I know you, Poet. I know it wouldâve been too intimate for you if⊠if you had sided with me after I told you that I was in love with you.
CLASS OF â09 | 1.03: Thank You for Not Driving
Finally getting my work inbox down to <50 emails only to be ccâd on literally everything from everyone for no reason and have it spike to 150 in less than an hour
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
When Camila had first suggested a triple date Lilith hadnât expected it to feel so⊠crowded.
Five minutes into the film and Ava had cuddled up into Beatriceâs personal space. Beatrice had merely lifted her arms and given Ava more comfortable accesss, as if this were an ordinary, every day, gesture. Lilith can still see them from the corner of her eye, Ava basically in Beatriceâs lap.
Ten minutes into the film and Mary and Shannon had left the room without any pretense, only offering a âHave fun kidsâ as they disappeared down the hall into one of the bedrooms.
Itâs thirty minutes into the film now and Lilith still sits in the space spot, her back rigid against the couch and her hands clasped firmly on her lap. Thereâs a clamminess to them that she isnât used to. Camila shifts beside herâ thereâs still a whole gap between them that may as well be an entire ocean at this point.
OR
Lilith finally works up the courage to cuddle her new girlfriend.
She stares out toward the empty house next door, with the dark curtains drawn and the door permanently closed now. Itâs been two years since Ava left and Mama S moved away but if Beatrice concentrates she can still imagine Avaâs bubbly laughter ringing out from across the yard.Â
The thought leaves an empty ache in her chest and she sighs, closing her eyes against the ridiculousness of it all. No amount of imagining is going to bring Ava back. Itâs been two years. And try as she might, Beatrice finds she can no longer remember specific details about Ava. She wonders idly what Ava looks like now. How her front teeth had grown in and if her hair was still tousled. She wonders if Ava is happy somewhere out there. Beatrice wonders for a brief, bitter moment if Ava found new friends.Â
Ch. 2 of my childhood!Friends AU is up! You can find the rest here
Suddenly the girl looks up, her eyes meeting Beatriceâs through the window. She doesnât think the girl can see her from this angle but the girlâs grin brightens, revealing a gap between her front teeth. Her hair is tousled underneath the ball cap sheâs wearing and thereâs a smudge of dirt against her left cheek.Â
Sheâs pretty, Beatrice realizes with a jolt.
The sight of the girl sends an odd ache through her chest that she doesnât quite understand. But Beatrice still finds herself raising her hand and pressing it against the glass of her window in a wave. To her delight the girl waves back, her arm moving back and forth in a wild gesture that matches the excitement of her smile.Â
My new Childhood friends!AU You can read the rest here
The moodboard was made by the super talented and lovely @book-and-music-lover!
The night is always the hardest time for Beatrice to pretend. Maybe itâs simply because in the darkness she can hide. She can be freely herself without the weight of duty and expectation. Maybe itâs because in the dark, with Avaâs body pressed close against hers, the longing that rises from deep within her and fills the room is so much louder than the small voice in her head telling her that itâs selfish.Â
Whatever the reason may be, tonight is definitely one of the hardest.Â
My contribution for Valentines day! Based off this tweet
Avaâs wounds have mostly healed. But her head wound is taking longer than either of them would like to heal and Beatrice has to keep fighting the urge to check it once more. At the rate it's been healing, she doubts thereâs been much progress since she last checked 0.45 seconds ago.Â
Ava is fighting sleep. The room is dim, with only the light on the nightstand illuminating Avaâs face, but Beatrice can see her eyes drooping shut only for Ava to jerk herself awake again. â âM fine BeaâŠ. Get some sleep.âÂ
Her words are slurred with exhaustion and possibly a little from the pain medicine Beatrice insisted on Ava taking. She isnât sure if the Halo will pass it out of Avaâs system before it can do anything but it was worth trying. She ignores Avaâs mumbled suggestion and instead reaches over to tuck a wisp of hair behind Avaâs ear, as gently as she can manage.Â
âIs the medicine working?âÂ
Ava opens her mouth to answer but then grimaces as she shifts a little. âCould be worseâŠâ She offers a lopsided smile and shrugs, her eyes focusing back on Beatriceâs face.Â
âIt could be better.â She knows Ava is trying to put on a brave face. For her own sake or for Beatrice, she canât quite tell. But either way she feels helpless, the panic pressing into her chest more tightly. The image of Ava falling, her lifeless form on the pavement, keeps replaying in Beatriceâs head again and again.Â
Sheâs pulled out of the despairing thoughts forming in her head when Ava shifts again, curling up around Beatrice and burying her face in Beatriceâs shoulder. She feels, more than hears, Ava mumble, âWill you sing for me Bea?âÂ
Avaâs warm breath and the tickle of her lips as she mumbles against Beaâs skin is distracting. Her brain stops, and then seems to restart again too quickly and it takes her a moment to clarify, âSing for you?âÂ
Her voice comes out more strangled than she intends and her heart does an odd flip at the request. But Ava nods against her and mumbles again, âPlease?âÂ
So Beatrice shifts too, her arms already wrapping around Ava carefully, determined to shield Ava from even the light on the nightstand if she has to.Â
She wracks her brain for a song, anything. She considers singing a hymn but even half asleep Ava probably wouldnât have the patience to deal with yet another religious offering. Thereâs one song she remembers, an old tune that warbled on the car radio when she was a child. But the song is ridiculous and too close to the truth.Â
âI canât think of anythingâŠ.â She hedges, wracking her brain for another song, any other song, but Avaâs face is already pulling into a sleepy pout.Â
â âS okay Bea.â Avaâs voice is resigned, tired. And she shifts uncomfortably again. And oh Beatrice would move mountains for this girl, curled up in her arms. So why canât she bring herself to give into this one request, no matter how much it might ache?Â
âI know one song.â She sighs, âBut I donât think itâs appropriateâÂ
There. At least she can say she made an attempt to forego this embarrassing and dangerous request. Can say she put in some sort of fight before giving her heart away completely. But Avaâs face is already relaxing into another lopsided, sleepy smile and Beatrice knows that sheâs a lost cause.Â
So she sings the first song she remembers from before her religious days.Â
She keeps her voice low, for Avaâs ears only. Despite no one else being in the room Beatrice canât help but feel shy. Itâs been years since sheâs used her voice for anything other than prayers and she knows sheâs rusty. But Ava doesnât seem to mind. She relaxes against Beatrice, her breath slowing into the cadence of the words.
Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I canât help
Falling in love with you
Beatrice hesitates for a moment, a lump forming in her throat around the next lyrics. Her arms tighten around Ava minutely and she blinks past the tears in her eyes, her voice catching a little as she continues singing,Â
Shall I stay?
Would it be a sin?
If I canât help
Falling in love with you
Her voice trails off at the end of the chorus and for a long moment the room is filled with silence. She can feel Avaâs heart against her own chest, the steady, reassuring thump of it, and she thinks Ava might have fallen asleep. She blinks back the few remaining tears, determined to ignore the pang in her chest and the overwhelming longing, until Ava shifts again, her eyes blinking open slowly to stare up at Beatrice.Â
âBea?â Her name is almost whispered. Avaâs eyebrows are drawn together, her mouth tugging downward in a thoughtful frown as she studies Beatrice.Â
âHmmm?â She wants to look away, wants to run from the question so clearly burning behind Avaâs dark eyes. But she canât. Sheâs caught in the pull of Avaâs gaze, helpless to turn away and she swears for a moment the world stops turning.Â
But then Ava blinks, the heaviness of sleep returning and her eyes close for a moment too long. She relaxes again, her face falling back into the crook of Beatriceâs shoulder and she mumbles something incoherent that Bea canât quite catch.Â
She canât decide which is worse. Ava knowing the truth, or the confession thatâs now trapped just on the tip of Beatriceâs tongue, refusing to stay buried in her chest any longer but unable to break free, even when it really counts.Â
She almost lost Ava tonight and she may very well lose her again. The knowledge only makes the confession cling more tightly to her throat, the bitter sweet taste of it lingering on her tongue.Â
She reaches up and turns out the light, shrouding them in the comfortable darkness. At least here she can tell the truth, even if Ava will never hear it.Â
Would it be a sin? If I canât help falling in love with you?
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