unremarkably lost

@river-dawson

River Dawson. 27. little slow figuring this shit out.

1,663 posts

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: No one is ever solely responsible for someone's heart. There's friends, family -- chosen family at that too. But yeah, you're right. If that's how you see it, then I guess this is not going to work out. Cause even though I love you, and even though you keep telling me I'm enough, I don't think I can handle never feeling that.

River: Yeah but it's not the same as someone you are with. Astrid, I wish that I could give you what you want so that you would believe me when I tell you that there isn't anything missing from you. There isn't anything about you that is a reason why I wouldn't do this.

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: But why, if one person is enough, would you not want to commit to that one person? I mean, I don't believe there's just one person for someone out there, but I don't really get why you'd want to look for one of the others when you're already with someone who is enough.

River: I don't know that I have an answer that will explain it or will satisfy at all. I just have never been a one person guy. I like meeting new people and learning new things and committing to one person is restricting and a lot of responsibility. I can't be solely responsible for someone's heart like that.

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: So does that mean that one person is not enough? Or is it something else? I don't think I get exactly what it is you want.

Astrid: Thank you.

River: It isn't at all about someone not being enough. You are more than enough. You are everything someone could want. I just don't think that everyone is meant for one person.

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: I don't know, just be there for each other when you need it, being committed to each other and not having to worry about whether feels the same. Basically just what we've been doing without the anxiety of not being good enough.

Astrid: I know I've said it so many times already, but I don't know. I'm just not really in a place where I can pretend this feels okay.

River: I've never been someone that felt like they could or should be with one person but that doesn't mean that I don't feel the same for you.

River: I hate this but I get it.

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: How do you know that? We've never talked about it, have we?

Astrid: It still felt wrong though. Me neither, but I don't think I can be just friends right now. Don't get me wrong, I want to. And maybe one day I can, but it just hurts right now.

River: Alright what does a relationship look like to you?

River: So what? We don't talk for now?

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: Of course, but communication is always important. And so are compromises. I wasn't just going to let it come to my way or no way. I don't know, River. You tell me.

- a minute later -

Astrid: Sorry, that was mean. I just don't know anymore. You've clearly made up your mind, so maybe it's better to just let this all be.

River: But there isn't really a way to compromise here. If there was I would do it.

River: It wasn't mean. You are allowed to lash out without apologizing. You deserve to. I know it is probably better to just let it be but I don't want to fucking say goodbye to you.

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: I never said I wanted to jump straight into a relationship. I just wanted to know if you could even see that in the future. Obviously we would have to talk about that, get to know each other even better in that front. But it's becoming more clear to me that you simply don't want me to get to know you.

River: You told me that you loved me and wanted to be with me. So even if it wasn't just going right into a relationship that is ideally what you want right? If I didn't want you to get to know me then what have we been doing with each other before now?

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: Maybe we do see relationships differently, but it's not like we've ever really talked about it? And I want to be with you because I can't help the way I feel about you. And honestly, I just don't see you intentionally doing something to hurt me. As for the other parts, we can work through that. Together. And getting hurt is a part of life. And if it means that there's even the slightest chance that maybe this can work, I want to try. Besides. I could never hate you.

River: So how can you enter into a relationship with someone that you don't even know has the same view on it as you? I can't help the way I feel about you either but that doesn't change everything. You don't know that, Astrid. You can say that now but the truth is if things end badly you don't know how you would feel.

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: I never said it was simple. Things like this take time, but cutting me off before the curtain has even moved one bit doesn't exactly help that. That's not what's hurting me, though. The idea of you thinking you're the worst possible thing to come into my life is. You trying to push me away so I can't see all of you is. That you don't trust me to protect myself when I feel I need to is. I'm more than capable of making my own choices, and you're making them for me now by 'protecting me' from you.

Astrid: I don't know what I can possibly say to you to make you feel like I'm here for the good and the bad. But I am. No one is all good, or all bad. Neither are you.

River: It's not like I think I am some monster but yeah I know that I am not as good as you think I am. And I can never give what you need. We see relationships differently and a part of me wants to try it your way so that I don't have to put you through this but I am telling you that it isn't worth it. Why would you want to be with someone that is telling you that you would just end up being hurt? You can't want that for yourself. Even if you think there is something good here too. I don't want you to end up hating me.

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: Then show me and let me decide for myself. It's not like I've put all my negative sides on display, but those that I have shown haven't scared you off. What makes you think I can only handle the good and pretty? What makes you think I can't love the real you?

River: It's not that simple. It's not like just pulling back a curtain and there it is. There is nothing about your things that could hurt me but that isn't true about me. I'm already hurting you now by trying to do the right thing by you.

#text #astrid #i am passing out now #hope you have a good day :)

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: Then what? You're protecting me from the awful thing that is you? Because that's bullshit. The amount of times I've thought I wasn't good enough, or fun enough, or exciting enough for you -- if you're telling the truth, then all that worrying was for nothing. If I'm good enough for you, why would you ever thing you weren't good enough for me? Is it really that hard to accept that I love all of you? Good and the bad?

River: You don't even know the bad. It's always just been good between us. And everything between us has been sincere but I definitely have given you the best parts of me. I'm a selfish person. Can you not see that now? Instead of just leaving you alone I am opening up all this up and hurting you more just because I want to talk to you.

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: If you want me, but you don't think you can stay faithful, or give me what I need... What do you want? Because to me it all seems like a choice you make. If I'm not enough for you, then just say that. It's not fair to either of us to hide behind excuses.

River: Okay yes it is a choice of mine but it isn't because of you. You are more than enough for me. You are more than I could ever dream. Someone like you isn't even supposed to want me in the first place and the fact that you did I will never understand. Nothing about this has anything to do with you missing anything.

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: It's not your fault. If I hadn't brought it up, we would've been fine. At least for now. It's just hard to accept that even then, it probably wouldn't have worked out. You can't force something to work, no matter how much anyone wants it.

River: It always was going to come up if it was something that you wanted from this. And I get why you did. It's the normal thing. You're not at fault. I'm the one who can't give you what you need but I do want you, Astrid.

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: I don't know, I just don't want to add to that, I guess. It just sucks. Like I said, you made a choice, and that's fine. I have to deal with that. And it doesn't feel fair to air all of that out to you.

River: It is fair to me. I'm the reason you feel this way. It's my fault that you are hurting and have to deal with something. And honestly it's probably selfish of me but I want you to talk to me. Even if it's the shitty stuff cause I miss you.

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: I mean, I don't want you to feel like shit just because you have to hear that I do. You made a choice and that's completely fine. I just have to find a way to deal with it, but I really don't want to bother you with that. I'm sure we can get back to that point where I share everything with you again, but right now it just doesn't feel right to.

River: If you don't want to talk to me then I get that and that is fine but don't not talk to me because you think you are bothering me. It's not like I don't feel like shit too.

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

Astrid: What do you want me to say? That it hurts and I feel like shit? What good is that going to do?

River: Idk. Maybe it doesn't do any good or maybe talking about it will. But I also care about you and I hate that I don't know what is going on with you.

✉ || RIVER ⇄ ASTRID

- after a lot of typing and then deleting -

Astrid: I know. I just don't know if I can do the whole small-talk thing right now.

River: Then don't small talk and really talk to me. You still can.

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