God, he was an idiot. They had never stopped wanting each other - he could have said he wanted her at any point and she would have taken him back? Wasn’t there a saying that when you get all the things you thought you wanted in life then you realised you didn’t really want all those things in the end? Shagging lots of girls, living in the city, being rich… there was always something missing, something making him feel a bit empty inside, but it was what he had wanted his whole life? So he just kept going, accumulating more and more, because surely it must just be that he hadn’t shagged enough girls, he wasn’t rich enough and after that he’d be happy. After getting Evie though, he couldn’t deny that the thing that had always been missing was Robin. And he would take back everything to be back at that party where they had their stupid row and he would never yell, he would never leave her. Forget what they said about hindsight, there was nothing beautiful about it, it was fucking brutal.
Now he was stood in the middle of the brutality of it all. The brutality of saying the words he never had the nerve to say, but holding himself back enough to not kiss her. To kiss her one more time would hurt him in ways he didn’t even want to acknowledge in this moment. And he was thinking of the endings as Robin was screaming and crying and asking impossible questions. He never intended of telling her, but in that moment, seeing her cry, seeing her hold the polaroid - he knew he had to. If she heard from anyone else then she wouldn’t understand, she would never know it from his mouth and she deserved that more than anything else. Telling the love of his life the horrible things he had done surely would be good practice for turning himself in.
He took her hands for a minute in an attempt to calm her down, but it gave him the sinking feeling that soon enough she would never want him to touch her again. “Robin, I have to go.” He repeated, letting go of her hands and taking a step backwards. “I have to go to the police.” He wiped at his face, getting himself together before he had to tell her everything that until now he had never said out loud. “I wanted to hear you say ‘I love you’, because I know you’re not going to do that anymore. In that moment though… It was an accident, but what happened to Matt, that was me.”
He didn’t give her a chance to say anything in that moment, because he needed to get to the explanation as quickly as possible, he turned away from her completely, unable to look at her face. He would get stronger for his confession later to the police, but this was the strongest he could be in this moment.
“I didn’t mean to and I didn’t know he was already so weak, but now when I think back on it, all I see is him barely being able to walk and the blood he had on him. He was so weak before I even got there.” He was crying now and it would get worse, as all he saw was Matt’s broken body and the death. “So uh… I found out Hazel wasn’t mine, like I took her for that doctor check up with the blood test thing and it didn’t make sense with what mine and yours are, so I did a paternity test and didn’t tell you. I told Matt though and I didn’t know what to do or what to think - I hated you in that moment, like for the first time ever. Not because of Hazel, like she is mine and that didn’t change anything, but I thought you had cheated on me and then lied to me.” He inhaled deeply, because he couldn’t keep talking and crying like this. “I went there when he called me, pissed off with him because I knew he was cheating on Evie and I was giving him hell for that and he just… he just didn’t care, you know? It was like he wanted me to hurt him more than he already was. He was going to lose Evie and he knew with what I found out… he was going to lose everything. He told me at a party when we argued and I left, he drugged you and… he said he wasn’t expecting you to be so out of it, but you were and so he decided to… Hazel is his and -,” He crumpled against a wall, practically screaming out in sobs as everything he had bottled in left him. “What was I supposed to do? I hit him and then he kept talking about what he did to you and so I just put my hands around him to get him to shut up and before I could -,”
Robin closed her eyes and pulled away slightly from Jack in protest as she felt his hands on hers. She shook her head at the sound of him saying her name but still turned back to look at him, her voice strained in a quiet desperation. “Where?” Then he was the one pulling away, leaving her hands cold the moment he let go of them. Her eyebrows furrowed at the mention of the police station, but before she could open her mouth to ask, Jack continued talking. The words that followed were strung together with a delicately tangled thread in her mind, she heard everything but already it felt jumbled, like she couldn’t fully grasp what he was admitting to. A disbelieving laugh left her and she shook her head as he spoke about Matt, but a chill was already creeping up her spine. “That’s not -” But when her eyes met his again, all she could see was the seriousness across his face. Robin shook her head and backed away from Jack.
She didn’t have a chance to respond, or even gather her thoughts before he’d continued talking. Suddenly Robin was aware of the tears flowing down her cheeks. She was crying again, had she ever stopped? Would she ever be able to? Her breathing was shallow as she turned away from Jack fully, shaking her head over and over to get it to stop. All she wanted at that moment was to stop listening, to drown out every word that Jack was saying. To hold onto what she’d always believed to be the truth about her life and her friendship with Matt and her relationship with Jack and everything to do with her daughter. But she couldn’t speak, she couldn’t cover her ears, she couldn’t even open her mouth, she felt utterly paralyzed. Yet she heard every single syllable that left Jack’s mouth - every word painfully pierced her skin and sunk deep into her brain, playing in an incessant loop..
And then the only sound left in the flat was strained tears.
“It was that night wasn’t it?” Robin’s voice broke through the silence with nothing more than a whisper, raspy with tears as she turned to face Jack. She knew she didn’t need to elaborate or even look at him, he knew. The night that had given her a hollow feeling every time she’d thought of it even years later, a feeling she had never been able to put into words when she’d tried to talk to him about it. But he knew, and now she did too.
She squeezed her eyes shut and turned away from Jack again, shaking her head fervently. “No, no - All this fucking time and it was Matt? My best - our best friend. There’s no way... We spoke at his fucking memorial- we-” She lifted two shaky hands to her face to try to scrub at the tears on her cheeks, to scrub away all the memories and the uneasy feelings that had sat with her for years when she thought back to that night and her conversation with Matt the next morning. “God. I always felt weird about that night, you know? And when Matt explained it away the next day I still felt really off about it, but I trusted him. I was confused and embarrassed and I just thought I’d been stupid and reckless, like Mum had always said I was. And I was...” Her voice started to waiver. “He was my best friend, I didn’t think - who would ever think he’d do something like that? But I should have known the next morning, I- fuck. I should have called you that night,” A sob escaped Robin as she doubled over, processing everything all at once. All she had known her entire adult life to be was a lie - her fate, her friends, her daughter. “I’m sorry, Jacky… I - I didn’t know. If I had, I-” She couldn’t even finish the sentence. How was it that Hazel, the most precious thing in her life, the most important piece of her, only existed because their best friend had lied to them, had violated her, and had gotten away with it. “I’m so sorry.”
Robin remained quiet for several minutes, breathing deeply to steady herself as the silence settled around them once more. The nice outfit, the fresh shave, the photo of Hazel, it all made sense to her now - she had interrupted Jack’s plan to go confess. She’d lost nearly everyone - Leo, Matt, her parents, and had now come so close to losing Jack too without even knowing it. She was determined not to. Robin let out a breath and turned toward Jack, avoiding his eyes. “Would you have told me if I hadn’t come by today?” She already knew the answer, so she just shook her head. “It doesn’t matter,” she sighed, fully facing him. “I know now.”
Slowly, Robin closed the short distance between them and knelt in front of Jack, tears still fresh in her eyes and streaking her cheeks. She reached out with her still shaking hands to cradle his face and shook her head earnestly. “I - It’s okay. I mean, I believe you... I understand how it happened.” She wiped at his tears with the pads of her thumbs and brushed his hair from his face. “You’re not a monster, Jack. You know? You’re not. You didn’t mean to, it was an accident.” Her head fell as tears rose up again. “And no matter what, you are Hazel’s dad. You always have been, and you always will be. We both know that genetics doesn’t mean shit when it comes to being a good dad.” She looked back up at him with sad eyes. “I know things haven’t been easy for us, but you are the most important person to Hazel and to me, we love you and we need you. I’m not going to leave you, Jacky. We’re a family, nothing could change that.” Robin’s eyes remained locked on Jack’s for a moment, until she tore them away to place a gentle kiss at the edge of his mouth. She didn’t know where this strength was coming from within her, as the world as she knew it had just crumbled around her. But she needed Jack, and right now this was what he needed from her. Robin moved to wrap her arms around him in an embrace, resting her head on his shoulder as the momentary strength faded and the tears returned.
“Come on, Ro. It’s the best high you’ll ever have, the rush is fucking amazing.”
Robin shrugged, taking the three pills and washing them down with her drink. She hadn’t even really paid attention to what type of pills they were, just the promise of forgetting. She needed to escape, to stop thinking for a while. It was payback to her Mum, who never thought Robin could do things like this and still get out of Spenningdale. It was payback to her Dad, for leaving and taking a piece of her with him whether he wanted it or not, but perhaps most importantly to her at this moment, it was payback to Jack for acting like a child and leaving her at this party - the last party they’d have before leaving for uni. Robin was angry, but mostly she was sad, and hopefully soon, she wouldn’t feel anything.
Robin quickly finished her drink and smiled up at Matt with her eyebrows raised. “Happy now?” He smirked. “Very. And soon you will be too. Good riddance Jacky, the party’s better off without your shit attitude and even shittier music.” He let out a loud laugh and Robin shook her head, already looking around for another drink to help her push any thoughts of Jack out of her mind - his stupid argument with Matt over music, his insistence in leaving the party, her begging him to stay, the angry words they exchanged, staring after him as he retreated through the crowd. The nagging feeling of abandonment that was gnawing at her. “I don’t want to talk about Jack anymore, let’s just have fun, Matty.” Matt laughed again and threw an arm around Robin, holding up his drink.
“Yeah, fuck Jack.”
Robin had been fucked up many, many times before this, but never like she was now. She staggered away from the crowd where she’d been dancing with Matt, grabbing at the wall for support as a wave of dizziness washed over her. She barely registered the feeling of an arm around her waist to steady her, and for a moment she even thought it might be Jack coming back to surprise her; however, the thought quickly vanished as she heard Matt’s voice in her ear. “Doth my eyes deceive me? Or is Robin Oliver, who can always handle her alcohol, absolutely shitfaced?” Robin rolled her eyes, weakly pushing Matt. “Fuck off…” She protested, distantly noticing how slurred her words were. Jesus. She thought about the pills and laughed. “You were right, Matty. The pills… The music... Everything is perfect.” She let out another laugh and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Let’s keep dancing, we’re having so much fun… Let’s not stop now.” Matt threw his head back and let out a boisterous laugh. “You can barely stand up straight, Ro. Come on, you need to sit down for a bit.”
Before Robin could object, she could feel Matt guiding her towards the stairs and presumably up to his room. She did mutter a matter-of-fact, “I could have just sat on the sofa,” which made Matt laugh again. “With all those annoying fuckers in there? Nah, only the best for you Robbie.” She groaned and put a clumsy hand to his lips. “Shh don’t call me that... You’re right though.” She laughed and her hand dropped back to her side. Everything felt choppy, like moments were being spliced together with seconds or minutes at a time missing completely. Maybe she should just be going home, or to Jack’s. No. She should be with Jack. She’d pushed any thoughts of him out of the way the entire night, but now he was the only thing floating through her head. She was fully leaning into Matt at this point, shaking her head, trying to release Jack from her mind. She spoke about him instead as Matt helped her into a sitting position on his bed, it didn’t help. “Can you believe Jack was such an asshole tonight? To just leave like that. He can be such a dick sometimes… I really love him though.” Robin laughed - those words had never left her mouth before, even in moments when she could have said them to Jack, they’d always remained locked away in the safety of her thoughts.
She shook her head, resting it against Matt’s arm as they walked up the stairs. “I really fucking love him, Matt. Is that how you feel about Evie? Where she can be so frustrating but she’s still the person you want to be with over anything? ” Robin looked up at Matt with a smile, taking her free hand to tap her finger on his nose as she laughed. He suddenly appeared so uncharacteristically serious and it made Robin laugh harder. “I love you too, Matty. You and Leo… My boys. You’re never a dick, Matt… You know? You wouldn’t leave me. You’re always there - everyone’s golden boy. Jack is different though… He’s my favorite person... I don’t know, maybe I should call him? Make sure he got home safely.” Robin swayed back and forth a bit as Matt helped her into a sitting position on the edge of his bed. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Robin. Let’s not let Jack ruin the night. He’s probably already asleep, anyway.” Robin thought about this for a moment and nodded. “Yeah…” The mere motion of the nod threw her off balance, yet she was still attempting to stand up from the bed and pull him up with her. “We should go back down and dance, Matty.” Matt let out a tight laugh but didn’t move, even at Robin’s attempts to pull him up. “We just got up here? Do you really think you’re going to be able to dance when you can barely stand up? Come on, Ro.” Robin laughed and pushed him. “Yeah, you’re right. Maybe I should just go home... My Mum will be pissed.” Matt let out another laugh as he wrapped his arm around her to steady her and keep her from standing up. “Since when have you given a single fuck what your Mum thought? You’re absolutely fucked, just stay here. Jacky doesn’t have to know.”
Jack. His name was the only part of the sentence her cloudy mind settled on and she let out a laugh, nodding again, then languidly rested her head against his shoulder. She barely registered the implication of the rest of Matt’s words, or his hand that was now resting on her thigh, gently pushing up the hem of her skirt. Robin laughed again, this time turning her head away and weakly pushing at his hand. “Matty… What’re you -” She started, interrupted by Matt’s own laugh. “Chill, it’s just meant to be some fun. Jack’ll never know. Haven’t you always wondered what it’d be like? I was your favorite first, right?” She shook her head adamantly, which only made her dizzier, as Jack appeared once again at the forefront of her mind. “What? No... I don’t want that.” Robin pushed at Matt’s hand again, and this time it moved swiftly from her leg, his face laced with an underlying emotion Robin’s drunken mind couldn’t settle on. Frustration? Maybe. Then Matt’s face softened, the faintest look of amusement in his eyes. Amusement and a touch of irritation. “Relax, you didn’t think I was actually going to do anything, did you, Ro? Jesus, it was just a joke, you’re more wasted than I thought.” He laughed again and Robin hesitated for a moment, confused yet relieved, and much too tired to do anything other than just go along with what Matt was saying. She let out a small laugh and nodded. “Yeah - yeah, totally…”
She fell back onto Matt’s bed then, letting out a laugh as the ridiculous idea of him trying anything with her for anything other than a joke set in. Of course it was a joke, Matt was like the brother Robin never had, he’d never do anything to mess that up. She felt herself sink into the softness of his mattress - a welcoming feeling to her inebriated mind and body. Robin stared up at the ceiling as the room spun around her, struggling to keep her eyes open as she felt Matt pushing hair out of her face. She laughed again, waving a hand in front of her face before it dropped onto the bed beside her.. “These pills are fucking crazy, I feel like I’m floating… Everything is spinning.” She rubbed at her face with her hand and shook her head lazily. “I think… Maybe I just need to rest for a minute before we go back downstairs, Matty.” She mumbled, closing her eyes as the interaction they’d just had quickly faded from her memory. Matt was talking again, but Robin wasn’t really hearing what he was saying. She kept fading in and out of consciousness, at one point hearing a voice saying her name, then feeling a tug at her clothes, and then once more with a heavy pressure pinning her down.
The next time she came to, everything was quiet and her body felt damp with sweat.
--
Robin woke up the next morning to the sound of a phone vibrating, the sensation of sheets sticking to her skin, and her head pounding so hard she nearly vomited. She laid still for a moment with her eyes closed, trying to control the nausea rising in her, before mustering the strength to sit up and look for her phone. It was only then that Robin realized she wasn’t in her room, or Jack’s - the only two places she ever ended up after a night out. She was in Matt’s room, in his bed in only her bra and underwear, her clothes discarded in a pile on the floor, with Matt asleep next to her, and absolutely no recollection of what happened the night before. That realization was enough to make her stomach lurch. Robin sat wrapped in Matt’s sheets for a second, trying to piece together any memory from the night before, when she heard the phone vibrating again. She leaned over the side of the bed for her clothes, finding her phone beneath them with a new message from Jack, and four before that.
00:43 hey u djehrbshag
missed call
01:23 ri knw ur pissed atme but tiqsll come dto mine tonight? i’ll make it up txo you ;)
01:51 i didn’t want to leave you, matt’s such a dickm. call me when yowu leave othe party
missed call
03:05 are you alive??? ie’m sorry rockin <3333
09:53 please just text me when you’re up x
So they’d had an argument and Jack left? Jack and Matt had gotten into it too? None of it explained how she’d ended up in Matt’s bed basically half naked. Shit.
Once Robin had her clothes on she nudged Matt awake, determined to get answers. He grumbled for a moment and turned over to look up at her. Before he had a chance to talk, she looked down at him. “What the fuck happened last night, Matt? Why did I sleep here? And my clothes? What the fuck?”
Matt looked up at Robin with an amused smile. “You don’t remember, Ro? You were plastered out of your mind last night.” He laughed and shook his head. “Jack was being a pussy and left the party, so we had a good time - you tried some pills and needed to rest so I brought you up here then went back down to the party. When I came back later you were passed out in bed with your clothes on the ground.” Matt shrugged with a small laugh. “I was pretty fucked too. Not a big deal, we had a great time.” Robin nodded slowly, her cheeks flushing at how stupid she had to have been to strip down to just her bra and underwear in her best friend’s bedroom. At least it was just Matt and not some creep. Still, there was a nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach. Had she ever done that before? A large part of her knew not, but she filed that away and chose to trust him. Why wouldn’t she? “Right, yeah… Of course.” He smirked and motioned to her phone. “What? Is Jacky feeling left out about missing it? You can tell him we had a great time without him.” She let out a small laugh and rolled her eyes, pushing away any of the weird feelings she was having and dismissing them as just embarrassment and a really shitty hangover. “Yeah, whatever.” Robin ruffled Matt’s hair. “Well I’m off then, time to face the wicked witch and explain my prolonged absence last night.” She walked towards the bedroom door but turned around with a smile. “Thanks for looking out for me last night, Matty.” He smiled and nodded. “Always, Robbie.”
Robin pulled out her phone to text Jack as she closed the front door behind her.
Sorry, alive and hungover. Let’s just forget about last night. Can I come round later? Have to fight off mum now x
Jack shook his head, smiling the best he could at her. “Nah, impossible, you always look great.” He didn’t move his eyes from hers despite the guilt that was stuck in his chest. Normally he wouldn’t dare stare into those eyes that only intensified his guilt, but now he could count the hours where he’d get the luxury of her eyes.
As she spoke, he turned the following thought over and over in his head: I hate myself. Many people could say that in passing and not really mean it, but it was one of the things he was sure of. It had been something that had bubbled up in him over his whole life and what might have been a whisper in his childhood, was now a full scream in his head. I. HATE. MYSELF. What he did last night to Robin were the actions of someone who hated themselves. Why turn up at her house and start all this shit again? She would’ve been happier if he went and she stayed with Leo. Her saying ‘I love you’ hurt him in ways he never could imagine before this conversation. How could anyone love someone who was full of hate for himself?
The silence leered with memories of Jack and Robin. Times when he could have been a better person, times where he could have stopped everything that happened. He should’ve stayed with her after Hazel, he should’ve said ‘I love you’, he should’ve said he needed her, he should’ve, he should’ve.
“Sorry, you just - come in,” He tore his eyes away from hers to let her in properly. It gave him a moment to pretend his eyes went filling with tears. Everything was too late. Maybe Robin didn’t know it was too late though, because after he shut the door, she kept saying things that hurt him. She ended things with Leo. That was all his fault again.
He wiped at his eyes before turning back to stare at her. His eyes followed her hand and she still had that fucking necklace on. He shook his head at everything she was saying, but he didn’t have the heart to verbalise that she should stop. A part of him still wanted to hear it anyway, even if he didn’t deserve it, he had always wanted to hear Robin talk like this about him. “I...” She was crying now and the gap between them wasn’t that big; he could wipe them away, he could kiss her forehead, he could hug her forever, but he shouldn’t. He stayed where he stood, as she told him he could never lose her.
He had already lost her.
“I love you, Robin.” Well, if he had already lost her then what was the point in hiding all these feelings that he had been too scared to say out loud before? This was the beginning of the end and when you know things are ending, you get a little braver. “Truthfully I do. I love you so much and I probably loved you before you even loved me. I never stopped…” He breathed deeply, steadying himself against the door he had closed before. “And I need you to know, you and Hazel are the only people I care about. See, I’ve always hated myself, you know, and I thought that meant I couldn’t love people in the same way others could, but now I know… I just… all the love I was supposed to have for myself, I gave to you and then to Hazel. I hate that I never said this sooner, because,” He finally looked away from her, staring at the floor instead. “Because it’s too late now. You’re making it really hard, but we can’t and I promise you’ll know why soon enough and you’ll be glad I’ve gone.”
Robin wordlessly stepped into Jack’s flat, wading through the words and feelings that had just escaped her and were now left puddled invisibly at their feet. It felt odd - as if a weight that she had been carrying around for years had been lifted, one that she’d been carrying even longer than her and Jack had actually been together; and yet, it was the heaviness of Jack’s silence that remained now, making her feel even more weighed down than before. Maybe Leo was right, and she’d just unlocked her scared and timid heart in vain. She lifted her hands to her eyes and rubbed at them, preparing herself for the worst.
But then he said it back.
Robin’s hands dropped to her sides as she stared at Jack in shock for a moment. Years and years of holding back how deeply she loved him for fear of him not returning those feelings, yet here he was, saying everything she’d ever wanted to hear from him and more. Tears were ever present in Robin’s eyes, not taking them off of Jack the entire time he spoke. “Jacky…” She murmured, shaking her head at his words. She wanted to hug him, to wipe his tears away and kiss his cheek, to tell him that all the love that he’d starved himself of all this time had been constantly replenished by her love for him, by Hazel’s love for him. He’d always be surrounded by their love. “I never stopped either,” She added lamely instead.
Her mind was racing with thoughts of where to go from here - what did two people, who had loved each other for the better half of a decade, do once they had allowed themselves to fully acknowledge the feelings they’d hidden from each other for so long? She didn’t have a chance to find the answer, because as quickly as Jack had opened up to her, he was shutting down again. This time though, it felt different.
She wanted to be angry, she wanted to scream at Jack for roping her back into all of this, for making her bare her already thoroughly bandaged heart to him only for it to be shattered again and again. But it was like she’d suddenly become her 7 year old self again, paralyzed by her father leaving - she couldn’t scream, she couldn’t yell, all she could do was stare at him with misted over eyes and mumble a sad, “what?” Robin shook her head and let out a half laugh that she hated nearly sounded like a sob, then turned from him. She wanted to rest her eyes on anything other than Jack at that moment, but it was his flat, and everything here was Jack - the old playstation they’d all played together in college, the ikea cabinet she’d helped him build when he moved back home, the nice leather wallet he carried and the photo of Hazel that he kept in it, now laying to the side. It was a small polaroid that Robin had taken on her first birthday and slipped into Jack’s father’s day card a month later. She got a sinking feeling at the sight of it and picked it up before turning back to Jack, his use of the word “gone” now at the forefront of her mind. “Gone? Where the fuck are you going? You can’t leave, Hazel needs you... I need you.” She held up the photograph, “it’s not too late, Jacky. I’m here. We’re here. Just talk to me,” Robin had started crying again without even realizing it and dropped the photo back onto the table. “Because right now you’re being so... so fucking cryptic and it’s scaring me. What’s going on?”
Jack felt like shit when he woke up. He washed the horrible taste in his mouth of regret and alcohol with more alcohol. Lying back on his bed, he laughed without humour at what he had done the night before. He spoke like he had been someone ready to change his life around for Robin, but here he was swilling alcohol around his mouth.
No, no, not today.
Today he was going to get up, he was going to brush his teeth and use actual mouthwash, he was going to have a shower, he was going to shave, he was going to apply aftershave, he was going to wear his favourite black turtleneck and trousers, wear his most expensive watch as gifted by his Dad, he was going to kiss the photo he had of Hazel in his wallet and he was going to go to the police station and do what he needed to do. Robin didn’t appear in this series of events, but she was living to every step, breathing life into him making the most sensible decision of his life. He couldn’t have her after everything and so he had to do this, because this life… it wasn’t worth the lying, the guilt, the shit feeling that tingled in his whole body, because it was only worth it with her by his side.
He got to kissing Hazel when there was a knock at the door. He hadn’t prepared for someone coming to see him. It was probably Leo or Evie or Sofia, there was a long list of people he had pissed off. It would only be a slight detour in his plan.
Opening the door and seeing her standing there, looking as shit as he felt made him feel worse, but, of course, Robin would be here. Of course, she would be the one showing up. Even though he had pissed off the others, nobody cared, Robin was the only one who cared. And that made him like a piece of shit on his shoe. It was a reminder that he was doing the right thing.
“I actually thought I looked okay,” He said, knowing that a shower and fresh clothes couldn’t clear the guilt that was eating at his mental health. He stared at her for the longest time before attempting to answer her. He should tell her he didn’t remember. He should tell her he did remember, but he didn’t mean a word of it. He felt the opposite of love for her. He never wanted to see her again. He looked away from her, blinking rapidly, because for some reason he felt like crying. “Yeah… yeah, I do and I’m sorry. You and Leo didn’t deserve that. Just forget about it, about me.”
Robin grimaced in embarrassment and shook her head. “You do, you look great. I on the other hand...” She let the sentence trail as her eyes remained locked with Jack’s. Maybe this was it, the moment Leo promised her the night before. The moment where Jack would open his mouth and say no, I don’t remember the night before, or no, I mean I do remember it, but it didn’t actually mean anything. She braced herself for that and what it would mean for her as they remained separated by just the jamb of the door.
Finally, Jack spoke, and it was a different answer than either of the ones she’d expected. It didn’t make her feel any better though.
Robin shook her head slightly with a knowing look. “You know I can’t do that, Jacky.” Robin looked down at the space on the ground between their feet. “Leo may not have deserved it, but he needed to know. You only said the thing I’ve been too scared to admit since the memorial, and well before that.” She looked back up at him hesitantly. “I love you, Jack.” Robin paused for just a second, she had never said it first, even though there were countless times she wanted to and could have, yet for whatever reason, today was different. She was tired of being too scared to speak what she felt for Jack, as that’s how they ended up in this fucked situation in the first place. Maybe if she’d been brave enough to tell Jack how deeply she felt about him in college - how she felt he understood her better than anyone else, how safe she felt in their friendship, how the moments they spent alone together even before they were actually together were perhaps more sacred to her than any of her memories of their friend group. But here she was now, finally saying it first after years of keeping that option locked away. Would it be too late?
“I ended things with Leo after you left. And it’s not your fault, or really even because of what you said last night. I think it would have happened eventually anyway.” She shook her head and ran a hand through her hair. “I just don’t think my heart was ever really in it. Not for the right reasons, at least. And that’s unfair to everyone.” Robin could feel her hand fiddling with the necklace around her neck. Jack’s necklace. The piece of him that she had always kept closest to her. “Leo is kind and stable and one of my best friends. But I don’t love him the way that I’ve always loved you, and I could never love him in that way.” She shrugged. “I don’t think I can love anyone else like I do you, except for Hazel.” Robin’s eyes felt teary suddenly and she knew she should keep herself from crying, to protect her dignity in front of Jack, who now had the power to destroy her in a second if he really wanted to. But still, she allowed the tears to fall, only wiping them away once they hit her cheek. “Anyway,” She started, looking back at Jack. “I knew I needed to come and tell you that you haven’t lost me like you said you had last night. You could never lose me, Jack. I’ll always be here. I was a stubborn idiot for ever trying to prove otherwise.”
The moan from Robin was enough to confirm Jack was actually doing it right, but she went a step further and told him out loud. He had never heard his name said with such delight and he didn’t think it had ever sounded as good as it did in this moment from Robin’s mouth. As soon as he realised that, he tried to push that thought away, because he would just want to hear his name like that again and again. He had an obsessive personality and this was a slippery slope.
At the agreement to sex, Jack probably needed someone to pinch him, because now Robin was just in her bra and it never occured to him previously that whenever him and Matt had rated girls’ racks that the most appealing to him would be their best friend, but here he was. “Uh… Yeah,” He looked around in a panic, as if she might change her mind at any moment. He grabbed at his coat and laid it on the floor in a makeshift manner. “This is basically high-end camping - it’s luxury.” He moved his arm dramatically to showcase the coat and gesturing for her to lie down first. And then he wanted her in all the physical ways she was offering herself up to him now. He wanted it all.
–
He removed his condom and threw it into the woods, but he didn’t speak until he felt he got his breath back, he turned to Robin, who was already pulling her jeans up again, and nodded with a smile. “So, uh…” He scratched the back of his head. “That seemed like a successful experiment, right?” He started pulling his own jeans back up and then realised he shouldn’t have said it like that. “I mean, it was successful for me… was it - was it satisfactory for you?”
Robin was brought out of the moment for just a second, letting out a laugh as Jack looked around frantically. She flashed him an amused smile and narrowed her eyes in mock-critique. “Quite the romantic, Carter. I guess it’s like a room with a view, if you close both your eyes and let your imagination take over.” She laid down on the coat Jack just placed on the ground, pulling down on her jeans then watching as he moved to join her.
-
Robin laid back on the coat for a moment as she caught her breath, looking up at the dark shadows of the trees with a faint bemused smile on her face. At the sound of Jack tossing the condom, she began pulling up on her jeans and sat up. She was readjusting her bra as Jack turned to her with a smile that she returned. “Yeah, it was really good... Though I could have done without the rocks and sticks in my back.” She laughed softly and reached for her earlier discarded sweater to pull over her head. “You know,” She started, pulling her hair out from the neck of the sweater and looking to Jack with a casual shrug. “Since it was successful for us both... I feel like it’s only fair to give it another chance, without the extra guests.” Robin picked up a twig and pointed it at Jack with a smirk. “It’s not like anyone has to know, right?”
Robin stood outside Jack’s building, smoking a cigarette she’d bummed off of Charlie in an attempt to calm her nerves before she gained enough courage to go inside and speak to him about last night. She tilted her head back and let out a puff of smoke, rolling her eyes at herself for giving into this gross habit she gave up years ago, now twice in the last week, and both times over men. It definitely wasn’t the first time she’d smoked from stress over her relationship with Jack, but she hoped it would be the last - that whatever she told him a few minutes from now would be faced with the same enthusiasm he’d shown her last night, and the night of the memorial. She took one last drag of her cigarette, blowing the smoke out slowly just to put off having to face him for a few seconds longer. Finally, she stamped it out and headed inside.
Once Robin reached the door to Jack’s flat, she hesitated, Leo’s words from the night before echoing in her mind.
He only wants you because he can’t have you.
Well, now was the time to see if he was right or not, so she knocked.
“Hey,” She started once Jack opened the door, his disheveled appearance resembling her own - two people who had been up all night, their heads filled with nothing but each other. “You look awful,” She joked half-heartedly at the irony, as she could smell the stench of cigarette smoke on her hair, with her eyes tired and slightly bloodshot from tears and lack of sleep. “So... We need to talk. Do you remember anything from last night?”
Jane playfully rolled her eyes when Robin suggested things with Jack were done for good. She had heard that one before. Jack was Robin’s broken record, screeching through the house constantly since Jane could remember. “Is it really ever over though?” Jane said airily, suggesting that she knew this was bullshit. Her eyes gently fell below Robin’s neck where she still wore that stupid necklace Jack gave her. When she was younger and her and Jack were always ‘on-again, off-again’ that was the way Robin wanted people to silently pick up on her relationship status. What did it mean now? She sniggered, returning her eyes to Robin’s and played on the fact that it had only been since Saturday. “So less than a week? I’ll start looking around for a bridesmaid dress soon then.”
Jane shrugged, clearly able to see why Evie would have such an issue with Robin, because didn’t girls always hate Robin for similar reasons? Was she just that oblivious? “Evie’s always hated you though because you’re close to Matt so obviously she would think it’s you.” Jane really wasn’t surprised by the cheating news, like this was Matt? He had managed to keep his squeaky clean reputation despite all the drugs and other shit he did, he could keep all that shit hidden. She took a mouthful of biscuits, continuing to talk through the crumbs. “Maybe I should ask Evie to show me the cardigan. I swear it’ll take me two seconds to figure out what’s taken her weeks.” She was speaking with a light air, but she was actually positive blowing up the cheating scandal would keep the police busy thinking Evie is a suspect and weren’t partners always the first suspects in these sort of cases rather than drug dealers? JJ might be safe for a little while longer and it meant Jane could stay safe too.
But Jane brought herself out of The Fear to see how affected by this Robin was. God, she wanted to kick herself for trying to think of ways to escape being embroiled in Matt’s murder, when what Robin was already going through it with something much worse - grief. She put her tea down and moved to sit next to Robin, wrapping an arm around her. “She’ll find out what the cardigan means and maybe the answer will tell us everything Matt would have been able to say anyway… But if you know nothing about it, then how big of a deal can this fucking cardigan be anyway. You wer- you’re his best friend. He would’ve told you, right?”
Robin’s jaw tensed slightly at Jane’s chiding, because she refused to believe her little sister was right and that this wasn’t the last time, because of everyone - Jane knew Robin’s relationship with Jack the best, she’d lived it alongside her. As she opened her mouth to defend herself, she noticed Jane’s eyes dip to her necklace and Robin rolled her eyes then narrowed them slightly. “Oh fuck off, it’s just a necklace. It doesn’t mean anything. Besides,” She started, moving her hand to fidget with the small gold moon around her neck. “He’s Hazel’s Dad, so that still means something. But that’s all it means.” Robin groaned and gently kicked Jane from the opposite end of the sofa. “I thought you’d be happy to hear I was with Leo anyway, wasn’t it always you who said he’d be a better boyfriend than Jack?”
She shrugged dismissively and shook her head, knowing Jane was right. “I guess, but Matt was a brother to me, it’s gross to think anyone would think differently. And I wouldn’t ruin someone else’s relationship like that, even if I can’t stand Evie... I’m not heartless.” Robin put a biscuit in her mouth to punctuate her thought, rolling her eyes at Jane. She paused though, and ultimately shrugged. “That might be a good idea, J... It would probably help Evie a bit to at least know whose it was, so she could settle this for good. I don’t know how easy it would be though, it already looked like Evie used it as her ashtray before she brought it here... I can’t imagine what she’s done to it now.”
Robin closed her eyes as she felt Jane’s arm wrap around her. She nodded silently and rested her head on her sister’s shoulder with a sigh. “I thought so, but now I don’t know anymore.” She sat up once more and shook her head, rubbing at her eyes. “Matt was always so good at hiding things, but I always knew the secrets, like I had my own backstage pass to his life or something. But now I don’t know if I really did or not.” Robin’s voice quivered slightly and she closed her eyes once more to keep her composure. “Evie said I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did, and maybe she’s right.” She opened her eyes and glanced at the stack of photos that Evie left, now curling at the ends from the water she’d poured on them. Robin reached forward to pick the stack up, flipping through them. “All of these memories happened because of Matt, and now that he’s gone it feels like everything is falling apart.” She tossed the photos back onto the table and sat back with a shaky sigh, “I just wish I had answers for what happened... I wish things could be like they used to be.”
Charlie could not nod harder in agreement at Robin’s statement of a child being attracted to another child. “I think I got a bit too much even for Owen. He prefers someone he can have control over and I ended up being in control.” She didn’t want to reference Amelia again. It didn’t feel right after everything that had happened. “Thanks, Robin, I think break ups look good on me anyway,” It was nice to have Robin acknowledge that break ups were awful, even if Charlie never acknowledged that out loud herself.
They both laughed and Charlie put a hand over her mouth. “Was I too harsh? I need to work on that, but you can totally do the same on me.” Charlie gave a stern shake of her head, but made it very clear it was out of love by pairing it with a sympathetic smile. “Leo pulled himself into this and he pulled himself out of it. Come on, he must have had suspicions already about how you felt. I think the boy needs to move the fuck on instead of making his whole life about you. Trust me, this will end up being more of a blessing for him a year or two down the line.”
Charlie shrugged with a look of interest on her face. “So you’re saying hard drugs then? I’m in.” She cleared her throat as she took her time to provide an answer. “Well, there’s actually a study on that where they’ve said the only way to women’s lives being fucked up is by eradicating men completely.”
Yes, yes, Charlie was well aware she was going to fuck the situation all up, but how fun and glorious it was to just sit back and eat popcorn whilst everyone else freaked out over this stuff. She leaned in conspiratorially, “JJ saw Matt that night. There is evidence to show they got into a fight, but they’re all trying to cover that up before the police find it. He doesn’t even have an alibi.” She paused, understanding the concern Robin would immediately feel for Jane in this situation. “I’m assuming Jane hasn’t told you anything about it and if I was still with Owen I wouldn’t be saying anything, but I’m out.”
Robin raised her glass playfully and took another sip before clearing her throat pointedly. “So,” She started, raising her eyebrows curiously. “Any exciting plans now that you’re free woman? I know there must be several guys in this village who will be lined up to have a chance with the Charlie Hopper. Please let me live vicariously through you.” Being 19 and single with endless prospects and opportunities should have been what Robin experienced when she left for Uni, but now that ship had long sailed and the best she had was Charlie’s gossip and the sickening butterflies in her stomach every time she thought of Jack.
Robin laughed and shook her head, scrunching up her nose. “Maybe slightly, but honestly I could have used that rude awakening a lot sooner. Where were you five years ago?” She traced her finger along the base of the glass as Charlie spoke, grateful for her words - Charlie was blunt and didn’t mince words, so Robin knew she could trust her reassurances. Even if she still felt like absolute shit for how she treated Leo. “I hope so.” She took another sip of her mimosa and let out a half-hearted laugh. “It’ll probably take that long for him to even look at me again, anyway.”
She gave an enthusiastic nod as she laughed, though the thought slightly pained her. It felt like so much reminded her of Matt now, and how fucked up was it that the mention of drugs was near the top of that list? The thought transported her back to college and to the unhealthy relationship she had with drugs, one that she could now see was enabled by Matt. It hurt too much to think about at the moment, as it seemed to have been his downfall like it probably should have been hers, so she decided to stop thinking about it at all and focus back in on Charlie’s words instead, masking her feelings with a smirk. “At this point I’m surprised no one’s actually acted on that yet. How many of us could have been saved from years of endless bullshit?”
Robin’s smirk only lasted a second or two longer before Charlie’s next words brought Matt back to the forefront of her mind and her face fell. Drugs really did seem to be the downfall, it didn’t even really seem alleged now. “Fuck.” It was all she could say for a moment, as several conflicting thoughts spun together in her mind before she could extract each one individually. Matt... JJ... Jane. Her thoughts immediately shot back to the other day when Jane had come over, stepping carefully around anything to do with Matt. Robin just shook her head, trying to stand by her internal rule of not bridging Jane and Charlie but ultimately realizing it’d be impossible. “They... Being Owen, JJ, and my sister?” She was stoic for a moment, looking down at the glass she was gripping and swallowed the rest of her drink in one sip. “I had no idea... So you really think JJ did it, then?” She nodded slowly, trying to wrap her head around the idea that Jane might be tangled up in what happened to Matt. “What is the evidence?”
“You know,” She began, fidgeting with her now empty glass. “There’s more about Matt that I hadn’t told you yet.” She sighed, rubbing her forehead with her hand as she began to recount the same story for the fourth time. “Evie showed up unannounced Sunday morning accusing me of sleeping with Matt.” She laughed slightly, more in exasperation than humour. “She found a cardigan at their flat that wasn’t hers or Alice’s and she thought it must be mine. So it seems Matt must have been cheating on Evie before all of this, too.” Robin let out a heavy breath through her nose, resting her head in her hands as she whispered. “He’s such a dickhead for getting wrapped up in all of this.”
It was an instant comfort for the conversation’s focus to switch to Robin, because she didn’t quite know how longer she could deal with questions being asked of her without her spilling some sort of thing that would ruin everything with the plans to save JJ. And so she leaned into the news that Robin was providing, Jane naturally loved to gossip, but now she was showing a far keener interest in her sister’s life than she normally would. She pulled her tea from her mouth as she heard with word ‘Leo’ and she just hoped Robin didn’t notice the slight shake of her hand as she set the cup on the table.
“Leo? What things could you have with Leo? Isn’t it normally Jack?” His name had always caused great confusion between the two of them over what he actually wanted when it came to things with Robin, but Leo was always drama-free apart from being in love with Robin. She was excited to hear about anything that was non-murder case related. Anything to make her think the whole world wasn’t focused in on JJ, and therefore her. Her eyes widened further at the mention of Evie. Less so at how awful an experience that might have been for Robin, more for the fact that Evie thinking Matt was cheating on her could be helpful to ease suspicion on JJ. “What the fuck?” She gleefully asked, picking up her tea again. “Do you think it’s true? Not that you were banging Matt, because I’d like to think you have a little more taste than that… but someone else was? Too bad I didn’t see the sweater, because I have a brain for remembering what everyone has worn. I know all the fashion repeaters - fuck, she really should have asked me.”
Robin rolled her eyes slightly, more at herself than at her sister’s question. “No. Well - yeah. It is normally Jack, but not anymore.” She sat up straighter. “Things with Jack are done for good.” Robin spoke the words confidently, but they still felt odd leaving her mouth - and not just because she’d spoken those same words several times before with no real meaning to them. It felt like a lie leaving her mouth now, but then she would think of Leo and how stable he was, how important he was to her, and the voice in her head still clinging onto Jack would quieten. She took a sip of her tea and shrugged. “Um, yeah, so Leo and I are dating now. As of like, Saturday. So that’s been a bit of a change, I guess.” Why was she underplaying this? It so clearly made sense that they were together now, even Jack had said that... So why was she overthinking it? Why was her brain fighting it?
Robin nodded eagerly at Jane’s reaction to Evie’s bullshit. “I know, it’s fucking insane. She’s said a lot of shit to me throughout the years, but to think I’d ever cheat with Matt? He was a brother to me.” She thought about Jane’s question, it had been one she’d asked herself countless times since Sunday. “Well clearly it wasn’t me. But I don’t know... She had the cardigan, and swore it wasn’t Alice’s. And it definitely wasn’t Evie’s. I don’t know, J. Matt obviously wasn’t perfect, but cheating? He was in love with Evie. Even if I never really understood why, he was.” She rolled her eyes at Jane’s fixation on the cardigan, trying to remember what it looked like. “It was like a pastel blue I think? But by the time Evie had gotten to it, it was covered in cigarette burns and tears, so it was hard to tell anyway. Either way, it was definitely not something I’d wear, even if Evie so badly wanted to put that blame on me.” Robin took a sip of her tea and looked down. “If Matt was cheating, I hope for Evie’s sake that she can find out who it was. Could you imagine finding out a bombshell like that and then just never knowing what actually happened?” She grew quiet as she thought about Matt. This was the third time she’d retold this story, and each time it became more and more difficult to ignore the biggest truth in this - regardless of what actually happened, she just didn’t know Matt the way she thought she had. Robin sighed and traced her finger around her cup, before quietly adding, “I wish he was here... Then maybe he could fucking explain himself.”
Although what Robin said was incredibly alluring to Charlie and she had been planning how they would eventually end, it still felt like a routine that would be hard to break out of. It had been over a year of her and Owen and that wasn’t something she could forget. It was ironic to her that she was the one being called a heartless bitch when she was the one thinking about the end of them, whereas Owen was moving on. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. “Here, here,” She announced, raising her glass to the proposition. “I should definitely start a list of all the men who have been missing out on me and make their dreams come true.” She smiled to herself in self-congratulation. Taking a sip of her drink, she nodded her head slowly. “Your little babysitter? Surprisingly she managed to leave an impression on Owen. Poor thing, I’m sure it’ll go up in flames.” Her heart wasn’t in the scathing remark though, as the strange and unfamiliar feeling of guilt was still weighing on her after what Owen had said. Heartless, what? She wished she was.
“Why would you want to be honest with yourself though? Admit you couldn’t get over the guy who has been piss-poor with his communication, went on to live his successful life despite being your baby daddy and comes and goes as he pleases out of your life? Yeah, I would’ve tried hard to fall in love with the perfect Leo too.” She dramatically frowned with sympathy, patting Robin’s hand in comfort. “Well,” She rolled her eyes ever so slightly at the mention of Leo’s departing words. “I guess he speaks from experience, but… you’re the love of his fucking life apparently, so a pretty calm and steady reaction considering.” She removed her hand from Robin’s to drink more. “And even if it’s all fucked still at least you’ve learnt not to try and get with Leo. That’s a good lesson.”
Charlie genuinely smiled at Robin. She hoped it all turned out for the best for Robin and Jack, even if she had little faith in men and the stories of Jack always seemed to paint him as a painful idiot. Maybe this time was the time he learnt all his lessons too. “You’re not an idiot, he is… you’re just in…” She pretended to choke. “Ugh… love, but if it does go tits up then we can just consume many, many bottles of alcohol until we can’t remember our own names, let alone the fucking existence of men.”
At the question of the paper, Charlie eagerly raised her eyebrows. God, she had no idea how loaded a question that was, unless she knew even 10% of what her little sister was involved in. She was going to tread carefully with it, but then she remembered the glorious thing - she didn’t give a shit anymore. “Well, now that I’m out from under the thumb of Owen, I can now finally chase the story that I know will get me being a senior reporter before the year is up.” She paused for dramatic effect. “JJ did it.”
Robin smirked and held up her glass. “A toast to the new and improved Charlie Hopper. I’ll drink to that.” She took another sip of her mimosa and nearly choked. “No. That’s shit, Charlie. She’s sweet but... Ugh - you deserve a man, not a child interested in another child.” Robin raised her eyebrows and shrugged. “It sounds like you dodged a bullet, honestly... But I know that doesn’t make things any less shit. Break ups fucking suck.” She reached her hand out to squeeze Charlie’s. “But at least you know that you’re turning a new page, and out from under Owen’s thumb.”
She let out a laugh and buried her face in her hands, shaking her head. “Nothing solidifies my absolute shit taste in men and my horrible life decisions quite like the sentence that just left your mouth...” Robin groaned and looked back up at Charlie. “I just feel terrible about all of it. I was an idiot for pulling Leo into this and losing him as a friend because I was too stubborn to admit that I still loved Jack.”
Robin rolled her eyes at Charlie’s teases about being in love. Despite herself, she nodded with a grateful smile at Charlie. “I think at that point, I’ll need much more than alcohol.” A laugh escaped Robin and she rolled her eyes. “I’m sitting here talking about Owen as if once men get to their 20s they’re any better at decision-making or relationships. At what age do men just stop fucking up women’s lives?”
Robin saw a spark in Charlie’s eye at the mention of the paper, which brought a little smile to her face. It was a nice change of conversation from their own experiences with emotionally-stunted guys and turned towards more interesting topics. However, she felt her stomach turn slightly at the mention of JJ. Robin shook her head and held up a hand, almost in an attempt to steady herself. “Wait...” She paused for a second, realizing bringing Jane at least partially into this would be unavoidable - especially with the way she’d acted last time Robin saw her. “JJ? What makes you say that? Does this have anything to do with Owen getting arrested?”
Emily Wilson was 17 when she started dating Robbie Oliver. They met at college - Emily was shy and sheltered, and had never had a boyfriend, but Robbie was charming and stubborn and persistent in convincing her to give him a chance. He was one of the popular boys at school, confident and charismatic, so she was instantly taken by him. Ignoring the warnings of her friends about Robbie’s true intentions and the whispers at school about his wild side, Emily allowed herself to get caught up in the whirlwind of promises and attention that Robbie showed her. The more time passed, the more she fell in love with him and the more confident she felt in him and their relationship.
Emily was freshly 18 and a little under a year into her relationship with Robbie when she found out she was pregnant. She had never thought much about being a Mum, but now that it was happening with Robbie, it felt like the most logical step in their relationship - to become a family. He, however, had reservations.
“A baby? Shit, Emily. Parents... Really? Are we ready for that? What about University?”
She’d already thought of that, of course, and offered a hesitant smile. “Well, I was thinking I could take some time away from school... That way, I could move with you to Uni, so you’d go to classes and I could stay home with the baby. I’ll work until it’s born so we can have some money saved up. I can always go back to school in a few years when it’s older.”
Emily watched cautiously as Robbie fell silent, pensive, rubbing his face with his hands. “But we’ll need space for the baby… And help… Birmingham is far from here, what if something happens when we’re so far from home? Wouldn’t your family want us closer?”
“I’m sure we can find a flat or something in Birmingham. We’ll be each other’s home. We love each other and we’ll love this baby. Everything else will fall into place.” She held her breath as she watched Robbie, and finally, he sighed and looked up at her. “Okay, I guess... Okay, we’re going to be parents. A baby. Shit, Em…” Emily thought she caught a slight deflation in Robbie and he shook his head. “Okay. Uh, if you really think we can do this, then we should do it the right way. Our parents will want us married before we do anything else.”
Emily nodded, throwing her arms around Robbie and kissing him, choosing to ignore how rigid he felt in her arms, and instead imagining the family that they were becoming.
They were married by Summer and moved into a cramped and dated flat in Birmingham by Fall. Emily began a job as a waitress at a restaurant near the city centre, and Robbie began classes for his first semester of University.
Emily was a few months shy of 19 when she became a mother. She’d spent a large portion of the labour by herself - Robbie had been in an exam when the contractions started, and didn’t arrive until right before their daughter, Robin, was born. She had dark hair, like her dad.
“We could always call her Robbie,” She mused, looking over at Robbie, who was stiffly holding their daughter. “Yeah,” He said, looking up at Emily with a smile. “Just like her dad.” He looked back down at the baby in his arms then glanced to the clock, standing up as quickly as he could without disturbing her. “I’ve got to go, Em. I have another exam in 30 minutes. Just one more tomorrow and then it’ll be done. Promise.” Emily nodded disappointedly, but quickly turned her attention back to her daughter and the small whistling noise leaving her tiny nose as she slept. “My sweet Robin’s egg. My very own little handheld Robbie.” She smiled sadly and kissed the baby’s head.
Robin was 4 months old when Robbie stumbled into the flat one night, absolutely plastered. Emily had fallen asleep on the couch with her in an attempt to stop her cries, but woke up in a pitch black room to the sound of whispered swears and fumbling around. “Robbie? Where have you been?” He mumbled something about a small party. “S’not a big deal... Going to sleep.” She watched as he staggered into the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed without doing so much as changing.
Emily slept on the couch that night.
Emily was 20, exhausted, lonely, and constantly haunted by the lingering smell of baby powder. It felt like Robbie was never around, he was either working late or when he was home, he was sleeping or studying. She’d lost touch with most of her friends back home after moving and having a baby, and had no time or energy to go out and make new ones.
Motherhood was nothing like she’d expected. This family didn’t even feel like a family at all.
Robin was 18 months old when Robbie got kicked out of University and they were forced to move back to Spenningdale. She sat in her carseat, babbling to herself as her Dad grumbled to himself and her Mum stared out the passenger window, secretly grateful that they were going home. Birmingham had been bad for Robbie. His first semester of school had been great - he’d been diligent with classes, aced every exam, and seemed to have made some friends in his classes. After Robin was born though, everything began going downhill. Robbie stayed out more, always telling Emily he was going to study, but would then crawl into bed after midnight smelling of booze and cigarettes. In those moments, she thought back to the whispers at college, the jokes and rumours of Robbie Oliver’s antics, the warnings she’d ignored until they were presented on a tray to her, every weekday evening and sometimes as early as noon on the weekends. His getting kicked out felt like a blessing, like a fresh start for them as a family. He’d find a job, she would have her family close by to help with Robin, and they could focus on each other and their daughter.
Everything fell apart in Spenningdale.
Emily was 21 the first time she admitted her resentment for the life she was living. She was sitting on her parents’ couch with Robin playing at her feet as her Mum made dinner in the kitchen. “I could have been so much more - I could have seen so much more and done so much more…” “What darling?” Her Mum called from the kitchen. Emily sighed, looking down at Robin who was talking to herself as she played with the ring stack on the floor. She frowned slightly and shook her head. “Nothing.”
Robin was 4 when the shouting started. It would always happen at night when she was in bed, hugging her stuffed bunny close and staring up at the ceiling in fear. It started as arguments over the cleaning and washing up, until it felt to Emily like everything was crumbling around her. Robbie was never around to help around the house or to help feed Robin, or give her a bath, or put her to sleep. He got to be the fun parent, who came home late from work and played tickle monster or hide and seek, whilst Emily did the washing up and made sure Robin was properly taken care of. She wasn’t allowed the luxury of being the fun parent. She had to be the caretaker, the disciplinarian, the bill-payer, the maid, all after getting off of work and picking Robin up from daycare.
Emily was 23 when she found out she was pregnant again. She’d locked herself in the toilets at work and sat on the floor with her knees pulled to her chest, sobbing. She and Robbie rarely even kissed anymore, let alone slept together. But one night he’d come home from the pub smelling of liquor and slid into bed, kissing her neck and whispering how beautiful she was. She’d felt invisible to him until that moment, and felt a raw desperation deep inside her, aching for his attention. Now, as she sat on the cold tile floor thinking back to that night, she felt like she was going to be sick.
Robin was 5 when she became a big sister. She was placed in her Mum’s lap by her Dad, as her baby sister was balanced in her arms. “Robbie, this is your little sister, Jane.” Emily smiled down at her two little girls, as Robin took Jane’s little hand in hers and gently shook it around. “I love her, Mummy.” Emily looked down at Robin with a smile and then over at Robbie, but it faltered as she saw him sitting in the chair in the corner of the room, fiddling with the telly remote.
Emily was 24 when she began suspecting that Robbie was having an affair. He was spending less and less time at home, and even less time with the girls, then would slide into bed past midnight carrying the softest aroma of women’s perfume. She was always awake when he got home, rolling over onto her side right before he walked into the bedroom, waiting until she heard snores before rolling onto her back again to stare up at the ceiling. These were the moments she found herself questioning how she ended up in a loveless marriage with two daughters, feeling completely alone before she’d even reached her mid-twenties. These were the nights she allowed herself to cry, to mourn the naive girl she had been and the interesting woman she would never get to be, because Robbie Oliver had stolen that chance from her. Her daughters had stolen that chance from her. She’d stolen that chance from herself.
Robin was 7 when her dad left. There was screaming and a slammed door followed by deafening silence and then Jane’s cries. Her Mum was on the sofa when she crept downstairs. “Mum, where’s dad gone?” Emily didn’t look up from the spot she was staring at on the front door. “He left.” Robin’s head tilted and she followed her Mum’s gaze to the front door. “Left? But he didn’t say bye to me or Jane.” Silent tears were angrily streaking down Emily’s cheeks. How could she tell her daughter, Robbie Oliver’s biggest fan, his namesake, that he was gone and wouldn’t be coming back? She couldn’t answer that, she didn’t have an answer. But she knew she couldn’t bear to see Robin’s face at the moment. “Go to your room, Robin.” Her full name felt foreign leaving Emily’s mouth. She’d called Robin, Robbie for as long as she could remember, but now that version of herself, that Mum that she had been, couldn't exist anymore. Not when everything about Robin reminded Emily of Robbie. Not when everything about her daughter reminded her of every bad decision she’d made to end up right where she was now - miserable and alone. She finally pulled her wet eyes from their spot on the door, to find Robin no longer standing there. Jane was still crying though, so Emily stood wearily and moved up the stairs towards her nursery.
Her illusion of their happy family had shattered, and all that was left now was the harsh reality - a screaming toddler, an inquisitive 7 year old, an exhausted mother, and the incessant smell of baby powder.
Robin was 8 when she realized her dad wasn’t coming home. She was playing outside with Matt in his garden, creating imaginary scenarios where they were pirates searching for hidden treasure, prince and princess ruling over a kingdom, or superheroes trying to save the city from attack. Robin paused when the back door opened and Matt’s dad stepped out, whistling to himself as he watered some of the plants in the garden. She watched him for a moment longer before turning back to Matt, who hadn’t even blinked an eye at his dad’s presence.
“Has your dad ever left, Matty? Like for a long time?” He looked up at her in confusion and laughed. “He goes to work everyday, but anytime he leaves to go somewhere, like on holiday, we always go with him. Except for when Alice was born. Mum and Dad left me with Nan, but he came back to bring me to see her.” Robin nodded solemnly. Her dad had never taken their family on holiday, even when it’d felt like he hadn’t been home for two or three days at a time, like he might be lounging on the beach himself. After the first month of her Dad being away, Robin learnt to stop asking her Mum when he’d be back. Whether it was at dinner as Robin pushed around the peas on her plate, and Jane sat in her high chair smacking the tray whilst Mum cut up food for her, or in the mornings on the way to school - the answer was always the same. “Your Dad chose to leave, and he’ll choose if he wants to come back.”
It was in that moment, glancing back at Matt’s dad smiling over at them and chuckling, that Robin realized her Dad must not want to come back.
Robin was 10 when she fully understood the power of escaping. Whether it was in the games she’d play with Matt, Jack and Leo after school, or full-fledged daydreams she’d create on the quiet rides to school, or the books she read in her room at night when she was meant to be sleeping. These worlds she’d create, she allowed herself to get lost in, because they felt better, happier, more reliable, than the one she actually lived in. In these daydreams, her dad never left their family - he took them on holiday, he came home from work early every evening and played tickle monster or hide and seek with them. In these daydreams, her Mum was happy and gave hugs and kisses and answered questions and asked about school. In these daydreams, Robin didn’t get an ache in her stomach when someone referred to her as Robbie. But eventually, these dreams couldn’t sustain Robin’s need to be anyone other than who she was, or to go anywhere other than where she was, with anyone other than her Mum and baby sister. Soon, the books she read and the games she made up with her friends weren’t enough.
Robin was 12 when she tried alcohol for the first time. She coughed and gagged slightly the moment the vodka Matt snuck from his parents’ liquor cabinet hit the back of her throat. They passed the bottle between the four of them - Matt, then Robin, then Leo, then Jack and back to Matt again, until a third of the bottle was gone and they couldn’t stop giggling, sprawled on the floor staring up at the ceiling. She felt free in that moment, as if all of her sadness seeped out with each passing giggle.
Robin was 13 when she snuck out for the first time. She slipped out the front door and ran to the road, where Matt, Jack, and Leo were waiting for her. When she returned late that night, creeping through the front door, she was startled by her Mum, sitting in the warm dim glow of the living room lamp. She froze, expecting her Mum to be livid, to scream at her about sneaking out. She didn’t scream though, and she wasn’t livid. Instead, she stood to hug Robin as soon as they made eye contact. Robin remained rigid in her Mum’s arms, not used to this sudden softness. “I’m so glad you’re home safe. Please don’t scare me like that, again.” She sank into her Mum’s touch for a moment and nodded. It was the warmest her Mum had been since her Dad left. “I’m really tired, Mum…” Robin pulled away then, suddenly uncomfortable in her own Mum’s touch, and walked up the stairs to her room, without another word.
She snuck out again the next weekend.
Robin was 14 when she lost her virginity. Her Mum had never talked to her about sex, or what to expect. In fact, her Mum didn’t talk to her about anything much at all. As she’d gotten older though, she’d figured out that she had been an accident - it didn’t take much to work that out. Her Mum was 18, only a few years older than her when she was born, so Robin knew what to do to keep the same thing from happening to her. Everything she knew about sex, she’d learnt from discussions with Matt, Jack, and Leo, or from porn and movies and books and the internet. It happened at a party, with a boy called Adam who was in her Biology class. It didn’t last very long and didn’t feel great, but she liked that it made her feel wanted, important. Like for a moment in time, Robin was the most important person to the person she was with, and that was a feeling she wanted to maintain.
Robin was 15 when she came home to her Mum, sat at the kitchen table, a half empty bottle of vodka, a crumpled pack of cigarettes, a small plastic container of weed, and some pills Matt had shared with Robin spread in front of her. “I was cleaning the house this afternoon, and found all of this in your room. For the love of God, Robin -” “It’s nothing, Mum… Everyone at school does it -” “It is a big deal, Robin. What is your goal with all of this? Do you think the more rebellious you are, the more you act like your deadbeat father did, that somehow he’ll come back into our lives? If he wanted to be here, he would. If he wanted to see you, he would. But he’s not here, is he? So what is this all for?” Robin froze at the mention of her Dad, it was the first time her Mum had spoken of him since she last asked about him when she was 8. Emily shook her head in disgust and threw her hands up in frustration. “What do you want from me, Robin? Why do you do everything in your power to make it so… So goddamn difficult to love you.”
Robin could feel her bottom lip quivering as tears threatened to pool over. How could she explain that these were the things that comforted her, that helped her numb the pain in the pit of her stomach that had settled there since her Dad walked out on her? That helped her escape this dysfunctional life she’d been born into. She couldn’t, so she deflected instead. She bit the inside of her mouth until she could feel it bleed before she finally spoke. “I hate you. I hate it here. I hate that you pushed Dad away and that you have to make me miserable because you’re bitter that you’re alone. I hate that nothing I do is ever good enough for you. Fuck. I make good grades, I have best friends, I’m a good sister. But it doesn’t fucking matter, does it? I’ll always remind you of him, so nothing I do will ever matter to you.” Robin stepped away from the table and turned toward the stairs as tears fully escaped her eyes. “Throw the fucking drugs away and pour the vodka down the sink. I don’t fucking care anymore. None of it makes living in this Hell hole any easier.”
This was the conversation that broke Robin - that sent her down a spiral of self-destructive rebellion and perpetually burying her feelings. If her own mother couldn’t understand her deep-rooted pain, the abandonment she felt by her Dad leaving, the gap it left in her life, why should she pretend to be the perfect child her Mum wanted? She had Jane for that.
It was then that Robin decided that University would be her way out, so she never had to see Spenningdale again. She would focus on school and getting good marks, and could just use alcohol and weed and the pills Matt gave her to numb everything else until she could actually escape.
Robin was 16 the first time she didn’t come home at all after a party. She walked through the front door the next morning as her Mum and Jane sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast. Robin walked past them toward the stairs as her Mum’s gaze bore holes into her. “Robin Oliver, get back here. Now.” Robin rolled her eyes, still slightly buzzed from the night before. “Where the hell have you been?” “I slept over at Matt’s, it’s not a big deal.” “You can’t just disappear without telling me, Robin. What if something had happened to you? You’re being reckless. It’s going to get you killed.” Emily was shouting and Robin just narrowed her eyes. “Please. Stop acting like you’d miss me if I was gone. Just admit it, you wish that you never had to deal with me again - you hate how much I’m like Dad. It drives you fucking crazy that I loved him and he loved me. God, no wonder he left, he was probably fed up with all of this bullshit.” She threw her arms up in the air as her shout nearly matched her Mum’s, and she held her stare until Emily looked away. “Go to your room,” Her Mum said sternly. Robin rolled her eyes. “Yeah, whatever.” A door slammed from upstairs and Emily sat back down across from Jane at the kitchen table, picking up her half-eaten toast without another word.
Robin was 17 when she first felt envious of Jane. Until that point, Jane had felt like her partner in crime - anything they faced at home, they’d faced together. She always wanted to be the person her little sister could come to if she needed advice or wanted to vent or had gossip to share. Now, Robin sat silently at the dinner table, still high from a brownie she’d shared with Jack earlier that evening, pushing the food around on her plate and waiting until her Mum was satisfied enough with this self-indulgent display of “family time” to dismiss them from the table. She was watching Jane quietly, observing her lovingly interact with their Mum as she shared details from her day and retold a joke she’d heard at school. It was then that it hit Robin - they had not had the same upbringing - not really, anyway. Jane had the ability to remain so effortlessly untouched by their father’s absence, and was placed on a pedestal by their Mum because of that. Jane didn’t remind their Mum of their Dad, because Jane couldn’t remember a time before he was out of their lives. With Jane, their Mum could pretend that part of her life never happened, whilst Robin was the big, disappointing, reminder - she had his eyes, his hair, his laugh, his fucking name. It felt like a curse, like she could never escape his shadow as hard as she tried - she was either hung up on losing him, or reminded by her Mum of all the negative qualities he’d passed down to her. As if sensing her stare, Jane’s eyes suddenly met hers, so Robin simply stuck out her tongue and smirked, quickly turning back to her food.
Robin was 18 when she found out she was pregnant. It was the end of her first month away at Uni when the nausea hit, a week later when her period hadn’t come, and another week after that before she was brave enough to take a test. She’d felt so stupid, so pathetic - the one thing she’d worked so hard to avoid, becoming like her Mum, and now it was unavoidable. Well, it could have been avoidable, but the doctor’s appointment she’d made had sealed her fate. The moment she saw her little baby and heard it’s muffled heartbeat, a small seedling of hope planted itself in Robin’s brain. This could be her chance to make up for all the bad in her life, to be the Mum she felt like she’d never had.
Now, a month later, she sat in front of her Mum at the dinner table on a rare visit home from Uni. “Mum,” Robin started, taking a hesitant breath. “I’m pregnant. It’s Jack’s and -.” Emily’s jaw clenched and she dropped her fork, causing a loud clang as it hit the plate. “Jane, love, go to your room.” Robin rolled her eyes and stared at the wall behind her Mum as Jane left the table. “I’m keeping it, Mum, I -” “How could you be so careless, Robin?” Robin watched as her Mum’s head dropped into her hands and she shook her head. “After everything this family has been through… You’ve constantly shown how irresponsible you are, how reckless you are, and now you expect me to believe you can handle being a mother? You’re a child.”
“I can do it, Mum. I promise. I’ll have the baby and then I can take classes while I take care of it -”
“I did everything for you, I gave up everything for you. And now you’re throwing your life away on a baby you’re not ready for? How could you be so stupid?” Emily was screaming until her voice gave way to tears and she shook her head in disgust at her own daughter. “I thought you’d be smart enough to see what happened to me and do better, but you’re just like your father… you only think about yourself.” She sighed and turned away from Robin. “Get out of my house.” “But, Mum…” Robin’s voice was soft, sad almost, and Emily recognized someone other than Robbie in it for once - she recognized herself, the naive 18 year old that was convinced that love was all she needed to have a happy family, to be a good mum. But love wasn’t enough, and soon Robin would see that too. “Get out, Robin. I’ve had enough of this, you’ll always be like your father - a selfish, reckless, disappointment. You can kiss any chance at Uni goodbye, unless you do it yourself. I’m done.” Robin shook her head desperately, her eyes watering up. “But, Mum I promise - “ “No. Why should I believe you now when all you’ve ever done is make things difficult for everyone around you? I don’t want to hear it, Robin. Just go.” Robin looked at her Mum for a moment longer, her damp eyes wide in fear. Emily bowed her head and refused to look up again until she heard the front door close.
Emily was 36 when she lost her daughter.
Robin was 19 when she became a mother. By her 19th birthday, she had finished her first semester of Uni with high marks, and subsequently dropped out indefinitely. She returned to Spenningdale, where a job in the cafe and a tiny old flat were waiting for her, whilst her best friends and the father of her unborn child were away at Uni, or travelling the world. She had felt alone, exhausted, and terrified of her future. Now though, in hospital, Robin was once again surrounded by her best friends, her chosen family, and felt the love and support she’d been craving. Leo had driven her to hospital when her contractions started and waited with her until Jack arrived, and then he and Matt were there waiting to meet Jack and Robin’s daughter, Hazel, when she arrived.
Now, as Jack laid across the chair in the corner of the room, snoring, and Robin sat quietly with Hazel, staring down into her daughter’s eyes - she felt that every sacrifice, every ounce of pain that led her to this moment, to being the Mum of this perfect little girl, was completely worth it. In this moment, when it really was just her and Hazel looking at one another, she felt the deepest, most intrinsic connection with her little girl, and vowed to always protect her - to support her, to listen to her, and to love her unconditionally for the rest of her life. Robin smiled to herself as the tiny eyes looking back at her finally closed, and a small whistling snore escaped her nose.
Since speaking with Evie the night before, the only thing that was swimming around Jack’s brain was Robin. It was like now that he had finally rejected Evie as just a teenage crush, an idolised goddess or whatever, he had given permission to his brain to only think about Robin. If someone did a diagram of his brain right now, it would be a repetition of her name. Over and over again. Other things would be in there too, but the only important thing felt like her right now.
When he added alcohol to it, he thought it might numb his brain a little bit, slow it down from thinking of her, but it only made it worse. In fact it made him want to act on her name swimming through his brain, whereas sober he knew he wasn’t allowed to do anything. Sober, he knew he wasn’t good enough for her. Sober, he knew she had picked Leo. Sober, he just wouldn’t dare.
Drunk him though was staggering over to her house at 11:30 pm. He was knocking on the door and shouting her name. Speaking out the thing he had been thinking about all this time. He hadn’t really thought further than this though. What was he going to do after she answered the door? If she answered the door? What was there to actually say? Only things he would regret when he was sober, but still he continued to shout.
It was an interesting point Robin raised, because hadn’t Charlie been trying to get rid of him? Trying to find a way to end it without repercussions for herself, but now it had happened and it still felt like something she should be mourning. She was free, but currently sadness was weighing her down. “Yeah, well, it wasn’t nearly as dramatic as I’d like it to have been.” The assumption that she was the one to end it brought a slight smile to her face. Had she been the one to end it? Wasn’t she just being replaced with another girl? That’s how she got herself out of it… by not being wanted anymore. “I’m sure he’ll get over it soon enough.” She sighed, pushing away her embarrassment over the Owen ordeal to tell the full story. “I guess I’m the one who ended it, but I had to. It became very obvious that Owen has developed feelings…” Her words grew slower as if the foreign nature of them caused them to be harder to get out. “For someone else. It was all amicable, so rather boring.” She smiled, remembering one thing he had said. “He did, however, call me a cold, heartless bitch.”
Her eyes searched Robin’s face as she mentioned seeing Jack today. “I have no issue having a bottle to myself,” She commented, still gesturing at the waiter. “A bottle, please.”
The way Robin had no issue telling her everything about Jack and Leo made Charlie feel a little bad that she was physically unable to say anything that might feed her vulnerabilities during this sensitive state she was in. She let her speak without uttering a single word. She nodded at the right times and knitted her eyebrows together in a sensible level of concern, however the drama of it all was the perfect cure to her current relationship limbo, so she had to try extra hard to hide a flash of excitement in her eyes. When she was done, Charlie automatically slid her hand across the table and squeezed Robin’s hand. This vulnerable moment was really causing Charlie to do crazy things.
“Although it would give me great pleasure to say ‘I told you so’, it gives me greater pleasure to see you happy.” She said softly with a smile playing on her lips. “And you sound more sure of yourself than you did about Leo. But honestly, Robin, only you could cause this much drama with such minimal effort. I envy you.” She laughed, shaking her head and giving Robin’s hand another squeeze. “I’m guessing Leo took it like a typical man? And I hope Jack isn’t going to be a typical man about all this… What are you going to say?”
Robin’s eyebrows shot up and she quickly set her glass down in fear of choking on mimosa. “Wait... what?” She shook her head, restraining from flashing Charlie a sympathetic look, as she knew her well enough to know she’d hate that. So, she simply settled on a grumbled, “What a prick. Good riddance.” Robin took a small sip of her drink and gave Charlie a comforting look, hopefully void of any pity, softly resting her hand over Charlie’s for a moment. “Well, you already know what I’m going to say... You were always too good for him and now you’re finally free to do what you want to do, and who you want to do, with people who actually deserve to be in your presence. Men are such fucking idiots.” She once again set the glass down slowly, remembering their conversation last week. “Does this have anything to do with what we talked about last week...?”
She let out a small breath and gave Charlie a grateful smile for not making her feel more guilty and stupid over this situation than she already did. “Thanks, C.” Robin scoffed and rolled her eyes, taking a longer sip of her mimosa this time. “Don’t fucking remind me, I feel like such an idiot. All of this could have been prevented if I’d just been more honest with myself... It’s bullshit.” She returned Charlie’s hand squeeze and winced slightly with a shake of her head. “He was really upset, and really fucking angry... But he has every right to be. I fucked up, this was fucked up and now our friendship is ruined because of it.” Robin lifted a hand to pinch the bridge of her nose as she revisited Leo’s words for the billionth time since early this morning. “He said everything that has already been swimming in my head - Jack only wanted me because he couldn’t have me, he’ll take it all back the second I go to him... And for all I know, he could be absolutely right and then everything is fucked.” She sighed once more and shook her head. “He told me we deserved each other and to go fuck myself... So all in all, yeah, a typical man.”
Robin leaned back in her seat slightly, swirling the glass absentmindedly on the table. “I have no idea... I’ve been thinking about it nonstop since this morning but I’m sure once I get to his everything will just pour out. I’ve done this with Jack so many times and I’m just not sure I can handle the rejection again if it happens... I feel like an idiot for even trying, but things felt different last night, so I’m hoping they really will be.”
Robin rolled her eyes at herself and shook her head. “But enough about the unending soap opera that is my life... What else is new? How are things going at the paper?”
He had been taking that for granted for years and he didn’t deserve to hear those words back, but she always said it back. If she was the one saying it to him, he would have left her hanging time and time again. Maybe that was why she never said it first. She knew he wouldn’t say it back even though he knew what he felt for her was love. What else could it be? Naming it had always felt big and scary to him, but with her in his arms falling asleep, it was the easiest thing in the world. Life would have been this easy if he had just been true to his feelings a long time ago.
But this moment would be the easiest it would ever get again for him.
——
Just as he knew he would, he had slept very peacefully next to Robin. The best night’s sleep he would probably ever get. She was better than any sleeping meds he had attempted to take. It was unlike Robin to not stay in bed with him until he woke up. They liked to talk in bed until they had to get up. Now the room was full of silence and angry yells in his mind that he tried so hard to drown out. He wanted to be in her presence again, because it was the only thing that quietened his mind. Hearing her in the kitchen, he went down and leaned on the kitchen doorframe, “Morning, beautiful,” He said in such an easy voice that it sounded like a younger version of Jack. A younger version of Jack and Robin where they had more possibilities in life and a naive look at what they were to each other, because they hadn’t hurt each other yet. He laughed and ruffled his hair, before reaching forward and ruffling hers.”Is this not doing it for you?” The laughter left and Jack wanted this to be his life so badly right now. Just for today. He knew he didn’t deserve more than that. “So…”
Any other morning, in any other circumstance, Robin would have effortlessly replied to Jack’s greeting. A laugh and a kiss, a teasing greeting in response. Now, she just barely held back a wince, one filled with pain, knowing that this would never happen again. That was the last time she’d hear that greeting. It transported her back to a simpler time for a moment, a time where they could sleep together and joke around after and say things like “morning, beautiful” and it not feel like this monumental life decision. Robin would do anything to return to that time, to live in that moment, so she didn’t have to admit that it was over. A hollow laugh escaped her when he ruffled her hair, and she lightly swatted his hand away. Robin leaned most of her weight against the counter as the laughing was quickly replaced by a hesitant silence, one that Jack quickly broke. She shook her head, letting out an embarrassed laugh this time. “Um yeah, so about last night...” Robin started, finally looking back to Jack. “It was just a heat of the moment thing, yeah? It’s not like...” She shrugged, looking away to turn her attention back to the cooktop. “It’s not like it meant anything, anyway. Just like old times.” She glanced up at Jack with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
Robin turned away, unable to look at Jack any longer. Deep down it felt like she should be getting some sort of relief out of this, a kind of closure - she’d finally been able to cut things short before he’d had a chance to take everything back like he always did. But she felt no relief, no closure, just a lump in her throat. Last night had been her last time with Jack, she knew that, did he know that too? She felt like she hadn’t even fully taken it in or treasured it, and even that thought felt forbidden to her now. It shouldn’t matter that it was over, things should be about Leo now. Robin cleared her throat, glancing over at Jack. “Hazel will be up soon, feel free to stay for breakfast if you want.”
Applying a dark purple lipstick as she stared in the mirror, Charlie noted that this was what she looked like as a single woman. It wasn’t something she had been in a while and even though it had been something she had found herself fantasising about more and more, the shock at how this felt compared to her fantasies hit her hard. There was no more protection and yet she wanted to set a fire to everything. It had renewed her focus on the paper as now she had information she could actually do something with. This murder actually might be the thing that made her CV pop and Owen had been the thing holding her back.
She was halfway through her mimosa when Robin joined her and Charlie raised an eyebrow right back as she took an unhealthy gulp before replying. “It’s been uneventful. Owen and I broke up last night, but that was only mild excitement.” She downed the rest of her mimosa. “I think I need another one. Should I just get a bottle? I think so.” She raised a hand to try and get someone’s attention to order this. “Why is your Saturday going so terribly? Is Leo really bad in bed?” She groaned. “Ugh, does he actually have a micro penis?”
Robin almost choked on her drink at the news of Charlie and Owen. “What the fuck? You’ve been trying to get rid of him for ages and it was only mildly exciting? I need more details than that, what happened? How did you break it to him? How are you feeling?” She felt like she could maybe answer that herself, seeing as Charlie had nearly chugged the mimosa and was now in the process of ordering more. Robin let out a laugh, taking another small sip. “You know I’ll always support more alcohol, but I am staying at a two drink maximum this morning... I’m going to talk with Jack after this.” Although he clearly lacked the forethought to have a life-altering conversation with her sober, she refused to turn up to his drunk.
A groan escaped Robin then and rubbed at her forehead with a shake of her head. Charlie had predicted this would happen, and now she had to admit that she’d completely turned everything upside down. “I don’t really even know where to begin... I’ve really fucked up, Charlie. And no, it’s not Leo... Or maybe it is, I don’t know. It’s not about sex though, but then again I guess it is.” Robin rolled her eyes, taking a large sip of her drink. “Things never got that far with him, it just felt off to me. He’s been my best friend for such a long time that making that jump just didn’t feel right to rush into. And then Jack...” She took another sip of her drink, shaking her head. “So I told you about the night of Matt’s memorial, right? With Jack? Well I may have skimmed over a minor detail... He told me he loved me that night and I said it back, but I didn’t actually think it meant anything because it never really has.” Robin shrugged in an attempt to downplay how ridiculous this all was. “Until he showed up at almost midnight last night, absolutely shit faced, and let it slip to Leo that we hooked up last week, then basically told me he’s still in love with me. Leo and I had an argument about it and I ended things. I think I confused the love I have for our friendship and my desperation over maintaining that with romantic love. I just don’t know if I could ever get there with him like I can with Jack.” She looked down at the table after that storytelling word vomit left her, fiddling with the napkin in front of her. “It feels different this time with him, things are just different with us. So I’m going to talk to him about it after I leave here.” Robin raised her eyebrows and looked at Charlie. “You are totally within your right to say ‘I told you so’ and tell me how stupid I’m being, by the way. I deserve it.”
With raised eyebrows, Jane exhaled slowly to make a satisfying annoyed whistle. “I think that’s everything to do with the point, but sure, we’ve forgotten all about it now.” She remarked, continuing to smile. If Robin was trying to wind her up further, then Jane would have to not rise to it in order to keep Robin on her good side. “Yeah, I suppose when JJ and I have babies anyway, Hazel will be much older and we would’ve forgotten how cute she is now anyway, so yeah, there won’t be a competition anymore.” She always fantasised about having a family with JJ. It was strange to her, because without JJ she didn’t really see her immediate future with children or marriage or anything like that, it was actually winding roads in foreign countries, adventures by herself or with someone else, but it felt like with JJ, she needed them to be married soon and with a baby and in a cute house. It felt like maybe because he yearned for stability in his life, she sensed it and wanted to provide him with that so badly, because he deserved it.
She rolled her eyes lightly at the comment about insta. “Insta’s insta, you know, everything is a little bit different to real life on there.” It occured to Jane that she needed to lead the conversation and talk about children or Robin’s love life or anything at all a little too late, as Robin was asking her more questions again and sensing that something was off. Everything was off for Jane. The Fear was here as Robin continued to prod and Jane could’ve told her everything then. It would be so easy to tell the most adult person she knew about everything she was trying to protect and about JJ and about her eventually having to give a completely false alibi and about Keira and about Charlie and maybe Charlie would tell her everything heself? She could’ve let it all spill out right there. Robin would tell her what to do, but she also knew what Robin would tell her to do would be to get the fuck out of this situation and she just couldn’t do that. “Uh…” She started, wondering if there was any part truth she could give. “Well, my period’s just started and it’s fucking heavy as a bastard.” She reached a hand out to rest on Robin’s hand. “But thank you, I know I can talk to you.” And she did. “What’s new with you anyway?”
Robin smiled to herself, slightly exasperated and slightly amused at how idealistic Jane sounded - not even 18 and already dreaming about a romantic life with her deadbeat boyfriend. She could have laughed at the thought, because it felt so foreign to Robin. At 18 all she’d ever wanted to do was move away to school and travel and live freely in ways that she couldn’t in Spenningdale, yet here was her sister, wishing for a lot of what Robin now had and in a lot of ways still felt constricted by. She simply nodded, knowing better than to voice any of this to Jane, or to poke fun at her fantasies. “Alright.”
She wanted to roll her eyes right back at Jane for the comment about instagram, because of course everything wasn’t as it seemed on social media, which was why Robin was asking Jane about things in the first place. Robin let out a breath instead, mentally praising herself for the patience and restraint she was using with her little sister. She thought for a moment that Jane wouldn’t answer her prodding at all, or maybe she was about to admit something big that was bothering her. When she finally responded with typical period woes, Robin felt relieved, but not entirely convinced that everything was actually okay. But she knew that if it was something serious enough, Jane would come to her, so she let it go. She smiled sympathetically, holding up the box of biscuits. “Oh yeah, that’s shit, but it’s nothing a few biscuits and tea can’t solve.”
Robin did roll her eyes when Jane asked what was new with her, not even knowing where to start. She’d been so concerned about Jane that she’d forgotten at some point she’d have to actually face everything that had been happening with her. To admit that she really felt like she was barely keeping her head above water at the moment. “Um,” She started, furrowing her eyebrows and sitting back into the sofa as she searched for the easiest answer. “A lot of the same shit, new day... Like sorting things for Hazel, work, things with Leo and then I guess just working through everything over Matt.” Robin hesitated, before ultimately deciding to open up about the more scandalous development of the week. “Oh and Evie came round on Sunday, accusing me of sleeping with Matt because she found a sweater in their flat that wasn’t hers and thinks he was cheating. So that was really fun.” She scoffed and shook her head, massaging her forehead. “Basically everything’s a bit of a shitshow at the moment.”
The entire morning was passing Robin in a daze - getting Hazel and her things ready for daycare, getting herself ready for the day, dropping Hazel off, and now meeting Charlie to unravel the shitshow that her life had become in the past 24 hours. She never got back to sleep after Leo left last night, her mind filled with guilt, confusion, frustration, and an overwhelming amount of love, all for the seemingly wrong person. Despite the haze, there was one rotating thought at the forefront of her mind. Jack, Jack, Jack. His name was like song lyrics, a tune playing incessantly over and over in her head no matter what else she played to drown out the sound. She’d never risked this much to be with Jack before, and it terrified her. What was stopping him from treating her like he had every other time she’d crawled back to him? Even as her thoughts returned to this, she replayed their conversation from the night before in her head, then their reminiscing the weekend before, and their night together after the memorial. Yes, she was risking more than she ever had to be with him, but he had more open with her in the past week than he ever had before, and that had to mean something.
She approached Charlie, noting the mimosa already placed in front of her, and another in front of the seat meant for Robin. “Well,” She started, sitting down across from Charlie. “I was hoping your Saturday was starting out much better than mine, but judging by the drinks, I’m guessing I’m mistaken?” Robin took a sip of the mimosa, raising her eyebrow. “So what have I missed? Please allow me to live vicariously through you for a moment.”
