prada or nada

yo. jack. 23. here for a good time, not a long time.

[jackofalltwats]

boys will be bugs / jimmy and jack

nine

“Now, this doesn’t mean we love you any less and it’s nothing to do with you -,” Jack’s mum was cut off by a phone ringing. She turned from her tear-stained son to his dad with a sharpness that made it clear to Jack that it definitely wasn’t anything to do with him. This marriage was over and it was their fault. “Do you need to take that?” 

His dad looked from Jack to his wife, before throwing up a finger to signal he’d just check. 

“Sorry, sorry, I thought I silenced it,” He groaned as he stared at the screen, looking back up at the two of them. “I just need a minute.” 

His mum sighed and wrapped her arms around Jack, as his dad could be heard answering the phone and shutting the door behind him. Jack stared at the door shutting before rubbing his face deeper into his mum’s shoulder. They hadn’t hugged like this in a long time, because he thought he was getting too old to be held like this. Now he felt so small and young. 

“We’re going to be okay,” His mum placated him with her soft tones and a kiss on the top of his head. 

“Where am I going to live?” 

His mum pulled herself slightly from his head and frowned deeply, clearly not having an answer prepared for this. 

“Well… you’re going to stay right here.” She cupped his face in her hands to wipe the tears away. “You know your dad travels so much… and then he’ll visit you as much as he can, okay?” 

Jack nodded along with her, feeling like this wasn’t okay at all. 

His dad came back through the door, sighing at the situation before him. 

“I was just saying that you’ll be back to visit him as much as you can.” 

They stared at each other - a dad and his son - and they felt like strangers that would only get stranger and stranger as the years passed. 

“Yeah, of course.” He nodded, as if to convince himself of this truth. “Any time you want, son.” 

thirteen 

Jack put the final things in his suitcase that he could be bothered to pack. His mum would do the rest even though she’d act like she wouldn’t. As soon as he considered this, his mum appeared in the doorway, hitting her mobile against the palm of her hand and scrunching up her face. If he had looked properly, he would’ve known what was coming. 

“So I just spoke to your Dad…” Jack looked from his suitcase to his mum and back again. The realisation fell onto him very suddenly and he simply nodded slowly. He should’ve known what was coming. “Yeah, I’m so sorry, baby, he’s got to go to Singapore tonight. It’s uh… a last minute thing.” 

Jack kept nodding and shrugged. 

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” 

It was easier to pretend not to care rather than do anything else. 

“He said he’s really sorry and he wants to make it up to you for Christmas.” Jack nodded again, barely looking at his mum as he did so. “And he’s got you three tickets, so you can take your friends to that football game this weekend instead of… instead of the holiday.” 

Three tickets… For him, Matt and Leo, he assumed. God, he didn’t even know how many friends he had. 

“Obviously a ticket for an adult to go with you. I was thinking, well, Gavin, could take you and your friends. It might be nice…”

Ugh… Gavin, mum’s new boyfriend. Of course, Jack couldn’t even get his own Dad to come and take him on holiday that had been planned for months, but his mum’s new boyfriend was desperate to spend time with him. 

“I don’t think so.” 

Rolling his eyes, he sat down on his bed. Maybe out of pity, his mum didn’t say anything and simply turned to leave his bedroom. 

“Mum, wait, have you got the tickets?” 

------

Getting off his bicycle, he waved at the gang, who were hanging out at their spot in the park, and approached them at jogging speed. Robin, who was getting out of a handstand, was the first to notice him. 

“I thought you were on holiday, Jacky?” 

The others turned around from their seated spots to take a look at him. Leo stood up too, brushing off his jeans and looking like he was about to open his mouth too. 

“Uh… yeah, I’m going now, jerks, but,” He pulled the football tickets from his back pocket and handed them to Leo, who was now the nearest to him. His eyes widened. “Yeah, my Dad got them, because he forgot we wouldn’t be here and yeah, he said my friends could take them.” 

“What are they?” Matt asked, still stretching out like a fat cat getting all the sun. 

“They’re… Jesus, Jack, these must have cost a lot?” Leo asked, eyes flitting from the tickets to Jack’s face. 

“Yeah, my dad’s loaded, isn’t he?” Jack said, a slither of smugness still traceable in his voice. 

Matt, growing impatient, jumped up now and grabbed at the tickets. 

“What?!” He yelled out of excitement. Robin was peering over his shoulder to look as well, but wasn’t nearly as fussed as the others. “Your Dad is the fucking best!” 

Jack nodded stiffly. 

“Yeah, well, there’s an extra ticket there for a parent to go as well.” 

“This is really cool, Jack. Almost not as jealous now about your holiday.” Leo joked, nudging Jack as he started walking backwards from the gang. 

“Whatever, I’ll still be making you guys hella jealous when I’m back.” 

“Yeah, yeah, have a good time.” Leo called back in response and Matt yelled something that sounded like excitement or a scream of goodbye. 

Robin stared at Jack as he was walking backwards, laughing and joking as if he really was about to go on this holiday. The staring was so intense that he had to turn away, because it felt like she knew he wasn’t happy. Like she knew his dad wasn’t all that great. Like she knew he was going home to hide away for a week before he could pretend he had gotten back from his trip. 

And he didn’t want anyone knowing that stuff. 

 fifteen 

It was his mum’s wedding day and Jack wanted to be anywhere else. Gavin thought it would be nice if he was part of the groomsmen, as his new sister, Rosie, was a flowergirl, but Jack would’ve rather died. Gavin was so fucking boring and kept trying to spend ‘quality time’ with him. 

He kept hearing some of his relatives on his mum’s side bitching about his dad and saying how much better Gavin was, but he knew the difference between his dad and Gavin - his dad had a life. Jack never got to see him, because he was too busy living his big and brilliant life; he was jet setting around the world, probably girls falling at his feet and dancing around in money. What did Gavin do at the weekend? Make Sunday roast and polish his coin collection. No wonder he wanted to spend time with Jack - he had nothing better to do. 

He felt sorry for him, but sure, his mum looked happy as they spun around the dancefloor and his step-sister, Rosie, looked ecstatic as she twirled next to them. She was getting a new family at the same age when his fell apart, of course she looked happy. 

He avoided his Aunt Georgia by moving to the gift table. Mostly it was full of envelopes where people had given them money, but right in the middle of the table was a huge sculpture of some sort. It looked heavy and simply for decoration. He leaned in, out of curiosity, to view who had bought it. 

‘All the best, Jimmy’ 

His dad bought this? His dad bought something? Actually, no, that wasn’t shocking. It would’ve been more shocking if he had been here. 

He was interrupted by Matt throwing his arms around him and Leo and Robin laughing loudly over something he must have just said. 

“We’re doing shots outside - come on, come on.” Matt loudly whispered in Jack’s ear that erupted into a loud laugh that caused Jack to flinch backwards. 

“Sure, yeah, one sec.” Matt licked the side of his face and ran off. 

Robin went to move with the others but hung back at the last second as she noticed what Jack was staring at. 

“Was he supposed to come today?” Jack opened his mouth to ask how she even knew who it was from, but Robin spoke up first. “I heard your mum telling someone her ex bought something ridiculous and… well, this is pretty ridiculous.”

“Oh, nah, he’s in-,” He paused, realising he didn’t know where he was right now actually. “Well, he’s somewhere. Guess it would be weird if he was here anyway.” 

“Was it all his fault then?” 

Jack moved his head from the sculpture to Robin just ever so slightly. 

“Why does it have to be someone’s fault?” She smiled, as if this didn’t need answering at all. 

“It’s always someone’s fault.” 

Jack didn’t say anything for a moment and considered it carefully. 

He knew his dad never had time for anyone and only cared about work and then he overheard several arguments about him cheating on his mum, but he wasn’t about to say any of this out loud. 

“Yeah, I guess it probably was his fault then.” 

It was the closest he had ever gotten to saying that his dad wasn’t perfect and he wasn’t sure he liked how it sounded out of his mouth, but it was out there now. 

And he would never have any idea that Robin sensed that it was the closest too and that her hand was edging closer to his. 

“Ah, Robin, you making sure my boy isn’t up to mischief?” Robin’s hand vaulted back to her side. 

“Impossible.” Robin grinned. “I should check on the other boys though.” 

She smiled at Jack and it would have been a normal smile if he didn’t know what he had just revealed, so it felt like the most significant smile. 

“Robin’s a lovely girl,” His mum smiled at Robin running through the dancing crowds to get outside. He felt his mum nudge his arm. “And there’s definitely nothing going on there?” 

“Mum! God, no, she’s just a friend - yuck!”

His mum laughed. 

“Okay, okay, I’m just saying what I’m seeing.” 

“Well, stop, what the hell?”

He punched his hands into his pockets, hating this conversation, but knowing he was going to hate bringing up his dad more. Yet, he gestured with his head back at the sculpture. 

“I saw what dad got you.”

“Yeah… half thinking of selling it, so we can get something we actually want with it. That’s your dad though, getting people what they don’t want… or even need.” 

“Mum…” 

He drew out the word, making it obvious he didn’t want her to continue on. The only person who couldn’t pretend about his dad being the best dad in the world was with her. She knew the exact number of times he hadn’t wished him a happy birthday, cancelled on their plans, walked out of dinner to take a call and introduced him to several ‘girlfriends’. 

She never talked about it though. She let him live in the fantasy that his dad was fantastic, because she knew it was easier for Jack to live life this way. 

Not today though. 

“No, I’m sorry, I’m only going to say this once, because I’m drunk. I normally try to be completely unbiased in all of this, but your dad… is a prick. I don’t want you thinking his behaviour is normal, okay? That kind of thinking is going to mess with you.” She cupped his face in her hands and smiled up at him with watery eyes. “You’re going to be the best man in the world and that’s going to have nothing to do with him.”

Jack nodded, believing her for a brief second. Maybe he could be a good man at some point in life. 

He didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t be completely sappy or would say that he knew his dad was shit, so he said the next best thing. 

“I’ll spend more time with Gavin.” 

“Yes. Yes, you bloody should. He’s lovely and he isn’t here to replace your dad, but I want you to also have a constant male figure in your life. It’s just been me and I can only be so much -,”

“You’re the best mum though…” 

This made his mum beam and she went on tip-toe to kiss him, as she was already so much shorter than him. 

“I love you, my baby.” 

Jack pulled a face, like he was disgusted by this public display of affection, but it softened into a smile. His mum started to pull away, but Jack held on tight. 

“Mum, I’m sorry whatever Dad did to you.” 

“That’s nothing for you to be sorry for and I’m happier than I’ve ever been before.” She paused, her smile faltering. “But I have everything to be sorry for - I wish your dad was better.” 

And she squeezed his hand again then let it go just as fast. 

Now he could pretend to live in a world where his dad was great again to him, and only him. 

eighteen 

He wasn’t quite sure why he did it, but he figured if fatherly advice was ever needed then it was for this very monumental fuck-up. When the phone just rang out, he wasn't surprised. In fact, there was a small bit of relief in him that he didn’t have to tell his dad that he had gotten Robin pregnant and she was talking about keeping it. Maybe he’d never have to tell him. Maybe Robin would change her mind and - 

The phone rang. 

“Jack, it’s three am here.” 

The shock of his dad actually calling him back made him slow to form words. 

“Oh, yeah, are you in Japan or -,” 

“Hong Kong now - has something happened?” 

“Sorry, I forgot, I just…” He fumbled, obviously unprepared on how to break this news. “Well, Robin’s pregnant and -,” 

“Robin?” 

“My girlfriend.” He paused, holding himself back from saying the number of times he had spoken about Robin to him, even when they were just friends, and all the times he could’ve met her if he had just fucking been there, instead he went with a more lame, “You were supposed to meet her over the summer, but yeah.”

“Right, right. So she’s pregnant? Fuck, Jack, how the hell did that happen?” 

Jack closed his eyes. 

“We were using protection, I swear.” 

His dad sighed on the phone. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” He repeated words and phrases often, as if they had enough conversations for him to be frustrated with Jack, but they both knew that wasn’t true. “Well, obviously she’s getting rid of it?” 

“I don’t know… I thought she would, but she said she wants to keep it- the baby.” He sighed. “Yeah, I don’t know.” 

“Well, it’s your choice too and you’ve just got to say no. Jack, this would ruin both of your lives. Hers and yours, but yours especially. You’ve got to live your life - uni, parties, girls, whatever, whatever. You’re not keeping it.” 

He laughed at the end of it all, as if it was absolutely ridiculous and maybe it was, but Jack finally felt the kind of closure he didn’t realise he was looking for with his Dad. 

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll speak to her again. Uh… thanks, Dad.” 

His Dad breathed deeply and it sounded like it would be better described as a sigh of relief - this conversation was coming to an end. 

“Anytime, son.” He drew in his breath again. “Well, you know, I’ll try and see you around Christmas.” 

“Yeah, sure.” Jack said, knowing this probably wouldn’t happen. 

Suddenly he had clarity on the situation and he would speak to Robin again, but to tell her that he’d do whatever she wanted. If she wanted this baby, then Jack knew exactly what he wouldn’t be - his Dad. 

[jackofalltwats]

warning sign | jack + robin

robin-oliver​:

Robin wordlessly stepped into Jack’s flat, wading through the words and feelings that had just escaped her and were now left puddled invisibly at their feet. It felt odd - as if a weight that she had been carrying around for years had been lifted, one that she’d been carrying even longer than her and Jack had actually been together; and yet, it was the heaviness of Jack’s silence that remained now, making her feel even more weighed down than before. Maybe Leo was right, and she’d just unlocked her scared and timid heart in vain. She lifted her hands to her eyes and rubbed at them, preparing herself for the worst.

But then he said it back.

Robin’s hands dropped to her sides as she stared at Jack in shock for a moment. Years and years of holding back how deeply she loved him for fear of him not returning those feelings, yet here he was, saying everything she’d ever wanted to hear from him and more. Tears were ever present in Robin’s eyes, not taking them off of Jack the entire time he spoke. “Jacky…” She murmured, shaking her head at his words. She wanted to hug him, to wipe his tears away and kiss his cheek, to tell him that all the love that he’d starved himself of all this time had been constantly replenished by her love for him, by Hazel’s love for him. He’d always be surrounded by their love. “I never stopped either,” She added lamely instead.

Her mind was racing with thoughts of where to go from here - what did two people, who had loved each other for the better half of a decade, do once they had allowed themselves to fully acknowledge the feelings they’d hidden from each other for so long? She didn’t have a chance to find the answer, because as quickly as Jack had opened up to her, he was shutting down again. This time though, it felt different.

She wanted to be angry, she wanted to scream at Jack for roping her back into all of this, for making her bare her already thoroughly bandaged heart to him only for it to be shattered again and again. But it was like she’d suddenly become her 7 year old self again, paralyzed by her father leaving - she couldn’t scream, she couldn’t yell, all she could do was stare at him with misted over eyes and mumble a sad, “what?” Robin shook her head and let out a half laugh that she hated nearly sounded like a sob, then turned from him. She wanted to rest her eyes on anything other than Jack at that moment, but it was his flat, and everything here was Jack - the old playstation they’d all played together in college, the ikea cabinet she’d helped him build when he moved back home, the nice leather wallet he carried and the photo of Hazel that he kept in it, now laying to the side. It was a small polaroid that Robin had taken on her first birthday and slipped into Jack’s father’s day card a month later. She got a sinking feeling at the sight of it and picked it up before turning back to Jack, his use of the word “gone” now at the forefront of her mind. “Gone? Where the fuck are you going? You can’t leave, Hazel needs you… I need you.” She held up the photograph, “it’s not too late, Jacky. I’m here. We’re here. Just talk to me,” Robin had started crying again without even realizing it and dropped the photo back onto the table. “Because right now you’re being so… so fucking cryptic and it’s scaring me. What’s going on?” 

God, he was an idiot. They had never stopped wanting each other - he could have said he wanted her at any point and she would have taken him back? Wasn’t there a saying that when you get all the things you thought you wanted in life then you realised you didn’t really want all those things in the end? Shagging lots of girls, living in the city, being rich... there was always something missing, something making him feel a bit empty inside, but it was what he had wanted his whole life? So he just kept going, accumulating more and more, because surely it must just be that he hadn’t shagged enough girls, he wasn’t rich enough and after that he’d be happy. After getting Evie though, he couldn’t deny that the thing that had always been missing was Robin. And he would take back everything to be back at that party where they had their stupid row and he would never yell, he would never leave her. Forget what they said about hindsight, there was nothing beautiful about it, it was fucking brutal. 

Now he was stood in the middle of the brutality of it all. The brutality of saying the words he never had the nerve to say, but holding himself back enough to not kiss her. To kiss her one more time would hurt him in ways he didn’t even want to acknowledge in this moment. And he was thinking of the endings as Robin was screaming and crying and asking impossible questions. He never intended of telling her, but in that moment, seeing her cry, seeing her hold the polaroid - he knew he had to. If she heard from anyone else then she wouldn’t understand, she would never know it from his mouth and she deserved that more than anything else. Telling the love of his life the horrible things he had done surely would be good practice for turning himself in. 

He took her hands for a minute in an attempt to calm her down, but it gave him the sinking feeling that soon enough she would never want him to touch her again. “Robin, I have to go.” He repeated, letting go of her hands and taking a step backwards. “I have to go to the police.” He wiped at his face, getting himself together before he had to tell her everything that until now he had never said out loud. “I wanted to hear you say ‘I love you’, because I know you’re not going to do that anymore. In that moment though... It was an accident, but what happened to Matt, that was me.” 

He didn’t give her a chance to say anything in that moment, because he needed to get to the explanation as quickly as possible, he turned away from her completely, unable to look at her face. He would get stronger for his confession later to the police, but this was the strongest he could be in this moment. 

“I didn’t mean to and I didn’t know he was already so weak, but now when I think back on it, all I see is him barely being able to walk and the blood he had on him. He was so weak before I even got there.” He was crying now and it would get worse, as all he saw was Matt’s broken body and the death. “So uh... I found out Hazel wasn’t mine, like I took her for that doctor check up with the blood test thing and it didn’t make sense with what mine and yours are, so I did a paternity test and didn’t tell you. I told Matt though and I didn’t know what to do or what to think - I hated you in that moment, like for the first time ever. Not because of Hazel, like she is mine and that didn’t change anything, but I thought you had cheated on me and then lied to me.” He inhaled deeply, because he couldn’t keep talking and crying like this. “I went there when he called me, pissed off with him because I knew he was cheating on Evie and I was giving him hell for that and he just... he just didn’t care, you know? It was like he wanted me to hurt him more than he already was. He was going to lose Evie and he knew with what I found out... he was going to lose everything. He told me at a party when we argued and I left, he drugged you and... he said he wasn’t expecting you to be so out of it, but you were and so he decided to... Hazel is his and -,” He crumpled against a wall, practically screaming out in sobs as everything he had bottled in left him. “What was I supposed to do? I hit him and then he kept talking about what he did to you and so I just put my hands around him to get him to shut up and before I could -,” 

[jackofalltwats]

warning sign | jack + robin

robin-oliver​:

Robin grimaced in embarrassment and shook her head. “You do, you look great. I on the other hand…” She let the sentence trail as her eyes remained locked with Jack’s. Maybe this was it, the moment Leo promised her the night before. The moment where Jack would open his mouth and say no, I don’t remember the night before, or no, I mean I do remember it, but it didn’t actually mean anything. She braced herself for that and what it would mean for her as they remained separated by just the jamb of the door.

Finally, Jack spoke, and it was a different answer than either of the ones she’d expected. It didn’t make her feel any better though.

Robin shook her head slightly with a knowing look. “You know I can’t do that, Jacky.” Robin looked down at the space on the ground between their feet. “Leo may not have deserved it, but he needed to know. You only said the thing I’ve been too scared to admit since the memorial, and well before that.” She looked back up at him hesitantly. “I love you, Jack.” Robin paused for just a second, she had never said it first, even though there were countless times she wanted to and could have, yet for whatever reason, today was different. She was tired of being too scared to speak what she felt for Jack, as that’s how they ended up in this fucked situation in the first place. Maybe if she’d been brave enough to tell Jack how deeply she felt about him in college - how she felt he understood her better than anyone else, how safe she felt in their friendship, how the moments they spent alone together even before they were actually together were perhaps more sacred to her than any of her memories of their friend group. But here she was now, finally saying it first after years of keeping that option locked away. Would it be too late?

“I ended things with Leo after you left. And it’s not your fault, or really even because of what you said last night. I think it would have happened eventually anyway.” She shook her head and ran a hand through her hair. “I just don’t think my heart was ever really in it. Not for the right reasons, at least. And that’s unfair to everyone.” Robin could feel her hand fiddling with the necklace around her neck. Jack’s necklace. The piece of him that she had always kept closest to her. “Leo is kind and stable and one of my best friends. But I don’t love him the way that I’ve always loved you, and I could never love him in that way.” She shrugged. “I don’t think I can love anyone else like I do you, except for Hazel.” Robin’s eyes felt teary suddenly and she knew she should keep herself from crying, to protect her dignity in front of Jack, who now had the power to destroy her in a second if he really wanted to. But still, she allowed the tears to fall, only wiping them away once they hit her cheek. “Anyway,” She started, looking back at Jack. “I knew I needed to come and tell you that you haven’t lost me like you said you had last night. You could never lose me, Jack. I’ll always be here. I was a stubborn idiot for ever trying to prove otherwise.”

Jack shook his head, smiling the best he could at her. “Nah, impossible, you always look great.” He didn’t move his eyes from hers despite the guilt that was stuck in his chest. Normally he wouldn’t dare stare into those eyes that only intensified his guilt, but now he could count the hours where he’d get the luxury of her eyes. 

As she spoke, he turned the following thought over and over in his head: I hate myself. Many people could say that in passing and not really mean it, but it was one of the things he was sure of. It had been something that had bubbled up in him over his whole life and what might have been a whisper in his childhood, was now a full scream in his head. I. HATE. MYSELF. What he did last night to Robin were the actions of someone who hated themselves. Why turn up at her house and start all this shit again? She would’ve been happier if he went and she stayed with Leo. Her saying ‘I love you’ hurt him in ways he never could imagine before this conversation. How could anyone love someone who was full of hate for himself? 

The silence leered with memories of Jack and Robin. Times when he could have been a better person, times where he could have stopped everything that happened. He should’ve stayed with her after Hazel, he should’ve said ‘I love you’, he should’ve said he needed her, he should’ve, he should’ve. 

“Sorry, you just - come in,” He tore his eyes away from hers to let her in properly. It gave him a moment to pretend his eyes went filling with tears. Everything was too late. Maybe Robin didn’t know it was too late though, because after he shut the door, she kept saying things that hurt him. She ended things with Leo. That was all his fault again. 

He wiped at his eyes before turning back to stare at her. His eyes followed her hand and she still had that fucking necklace on. He shook his head at everything she was saying, but he didn’t have the heart to verbalise that she should stop. A part of him still wanted to hear it anyway, even if he didn’t deserve it, he had always wanted to hear Robin talk like this about him. “I...” She was crying now and the gap between them wasn’t that big; he could wipe them away, he could kiss her forehead, he could hug her forever, but he shouldn’t. He stayed where he stood, as she told him he could never lose her. 

He had already lost her.

“I love you, Robin.” Well, if he had already lost her then what was the point in hiding all these feelings that he had been too scared to say out loud before? This was the beginning of the end and when you know things are ending, you get a little braver. “Truthfully I do. I love you so much and I probably loved you before you even loved me. I never stopped...” He breathed deeply, steadying himself against the door he had closed before. “And I need you to know, you and Hazel are the only people I care about. See, I’ve always hated myself, you know, and I thought that meant I couldn’t love people in the same way others could, but now I know... I just... all the love I was supposed to have for myself, I gave to you and then to Hazel. I hate that I never said this sooner, because,” He finally looked away from her, staring at the floor instead. “Because it’s too late now. You’re making it really hard, but we can’t and I promise you’ll know why soon enough and you’ll be glad I’ve gone.”

[jackofalltwats]

robin-oliver​:

warning sign | jack + robin

Robin stood outside Jack’s building, smoking a cigarette she’d bummed off of Charlie in an attempt to calm her nerves before she gained enough courage to go inside and speak to him about last night. She tilted her head back and let out a puff of smoke, rolling her eyes at herself for giving into this gross habit she gave up years ago, now twice in the last week, and both times over men. It definitely wasn’t the first time she’d smoked from stress over her relationship with Jack, but she hoped it would be the last - that whatever she told him a few minutes from now would be faced with the same enthusiasm he’d shown her last night, and the night of the memorial. She took one last drag of her cigarette, blowing the smoke out slowly just to put off having to face him for a few seconds longer. Finally, she stamped it out and headed inside.

Once Robin reached the door to Jack’s flat, she hesitated, Leo’s words from the night before echoing in her mind.

He only wants you because he can’t have you.

Well, now was the time to see if he was right or not, so she knocked.

“Hey,” She started once Jack opened the door, his disheveled appearance resembling her own - two people who had been up all night, their heads filled with nothing but each other. “You look awful,” She joked half-heartedly at the irony, as she could smell the stench of cigarette smoke on her hair, with her eyes tired and slightly bloodshot from tears and lack of sleep. “So… We need to talk. Do you remember anything from last night?”

Jack felt like shit when he woke up. He washed the horrible taste in his mouth of regret and alcohol with more alcohol. Lying back on his bed, he laughed without humour at what he had done the night before. He spoke like he had been someone ready to change his life around for Robin, but here he was swilling alcohol around his mouth. 

No, no, not today. 

Today he was going to get up, he was going to brush his teeth and use actual mouthwash, he was going to have a shower, he was going to shave, he was going to apply aftershave, he was going to wear his favourite black turtleneck and trousers, wear his most expensive watch as gifted by his Dad, he was going to kiss the photo he had of Hazel in his wallet and he was going to go to the police station and do what he needed to do. Robin didn’t appear in this series of events, but she was living to every step, breathing life into him making the most sensible decision of his life. He couldn’t have her after everything and so he had to do this, because this life... it wasn’t worth the lying, the guilt, the shit feeling that tingled in his whole body, because it was only worth it with her by his side. 

He got to kissing Hazel when there was a knock at the door. He hadn’t prepared for someone coming to see him. It was probably Leo or Evie or Sofia, there was a long list of people he had pissed off. It would only be a slight detour in his plan. 

Opening the door and seeing her standing there, looking as shit as he felt made him feel worse, but, of course, Robin would be here. Of course, she would be the one showing up. Even though he had pissed off the others, nobody cared, Robin was the only one who cared. And that made him like a piece of shit on his shoe. It was a reminder that he was doing the right thing. 

“I actually thought I looked okay,” He said, knowing that a shower and fresh clothes couldn’t clear the guilt that was eating at his mental health. He stared at her for the longest time before attempting to answer her. He should tell her he didn’t remember. He should tell her he did remember, but he didn’t mean a word of it. He felt the opposite of love for her. He never wanted to see her again. He looked away from her, blinking rapidly, because for some reason he felt like crying. “Yeah... yeah, I do and I’m sorry. You and Leo didn’t deserve that. Just forget about it, about me.”

[jackofalltwats]

bad idea! | jack + robin

robin-oliver​:

Jack’s nod was all that Robin needed to allow herself to fully give into her desire. She trailed a hand from his chest down to rest on his hand that had slipped beneath her underwear, guiding it slightly until he hit just the right spot. She moaned into the kiss then, pulling away slightly to nod, her lips hovering just below his. “Just like that, Jack,” She sighed, moving her hand from his to the back of his neck, pulling him back in for another kiss. Robin’s other hand was now moving against Jack, trying to match his pace. If she thought too hard about what was happening, she was sure she’d find some fault to this - Jack was one of her best friends, she wasn’t meant to be so turned on by him, yet here they were. It was quickly turning into the most exciting hook up that she’d maybe ever had. 

Now, with Robin’s back against the tree and Jack pressed up against her, she could feel herself anticipating what would happen next. As if reading her mind, Jack pulled away, mentioning a condom. Robin paused for a moment, her mind clearing briefly to think through how sleeping with Jack might change things. It would obviously only be a one time thing - fueled by the excitement of the party and curiosity from what almost happened on Halloween. Everything else would just go back to how it always had been tomorrow, once they’d gotten this out of their systems. Once they knew what it was like. She nodded slowly, but confidently. “Yeah, alright. Let’s do it.” And with that, Robin pulled her sweater over her head, left in only her bralette as the chilled November air immediately spread goosebumps across her arms. She moved to kiss Jack again, tugging down on his jeans and boxers. Robin pulled away a moment later with a small laugh. “How the fuck are we going to manage this in the middle of a forest?” 

The moan from Robin was enough to confirm Jack was actually doing it right, but she went a step further and told him out loud. He had never heard his name said with such delight and he didn’t think it had ever sounded as good as it did in this moment from Robin’s mouth. As soon as he realised that, he tried to push that thought away, because he would just want to hear his name like that again and again. He had an obsessive personality and this was a slippery slope. 

At the agreement to sex, Jack probably needed someone to pinch him, because now Robin was just in her bra and it never occured to him previously that whenever him and Matt had rated girls’ racks that the most appealing to him would be their best friend, but here he was. “Uh... Yeah,” He looked around in a panic, as if she might change her mind at any moment. He grabbed at his coat and laid it on the floor in a makeshift manner. “This is basically high-end camping - it’s luxury.” He moved his arm dramatically to showcase the coat and gesturing for her to lie down first. And then he wanted her in all the physical ways she was offering herself up to him now. He wanted it all. 

-- 

He removed his condom and threw it into the woods, but he didn’t speak until he felt he got his breath back, he turned to Robin, who was already pulling her jeans up again, and nodded with a smile. “So, uh…” He scratched the back of his head. “That seemed like a successful experiment, right?” He started pulling his own jeans back up and then realised he shouldn’t have said it like that. “I mean, it was successful for me… was it - was it satisfactory for you?”

[jackofalltwats]

slow dancing in the dark / robin, jack and leo

Since speaking with Evie the night before, the only thing that was swimming around Jack’s brain was Robin. It was like now that he had finally rejected Evie as just a teenage crush, an idolised goddess or whatever, he had given permission to his brain to only think about Robin. If someone did a diagram of his brain right now, it would be a repetition of her name. Over and over again. Other things would be in there too, but the only important thing felt like her right now. 

When he added alcohol to it, he thought it might numb his brain a little bit, slow it down from thinking of her, but it only made it worse. In fact it made him want to act on her name swimming through his brain, whereas sober he knew he wasn’t allowed to do anything. Sober, he knew he wasn’t good enough for her. Sober, he knew she had picked Leo. Sober, he just wouldn’t dare. 

Drunk him though was staggering over to her house at 11:30 pm. He was knocking on the door and shouting her name. Speaking out the thing he had been thinking about all this time. He hadn’t really thought further than this though. What was he going to do after she answered the door? If she answered the door? What was there to actually say? Only things he would regret when he was sober, but still he continued to shout. 

“Robin!”

Leo woke up first at the racket outside. Even in his sleepy state, he knew who it was and he hoped there was a good excuse for it. He put a hand on Robin’s shoulder and gently said, 

“I’ll go.”

Robin gave a sleepy mumble in agreement, rolling onto her side to continue sleeping. Really Leo knew he should have let Robin go down and he should just check in on Hazel and make sure she didn’t wake up from the noise, but he also knew Jack was an idiot when he was drunk and said ridiculous things. Now that him and Robin were finally together, he didn’t want Jack saying ridiculous things to her. 

He went down in just his boxer shorts, another way to show Jack that he couldn’t pull shit like this anymore, because he was here in this house, here in Robin’s bed now. Answering the door, he folded his arms across his chest and stared Jack down as he looked up in confusion. 

Jack laughed. 

“What the -,” He scratched the back of his head, barely standing up straight. “I was supposed to go to Robin’s… Why am I at yours?”

He continued to laugh, looking around himself, as if wondering how he had made a wrong-turn or not. Leo didn’t know if he was joking or not. 

“God, how fucking drunk are you?” He shook his head, gesturing behind him at Robin’s interior. “You’re at Robin’s.” 

“Well, where is she? I need to speak to her.” He still had no fucking clue what he wanted to say, but he knew he needed to see her. 

“She’s sleeping, well, you’ve probably woken her up and Haz -,” 

“Robin!” Jack called, leaning further into the house, before laughing again. He was fully aware he was being an idiot. 

Robin could hear the muffled voices of Leo and Jack rising up through the bedroom window from below and at the sound of Jack calling her name again, she groaned and stood tiredly to pull on shorts under her oversized t-shirt, shuffling quickly down the hall to Hazel’s room to see her still fast asleep, before moving toward the stairs.

“Jack, just stop. What do you need?” 

Jack was still laughing, but he stopped at the question, only sniggering slightly as he wondered how he would even explain to Leo what he needed. He didn’t even know what he needed. 

“I don’t know, I just need to speak to Robin, like preferably without you here, but fine, I guess I knew after spending the night after the memorial and you two getting together, like you’re here, okay.”

“The memorial? What the fuck are you talking -,”

“What the fuck, Jack? Don’t you know how late it is? Hazel’s sleeping.” Robin snapped in a loud whisper as she quickly walked down the stairs and over to the doorway to join them. 

“Robin!! Yeah, I know, but I need to talk to you.” He turned pointedly from Robin to Leo. 

She crossed her arms over her chest, looking at Leo. “You can go back to bed, I’ll handle it.” 

Leo felt unsettled about this and couldn’t explain why, but he had to say something else. “Did Jack stay here after the memorial?” 

Robin felt the blood drain from her face, eyes locked on Jack for an extended moment, unsure if he was too drunk to see the anger and panic flash in her eyes. Shit.

In slow motion, Jack moved his hand to his head, realising he shouldn’t have said anything. Even his drunk self was realising that, so it had to be very bad of him. His drunk self hadn’t been thinking of the consequences of what he now wanted, but... Robin wanted this life with Leo now, right? Leo was a much, much better option for her than him. He had come to terms with that on the day she told him she was going to say yes, on the day he encouraged her to say yes. He just hadn’t realised that day that there was no point to the way he lived his life without her in it. 

He was about to speak up, to say he didn’t and he was just chatting shit, but Robin was nodding and agreeing. He was such a cunt. 

She finally looked away from him, turning her eyes to the darkness behind him as she avoided eye contact with Leo, offering only a slight nod. “Yeah… He did.” She cleared her throat, glancing at Jack before finally turning to Leo. “Hazel needed to feel safe, I needed to feel safe. So he stayed with us. It’s what made the most sense under the circumstances.” 

“Okay, yeah,” Leo started, noting how carefully Robin chose her words and that by not saying ‘nothing happened between us’, she was saying something definitely happened between them. It was all his worst fears when it came to Robin presented on a plate, well, honestly, Jack was his worst fear when it came to Robin. 

In an attempt to deflect the tension and change the subject, Robin turned back to Jack. “Why are you here?”  

“Uh…” Jack looked between the disgruntled Leo and the barely-clinging-on-to-sanity Robin, and knew he had fucked up with coming here. Even if he said exactly what he wanted to say would it change anything and wouldn’t it be unfair to Robin? He looked directly into Robin’s eyes and somberly said, “I don’t know… fuck, I’m sorry, I don’t know.” 

He stayed staring right at her, basically saying, ‘I know, I know, I know’.

Robin could have laughed at Jack’s sorry reply, how he had managed to barrel through this otherwise calm night - drunk and clueless, disrupting everything in his path. But instead, she found her eyes locked on his and unable to look away, her head filled with nothing but the love they’d exchanged the night of the memorial, the way he’d reacted to her dismissals the next morning. She could sense something more in his gaze, as if he was willing her to stay and speak to him privately. The part of Robin that whispered back to Jack that night, that told him she loved him without hesitation, was still very much present, and she could feel her lip quiver slightly at the thought of it - how even now in this pitiful state, despite all that he’d ever put her through, she loved him. She’d always love him.

Leo could sense the tension as well and shook his head in disgust. 

“What the fuck is happening?” He asked in an urgent whisper. 

The sound of Leo’s voice was enough to interrupt Robin’s thoughts. “Just go back to bed,” she started, prying her eyes away from Jack to look up at him. “Let me handle this.” Her voice was firmer this time, slightly cold. She needed to speak to Jack privately. 

“Fine, fine,” Leo said, holding his hands up before storming up the stairs with all the confusion he felt. When he got to Robin’s bedroom, he looked around on the floor for his clothes as if they had been flung off in passion, but they were there in the corner of the room - folded up. And that was the issue, wasn’t it? He knew something had happened between them and if he was wrong, then there was something still happening. There was always going to be something happening between them. And Leo’s clothes were going to stay folded away politely if he didn’t speak out now. 

Robin barely moved as Leo stormed up the stairs, her gaze returning to Jack, her eyebrows raising expectantly.

Jack stared at Robin before shaking his head rapidly, one hand running through his already distressed hair. 

“Don’t fucking worry about it, this was stupid.” He took the hand in his hair and flicked it in the direction of her stairs. “You should just go back to Leo.” A pause, as he laughed at this position he had gotten himself into. “Yeah, I’m sorry about this.” 

Robin bore holes in Jack with her stare, somehow crossing her arms even tighter across her chest. “Yeah it was fucking stupid, what the fuck were you thinking, Jack?” She shook her head in absolute frustration, letting out an incredulous laugh at the bullshit this night had crumbled to. She could have strangled him when he laughed. “Well that hardly matters now, does it? I’m not going back upstairs until you fucking tell me why you thought it was a good idea to show up to my house while our daughter is sleeping, and tell Leo about something that should have stayed a secret. What the fuck, Jack?” 

He was about to turn away and just leave. She wouldn’t follow. Well, she shouldn’t follow, but then her voice changed and he was suddenly rooted to the spot. He couldn’t leave even if he wanted to. 

She took a breath, her voice softening, as it always eventually did with Jack. “I stayed down here for you, the least you can do is tell me why you’re here.” 

“I…” Anything he said would fuck things up for her, for him, for them. It was a lot of pressure for his drunk brain to try and think of the right thing to fuck things up. “Look…” He leaned in a little bit, holding the door frame for support. “I know, I know you should be with Leo, but I meant what I said that night.” 

Robin continued to look into Jack’s eyes as he spoke, feeling her breath catch in her chest when he mentioned the night of the memorial. She stared at him for a second longer, her lip quivering. She realized in that moment, or maybe she’d known all along, that despite how consistent, how kind, how nurturing Leo had always been, despite the fact that he was upstairs waiting for her, loving her, that there was no way she’d ever be able to give him that same love back. She’d never be able to love him the way that she’d always loved Jack. Just as they had the night of the memorial, Robin’s eyes misted over at this realization, and she remained frozen for a long pause, unable to speak. 

“I meant what I said, too.” She felt a single tear escape the corner of her eye and quickly wiped it away with the sleeve of her shirt. “I’ve always meant it, Jack.” 

And he knew she wasn’t supposed to say that, but his lips still tugged upwards at hearing those words. He opened his mouth to say something at the same moment she shook her head. 

She sighed, closing her eyes and shaking her head. “But how can I trust that you mean it when you’ve always taken it back? I’ve waited so long for you, why are you choosing now to tell me this?” Robin could feel more tears on her cheeks now, a soft sniffle leaving her as she did her best to wipe them away. 

“Because.... Because…” He groaned loudly, knowing the only thing he could actually say right now wasn’t going to be great, but drunk Jack ran into that option. “Okay, because Evie kissed me yesterday and that should have been the greatest fucking moment of my life, but all I could think about was you. Just you. And I know I want you all the time. I want it to be you and me properly. I just… I know what I want now and I don’t think I ever knew before.” 

She let out a weak laugh, devoid of any humor, at the thought of Evie and Jack together. She lifted a hand to her forehead and shook her head again. It had been his dream come true, after all. His dream and her nightmare. Where Evie had always felt like she was in competition with her for Matt, for Robin, it had always been Jack. And now that he was using a kiss with Evie to gauge his feelings for her, she should feel triumphant, but it only made her feel more confused and more doubtful. 

“I just,” Robin hesitated, looking at Jack, defeated. “Fuck. You always do this Jack, you make promises and say things that make me run back to you but then you’ll take it back the moment you have me again. I can’t fucking take that heartbreak again.” She glanced over her shoulder at the staircase that Leo had charged up minutes before, then turned back to Jack. 

Jack was shaking his head violently at what she was saying. He had just pulled his messy and bloody heart and smashed it on the floor for her and she couldn’t see it? He didn’t know how else he could show her that this time was different and it would never be like before again. 

“No, I -,”

“We shouldn’t be talking about something this serious while you’re shitfaced, anyway. Go home, Jack. We’ll talk tomorrow.” 

He bit down on his lip hard. The kind of way you do if you want to make yourself bleed. 

She was right and so he took a step backwards, raising his hands in the air dramatically. 

“You know this is fucking it, isn’t it? Matt and I competing for Evie, Leo and I over you and they both won, because who do I get? Nobody - I’ve lost everyone. Matt, Leo, Evie… you. The person I thought I’d never lose” He kicked the wall that took him down the path to leave and mumbled audibly. “I’m a fucking idiot.” 

Robin watched with sad eyes as Jack stepped away from the door, tears once again threatening to pool over. She shook her head at his words as the tears fully escaped, this time harder than they had all night. She wanted to tell him that he hadn’t lost her, he never had, but how could she? Not now, not under these circumstances, and not with Leo waiting upstairs. So instead, she said nothing as tears ran down her cheeks freely now and her sniffles filled the now silent night. Robin stayed in the doorway watching Jack walk away, as if the longer she stood watching his figure retreat, the more she could guarantee that he got home safely, and the easier it would be for her to make a decision. 

Robin only closed the door once Jack had completely faded from view, walking into the kitchen to splash her face with water and pat away her tears. She had no idea what she looked like, but at this point she really didn’t care, she knew what she needed to do. 

Or maybe, like Jack, she needed to wait to unravel this with Leo in the morning.

Leo could hear Robin coming up the stairs and was finishing putting on his shirt, still sitting on the bed. He had overheard some of what was said, because how could he not? Mainly it was Jack yelling as he walked away, but he definitely got the gist of it. Jack now wanted Robin. He finally wanted her now that Leo was with her. That was so like Jack. Wanting what he couldn’t have. He wanted to punch him in the face, but he stayed where he was, wanting more than anything for Robin to convince him that there was nothing to worry about. 

Robin climbed the stairs quickly but quietly, taking a deep breath to steady herself before walking into her bedroom where Leo was waiting, looking at her expectantly. “He’s gone home now. It was nothing. You know how Jack is when he’s drunk,” She let out a soft yet forced laugh, attempting to be casual, as if the conversation she’d just had was nothing more than two friends making jokes. 

Leo exaggerated his shrug, looking down at his lap, wondering how to even go about asking her if there was anything to worry about.  

She looked at Leo, and realized a discussion like this couldn’t wait until morning. Robin shook her head, looking away from him. “Leo, about the memorial...” She trailed off, realizing that any excuse she could make for that night would be a blatant lie - nothing happened, when it absolutely had, it didn’t mean anything, when it definitely did, or it doesn’t matter now, when it clearly does. She shook her head, settling on the only thing she could say. A lame, “I’m sorry for not telling you.” 

“I just…” He sighed, not getting what she was trying to say had actually happened. He finally moved his gaze to her. “I was waiting to hear what you wanted to do with us… it hurts a bit knowing he was here and I was just waiting.”

Robin looked away as Leo’s gaze met hers, immediately embarrassed at how poorly she’d handled everything. She nodded slightly, her eyes focused on a chip in the floorboard beneath her foot. “I know,” She said softly, before lamely adding, “but…” Knowing instantly that there was no real justification for her actions, she let the sentence trail off. 

A breath left Robin and she shook her head again. “No, there’s no excuse for why it happened and why I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry. It’s just - It’s complicated. I was confused and with losing Matt so suddenly it just happened. Jack is Hazel’s Dad, I felt like he needed to be here with us. I can’t turn my back on him.” Robin finally gained enough courage to look back at Leo. “I - I don’t know what else to tell you.” She did know exactly what she needed to tell him, what Jack’s words had spurred in her minutes before, yet she couldn’t vocalize the truth at that moment - that it wasn’t fair to him to continue things when she so clearly still loved Jack. 

The fact that Robin said ‘can’t’ instead of ‘couldn’t’ made it pretty clear to him - Jack was always going to be just as important to Robin as he had been with or without the change in role from Leo. Of course it upset him. Years and years of him liking Robin up close, but loving her from afar all because of Jack and it was still happening. Would he ever get to love her up close? 

“You can’t…” He nodded his head slowly, the words sounding worse out loud than they had in his head. “Jack is always going to be a part of your life, I get that, but if this is going to work between us then I don’t want to feel like I’m competing with Jack. You not telling me things that happened isn’t going to help with that. I just... I’ve had a long life of competing with him, I don’t want it anymore.” 

The more Leo said, the more it became obvious to Robin that she couldn’t put this conversation off any longer. She felt tears prick the corners of her eyes again, just as they had outside with Jack. The moment she told Leo the truth, she knew she’d lose him, just as she’d feared she would on New Year’s Eve. Beginning a relationship with him felt like the right thing to do at the time, the decision that was logical and the one that would save their friendship. It felt like the only way she could continue to have him in her life in the way she always had. But now, with the image of Jack yelling into the night about loving her and losing her, it didn’t feel like the right thing anymore, and she had to pay the cost for that. 

“You’re right,” She said quietly, already feeling her voice weaken with tears. “You don’t deserve to be in a competition or feel like you’re coming in second place. You deserve to be placed on a pedestal and loved and prioritized for all that you do.” Tears were running down Robin’s cheeks once more and she was wiping furiously at her face to stop them. “You’re incredible Leo and you’ve always been a way better best friend than I’ve ever deserved. I love you so much, I just -” 

It was what he wanted to hear coming out of her mouth, but it was tinged with a promise that she couldn’t be that person for him. “No, no, no…” He spoke with a silent urgency and a very obvious desperation, as he stood up and clutched her hands. This couldn’t be all they got, he hadn’t spent his life loving Robin to only get this for a week. 

A shaky sigh escaped her and she shook her head, lifting her hands to her face and rubbing at her forehead. “I don’t think I can love you in the way that you need me to. I thought that I could but I can’t.” Robin sniffled and looked at Leo with tearful eyes. “I’ve been so confused and so scared to lose you, and I thought this was the best way for things to be so our friendship wouldn’t be ruined, but it’s not.” Another shaky breath escaped her and she closed her eyes, knowing the next words would crush him, but they had to be said. He knew it deep down, he had to, just as she always had. “I’ll always love Jack, I can’t turn that off. I’ve tried so many times… I can’t, and that’s not fair to you. I’m sorry.”

He kept shaking his head, not hearing the words properly, but knowing exactly what this meant for him. He wanted to disappear from the conversation. He wanted to rewind to a few hours ago to make sure Jack didn’t come around that night. Forget a few hours, he needed to rewind by a few years. He could’ve told her years ago how he felt before Jack and her were ever a thing, but he didn’t. Timing was everything and he had never used it to his advantage. 

This was all his fault, he guessed. 

“You’re making a big mistake,” He shook his head again, dropping her hands. “He’s said all this to you before and then drops it all. When he does it again, I’m not going to be there to be a shoulder to cry on for you.” 

He hated to argue with Robin, they had never argued before but now he didn’t know if things would ever be okay again. He was angry, of course he was, because he felt like his emotions had been played with. If Robin had just given him a straight answer before and not agreed to this when she hadn’t been sure of what she felt, then he would’ve found it hard but he wouldn’t have ruined his friendship with her in the end. Now though… it was all a bit tainted. 

Robin simply shook her head, feeling a single tear streak her cheek. She was losing Leo, the person she never thought she’d lose, and there was nothing she could do to stop it - this was all because of her, after all. “Leo, I -”

“As soon as you tell him you’ve ended things with me then he won’t be interested - he only wants you, because he can’t have you.” 

His words hit her like a bucket of icy water - the same words that had haunted her for the entirety of her relationship with Jack, and now they were being used against her by her best friend. The thought somehow hurt even more coming from Leo, but he was right. That had always been Jack’s pattern and how could she know that this time was any different? She opened her mouth to speak but then he was leaving.

He walked past her to the door, and just turned his head, saying something he might regret, but now he knew that Jack was someone he would never be able to compete with, he didn’t care. “You two actually deserve each other. You can go fuck yourselves.” 

Leo was gone then. She had actually lost him, stood in the middle of her dark bedroom, shivering, as if actually standing in a puddle of ice water.

He walked out the door and just aimed to get out of this dramatic situation that he didn’t ask to be involved in.

[jackofalltwats]

Lullabye | Jack + Robin (flashback)

robin-oliver​:

Any other morning, in any other circumstance, Robin would have effortlessly replied to Jack’s greeting. A laugh and a kiss, a teasing greeting in response. Now, she just barely held back a wince, one filled with pain, knowing that this would never happen again. That was the last time she’d hear that greeting. It transported her back to a simpler time for a moment, a time where they could sleep together and joke around after and say things like “morning, beautiful” and it not feel like this monumental life decision. Robin would do anything to return to that time, to live in that moment, so she didn’t have to admit that it was over. A hollow laugh escaped her when he ruffled her hair, and she lightly swatted his hand away. Robin leaned most of her weight against the counter as the laughing was quickly replaced by a hesitant silence, one that Jack quickly broke. She shook her head, letting out an embarrassed laugh this time. “Um yeah, so about last night…” Robin started, finally looking back to Jack. “It was just a heat of the moment thing, yeah? It’s not like…” She shrugged, looking away to turn her attention back to the cooktop. “It’s not like it meant anything, anyway. Just like old times.” She glanced up at Jack with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. 

Robin turned away, unable to look at Jack any longer. Deep down it felt like she should be getting some sort of relief out of this, a kind of closure - she’d finally been able to cut things short before he’d had a chance to take everything back like he always did. But she felt no relief, no closure, just a lump in her throat. Last night had been her last time with Jack, she knew that, did he know that too? She felt like she hadn’t even fully taken it in or treasured it, and even that thought felt forbidden to her now. It shouldn’t matter that it was over, things should be about Leo now. Robin cleared her throat, glancing over at Jack. “Hazel will be up soon, feel free to stay for breakfast if you want.”

In the very moment Robin started speaking, he could identify the feeling he felt. His heart was breaking. So dramatically. And it was only in this moment that he could name this feeling even though he had felt it many times before with Robin. He had no idea how she couldn’t see that this was happening to him, because to him it felt loud, it felt bright, it felt violent. Surely anyone looking at him could see what was happening to him right now, but she continued cooking as if nothing was shattering in his body. 

“Yeah, yeah, of course it was,” He scoffed ever so lightly to shield his heart from more attacks. Maybe if he hadn’t done what he had done then he would say something in this moment to change her mind, but he was a monster who didn’t deserve anything else from her. She deserved to get the final say in how they part ways for good. It didn’t matter that his heart was breaking in his ears. 

He didn’t know what to do with his body, so he awkwardly knocked on the worktop and then after that he ran the same hand through his hair and then he licked his lips with concentration. “Nah, I should probably go... I’ve got things to do.” Drink, think about this, try not to think about this... he did have a busy day. “Besides it’s probably not good for her to see me the morning after.” He avoided looking at Robin’s face directly, as he leaned in closer to kiss her forehead. “See you around, Robin.” 

This memory would sit with him. The smell of eggs, the feeling of his heart breaking, the hissing of the pan on the cooktop, her ruffled hair, the smell of her hair as he pressed his lips against her head, the heaviness of his feet as he left the room and the way their glasses from the night before were still on the living room table. 

[jackofalltwats]

Lullabye | Jack + Robin (flashback)

robin-oliver​:

Robin’s eyes slid closed as Jack moved into her, arching into his touch and biting her lip to stifle a loud moan. Once her arms were freed, her hands explored his body as if for the first time - moving across his back, to his bum, anywhere she could before they rested at the same place they always seemed to - one gripping his arm as the other tangled in his hair. No matter how much time passed, their bodies seemed to always know exactly what the other needed, as if built with a matching pattern that synced anytime they were together. She opened her eyes in time to lock with Jack’s, using her hands to pull him in for a kiss.

She let out a soft and breathless laugh when it was over, lost in the afterglow for a moment. All of the stress that harbored within her all week had now left her, replaced by complete contentment. Robin smiled up at Jack when she felt his hand in her hair, but then stiffened slightly at the words he spoke next. It wasn’t the first time he’d said it, but this time it felt different. Maybe it was the residual euphoria that came with great sex, or the wine she’d had, or maybe it was just that she was here again with Jack and he was saying things to her that she’d always wanted him to say. Matt, Leo, Hazel - everyone and everything that had been at the forefront of her mind faded away at that moment as her eyes remained locked on Jack’s, her hand softly combing through his hair. The words left her effortlessly, as they always had in moments like this. “I love you too, Jack.” She felt a dull ache a moment after the words left her mouth. This is the last time. She hoped Jack wouldn’t notice that her eyes had misted over. Robin hid her quick change in emotions by kissing Jack gently, once on the edge of his mouth and again on his lips, then moved to curl beside him, feeling the exhaustion of the evening finally settle through her body.

–

Robin woke up early the next morning to Jack’s soft snores filling the room and the comforting weight of his arm draped across her. She rolled over to lay on her back, Jack’s arm still across her waist as he slept, and thought back to the night before. In a more present state of mind, Robin could see the situation between them for what it was - two people seeking comfort in each other, in the only way they’d ever known how. And the exchange of I love yous could easily be credited to getting caught up in the moment, that’s all the phrase had ever been for them. It didn’t mean anything. Robin quietly moved out of Jack’s embrace and got dressed, closing the bedroom door behind her as she stepped into the hallway. She moved to Hazel’s room to find her still asleep, so she walked downstairs to the kitchen to make breakfast. The thoughts that fled Robin’s head the night before were once again at the forefront of her mind - where things stood with Leo, coping with what happened to Matt, worry over keeping Hazel safe amidst an unsolved murder. She was so preoccupied she hardly registered the footsteps down the stairs or in the hallway until Jack appeared in the doorway of the kitchen. Robin smiled softly, casually, as if they hadn’t just admitted their love to one another the night before. “I’m surprised you’re up so early, it’s only seven. Nice bedhead, by the way.” 

Robin always said it back. 

He had been taking that for granted for years and he didn’t deserve to hear those words back, but she always said it back. If she was the one saying it to him, he would have left her hanging time and time again. Maybe that was why she never said it first. She knew he wouldn’t say it back even though he knew what he felt for her was love. What else could it be? Naming it had always felt big and scary to him, but with her in his arms falling asleep, it was the easiest thing in the world. Life would have been this easy if he had just been true to his feelings a long time ago. 

But this moment would be the easiest it would ever get again for him. 

------

Just as he knew he would, he had slept very peacefully next to Robin. The best night’s sleep he would probably ever get. She was better than any sleeping meds he had attempted to take. It was unlike Robin to not stay in bed with him until he woke up. They liked to talk in bed until they had to get up. Now the room was full of silence and angry yells in his mind that he tried so hard to drown out. He wanted to be in her presence again, because it was the only thing that quietened his mind. Hearing her in the kitchen, he went down and leaned on the kitchen doorframe, “Morning, beautiful,” He said in such an easy voice that it sounded like a younger version of Jack. A younger version of Jack and Robin where they had more possibilities in life and a naive look at what they were to each other, because they hadn’t hurt each other yet. He laughed and ruffled his hair, before reaching forward and ruffling hers.”Is this not doing it for you?” The laughter left and Jack wanted this to be his life so badly right now. Just for today. He knew he didn’t deserve more than that. “So...”

[jackofalltwats]

bad idea! | jack + robin

robin-oliver​:

Robin was trying to resist how turned on she was just by kissing Jack, how much more she was enjoying this than she had with anyone else at college thus far. Resisting was getting more and more difficult though as his hand moved to her chest and she could feel how hard he was. Her own hands had moved from his cheek to his chest, pawing at the shirt he was wearing, one hand only momentarily dipping down to brush his waistband. As they pulled away, she let out a breathless laugh at his response to her question, looking up at him when he barely pulled away from the kiss the second time. Robin was trying to focus on the words leaving Jack’s mouth, which was still positioned right above hers, but that was becoming more difficult as her focus quickly followed the hand trailing down her torso. “Fuck it,” she moaned out, nodding her head eagerly when his hand slid inside her jeans, not really caring about the answer to her question anymore. 

Hands now fumbling with the zipper of his jeans, Robin pulled away only slightly from the kiss as her hand slipped beneath his boxers. “It would be a shame if we didn’t see the entire experiment through, right? For the research.” She looked up at him questioningly for only a moment before kissing him again, using her free hand to tug down on his jeans. 

Her hand at his jeans felt like silent permission for him to undo her jeans and he would have liked to think that he would eventually say, ‘is this okay still?’ but then she was giving spoken consent by saying they should see the experiment through. He was nodding his head with his lips still on hers and his hands rubbing at what he hoped was the right spot. He was sure it was. God, that would be so embarrassing if he fucked that up for Robin. If the others ever found that out then he would never hear the end of it. It would provide Leo with some joy over it at least. Okay, okay, he needed to stop thinking about Leo and this weird sense of guilt lingering over him - it’s not like Leo still wouldn’t be able to shoot his shot with Robin after this experiment. It’s not like this meant a single fucking thing for either of them or would ever mean a thing. “Yeah, you can’t have in complete research,” Jack barely got out, although he didn’t need to say anything at all, but it just felt right to keep talking to Robin. 

He wondered if he still had a condom in his wallet. His wallet was in his coat, right? He pressed up his body against Robin’s, not sure if she would find the tree she was resting on or him harder at this precise moment. “Uh...” He said, moving his head back sharply, but making sure one hand would stay around her face so she knew it wasn’t an act of repulsion. “So, yeah, I think I’ve got a condom, if you wanted to actually do... this?” 

[jackofalltwats]

Lullabye | Jack + Robin (flashback)

robin-oliver​:

Robin simply laid back on the bed, letting out a quiet sigh as Jack kissed her. She thought back to the words he spoke earlier. It will always be you and me. Robin wanted to believe that tonight, to live in this delicate moment for as long as she could, knowing that when they woke up tomorrow this would have to be a fleeting thought, as it always was. The moment was enough though, it would have to be. This is the last time. Robin let out a moan, a soft one that directly mirrored the attention Jack was giving her, as her hand instinctively moved to tangle in his hair. She continued to moan, each one slightly louder than the last until she was gasping his name, as she’d done so many times before, this time careful to stay quiet since Hazel was sleeping. 

Robin’s fingers raked through Jack’s hair for a moment longer as she gathered her composure enough to sit up and pull her dress fully off, then moved her hands down to tug off Jack’s trousers. They were kissing again as they laid back on the bed once more, this time with Robin hovering over Jack. “I need you, Jack.” The words left her mouth quietly. In any other instance, this statement would feel way too vulnerable to be shared between the two of them, but in this moment, Robin meant it completely. She kissed the corner of his mouth, then down his chest until she was showing him the same undivided attention that he’d shown her. Robin distantly thought about how odd it was, this way of comforting each other, but it felt right. As if this was exactly what they both needed to get their minds off of what was happening around them. 

His name sounded best when it came from Robin’s mouth during moments like this. He had always thought this way since they first had sex in the woods and now. Hearing it for the first time in the woods said out of pleasure was like hearing his name for the very first time. It was like she had given him that name. Now it was the only thing he needed to hear and her saying ‘I need you’ in front of it made it clear they both needed each other in similar ways. He couldn’t fucking keep his chill when she went down on him. It always made him go crazy and so knowing he wanted sex with her, he could only let her do it for a little while before he completely lost it. 

“I can’t,” he moaned, needing to be inside her for just a little bit. He pulled back up and pinned her to the bed, one hand holding her hands above her head, as he put on a condom and entered her. His mouth was on her breasts and he released her hands, wanting to feel her hands on him. Needing to feel them on him. He tucked his own arms underneath her thighs, so he could powerfully move in and out of her. He moved his head from being nestled in her breasts to stare into her beautiful, tear-stained face, and all he felt was love. This was what making love was supposed to be and he hadn’t done this in a very, very long time. Not since the last time he wasn’t afraid to admit he loved her. 

When it was over, he fell onto her with pure exasperation. He hadn’t slept properly since it had happened, but he knew he would sleep okay tonight next to her. He kissed her once more. Brushing some hair out of her face, he whispered, full of content, “I love you, Robin,” He wasn’t sure what possessed him to say it, but he knew he could always play it off as just being something he said after cumming. He always said stupid stuff in the heat of the moment, but he would always know he meant it. 

[jackofalltwats]

bad idea! | jack + robin

robin-oliver​:

Robin laughed and playfully nudged him. “Really.” She watched as the next words left Jack awkwardly, secretly relieved to see that he was seemingly as nervous as she was. “Yeah, I didn’t either,” She agreed, leaning in ever so slightly closer. “That’s why experiments are so important, you know? To prove what you thought you knew, to show you things you didn’t…” Robin and Jack were close enough to kiss again, and for a moment as he turned his head away, she thought that might be it, but then he was bringing up the experiment again and asking if he could kiss her. She smiled and nodded, this time being the one to lean in and kiss him. 

She moved where Jack’s back was against the tree they had been standing in front of, and she was standing between his legs as they kissed. It felt odd, but not all that surprising that kissing Jack came as naturally as it did. In the past few months especially, he had quickly become one of Robin’s favorite people to talk to, as it was always just the two of them skipping class. Distantly, she was surprised it hadn’t happened before this, as she’d kissed both Matt and Leo during truth or dare and other dumb games. Robin pulled away from this kiss this time. “You don’t think there’s any chance of Matt or Leo finding us here, do you?” 

Something that felt like maybe an ego growth ran through him and caused his arm hairs to stand on edge, as Robin said she didn’t think it would be bad either. The thrill of knowing she had thought about it too, no matter how many times or how fleeting, she had thought about it, and this probably caused him to even ask to kiss her again. And the smile and nod confirmed that this was all fine. He never thought this would actually be working out as well as it did in his imagination, but here they were. 

Nobody ever said how uncomfortable it was to make out against a tree, but it did. It also didn’t bother Jack in the slightest as he was so focused on the sweet sensation of kissing Robin. He thought he was getting harder than the tree bark against him anyway, as he held the back of Robin’s head with one hand and the other hand moved from her cheek to her chest. This was much better than his fantasies. He instinctively pulled the hand away quickly when Robin pulled away, half-expecting her to tell him to stop, but then at the question he laughed, pulling her back into him. “Fuck no,” He kissed her briefly again and pulled himself off her to resume answering the question. He kept his mouth just above hers so that he could feel the quickening of her breath against him, as he continued to move that hand from her chest lower and lower. “Matt’ll be trying to make new friends with some shit party trick and Leo will be wasted. Nobody’s coming out here anyway.” His hand was now just at the lining of her jeans and as he moved underneath, he finished with, “It’s just us,” before closing that small distance between their mouths again.

[jackofalltwats]

bad idea! | jack + robin

robin-oliver​:

Robin rolled her eyes and groaned. “For fucksake Jack, you’re so annoying. Why can’t you just let me talk shit in peace? You’re not meant to play devil’s advocate, that’s Leo’s job.” She looked over at Jack with narrowed eyes, as if analyzing the deal she’d just suggested. “Well now you’re just being demanding.” It was her turn to laugh now, and she nudged Jack’s arm playfully. 

She waited expectantly, eyebrows raised after suggesting that they kiss. Jack was nodding, enthusiastically so, before finally saying one last time that it would be a bad idea. Robin let out a frustrated laugh, shaking her head and lifting her hand to her forehead in sheer annoyance and confusion. He was walking away then, and she let him, rolling her eyes as she turned back to face the lake. What the fuck was the point of that entire conversation. “Unbelievable-” Her mumble was cut off by Jack’s return and before Robin could even react, Jack was leaning forward and kissing her. 

For half a second she thought about pushing him away after he’d been such an idiot about all of this, but the kiss was better than she thought it would be. Distantly, a piece of Robin rejected all of this, because you weren’t meant to enjoy kissing your friends as much as she was enjoying kissing Jack. When he pulled away, she was quiet for a moment, glancing towards the lake with a shrug and a soft laugh. “Well it definitely wasn’t disgusting.” She looked back at him. “What about you? Was it as horrible as you thought it’d be?” Robin’s gaze moved from his eyes back to his lips for an extended moment, before returning to meet his gaze. 

Jack ran a hand through his hair, looking at Robin as she looked out across the lake and mimicking her laugh even though it confused him a bit. At her saying it wasn’t disgusting, he shook his head wildly and laughed harder. “No? Really?” As her eyes were back on him, he tried to appear as casual as possible and act like he almost expected this kind of answer. “Yeah, it wasn’t, but I... uh... didn’t think it would be bad.” He turned out to the lake, as the intensity of her gaze was causing him to freak that he might fuck it up now. “Okay, so, I mean, we could extend the experiment further... Like can I kiss you again?”

[jackofalltwats]

bad idea! | jack + robin

robin-oliver​:

Robin smirked and shook her head. “Oh fuck off, I’m always the life of the party. I deserve to reminisce. Besides,” She said, taking another drag of her cigarette. “I’ll never be sick of a party, I just wish they had a bit better entertainment, is all.” She gave a playful pout at his words, nudging him back. “Fine. We can settle on a trade off, then we’re equally enabling each other.” 

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Oh yeah? Well you wouldn’t, would you? Since you’ve spent the last five minutes going on about how disgusting it would be.” Robin shook her head as she looked away from him in slight frustration, lifting the cigarette to her lips again as punctuation to her sentence. She stared out at the lake in front of them, trying to decide if this conversation was still entertaining her in any way or just making her want to strangle Jack. 

Her attention was turned back to Jack when he responded to her statement about a potential kiss being a secret from Matt and Leo. She glanced back over her shoulder at the bonfire in the distance, checking to see if anyone happened to be walking towards them. “Alright then,” She said, taking one last drag of her cigarette before stamping it out and turning back to Jack. “If we try this experiment now, will you shut the fuck up about it?” She looked at him expectantly. The question left Robin’s lips flippantly, perfectly disguising the warmth that was radiating from her face at the thoughts she’d done so well at forgetting after the Halloween party bubbling back up to the surface. 

“Yeah, clearly though you’re just pretending to be the life of the party, if you’re feeling so shit about them in secret.” He laughed, knowing it was now winding her up and she was regretting even making a comment about not enjoying the parties as much these days. “A trade off? That would require you to buy me at least, what, three packs of cigs?” 

Jack kicked at mud, knowing he had dug himself a hole in all this mud. He was an idiot. “Yeah, disgusting,” He continued to speak! After all the damage he had caused and the hole he was digging, he was continuing to speak! He couldn’t believe himself. He bit down hard on his own hand in an attempt to stop speaking trash. 

Despite himself, he clearly hadn’t fucked up the situation as much as he thought? He had pissed her off so much that she now wanted to actually do the experiment? How had he managed that? He stood taller and nodded quickly, but then after staring at her face for far too long, he realised it would mean everything would change. He blew out the last bit of smoke in his mouth and threw the cigarette to the ground. “Nah, it would be a bad idea.” He shook his head and began to walk away, but then he stopped. How much better would wanking over this be if he actually had a clear reference? He walked backwards, turning around to face her once he was close enough. “Okay, I’ve changed my mind, we should do it. For the experiment, of course.” 

Without being able to fuck this all up sooner, he leaned in and even though he knew he was going to enjoy it, it was better than all expectations. Better than having a wank over it. He just hoped she thought it was good too, because if it went well then maybe he could get more. He pulled away, “So?” 

[jackofalltwats]

Electric Blue / jack + evie

Before Matt died, Jack had a key to the flat and would often just let himself in to piss them off - mainly Evie.

“I fucking hate it when you do that!” She’d scream as she either was jumping up from the sofa where she had been lazing, or from the kitchen where she had been chopping up vegetables.

Now though, Jack just knocked on the door. Evie had noticed this and it was a dull thought in the back of her mind that their friendship wouldn’t really exist in this realm now. Post-Matt. It was just another thing to add to the list of things she didn’t think she would miss, but she kind of did.

Evie answered the door after checking through the spyhole to reveal Jack.

“Let me guess – Robin. She’s calling me a psycho again.”

Not even bothering to say this to his face, she was already walking back to the kitchen to continue opening the beer and now getting another one out for Jack.

“Hardly.” Jack snorted, closing the door behind him and accepting the beer. “She just, you know, said you kind of acted like a psycho when you barged in accusing her of sleeping with Matt.”

This was probably one of the most uncomfortable situations Jack had found himself in. He was seeing his mistake, his monumental, life-changing-for-the-worse mistake, unravelling before him. There was a limit to what he could fix, but he could try.

Evie rolled her eyes, collapsing onto the sofa.

“Well, if it isn’t her, then who?”

Joining her and taking a might gulp of his beer to help with this next question, Jack attempted the answer.

“Why does it have to be anyone?”

A laugh. A stare. A brutal stare at that.

“You know there was someone, Jack. After the call…”

Jack liked to pretend that call didn’t actually happen. That she hadn’t seen or heard that he knew he was cheating.

“Yeah, but, I never found him that night. He was drunk. Beyond wasted… I don’t know what he was talking about.”

As he was talking, Evie was moving closer to him, inching closer and closer, and it made Jack uncomfortable. Was she about to fall into him again? Was he ready for that?

This was the easiest thing for Evie to do right now. She was never going to get the answer about Matt, that was becoming clearer, but there was answer she always had the answer to. It was the most obvious thing that Jack liked her more than being his best friend’s girlfriend, more than a friend. He was the first one to ask her out after all.

Maybe this was the right thing to do. To make all the pain subside for a little bit. To feel loved, now that she didn’t have Matt here to make her feel loved.

“You don’t need to defend him still, you know.”

His eyes flicked from his beer to Evie. She was softer than he had ever seen her and she was soft for him. A moment he had dreamt of.

But something wasn’t quite right.

Was it because Matt had died so soon before this?

“Yeah… I guess, I just, I really don’t know -,”

Maybe it was because he had everything to do with Matt’s death and this was a level of deceit he hadn’t had to deal with until now?

“I always wondered why you defended him so much even though you clearly liked me.”

“You always knew?”

She nodded slowly, moving so close to him now that all he could see was Evie. He still tried to flick his eyes away, but it was just Evie.

“I guess, yeah,” He closed his eyes, wanting it to be Evie everywhere and wanting to want that, but want was missing from his being. “I don’t know about the cheating, but it wasn’t Robin.”

But it was Robin.

“It’s always been me for you, hasn’t it?”

It’s always been me and you and it’ll always be you and me.

It had always been Robin.

Evie’s lips were on him and he kissed her back, because he had always wanted to so a part of him should still want this. What had all been Evie before was all Robin. All he could see was Robin.

She was the answer to everything, but he was the problem for Robin. He had always been the problem.

The fucking disaster.

He couldn’t escape his love for her anymore. Misery was the only thing he could seek to console him for his love.

He pushed her away just hard enough for her to stop.

Evie felt the stabbing pain of pain upon pain upon pain again at the rejection. If Jack, the one who was supposed to be obsessed with her, was rejecting her then how could she have been surprised at Matt rejecting her time and time again? She wanted to be alone at this thought. At this knowledge she was ready to cry and she didn’t need company for that. Not from Jack.

“Fuck off, Jack.”

She pushed him off the sofa.

“I’m sorry, I just…”

“Go.”

Her voice was crumbling and as soon as she got him out the door, she fell to the floor and cried. The weight of love heavy on her shoulders.

The weight of love was stopping Jack walk down the stairs as well.

And so they stayed metres apart, a door between them, just being weighed down by the loves they could not have.

[jackofalltwats]

In The Backseat / Jack + Evie (NYE)

‘Matt not replying, so bugging you. Is now an appropriate time for me to wear my festive suit?’

‘And what shit are you guys drinking?’

‘Spirits? Wine? Beer?’

‘SOS. Standing in Waitrose unable to buy my beverages.’

‘Tonight’s cancelled. Tell Matt he can drop dead.’

_________________________________________________________________________

This wasn’t the first time a night out was cancelled due to an argument between Matt and Evie, but usually Matt would have rang Jack by now to complain or just to get very, very drunk. He hadn’t heard anything though.

Failed calls later, he let himself into Matt and Evie’s flat to hear blasting Arcade Fire and the stench of cigarettes and crashed glass on the floor. He finally could see Evie in the midst of it all and he felt anger. He always felt anger when he saw Matt leaving Evie in a state like this, but this seemed even worse than usual. They had been doing badly for a while. It brought him joy at the prospect of Evie being free, but anger always was the first emotion.

“What the fuck happened?”

Evie looked up, clearly a little bit drunk, and laughed without humour. It was the first thing she always did when she was mad, like it was a little bit funny.

“Matt’s cheating on me, but I’m sure you already know that.”

He didn’t. If he had known what would he do with that information?”

“He’s doing what?”

Evie stood up and approached him as if she was an angry bull. She was definitely an angry bull.

“Come on, Jack, you fucking know. Tell me who it is.”

“I wish I fucking could.” His hands were raised defensively, slightly terrified, and yet aroused, at the anger spilling from Evie right now. “He’s told you he’s cheating on you?”

“No!” Her mouth was bubbling, hurt wanting to spew out of it, but she fought against it. “He’s fucking denying it, but I know he is. I know it better than anything else. The fucking cardigan and -,”

She threw her hand behind her, to the cigarette ashtray and Jack craned his neck to see it. Evie didn’t even continue speaking as if this was enough of a conclusion.

“You found it?”

“Yeah, it was in our room tonight and he’s saying it’s Alice’s. Fucking prick!”

Evie collapsed into his arms and this was something he wasn’t used to. Never had Evie emotionally leaned on Jack, never had she wanted him to just support her. This was the closest he had ever felt to her and it, unsurprisingly, made him feel strong. Strong enough to find Matt and, oh God, he hoped it was true. He hoped this was the end of Matt and Evie and for him to bring the end to that would be the chef’s kiss to this masterpiece.

He had been the backseat of their love for now, but he was ready to take the driver’s seat.

“I’ll call him. I’ll get him to fucking explain if he’s cheating. He’s got to.” His hands were stroking her hair and he didn’t want Evie to stop needing him. His teenage self would be revelling in this moment, putting this moment on repeat forever and ever. All that would make it better would be for her to kiss him now.

But that would never happen in this current moment so the story had to keep moving along.

“Why would he do this to me?” She mumbled in his chest.

He got out his phone and rang Jack with Evie lying against his chest. That was thrilling in a way. He assumed he wouldn’t answer, but he did just before it went to voicemail.

“Ay Jacky, Jacky, Jacky!”

There was not a soul in the world who would say Matt was sober right now. He was the furthest point away from being sober.

“You’re fucked, where are you?”

He kept stroking Evie’s hair, as if letting her know he was going to sort all of this out.

“And tell him I fucking hate him and never want to see him again.” She half-yelled, half-mumbled from his shirt.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Matt laughed.

“I’m with Evie, I know what’s going on -,”

“Evie, beautiful Evie… Fucking hell, I’ve fucked it up. I’m an idiot.”

Slowly he was going from electric laughter to sullen loner in the matter of words. It was almost a confession. Almost.

“Tell her I’m sorry and it’s nothing…”

“Look, you prick, where are you?”

Matt hung up.

Evie looked up from his chest with teary eyes. The reveal that she was broken.

“What did he say?”

He shrugged, unable to say the truth right then.

“I could barely make out what he was saying. He was fucked. I’m going to try and find him.”

She narrowed her eyes, beginning to pull away from him.

“He really did it, didn’t he? You didn’t believe me before, but…”

She pulled away completely and slipped away from Jack, away from everything really. She turned up the volume on Arcade Fire and fell into tears on the kitchen counter.

This was the end of this beautiful moment, but the start of something building between them. Jack could feel that.

[jackofalltwats]

bad idea! | jack + robin

robin-oliver​:

“Hmm, you do raise a good point.” Robin thought about alternatives for a moment, before shrugging away the idea. “I guess we’re just resigned to fun pregames followed by subpar parties. A travesty.” She smiled over at Jack with an innocent shrug. “As long as you offer them, I’ll be there to accept. You’re really just an enabler in all of this.”

Robin looked at Jack with an amused smirk, before lifting the cigarette to her lips again. “I’ll have you know, I’m a great kisser and have only gotten the best reviews. But I mean yeah obviously it’s a totally gross thought for the two of us to ever do it.” She motioned between the two of them as she said this, then laughed at the thought of him puking at the party, immediately rolling her eyes as he once again reiterated how gross their almost kiss was. “Are we going to spend this entire smoking session just going on about how disgusting the two of us kissing would be? I was hoping you had come to entertain me seeing as this party is such a bore.” She shrugged and took another long drag. “Besides,” She started, making one last remark about the kiss. “Of course it’ll never actually happen. Could you imagine if it did and then Matt and Leo found out? They’d lose their shit.” 

“I don’t know, I still find them fun. I think you’ve got a long life of disappointment ahead if you’re already sick of these, you know. Maybe try to find some enjoyment out of them still.” He nudged her arm with his elbow, providing her with a smirk. “I don’t want to be an enabler for anyone. I’m going to start hiding them from you. After this one, of course.”

Jack snorted and shook his head aggressively. “I mean, I’m a great kisser, so... don’t know what you’re trying to say there, but I’m not so sure how great you actually are. Who has been leaving these shitty reviews?” It was an interesting tactic Jack was choosing - suggesting that Robin was a bad kisser in the hopes that they would kiss? He mouthed ‘fuck’ to himself, turning to look at another tree like they weren’t surrounded by fucking trees. 

He laughed as she basically said she didn’t want to talk about the kissing anymore. Why would she when Jack had said nothing but horrible stuff about it all? He needed to turn this around and so he saw the mention of Matt and Leo as an opportunity. In an attempt to appear casual, he ran his hand through his hair and focused on smoking at ease. “I mean, if we did ever kiss, we wouldn’t need to tell them. It could just be an experiment, like to see if it’s really as bad as we’re expecting.”

[jackofalltwats]

robin-oliver​:

bad idea! | jack + robin

Robin laughed and shrugged. “Yeah, but the parties really are shit too. Maybe we should start hosting our own. I’d offer up my house if my Mum ever trusted me enough to leave town.” She smiled teasingly at Jack. “And you may never see it again after tonight. I must say, they taste better when they’re free.” 

Robin turned back to the water for a moment as they stood quietly, then glanced back at Jack as he spoke again. “What are you- Oh, right.” Robin shrugged and took another drag of her cigarette. The day after Halloween she had done a really good job at convincing herself that things with Jack were just a drunken figment of her imagination, but now as he stood beside her asking pointed questions, she couldn’t keep pretending as if it never happen. “Yeah, I have no idea. Obviously we were both just drunk and not thinking. It’s not like that’s the first time we’ve done something stupid when we were shitfaced.” She let out a laugh and shook her head. “Thank god Matt and Leo showed up when they did, though I could have done without the vomit. Thanks by the way, for bailing on clean up. Dick.” 

“But then we’ll have to deal with the aftermath of those parties. Teenagers are filthy you know.” His shoulders shook with a laugh brewing in him. “I can say with confidence I’ll never see them again. You’ll forever be scrounging off me.” 

Taking a long drag of his cigarette, he was able to carefully hide his nervous anticipation for her answer. She didn’t even seem to remember it happening. 

Well done, Jack. 

He had brought it up for no reason at all. This was beyond embarrassing. “Yeah, fucking hell, I mean imagine us actually kissing? Bleugh, gross...” He cringed as he knew he had taken it a bit too far in trying to seem like he hadn’t thought about it at all. Oh, this conversation was not going well at all for him. “You know people puking makes me want to puke as well. I didn’t want you thinking I was puking at us almost kissing. Although, yeah, gross as well.”