boys will be bugs / jimmy and jack
nine
“Now, this doesn’t mean we love you any less and it’s nothing to do with you -,” Jack’s mum was cut off by a phone ringing. She turned from her tear-stained son to his dad with a sharpness that made it clear to Jack that it definitely wasn’t anything to do with him. This marriage was over and it was their fault. “Do you need to take that?”
His dad looked from Jack to his wife, before throwing up a finger to signal he’d just check.
“Sorry, sorry, I thought I silenced it,” He groaned as he stared at the screen, looking back up at the two of them. “I just need a minute.”
His mum sighed and wrapped her arms around Jack, as his dad could be heard answering the phone and shutting the door behind him. Jack stared at the door shutting before rubbing his face deeper into his mum’s shoulder. They hadn’t hugged like this in a long time, because he thought he was getting too old to be held like this. Now he felt so small and young.
“We’re going to be okay,” His mum placated him with her soft tones and a kiss on the top of his head.
“Where am I going to live?”
His mum pulled herself slightly from his head and frowned deeply, clearly not having an answer prepared for this.
“Well… you’re going to stay right here.” She cupped his face in her hands to wipe the tears away. “You know your dad travels so much… and then he’ll visit you as much as he can, okay?”
Jack nodded along with her, feeling like this wasn’t okay at all.
His dad came back through the door, sighing at the situation before him.
“I was just saying that you’ll be back to visit him as much as you can.”
They stared at each other - a dad and his son - and they felt like strangers that would only get stranger and stranger as the years passed.
“Yeah, of course.” He nodded, as if to convince himself of this truth. “Any time you want, son.”
thirteen
Jack put the final things in his suitcase that he could be bothered to pack. His mum would do the rest even though she’d act like she wouldn’t. As soon as he considered this, his mum appeared in the doorway, hitting her mobile against the palm of her hand and scrunching up her face. If he had looked properly, he would’ve known what was coming.
“So I just spoke to your Dad…” Jack looked from his suitcase to his mum and back again. The realisation fell onto him very suddenly and he simply nodded slowly. He should’ve known what was coming. “Yeah, I’m so sorry, baby, he’s got to go to Singapore tonight. It’s uh… a last minute thing.”
Jack kept nodding and shrugged.
“Yeah, sure, whatever.”
It was easier to pretend not to care rather than do anything else.
“He said he’s really sorry and he wants to make it up to you for Christmas.” Jack nodded again, barely looking at his mum as he did so. “And he’s got you three tickets, so you can take your friends to that football game this weekend instead of… instead of the holiday.”
Three tickets… For him, Matt and Leo, he assumed. God, he didn’t even know how many friends he had.
“Obviously a ticket for an adult to go with you. I was thinking, well, Gavin, could take you and your friends. It might be nice…”
Ugh… Gavin, mum’s new boyfriend. Of course, Jack couldn’t even get his own Dad to come and take him on holiday that had been planned for months, but his mum’s new boyfriend was desperate to spend time with him.
“I don’t think so.”
Rolling his eyes, he sat down on his bed. Maybe out of pity, his mum didn’t say anything and simply turned to leave his bedroom.
“Mum, wait, have you got the tickets?”
------
Getting off his bicycle, he waved at the gang, who were hanging out at their spot in the park, and approached them at jogging speed. Robin, who was getting out of a handstand, was the first to notice him.
“I thought you were on holiday, Jacky?”
The others turned around from their seated spots to take a look at him. Leo stood up too, brushing off his jeans and looking like he was about to open his mouth too.
“Uh… yeah, I’m going now, jerks, but,” He pulled the football tickets from his back pocket and handed them to Leo, who was now the nearest to him. His eyes widened. “Yeah, my Dad got them, because he forgot we wouldn’t be here and yeah, he said my friends could take them.”
“What are they?” Matt asked, still stretching out like a fat cat getting all the sun.
“They’re… Jesus, Jack, these must have cost a lot?” Leo asked, eyes flitting from the tickets to Jack’s face.
“Yeah, my dad’s loaded, isn’t he?” Jack said, a slither of smugness still traceable in his voice.
Matt, growing impatient, jumped up now and grabbed at the tickets.
“What?!” He yelled out of excitement. Robin was peering over his shoulder to look as well, but wasn’t nearly as fussed as the others. “Your Dad is the fucking best!”
Jack nodded stiffly.
“Yeah, well, there’s an extra ticket there for a parent to go as well.”
“This is really cool, Jack. Almost not as jealous now about your holiday.” Leo joked, nudging Jack as he started walking backwards from the gang.
“Whatever, I’ll still be making you guys hella jealous when I’m back.”
“Yeah, yeah, have a good time.” Leo called back in response and Matt yelled something that sounded like excitement or a scream of goodbye.
Robin stared at Jack as he was walking backwards, laughing and joking as if he really was about to go on this holiday. The staring was so intense that he had to turn away, because it felt like she knew he wasn’t happy. Like she knew his dad wasn’t all that great. Like she knew he was going home to hide away for a week before he could pretend he had gotten back from his trip.
And he didn’t want anyone knowing that stuff.
fifteen
It was his mum’s wedding day and Jack wanted to be anywhere else. Gavin thought it would be nice if he was part of the groomsmen, as his new sister, Rosie, was a flowergirl, but Jack would’ve rather died. Gavin was so fucking boring and kept trying to spend ‘quality time’ with him.
He kept hearing some of his relatives on his mum’s side bitching about his dad and saying how much better Gavin was, but he knew the difference between his dad and Gavin - his dad had a life. Jack never got to see him, because he was too busy living his big and brilliant life; he was jet setting around the world, probably girls falling at his feet and dancing around in money. What did Gavin do at the weekend? Make Sunday roast and polish his coin collection. No wonder he wanted to spend time with Jack - he had nothing better to do.
He felt sorry for him, but sure, his mum looked happy as they spun around the dancefloor and his step-sister, Rosie, looked ecstatic as she twirled next to them. She was getting a new family at the same age when his fell apart, of course she looked happy.
He avoided his Aunt Georgia by moving to the gift table. Mostly it was full of envelopes where people had given them money, but right in the middle of the table was a huge sculpture of some sort. It looked heavy and simply for decoration. He leaned in, out of curiosity, to view who had bought it.
‘All the best, Jimmy’
His dad bought this? His dad bought something? Actually, no, that wasn’t shocking. It would’ve been more shocking if he had been here.
He was interrupted by Matt throwing his arms around him and Leo and Robin laughing loudly over something he must have just said.
“We’re doing shots outside - come on, come on.” Matt loudly whispered in Jack’s ear that erupted into a loud laugh that caused Jack to flinch backwards.
“Sure, yeah, one sec.” Matt licked the side of his face and ran off.
Robin went to move with the others but hung back at the last second as she noticed what Jack was staring at.
“Was he supposed to come today?” Jack opened his mouth to ask how she even knew who it was from, but Robin spoke up first. “I heard your mum telling someone her ex bought something ridiculous and… well, this is pretty ridiculous.”
“Oh, nah, he’s in-,” He paused, realising he didn’t know where he was right now actually. “Well, he’s somewhere. Guess it would be weird if he was here anyway.”
“Was it all his fault then?”
Jack moved his head from the sculpture to Robin just ever so slightly.
“Why does it have to be someone’s fault?” She smiled, as if this didn’t need answering at all.
“It’s always someone’s fault.”
Jack didn’t say anything for a moment and considered it carefully.
He knew his dad never had time for anyone and only cared about work and then he overheard several arguments about him cheating on his mum, but he wasn’t about to say any of this out loud.
“Yeah, I guess it probably was his fault then.”
It was the closest he had ever gotten to saying that his dad wasn’t perfect and he wasn’t sure he liked how it sounded out of his mouth, but it was out there now.
And he would never have any idea that Robin sensed that it was the closest too and that her hand was edging closer to his.
“Ah, Robin, you making sure my boy isn’t up to mischief?” Robin’s hand vaulted back to her side.
“Impossible.” Robin grinned. “I should check on the other boys though.”
She smiled at Jack and it would have been a normal smile if he didn’t know what he had just revealed, so it felt like the most significant smile.
“Robin’s a lovely girl,” His mum smiled at Robin running through the dancing crowds to get outside. He felt his mum nudge his arm. “And there’s definitely nothing going on there?”
“Mum! God, no, she’s just a friend - yuck!”
His mum laughed.
“Okay, okay, I’m just saying what I’m seeing.”
“Well, stop, what the hell?”
He punched his hands into his pockets, hating this conversation, but knowing he was going to hate bringing up his dad more. Yet, he gestured with his head back at the sculpture.
“I saw what dad got you.”
“Yeah… half thinking of selling it, so we can get something we actually want with it. That’s your dad though, getting people what they don’t want… or even need.”
“Mum…”
He drew out the word, making it obvious he didn’t want her to continue on. The only person who couldn’t pretend about his dad being the best dad in the world was with her. She knew the exact number of times he hadn’t wished him a happy birthday, cancelled on their plans, walked out of dinner to take a call and introduced him to several ‘girlfriends’.
She never talked about it though. She let him live in the fantasy that his dad was fantastic, because she knew it was easier for Jack to live life this way.
Not today though.
“No, I’m sorry, I’m only going to say this once, because I’m drunk. I normally try to be completely unbiased in all of this, but your dad… is a prick. I don’t want you thinking his behaviour is normal, okay? That kind of thinking is going to mess with you.” She cupped his face in her hands and smiled up at him with watery eyes. “You’re going to be the best man in the world and that’s going to have nothing to do with him.”
Jack nodded, believing her for a brief second. Maybe he could be a good man at some point in life.
He didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t be completely sappy or would say that he knew his dad was shit, so he said the next best thing.
“I’ll spend more time with Gavin.”
“Yes. Yes, you bloody should. He’s lovely and he isn’t here to replace your dad, but I want you to also have a constant male figure in your life. It’s just been me and I can only be so much -,”
“You’re the best mum though…”
This made his mum beam and she went on tip-toe to kiss him, as she was already so much shorter than him.
“I love you, my baby.”
Jack pulled a face, like he was disgusted by this public display of affection, but it softened into a smile. His mum started to pull away, but Jack held on tight.
“Mum, I’m sorry whatever Dad did to you.”
“That’s nothing for you to be sorry for and I’m happier than I’ve ever been before.” She paused, her smile faltering. “But I have everything to be sorry for - I wish your dad was better.”
And she squeezed his hand again then let it go just as fast.
Now he could pretend to live in a world where his dad was great again to him, and only him.
eighteen
He wasn’t quite sure why he did it, but he figured if fatherly advice was ever needed then it was for this very monumental fuck-up. When the phone just rang out, he wasn't surprised. In fact, there was a small bit of relief in him that he didn’t have to tell his dad that he had gotten Robin pregnant and she was talking about keeping it. Maybe he’d never have to tell him. Maybe Robin would change her mind and -
The phone rang.
“Jack, it’s three am here.”
The shock of his dad actually calling him back made him slow to form words.
“Oh, yeah, are you in Japan or -,”
“Hong Kong now - has something happened?”
“Sorry, I forgot, I just…” He fumbled, obviously unprepared on how to break this news. “Well, Robin’s pregnant and -,”
“Robin?”
“My girlfriend.” He paused, holding himself back from saying the number of times he had spoken about Robin to him, even when they were just friends, and all the times he could’ve met her if he had just fucking been there, instead he went with a more lame, “You were supposed to meet her over the summer, but yeah.”
“Right, right. So she’s pregnant? Fuck, Jack, how the hell did that happen?”
Jack closed his eyes.
“We were using protection, I swear.”
His dad sighed on the phone.
“It’s okay, it’s okay.” He repeated words and phrases often, as if they had enough conversations for him to be frustrated with Jack, but they both knew that wasn’t true. “Well, obviously she’s getting rid of it?”
“I don’t know… I thought she would, but she said she wants to keep it- the baby.” He sighed. “Yeah, I don’t know.”
“Well, it’s your choice too and you’ve just got to say no. Jack, this would ruin both of your lives. Hers and yours, but yours especially. You’ve got to live your life - uni, parties, girls, whatever, whatever. You’re not keeping it.”
He laughed at the end of it all, as if it was absolutely ridiculous and maybe it was, but Jack finally felt the kind of closure he didn’t realise he was looking for with his Dad.
“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll speak to her again. Uh… thanks, Dad.”
His Dad breathed deeply and it sounded like it would be better described as a sigh of relief - this conversation was coming to an end.
“Anytime, son.” He drew in his breath again. “Well, you know, I’ll try and see you around Christmas.”
“Yeah, sure.” Jack said, knowing this probably wouldn’t happen.
Suddenly he had clarity on the situation and he would speak to Robin again, but to tell her that he’d do whatever she wanted. If she wanted this baby, then Jack knew exactly what he wouldn’t be - his Dad.