or self-destruction. It is acknowledging the harm, accepting how others see me because of it, and making sure I do not repeat the same pattern again.
Knowing I would still make the same choice back then, I realized there was nothing I could do that would be entirely right.
If I apologize to ease my guilt, that’s self-serving.
If I apologize knowing it will reopen your wound, that’s also not kind.
If I apologize and expect forgiveness, that’s unfair.
If forgiveness never comes, I accept that. If anger remains, I understand why. Healing does not require reconciliation, and it does not require my presence in someone else’s life.
I am not writing this to clear my name. I am writing this to say the truth plainly: I acted selfishly, and it caused pain. I recognize that fully.
I am peaceful now—not because the past no longer matters, but because I am choosing to live differently. Quietly. Carefully. With more awareness than I had before.
