[risingleosun-blog]

It’s OK to rest

So I posted here that I felt dejected a day before for my comprehensive exams. But the good news is, I passed! Now that it’s over and I passed with flying colors, it’s time to get moving to the next adventure ahead of me. What fun.

Although, before I do that, I’d like to take a quick retrospective of the past. I find it super ironic that I would feel dejection when I was able to do quite well. And I was having a few sad days before that to boot. It was quite an emotional roller coaster ride. And yet the outcome was that there was nothing to worry about. I wonder if there’s anyone who feels 100% confident of their future. I suppose I was able to go through it pretty well, though. It’s okay to have sad days. I think I could have examined what was going through my head that made my feelings confused, but that’s an exercise for the future.

Now, though, I’m on to my next challenge. The prospect of graduation is less than a year away, and I only have practicum and my final culminating project to overcome. Then I’d be done and I can call myself a Master of Psychology. Can you imagine? Time flies by so fast.

Today I just stayed at home. It was a rest day. I realized that I’ve been spending my time outside of the house doing so many things for so many other people that I had no time to rest and recharge and be by myself. I forgot that times like that are so important for my energy. I need to take energy in again and recharge my life battery. While I think I’m an extrovert, today made me realize that I really haven’t had time like this for a while. And I appreciate it. I appreciate being in my room and just taking the moment to re-center myself and re-organize. Perhaps I need more days like these in order to do more in the future. 

Anyway, I’m rambling. But it’s okay. I feel good. My body is well-rested. And I just wanted to play. Despite this laid back day, I was also able to finish some chores I set for myself. So there is some productivity going on. That makes me grateful.

To more blessings in the future!

Just keep moving.

Leo

[risingleosun-blog]

Anime/ Manga I’m Currently Obsessing Over: Food Wars!: Shokugeki no Soma

So, a day before my comprehensive exams, I felt absolute dejection. Days prior, I studied for a long time. However, no matter how much I studied, I had this creeping fear of not having enough time to cover all of the material that could probably save my ass. At the same time, I also had this sense of confidence that I passed all my courses with flying colors before and that I probably had enough knowledge to get a decent enough score, and perhaps even miraculously a top score within our batch. (One can dream) Still, with just one day left, I felt no motivation to do anything related to the exam anymore. The mere fact of reading some more texts which I’ve gone through before nauseated me. Sure it’s good to refresh myself, but I couldn’t possibly cram everything right?

But anyway, I digress. The point is, I was feeling down. More than down, I felt like there was nothing I could find that would give me any feeling of happiness, wonder, and joy. Nothing. Still, I scoured Netflix for something to cheer me up and take my mind off the things I studied, and I saw the Anime selection. Immediately, I felt a pull towards Anime. I haven’t watched any anime for a few years now. Consider it as part of “adulting”. But I remember that when I was a kid and even through my teens, I always got hooked on watching anime. And more than hooked, I always felt a sense of wonder, joy, and full engagement when I watched the really good ones. Lo and behold, Netflix presented me with two recommended anime. Still, I had a difficult time selecting what anime could possibly lift my spirits? While there was a good selection, I ultimately went with food. I love food. I wasn’t in the mood for heroes (e.g. My Hero Academia) or whatever school-related setting that wanted to show a weird slice of life. So I went with food. And that’s when I became acquainted with Food Wars: Shokugeki no Soma

All I can say is that after I got past the hentai scenes of the first episode, I was hooked. I felt like I was slowly being recharged by all the feel-good elements of the anime. It’s got so many things that made me want to revel in real life again. And I just wanted to write this as thanks for the joyride that the anime brought me in. In trying to understand what exactly made me feel a sense of wonder again, I think I could break down the elements to the following:

1.  The Outrageous Reaction Scenes towards Food

2. The Optimistic Outlook and Ambitious Personality of the Main Character (Soma)

3. The way humor can be inserted in everything

4. The way everything and everyone is portrayed as having a funny side

5. The way the character’s principles persevere

6. The idealism that envelops the entire series

7. The delicious looking food that is actually based on real food.

That’s it! So pretty much, I’m back to being grateful and jolly with life again. This is great!

[risingleosun-blog]

Currently reading: Personal MBA by Josh Kaufman

So I'm currently reading this book, which is a bit dated. This revised edition was printed in 2012. Still, it's touted as a book of timeless business principles that would form the foundation of my business savvy. I think that means that no matter the year of publication, the content is still relevant.

I'm a psychologist in training, but even professionals like us need to understand the business we're in. Especially when clinics need managing! So I think that this education is essential as well. I don't know what's in store for me, but I'm quite excited of what I might find out. Anyway, since I'm still beginning my journey of business self-education, I thought I'd share it with you guys. I hope I would do well! I'm excited! Wish me luck!

[risingleosun-blog]

It’s OK to not be “OK”

It’s okay to not be okay. Today, I wasn’t feeling very well again. Low energy, no motivation, and generally feeling like I couldn’t do anything. I tried to think of what happened this morning to make me feel this way. Apparently, nothing. I also didn’t go through anything in the past few days, weeks, or years that I could chalk up to making me feel this way. So, the only culprit I could think of is my physiology,  particularly my menstrual cycle. 

New Girl really hit the nail on the head when it comes to describing how being on your period feels like.

I mean, I’ve felt like this before, and I even wrote about it a few weeks ago during my last menstrual cycle. It kind of sucks to have to go through this again, especially with a deadline looming, but I also need to take care of myself. So I’m happy that I’m able to catch myself this time, instead of mope around. While I do have a lot of things I need to do, I think that it’s okay to be not okay once in a while. Or in this case, once a month. And it’s okay to take the time to take care of myself. 

So today, I rested. I ate, I slept, and I watched a movie. Sometimes I think to myself that I should be more mechanical. It’s a Monday, and I should be studying from 9AM-5PM and only enjoy and rest from 5PM onwards. But, I’m not at work, I’m a student. I have a different schedule, and I don’t have to conform. I have a life to take care of and a physical body to work on. I’ve been pumping out so much productivity that I need to just have a day off. Later in life, I won’t be as privileged to be in a position where I can just rest without needing to ask for permission or using a leave. So I think this is okay.

I also watched The Shape of Water which also espouses the idea of having a different schedule, creativity, and freedom of expression. So, I suppose I can apply those themes in my life right now. Perhaps I’ve been used to the rigor of conformity for most of my life. I used to wake up early morning to reach school by 7AM. I was used to wearing a uniform day in and day out. I did not wear any makeup or jewelry as per the rules. At work, I followed the rules and orders. I would feel an upset stomach whenever I perceived that I wasn’t following what was standard. This feeling of the need to conform still pervades even at a time when I am free to choose my path, my schedule, and my life.

As I drop the routine of work to continue with further studies, I am suddenly outside of the loop of a systematic schedule. Sure, there are classes every now and then, but that’s the only thing that dictates my routine. With this freedom from rigidity, I feel discomfort and some anxiety. Am I doing enough? Sometimes I think, probably not since I am not producing anything from 9-5. And yet, at the same time I am growing and learning more than I used to. I am productive and expressive in leaps and bounds. I am learning how to add color to my life. I am gaining more self-awareness as I take more time to reflect. And it’s OK. I’m Okay. 

So, yes, this long ramble was just about how it’s okay to not be okay. But it transformed to really, it’s okay to not conform to societal expectations. It’s okay to be okay with myself.

[risingleosun-blog]

Josh Daniel sings Labrinth’s Jealous | Auditions Week 1 | The X Factor U...

This is tough to watch and made me cry to tears. I miss my best friend from Grad School so much. And as I watch this and acquaint myself with the lyrics, I can’t help but cry. Especially at the part where he says:

Cause I wished you the best of All this world could give And I told you when you left me There's nothing to forgive But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was Heartbreak and misery It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way You're happy without me

Oh God, I miss you so much. And I sometimes think it’s unfair for me to feel this way when I know that you are so much more loved and closer to others. I feel so much guilt for your loss. I really wish I could be there for you. I really wish this to be true. But you and I both know that all feelings are valid, and for you to make me feel this way is a testament to the magical love that you inspire in people as they get to know you.

It was a privilege, an honor, and a blessing to know you and become your friend. I hope you are in a happier place now. I miss you and I love you. 

Also, you know that this isn’t the way I hoped to write this letter to you. Yes, I’ve been writing multiple letters to you. I hope you get all of them in heaven’s mail. I really miss you so much, and I wish you the best. With all my heart, I love you. Take care and sleep well. 

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

The best revenge is to have enough self-worth not to seek it.

www.LiveLifeHappy.com (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

There used to be a person who took advantage of me. And for the longest time, I felt like a victim. I thought of ending my life but then realized that if I did that, I let him win. So I kept my life and made an oath to be better than him. That was my revenge. However, it tired me to live my life striving so hard just so I can be better than a person I never kept tabs on. It was also ironic to tell myself that he’s nothing to me now when my striving is based upon a psychic competition against my idea of him.

Reading this today, I am partially freed. Perhaps in spirit. I hope my entire soul follows suit. But for now, I think that the game is no longer to be better than but to be good enough for myself that I don’t need to prove myself to anyone or compare myself to others. My own journey is my own adventure. It is great on its own, and its unfolding is exciting. That’s all that matters to me now. So thank you, whoever shared these words. These are so powerful.

[risingleosun-blog]

It’s OK to have an imperfect day

Dear younger Leo, 

It’s a new day. Exciting as it can be for others, for you it’s pretty much filled with dread. Dread that you will make mistakes. Dread that you won’t able to fulfill standards you’ve set for yourself. Dread that there isn’t enough time. Ironically, you use up more of that finite time you have escaping the reality by scrolling through Facebook. And that’s okay. But know that you’re going to be okay. Today, no matter what happens, as long as you’re alive and breathing, then you did well. You moved forward. You did okay.

So don’t be afraid. There might have been a time in your past that you felt like you were really lonely. That’s okay. Those feelings are valid. But know that now, I am with you and I won’t leave your back. I will have your back and lift you up when you are down, like what I’m doing now. You’re feeling lonely? Don’t worry, you’re not alone anymore. Perhaps back then it was hard to find friends who knew the right words to say. It was even harder to find the parents you longed for. Even harder to stomach the harsh words from people you trusted, when you needed comfort and care. You felt alone, but you weren’t alone because you had yourself. And you didn’t give up on yourself. You chugged on life holding onto your own sanity and love for yourself and that was enough. In fact, it’s all you ever need! And you rocked that love like it was a diamond ring on your finger. You rocked that love by waking up every morning. You rocked that love by reading, by writing, by caring, by sharing. You rocked that love by growing. Believe it or not, your love made others love you. And though you’ve changed so much as a person, you are still the same worthy you that you are. And that’s great. So let go of this loneliness now. It has served its purpose: to give you the distance from others to find yourself and love yourself foremost. 

Next, I know that you’re also feeling anxious. You’re anxious to mess up. You don’t want to make any more life-changing mistakes. It’s a fucking scary world out there! But, my God, your mistakes have led you to a wonderful life. It’s not something that would be posted all over magazines and peddled to the world to buy, you’re right. But it’s your unique life experience that has made you into the wonderful person you are today. You have learned so much from your mistakes. So congratulations on that! So go and make those mistakes, because it’s all of those sidequests that make heroes stronger in those RPGs you loved, right? Let go of your phone. Step out of bed and play some music. Do some yoga. Meditate and write down your feelings. And if these things take time that you’re so afraid you’ll lose time, then let yourself lose that time! It’s fine for things to go imperfectly. You know you’ll learn to get your rhythm. And it’s not by playing on your phone and comparing your life through others via social media. It’s just taking that step and starting the day the way you wish it would go. Remember, it’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay.

And yes, you’re also thinking that this letter to yourself is a little bit ranty and unstructured. Well, that’s okay. Maybe we’ll get the hang of it. Maybe not. But the important thing is this: you wrote it. And that’s AWESOME. Congratulations. 

Take care, 

Present Leo

[risingleosun-blog]

Letters to my past self

I have this bad habit. I have this bad habit of not grabbing life by the balls. Instead, I procrastinate by waking up and fishing for my phone first and foremost to scroll through Facebook and Instagram. There's really nothing there, I know. But somehow, I'm just not ready to face the day head-on. So I escape through social media. I’ve been trying to wrap around the reason why I do this and I think part of the reason is that I just feel this god damn debilitating loneliness sometimes. Also, I feel some anxiety about the day and the future in general. 

There is no clear reason to be lonely though. I am loved by an amazing man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I also have amazing friends and a supportive family. Neither do I have much to be really anxious about. So far, I’m doing well in my endeavors and no matter what ruts I go through, I always seem to persevere and keep on moving on. Yet this feeling of dread and anxiety keep haunting me and I finally know why.

These feelings aren’t about the present - they’re feeling about the past. They are feelings about unresolved issues I’ve had perhaps in my early childhood. Or they may be traumatic experiences that were unresolved because I didn’t have the resources to resolve them at the time. And while I don’t have an exact memory of those past events which made me feel horribly lonely and extremely anxious, I do have the memory of the feeling lingering in me. And that is what I have to address.

Thankfully, I came to this conclusion with a little bit of help with a professional who really makes sure he is competent and caring enough. A person who believes that I have the capacity to take care of myself and resolve these issues in my own creative way. So, this is my creative way. I will write to my past self.  And I will start now. Perhaps, this blog is really what that is for. Letters to my past self. Letters to that child who was made to feel lonely or anxious through no fault of her own. This is me looking out for myself. This is my journey. I don’t know where this will take me, or whether it will work at all. But at least it’s worth a shot. So here I go. To my third letter to myself... But in another post. 

[risingleosun-blog]

Period Productivity Zero

This is me for the past three days. So instead of planning for my wedding or studying for the comprehensive exams, on which my entire career rests on, I stayed in bed and watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine. FOR THREE DAYS. No regrets though.

[risingleosun-blog]

It’s OK. It’s OK.

Hey,

The past three days have been pretty bad days for you. And that’s okay. I know it can be frustrating to feel like crap. Especially when feeling like crap leads you to think you are crap. Acknowledge those feelings, and let them go. Because you’re ok. 

I know that for the past three days you’ve been staying mostly in bed, only getting out to forage for food - mostly junk. While holding the packages of processed food, you think to yourself, “well this will make me fat” or “this isn’t good for me”. But despite these thoughts, you proceed to eat them anyway, as if all your willpower has been drained. And that’s okay.

I know that this is far from your usual self or your peak. I know that you want to be better and you’re always striving to be better. And this frustrates you. You think that you can’t afford to be like this. You’re judging yourself because you think that you’re already so behind from everyone and that you aren’t reaching your goals as early as you want. You’re comparing yourself to others. Acknowledge that you’re doing this, and let it go. Come back to your present. Because really, you’re okay. 

For the past three days, your body and mind have been rebelling against you. And that’s okay. They’re telling you that it’s time to rest and regenerate. (Also you have your period, and that’s a bitch.) You have done a lot, and you deserve this time on the bed. You have free days, and you can use it. It’s really okay. 

I know that this is an uncomfortable time for you. Your mind is telling you that you’re not lovable. That you’re imperfect. That you’re incompetent. But that’s okay. It really is! All of these are just one way of interpreting yourself. Let these go and perhaps you can realize that there are other ways of seeing yourself. 

You’ve been through a lot of things and you’re still standing. You have risen above ranks, you have withstood some difficult times, you have helped people. You have done so much. And you can still get to where you need to go. And that’s okay. These three days (or four or seven) cannot define your years of resilience. So it’s okay. 

It’s okay.